Follow
Share

I am the caregiver for my 88 year old mom who has diabetes, macular degeneration, heart disease - you name it, honey, she's got it. I'm single and I moved back home to care for her and dad before he died. I love my mom, and I do my best for her, but I am so tired of being treated like an only child by my siblings. My brother and sister rarely call or come over. If I plan far enough in advance my sister will take mom to the doctor, but then she acts like she's an authority on mom's health issues while at the doctor, when she really isn't. She also thinks mom can go to the mall and run around afterward, which she's not able to do. My brother is useless - would it break his back to mow the yard? They are both married but they have no children, and my brother is retired so he has time on his hands. I complained about this once and my sister said I had chosen my life, and it wasn't her fault. True enough, but again it's HER mom too. I'm not sure I even know what my question is, I'm just so tired of handling this all alone. I find myself wishing my mom would die, just so I could have my life back. Then I feel awful for thinking such things. It's been nearly 10 years of this, and I am at the end of my rope. I have lost touch with all my friends and haven't had a date in 8 years. I just feel so alone, and I resent my siblings so much that when mom does die, I really have no intention of keeping in touch with them. I'm sorry for rambling, I just needed to vent.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
1 2 3 4 5
I feel you and your not alone...here is my story My sister and I stay with my dying Dad so he will not pass away by himself....scared and alone...he does not derserve to die along without a love one...we are both tired and beat down...we have one sister who lives close by to hospice but only comes in for a little while to visit and tries to take over ...example: he loves old country music and I will play for him..she shuts off and makes smart comments that he needs soft music that this isn't good for him etc...he hates ...we have ask her to stay with daddy so we can take a break but has excuses...we only ask so love one will be with him if he passes ...he is in hospice care...her daughter is 12 years old and mom has offered to stay with daughter which sister make excuse for not helping...she has always been selfish and all about her...she is sister by blood only...she has the personality that likes to start fights and hard to block out to a point I could go off on her. I try not to speak to her and pretend she is invisible cause daddy doesn't need to hear us fussing. So hard not to attack her. I am easy going but can take so much...advise needed.

Commented on a discussion 1/25/2018 at 7:01 am
I have resentment toward my siblings for not helping out and when my mom dies I have no intention of keeping in touch with them.
My sister and i stay with my dying sad so he will nit pass away by himself....scared and alon...he does nit derserve to die along without a love one...we are both tired and beat down...we have one ...Read More
(0)
Report

My sister and i stay with my dying sad so he will nit pass away by himself....scared and alon...he does nit derserve to die along without a love one...we are both tired and beat down...we have one sister eho lives close by to hospice but only comes in for a little while to visit and tries to take over ...example: he loves old country music and i will play for him..she shuts off and makes smart comments that he needs soft music that this isnt good for him etc...he hates ...we have ask her to stay with daddy so we can take a break but has excuses...we only ask so love one will be with him if he passes ...he is in hospice care...her daughter is 12 years old and mom has offered to stay with daughter which sister make excuse for not helping...sshe bas always veen selfish and all about her...she is sister by blood only...she has the personality that likes to start fights and hard to block out to a point i coukd go off on her..i try not to speak to her and pretent she is invisible cause daddy doesnt need to hear us fussing...so hard not to attack her.. i am easy going but can take so much...advise needed
(0)
Report

Dear ReliableChild,

Good of you to care for your mom. This thread is so interesting to me because I had the same issue. I know its not uncommon. I'm the oldest of my sibling group and the default caregiver. It certainly isn't easy and we all do the best we can.

