Desperate need of advice

Started by

I've been living with my friends mother now for 8 weeks. She has Dementia and is close to the 5th stage. At first she was relieved and no longer frightened when I had moved in. Now she still has confusion, dilusions and is worried about lots of little things. She misplaces things and thinks her cats are talking to her and the tv is talking to her sending her messages. She has recently, in the last 5 days, become demanding, frustrated with me, she has hit me with her purse and has been feeling threatend by me. She even feels her daughter, my friend, is betraying her. I know this is part of the disease, but the problem is, in a few months we are moving in with her daughter and I feel this may be a wrong move as we both will become her enemy. Is assisted living the best solution for elders with dementia. If she is going to become more demanding and abusive and threatend is it fair to say we will be victims, when we are trying to be the best possible caregivers. She has never had a mean bone in her life until now. I am looking for advice.


I don't know the answers to your questions ... but feel for your situation. I'm hoping someone with more insight into your situation gives you some advice that is helpful. Sending prayers your way!!
Sad thing about dementia is one never knows until one the individual is going to react. The best person perhaps to answer your question might be a geriatric social worker in collaboration with a doctor as to whether the lady needs to be in long-term care. If her demetia is that advanced, I would not be surprised if the answer you get is yes. Dementia is an annoying disease to say the least. It has ravaging efects on quality of life and relationships with caregivers and makes you feel like you have nowhere to turn, but you do have somewhere to turn. Ask the doctor for a social work referral and assessment based on the progression of symptoms you are describing. Most importantly, keep sharing. Sometimes that is all a caregiver can do to cope with a high level of stress and uncertainty.
Hello to all, I am at work and just had to stop in. Do you all hear what I am hearing. We are all so much alike in our feelings, our backgrounds, our care giving abilities. yes, we all have abilities and probably do a better job than we even know hence, our Moms, husbands and others would not depend on us so. When they depend on us we resent it but when they don't we resent that to that is how we were raised, to be caregivers. You cannot be a caregiver if you don't have compassion and love. I struggle with my feelings for my Mom to I want to have that movie version of mother and daughter relationship. I never had a daughter but I can imagine how I would feel. I know I cried secretly when my son had his first heart break and not make fun of him as my mother did when I was a teenager. I am a loving, giving person, I want to change the world my husband says and when I read your posts so do you or at least the part of the world you live in. Perhaps these things ought to be brought up to your husbands doctor austin I took care of my mother-in-law who had dementia/alzheimers it is not a easy task and they can be so mean and hurtful but also lost. You are all great caregivers never lose track of that, I know it's easy to forget, but you cannot take anything personal as Jesus said forgive them they know not what they do. Lean on Him he is there for you. Don't get lost in all of this sadness. Unfortunately I learned a long time ago once you are born this is your goal some go out quietly others kicking and screaming and the famous line you always hurt the one you love is so true that to is because they rely on you for everything. Take time for you have a massage if you can afford one, get your hair done, have lunch with a friend, do something for you and guess what it's okay your life means as much to God as any other life. So as good as you treat those you care for do the same for you. Stress can really hurt you I know the first six months my mom came to live with me I was so stressed out I could have flown and than BINGO heart pain, tests, blockage so I keep the stress to a minimum, I am entitled to my opinion the same as mom they just aren't the same opinion. Just because she gave birth to me doesn't mean I have to be like her. Its hard but its doable. I am so glad I found this place. I hope I can encourage all of you to be who you are not what someone else wants you to be and still be able to care for your family member. You see those siblings of yours that could care less, well they can't do what you can. There is a reason for that. Love yourself I've had to dig way down and become the mother I never had as a child and I can remember and this might sound crazy but I remember closing my eyes, wrapping my arms around myself and saying its okay baby mama loves you to myself. I am a very good mother and I don't have to tell myself that to make it so "THE PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING" LOVE TO YOU ALL
Neonwocky, Thank you for your words of wisdom. I also feel the way you do. I saved some for myself when I was caring for my dad. One of the greatest things I ever heard is, What you think of me is none of my business. I took care of myself and was judged by those not helping. Who cares. A hundred years from now will it matter. Thank you for sharing. You made my day.
NEON-YOU GO GIRL Thank you so much for your words. At a support group a lady there told me I was manageing well and I had thought myself such a failure but her words stuck and now we are best of friends even tho her husband passed and she moved a ways away. I just love this positive way it is going on the last few days-that is what it is all about being able to tell our troubles and others responding either with a kick to the behind which I need at times or gentle words of love
Well thanks everyone, I am so glad this site is here. No why?

I stop thinking about me and want to reach out to you.

Have you had your hot chocolate today yet, well take five everybody and don't forget use the real whipped cream.

Love to all
3931 helpful answers
Neon, you are one wise woman. Thanks for stopping in and please continue. We all need to hear what you have to say.
NEON -Hot choclate sounds good so does getting on this site.
Hello everyone, new to the board. I am going through the same kinds of things. We recently relocated my mother to my city via a medical escort company (airescort). Things went smooth as silk, and as time progressed my mom started to do some of the very same things. It is so demanding and draining, but I try to remember, I was the same way when she brought me into the world! Take time for yourself!! take a deep breath!
Hi, I'm new to this site pretty new to care giving. 7 months. My-mom-in-law. how do you have the hot chocolate without this person your caring for following you everywhere. I mean everywhere.It's kind od creeping me out it's so bad.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support