CARINGWIFE Asked June 2008

When is it enough?

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My husband has gotten considerably less self-sufficient over the past year. He can no longer walk, his vision is almost entirely gone, he has a difficult time communicating and his short-term memory is bad. In recent weeks he has fallen so often making transfers that he no longer uses the bathroom but prefers a bed pan and he does not want me to bathe him because he is too tired, etc. I feel that I have reached the end of my rope, while I never wanted to put him in a nursing home I'm beginning to feel there is no other choice. Hospice comes in twice a week but it really isn't enough.

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Pollypop57 Sep 19, 2017
I take care of my mom, who is 91 years old.. She depends on me for everything..She lives with us, and has for about two years..
She is on walker and will not try to excerise her cripple leg or hands, nothing..
I have to insist anymore for shower, and hair washed.. She cusses me so badly when I suggest washing her hair.. Seems she wants to fuss at me..
Use to she loved to get her hair done.. ALso her nails.. She still gets pedicure, as long as I can take her.. Which is getting really hard..
With a bad back, and Rhemotoid, I have alot of health problems also.. Makes it so hard..
I have taken care of her now about 2 yrs alone, except when my husband helps..
He is good to help or I wouldnt make it.. I am a only child..
Times have gotten harder, and nerves are working on me..
I try to go and sit and relax, and now find it harder and harder to relax at all..
If i go outside to drink tea, she gives me fifth degree when I come in but she wont go out with me..
I dont go anywhere except twice a month to grocery store.. Very little do I go anywhere.
No going out to eat or anything. I have tried taking her but it has gotten worse about her getting out.. So, I just soon to stay home as to battle with her or have her go in a rage in the resturant...Its a mess...
She doesnt even try anymore to help herself much. Expects us to wait on her totally..
She can do but wont.. She tells me she dont care...
She has wet the bed lately quite a bit.. I wonder if she just wont get up,
I am taking her back to Dr. this afternoon for checkup, and see what stage we maybe in now.
Sounds like stage,. 6 or 7 but I dont know...
Thanks, for letting me vent and Bless all you, for taking care of your loved ones..
I know how hard it is, and mentally exhausting at times..
Prayers For All,
Big Hugs
Di
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NomadSE Sep 19, 2017
I'm there with you. My mom is in stage 6 and she is becoming harder and harder to stand up. Sometimes, it is because she is weak, sometimes she just forgets how to stand and I don't think she comprehends what I'm saying. So I'm having a hard time physically. I still think I could do it if I had home help to help with showering and lifting, but realistically I don't think that will happen. To make matters more complicated, we live in a 3 story house with the bedrooms on the basement and second floor levels with a staircase into the house from both the garage and front door. So there is NO option for wheelchair access and that is where my mom is headed in the not too distant future. Like in the next week or so if things keep on the way they are now.

I've looked at a nursing home nearby that has low ratings but looks really nice and they talk a nice game...the other options I looked at were far worse with urine smell hitting you the moment you walked in. At least this one didn't have urine smell.

I guess there is no really good option when you have to rely on the state to pick up the tab. You try to pick the best of the bad and then second guess yourself.

I still have to jump through the hoop of getting a history and physical done on my mom and having that sent to the LTC facility so that they can see "if they can provide the level of care that my mom needs".
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cdnreader Sep 18, 2017
Dear Sue,

It's so good of you to care for your mom. I know you are doing everything you can. You are giving her amazing care. I had the same concerns with my father. I felt like the nursing home couldn't or wouldn't do a good enough job for him as I could.

But at the same time, I failed to realize how angry and resentful I was getting about being in the trenches every day with him, while my siblings were "free" from all the decision making. Even what to make for breakfast, lunch and dinner became overwhelming.

He passed last year and I don't know if I still made the right choice. I hope others can add more insight.
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SueC1957 Sep 18, 2017
I decided to resurrect this 9 year old thread because it's where I am in the Alzheimer's mess also. Fortunately, the patient is my mother, not my spouse. I think, with a spouse, it would be much tougher because, you, the caregiver, are near the same age as the person you're caring for. It's hard enough being 30 years younger as the adult child! I'm tired at the end of the day.

Hubby and I have talked about whether to place her when she gets "too bad", (whatever that is--she's entering stage 7 at this time). It's hard.

She got good care at the memory care facility BUT she was falling fairly often, dropping her diaper to pee in the corners of rooms, etc. which indicates she wasn't being watched as well as I would have liked. She wound up fracturing her wrist, had multiple bruises on various parts of her body and had to have a CT scan to make sure she didn't have a concussion. She had a UTI when we brought her home and I immediately took her to the doctor. The facility also missed a cellulitis in her leg (she picks at her skin) and I pointed it out. I know they weren't assisting her to the bathroom every 2 hours like I do, hence, the peeing problem. (She can't sit down or stand up without max assist) and probably didn't want to sit in a wet diaper or feel embarrassed that she wet herself.

If we place her in a skilled nursing facility, will they turn and reposition her often enough (every 2 hours to prevent bedsores), bathe her even though she might put up a fuss, offer liquids every 2 hours, etc.? Really, you just can't be sure. The cost would be picked up by the state (Medi-Cal), so the facility may not have a 5 star rating.

I'm fully capable of caring for her (I'm a nurse) but not sure my (already bad) back will hold up. I guess we'll just take one step at a time.

Anyone else in this predicament?
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SusanMyers Jun 2008
CARINGWIFE,

How are you doing? I hope a least a little bit better. Do not give up. I wish I could put my arms around you a give you a big hug. So concider yourselve hugged!

I will pray for you and your husband,
Susan
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SusanMyers Jun 2008
Sweetheart I watched my step mother go through close to this with my dad. She could not get out of his sight before he would start to yelling for her. Even if she just need to go to the bath room. I would go and sit with him for her to go shopping for thier supplies. I would try to tell her to take her time. Do something for you while you are out. But she thought he might fight with me or just get upset. We all need time for us. When Hospice comes in do you leave the house for a while? Even if it is to just take a walk around the block, anything. My father was ill for a very long time. He was twice her size. When he fell, she could only put a pillow under his head and a blanket over him. When he felt as if he could help her get him up then they could do it. My heart goes out to you! It is very hard to have an adult baby on your hands.

In Christian Love,
Susan Myers
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