After my dad passed, I had the exact same thoughts as Barb. I had so much anger and resentment feeling like I was left holding the bag caring for our dad after the stroke. I was already managing the household, yard work and finances before that. It is sad. I am getting some counselling so maybe my relationships can be repaired.
(0)
Report

Wow! I really thought maybe it was just my siblings being jerks! I have taken care of my Mom since my Dad passed 12 years ago and I have 1 sister and 4 brothers. 1 brother in the last few years started helping keep the lawn mowed. He lived with her for a few years which helped give me a break and I think he learned a few things, so he does still keep the lawn mowed and she will call him when she needs some emergency help. She has anxiety attacks and stomach issues all the time. We have made several trips to the ER. She just recently had knee surgery and I stayed with her for 3 days in the hospital. I was thanked by many of the nurses for staying which was a first for me. And a few asked me if I had a medical background because I knew her med's and several of the names of others, mostly because there where so many that she had tried and could not take. Try getting your parent through knee surgery without narcotics, not fun. I have to admit 4 out of 5 siblings did manage to come visit her though. She was scheduled for the second knee surgery in December but has told me she just doesn't think she can do another one this soon or maybe ever. I had one brother and my sister tell her that she will do it because that is what needs to be done! Well I got news for them our Mom is still of sound mind and no one is going to tell her she has to do this surgery now. Besides that, I'm not ready either, lol!  Mom and I discussed it and we both agree she should wait. Its been 3 weeks and she still has a lot of pain. My youngest son stepped u to the plate and took care of her dogs for the 2 weeks she was in the hospital and rehab.  Then continued to stay with her 24/7 and take her to physical therapy 3 times a week.  He is currently unemployed so I have been trying to pay him a little each week because it has been a tremendous help to both Mom and I.  
She is also awful lonely living by herself, so I think she will probably be moving in with my husband and I any time now. I know I am doing the best I can for Mom and no matter what I will always be there for her. With all that being said I still have hard feelings toward most of my siblings and it will take a long time to get over it. I have shed too many tears because of them and am doing by best to just take care of Mom.
(2)
Report

I don't know your situation of course, or what kind of parents you and your siblings had, but a common reason for a sibling being nonchalant about a parent's death is that there never was a real relationship with the parent - perhaps abuse, perhaps the parent was preoccupied with their own agenda, etc. So the child, to deal with the rejection and pain, decides to mentally "divorce" the parent. In extreme cases this can be a lifesaving move, but the problem is that the bridges are burned - to the child the parent is just another casual acquaintance. Also, many children are selfish and preoccupied with their own concerns. All too common. Sometimes you just have too do what you believe in the right thing, stop having expectations of sibs that are not realistic and be willing to get help where you can.
(6)
Report

Sorry for you loss. Both my parents are currently in assisted living after a year of hellish health and mental decline. Living 6 hours away, I moved in with them for several months to help stabilize their health while we searched for solutions. After 4 months, I needed a break and called my brother to help. He lasted two weeks with a live-in caregiver and wasn't able to "help" at all after that. I returned back and dealt with both parents while driving home 6 hours at a pop. We did find a lovely assisted facility for them and after a bumpy 3 month start they are fairly stable- my mom had to be transported to a mental health facility due to delusions and hallucinations (thought my father was trying to kill her, called the local police numerous times) was then transported to a medical hospital due to extreme weight loss. She's now in the Memory Care unit while my dad maintains a separate apartment in assisted living. It blows my mind that my brother hasn't called them or me in 5 months.
(3)
Report

I took care of both of my parents for seven years. Dad passed away in 2012. I lived a block away from my only sibling and for the two years that we lived close by she came to vist them twice. Mom started to get extremely sick about two years ago. A month and a half ago she was diagnosed with CHF. During those last two years and specifically the month and a half before passing I asked my sister for help many times. Not monetary, just time. She does not work. I have a full time job and live about an hour and a half from the workplace. She lives only 15 minutes away from my house. She never once complied. The day before mom passed away she came to the house, did not speak to me and stayed only for about an hour. The day mom passed I called her to let her know and she said she could not make it to my house at that moment. I am experiencing alot of grief and not exactly understanding how someone can be so non-chalant about a parents passing. I was with my through the whole process, and watched he detriorate day by day. She died at home and I was able to hold her hand and say goodbye. She never wanted to die at a hospital and I did everything I could to keep her at home with us. I consider this a priviledge. I am, however, dumfounded by my sibling and not exactly sure what to do with her. She is my only sibling. I guess I needed to vent.
(4)
Report

I feel exactly the same way about my nieces. Mom has three grandaughters, all adults, all unmarried and no kids. Their deadbeat father never contributed a dime to those girls, both before and after my sister died seven years ago my mother put literally everything she had into helping my sister and her kids. Without my mother the lot of them would have been living in the woods under a tarp and that's no joke either. But does any of that matter now, especially since the money tap has been cut off? Obviously not.

