Why is my mother mean primarily to my husband and me?

I went through this with my mom for over a year. Sometimes she would get mad at me and make mean comments about my fiance. My fiance would help me sometimes when I went to take care of my parents. He helped me get her in and out of the car for appointments until she went in hospice. He would mow their lawn, etc. My mom was overweight and on oxygen 24/7. She had so many medical problems (diabetes, COPD, Congestive Heart Failure and High Blood Pressure). Feel free to vent to me anytime. I understand how you feel.

A little humor might help?

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If Mom has always been this way Dementia will not change her. There is no rhyme or reason to the disease. She has no control over her mind. No, if she gets abusive you do not have to tolerate that. You can walk away. But some things you just need to let roll off your back. Paranoia is a big thing with those who suffer from Dementia. Just figure what husband does is for Dad.

My SILs father had ALZ. My SIL is a B. Its all about her. When my niece was here a couple of years back, we were shopping SIL called her while we were checking out. Niece said she was checking out and would call her when we got back to the car. She did and SIL did not answer. Niece said "she does this all the time". When SIL returned nieces call it was something that SIL could have told her when she got home. Niece was only here 2 days. I was going to talk to her later and make sure she has set boundries with her Mom because at 71 at the time, it will get worse especially if BIL goes first. There is also a possibility that she could get ALZ and I am sure those filters will drop and she will be hell to live with. Me, I can get along with her but always waiting for that shoe to drop. I did not speak or visit for 10 yrs because of the way I and my husband were treated at one visit. Never an apology.

In answer to Lea, I asked Moms Neurologist do personalities change with Dementia he said:

If they were nice before, they will be after
If they were mean before, they will be after
If they were nice before and mean after, they were always mean just good at covering it up.

The last one I think would have been my MIL. She always said "you can attract more bees with honey than vinegar" She did live this with friends but I saw the nasty side when she did not get her own way. Filters are gone when Dementia comes into the picture. So that false niceness goes away and the real person emerges.

Even with dementia at play as it is here, I'd tell mom to start acting like a civilized human being towards both you and your husband or all the help you give them stops NOW. I gave my own mother with dementia that same option, to stop her horrible ranting at me or I'd leave her presence or hang up the phone, and she managed to "get it" pretty quickly. An elder doesn't get a free pass to abuse you bc they've been fortunate enough TO reach old age, or bc they have dementia either.

Be nice or I'm outta here.

Why is it some elders are sweet and wonderful, grateful to be alive and have you helping them out, while others spit in your eye for all you do for them? Don't allow it. Your folks can hire a gardener, treat him like dirt and see where THAT gets them!

Oh wow. Your mom is a crafty one. She knows what she is doing and likely has been doing it all her life. Women like this still manage to keep a husband for life (why?!!) and has the kids dancing to her tune. I've found most people who act this way aren't doing it because they're old; they've always been like that. And when they're old, they use age as an excuse to treat family like garbage-- all the while expecting family to be there at her beck and call 24/7.

And if the family refuses to be at her beck and call? She explodes. Tantrums, yells, manipulates, cries. If Mama isn't happy, then no one will be happy. "You're all ganging up on me! I AM YOUR MOTHER, YOU SHOULD DO AS I SAY!". Or the "You're picking on an old lady and you'll be sorry when I'm dead". She of course has NO clue why her family doesn't want to be near her.

I have a friend whose mother is just like this. Likes power, control and has to be the Queen Bee. She has a housekeeper and hairdresser that come by every week, and they marvel how sweet Mama is. What they don't know is as soon as they leave, sweet ol' Mama calls them "trashy" and how they are beneath her. Her daughter is breaking her back trying to help her, but mother refuses help and says "you're just trying to take my money!" and cusses her out. But guess who she calls when she needs something?

It's her world and the rest of you just live in it. Her system has worked all this time and she is not going to change it. Only thing you can change is your approach. You don't have to lash out (though no one would blame you!). Her disrespect of you is unacceptable.

Can present it as "Mom, we seem to just upset you when we do things for you. You don't like us mowing the lawn and don't enjoy it when we take you to dinner. We don't want to keep upsetting you, so we're going to stop doing those things." Then she can hire a lawn service or have meals delivered. When she balks at that, remind her that if she wants you to keep doing for her, then she needs to be pleasant.

Only disadvantage is your father might suffer for it. He is appreciative and she is not. I will never understand how good men end up with such shrews for wives and stick with them.