Examples: last summer while I was sitting in the hospital waiting for her to come out of surgery I asked if one of them could stop by (five minutes away), use the spare key and feed the cat. "Looks like my car tire might be getting flat, can't do it". A few months after she came home for good she was in rare form, not giving me a moment's peace. They asked if they could stop by and I was thrilled as it'd give me a chance to take care of some bills and etc. After maybe five minutes the two younger ones are weeping because mom mentioned their deceased mother, the oldest one is berating her "you cannot do that!!!" and the other two are sobbing and asking me if grandma "remembers" that mommy died, like I have any idea what's going on in her head. Then this past February a dear friend of mine died and I wanted to attend the service, but they "couldn't" cover for me because "their daddy" (a lifelong deadbeat btw) was coming by with pizza (he was angling toward asking if he could move in with them). Now they haven't visited or even inquired about their grandmother since May, when the oldest one asked if 11:15 PM on a Sunday night was "too late" for a visit (what do YOU think?).

I've already decided that when the time comes there isn't going to be a big service or anything, just a memorial for me. Her family and relatives are all gone as are the bulk of her old friends and I'm not going to shell out for a memorial service just to watch those hypocritical lazy little brats weep themselves silly. They had their chance and they've blown it badly thus far.
(3)
Report

I understand but I knew the one sister was severely mentally ill and could hardly care for her children and the other I thought was the 'nice' one turned out to be totally self centered & also MENTALLY ILL. I really haven't had to deal with too much angst towards them because of all this so that energy wasn't STOLEN and directed at a waste of time. I was shocked at the reaction I got from the one 'nice' sister when I said mom & I would come visit (they both live far away). She literally started moving people into her home then ended up yelling at me saying she needed time to get ready for guests after a year of me asking
(1)
Report

My sister disappeared years ago. The family sort of believes she is dead. Well, after 20 years of silence, it is probably true.

My brother is in really serious financial trouble. He can't muster the money to rent a car and make the trip here. I don't blame him for leaving me to deal with all this, but I did resent his demand for $10,000 to come and visit! Really?

So, there isn't any other siblings. I do not even acknowledge him. If I get an email, I reply the same way I would to an acquaintance.

I admit, I is probably easier on me this way. No one to resent, no expectations to be disappointed.
(5)
Report

I guess I'm on the other side of the coin. My mom had uterine cancer back in 2014, she was living with me at the time. I asked my sister to please take her to the doctor since I have anxiety issues and I had a feeling when she was bleeding that we were dealing with something serious. she took her to ONE appointment and confirmed what I suspected.
I handled all the talks to the doctors, had to basically beg because she didn't have insurance. took her to all chemo treatments and yes my sister visited ad had her in her house for 3 days or so at a time and then my mom stayed full time with me.

fast forward two years, her cancer is back. I'm sick of it, I CANNOT go thru that again, the endless waiting rooms, talks with doctors, depressing chemo rooms. the neverending knot in my stomach and sick feeling that I'm losing my mom and she didn't do a damn thing to take care of herself EVER. again she doesn't have insurance or qualifies for medicaid.
my husband left me a year ago, I'm alone with 3 children that I barely support with child support and savings. My sister took my mom BUT she somehow sequestered her and told me I was a piece of crap daughter because I abandoned her when she got sick again. She doesn't let me visit, she sends me horrible texts, calls insults, I have been verbally abused so many times and get this my mother has been living with her for TWO freaking weeks. After my mom passes I really don't want anything to do with her, I was driving 4 times a week during the first week to help with groceries, help her clean the house or watch her kids. she kicked out of the house because I didn't want to take my mom back full time with me.
I'm not going thru that again, I made my peace. I guess this is it for us sisters, I don't think we'll speak again after my mom passes.
(4)
Report

Barb: I know just how you feel. I am the sole caregiver for my 80 year old mom who was diagnsed with alzheimers even though I know she does not have it and instead has Lewy Body dementia despite no doctor ever coming out and agreeing with me which is another frustrating topic. My two siblings do not help. My brother does live away so he can'th elp much but he calls maybe once every two weeks? Seriously? He is on the phone for five minutes. That's his helping. My sister lives ten minutes away and she writes my mom's bills and takes her to an occasional doctor appt. but that's about it. I am the one living with mom who has to do everything, all the cooking, cleaning, food shopping, house cleaning, medications, and then on weekends I can't go anywhere because I feel guilty leaving her. My Mom is paying for an aide to stay with her for five hours while I am at work. She really cannot afford to pay for a weekend aide. She insists she can stay alone and I can leave her for a few hours but she will not remember to take her medications or cook for herself. God forbid my sister ever offer to come on a saturday afternoon and take my mom out.She does not want to give up any of her social life. I haven ot had a vacation in two years but yet everyone else in my family has had numerous vacations and it looks like this summer is going to be a repeat of last summer. Its just not fair. If a parent has three children, all three should be sharing the caregiving duties. I imploded the other night and unfortunately my mom got all upset but I had to get it out. I told her her two children were pretty much useless and her granddaughters are just as bad. They never come to visit or call. I am done going out of my way for any of them and I feel the same as you, when my Mom passes I doubt I will have anything to do with them again. Unfortunately this illness has ruined whatever relationship I had with my siblings. People say oh call and get an aide to help. If there is no money how do you get an aide. My siblings will not pay . They claim my mother can be left alone. They are not there to see what I see. I can't get through to them. I cannot afford to pay for an aide myself so I feel like I am stuck. Its a horrible situation. My Mom goes no where during the week except to get her hair done so I feel guilty going out all day saturday and leaving her there. She does nothing but sit on the couch and watch t.v. She needs socialization. Her friends never call or come around. Its very sad. If I go anywhere I have to bring her with me.
(0)
Report

I too have been taking care of my mother for 10+ yrs. I am a 55 yr old single man w/o any social life. My sister never calls or visits. My brother visits 2 - 3 times a year but it's almost more trouble than it's worth. My brother told me too that "I chose this life" which is true, but you're right - It's his mother too. I feel trapped but if I don't do this who will. I have come to the conclusion I'm in this thing alone. I have hired help for Mom but it's not dependable and I have had to train new caregivers as they came. Finally I made a deal with our roomer for free rent in exchange for 8 hrs a week and help as needed. He has lived here for 8+ years and knows my Mother well. It has worked out well. I still can't get away for long because Mom doesn't trust anyone but me for bathroom issues etc. and when she needs help I have to be close. I stay within about a 10 mile radius so I can be back quickly when needed.
I often vent, mostly e-mails to my brother, but he doesn't understand and I usually regret it. Oh well...

I too need releif. The sad thing is the only releif I will ever receive is when Mom dies. It's a sad situation.

Hang in there.
(3)
Report

Hi Debsent, I'm glad that we all were some help for you. I spent years struggling with why siblings weren't helping with the parents. Only when I found this site in June of this year I found how common the parent's behaviors are towards their caregiver family. It's relief isn't it? Well, I'm glad that you will be putting your husband and child first. Take care! And feel free to stop by and vent or anything!
(0)
Report

Sallie, enjoy your vacation! Try not to worry about home (mom) or else that vacation is not a vacation. Sis will help or not (who knows? But at the moment, it's not your problem - or it's hers.) As for mom, she will need to just be as strong as she can until you return. Maybe it will help her realize that you need extra help with regards to her well-being.

Enjoy your vacation!!!
(1)
Report

Hi all, I'm actually sending this message while on a much needed vacation. When I get back home I'm facing an MRI of my liver because they saw something on my CT scan. If that's clear then they will do the lumpectomy. Sis said "go away and have a great time. Don't worry about mom " I left Saturday and sis hasn't done anything so far and mom isn't feeling well.
(0)
Report

Thank you, everyone, for writing the things I have been secretly thinking for 2 years, when I became my mother's caregiver after the death of my dad. I have a brother who is useless and as irresponsible as can be, I finally realize that some things just have to go undone, and will have no guilt when the end comes for her. It helps to know we are not alone. I have no idea how to make selfish siblings wake up to their immorality, especially when you have friends and family members telling you it is the "daughter's job!" I feel that my first obligation is to my husband and child and that is how I am going to proceed from now on.
(1)
Report

Lh, I really don't understand some people. Okay, most people. Your brother and SIL are not unusual. I swear, when I thought my dad became bedridden and now I'm caring for 2 bedridden (mom), I thought siblings will step up to help. Nope! So, I wasn't surprised about your bro. I hope you and mom have an enjoyable weekend!

Sallie, I am constantly thinking of you and what you're going through. Thanks for updating us. Your sister is something else. As for sis, she's like a sailboat. A sailboat is usually seen in good weather. Your sis offers help when she's in a good mood. It's too bad that she can't "grow up" and start pulling her weight with your mom or to be atleast be with you as a support. Yeah, I agree with you - People's priority are messed up! You take care and we will wish with all our hearts that it's not as bad as it's beginning to sound...HUGS!!
(0)
Report

Hi all, thanks for the support. Ive had more test run. There is another suspicious lump in same breast seen via MRI. They also saw something on my liver and I had a CT scan yesterday! The sister who "helps" when she can took mom to PT yesterday. I also found out her and her husband are getting their passports so they can go on yet another vacation. Sis tells me she can't help much because she works part time three days a week to help with the bills. If she didn't go on vacation all the time she wouldn't have to work! Peoples prioritys are messed up!
(2)
Report

Your bank can make copies going back years I needed that when filling out medicaide my bank did if for no charge because I had stuck with them through many buyout and name changes it took about 1 wk. to get them.
(0)
Report

Hi Book! Bro didn't even speak with mom. They were bringing my nephew up to school so, he was there! SIL definitely believes she can get to mom. Mom is already on to her Son and Daughter. It's difficult as she doesn't want to believe they don't care about her. She is their mother. Not being a mom, I'm sure it's heartbreaking. As I said, I'll believe it when I see it and I'm sure that it won't last!

Book, have to apologize but haven't had a chance to set up scanner yet. I'm hoping to do so this weekend. I'm sure it'll work fine but, will let you know. Do you have returned checks? Bank Statements? These should be proof enough, right? They would show a paper trail.
(0)
Report

Hi LH, I'm glad to hear about your mom. I can't believe SIL really thinks she's fooling anyone! But, where is your brother? Still going to be MIA? I sure hope your mom pulls through, LH. I really don't want to see you go through the wringer if your bro and SIL think your mom is dying. They will be circling you both like sharks. Shudder! I've ready way toooo many stories on this site about that! That's why I asked you if you and mom have all your papers done.

By the way,LH, you mentioned buying a scanner at Walmart. How is it? Can this scanner also scan like receipts from stores? I'm still trying to find a scanner for my parent's expenses. (I read a lot of horror stories about that here too! I want to make sure I have proof that my dad's money went to their expenses and not to my pocket.)
(0)
Report

Hi all. How are you? Been busy. Took mom in for medi-port treatment and first chemo. She did well. Long day! Mom told me SIL called. Said she found out about procedure and PET Scan results. Said she would help. I'll believe it when I see it! Said mom should have told them. Mom said why, you said you wouldn't do anything. SIL claims she had an infection and stayed away for mom's sake. LOL Lie after Lie after Lie! Yes, she had to stay away from mom but, could have a party for 100+ guests!
(1)
Report

My thoughts and prayers are with you also, I hope all turns out well for you:)
(1)
Report

Hi Sallie, I'm sorry to hear about the breast cancer. If you need to vent or tell us about your day (ups and downs, doesn't matter), please feel free to write it here. You know that we all care for each other, right? That's what friends are for. And if you need me to research stuff, don't hesitate to ask. I just love surfing the net! Sometimes I get distracted but...if the doctors present to you a procedure, or medication, etc...please go ahead and ask me. I will research for you the pros and cons. ...(That's one reason I absolutely refuse to take cipro for my bladder infections.)

And Sallie, what I wrote to LH above, that is totally different from your situation. I think you caught yours in time, right? My 10-yr old niece was one of those "grown-up" children. She had to learn from a very young age that if she wants to eat, she would have to fend for herself. Her mom and her grandma (my oldest sis) can sleep all day. So, niece had to find food if she was hungry. I guess she was so used to fending for herself, that it never occurred to her to tell her mom about the very painful lump on her leg. (But in my heart, I think niece figured that they didn't love her enough because she had no hugs, encouragements or fed meals like a real family does.)

I really, really hope that your sister who "helps" really do help and it's not just a few token "help" then stops. With her "busy" schedule (hmmm...6 hrs a day on Mon, Tues & Wed), I'm sure she can do more.

Have you done any brainstorming on how to encourage sis to keep "helping"? Sometimes, people need a little push or incentive to help out with the caregiving. And sometimes that doesn't work, either. So, you take care, Sallie!!! Hugs to you!!!
(1)
Report

Salie I am so sorry about your cancer I and I know others will be here for you and I am glad that one sib will be helping more-maybe she can get the others to step up and help-probably not bit hopify that will happen/
(1)
Report

Hi Sallie, my prayers are with you! I've been dealing with the same as far as my mom. Her breast cancer has gotten slightly larger since her last PET scan a month ago and we now have to go for chemo treatments every 3 weeks. My brother screamed at her yesterday because she didn't want to go to see her grandchildren who were leaving for college. She didn't feel well and didn't want to be treated like crap again by them. She said her grandchildren are old enough where they can come and see her. I just can't get over how people can be so cruel. This is his mother and grandmother to his children! She has cancer and he has the audacity to scream and yell at her?!? It's disgusting, cruel and inhuman! How can people be so selfish?

Sallie, hang in there! Take care of YOU!!! Sending hugs!!!
(1)
Report

Hi All, I haven't been here in a while. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I've been having all sorts of test run while still caring for mom. Last result was from my MRI yesterday. There is another small mass and they want to do another biopsy. If this one is cancer I'll have a mastectomy. I'm not telling you all of this for attention, just wanted to say my one Sibling out of 5 who " helps " when she can called and said she would help more. She did take mom to P.T. last Thursday, but can't do it today because she has a lot to catch up on after going away last weekend yet again. She works Mon, Tues, and Wed 6 hours a day and her kids are young adults. She has a great way of making herself sound like the busiest person in the world!
(2)
Report

Oh, Book, yes, mom and I have been getting things in order. We do have a Living Will but, do not have a Financial POA. That's a thought!
(0)
Report

Thanks so much, Book. I'm so glad I found this site! Mom did pretty well on the chemo 10 years ago. Of course, she was a lot stronger then to handle it! The doc said this chemo is not as harsh as the other. She will not lose her hair or feel nauseated. I just have to watch her white blood cell count. I recall that 10 yrs ago, her count was very low and I had to take her to the ER to build up her immunities again. I recall my sister insisted she come to a party for my niece. Mom surrounded by kids with a low WBC count not good! Mom is a trooper. She said she'll do what she has to do.

I'm so sorry about your niece. That's horrible for someone to go through at her young age -- at ANY age! So sad.

I will do my best as far as the rest of the family. It was so good for her!
(1)
Report

1 2 3 4 5
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.