Was Mom ever really any different, or is this just "Mom"? When I hear things such as she thinks you are trying to "take daddy away from her" it makes me think that there is some fear involved here, some loss of control? You know, in age, we lose things one after another, our ability to see, to hear, our balance, our muscles, our teeth. We get achy and cranky. At 80 I can vouch for this. We fear other losses, our continence, our finances, our control of our finances, our memories and abilities. It's a tough time. At their 90s your parents ARE SO LUCKY to have you there helping and allowing them to maintain their independence so long as they are able. So lucky to be taken out to lunch and so on. And it is so sad to think Mom cannot now come "out of herself" enough to enjoy things, to realize how lucky she is. But it's the case. And it must be crazy-making. After the meal you and your hubby can hopefully get a couple of laughs and do the loud "Grrrrrrrraghhhhh" after Mom exits the car. Maybe collect what she says that is the most outrageous so you can turn your frustration to merriment.
And what treasures, you are. You just tell Mom that I am 80 and I am trying to think of how to get you to MY HOUSE.

If you want to know why your mother treats you and your husband abusively (and yes, I use the term 'abusively' because that is what she's doing) come right out and ask her. I think it's because you are safe targets for her to lash out at. Also because you and your sister were living your own lives rather than making her the center of your existence in the past. If she's so worried about you trying to take over her "business" tell her plainly that you really couldn't care less about her business so she need not worry.
Stop allowing this nonsense. You call her out on her crap every time she acts up. If she runs her mouth about 'never going out with you and your husband again' let her run it. Don't take her out anymore. Take your father out and let her know if she's going to be a miserable a$$hole that complains incessantly, she will not be getting taken out to dinner or anywhere else by you and your husband.
My point is, don't put up with her crap. You don't have to. Putting up with her nastiness will not improve or help anything. You and your husband are the ones going out of your way to be nice by helping your parents abd taking them out. If your mother is going to be an ingrate, go 'Gray Rock' and avoid her.
Your mother is what I call a 'senior brat'. Like my mother, she thrives on complaining and making others miserable. She thinks that because she's old that entitles her to behave any way she wants and to treat her family any way she wants.
It doesn't.
The next time she complains about your good husband mowing the lawn, he should stop doing it. Let that grass grow into a hay field. Then let her worry about getting it done.
If she complains when you take them out to eat, the next time oly take your father.
Stop tolerating her crap and playing her games.

From your profile: "Youngest of 3 girls, we all try to help mama and daddy. My husband and I go down to their house 2 or 3 times a week. "'

What else do you do for your parents besides your H doing yardwork? You mentioned you drive them places.

Right now are your sisters putting in equal time with your parents?

What's the plan when they need more help? Is one of you going to move in with them? Is this a case of mama and daddy never going to a facility?

Who has HCPOA? POA?

My experience is exactly what NeedHelpWithMom says. I do pretty much everything for my mom yet she is very mean, demanding, unappreciative, etc

The other day she said if I was as mean to my ex girlfriend as I am to her she doesnt blame my ex girlfriend for leaving me. Laughable, but hurt. As i am as good as my mom as can be and even my ex girlfriend would tell you I was never mean to her

A counselor I see explained it this way: People like this do to get what they want:

So to other people, my mom is as nice as can be as my mom wants to be liked by others and she knows in order to be liked she has to be nice. So good she is nice to them butg she is doing it to get something from them, their admiration

To me, she is not interested in being liked by me, she is interested in using me for whatever she can get from me and when I fall short she gets mad.

So as NeedHelp says, not only common but very explainable in a sense

In my experience, parents are always hardest on the people that they feel safest with. They know they can count on you. They are nice to others because they have to keep them on their hook. You are already hooked.

They have a need to impress others. They don’t feel as though they have to impress you.

This is extremely common behavior!

lovesglass54, welcome to the forum. Sometimes one has to put themselves into their parent's shoes to see what life is like for them.

Chances are your parents no longer drive, correct? So there is no hopping into the car to visit friends, run errands, or a pleasant drive in the county. Speaking of friends, chances are most of your parents friends have either passed on or moved away to be closer to their own families. Same with family members, such as siblings that had passed.

Then there are age related issues. Hearing isn't as good, neither is eyesight. Thus, going to the movies is out [even before covid]. As we age we tend to lose our sense of taste so one's favorite food is now bland. Plus, eating out was difficult with mobility. We started using carry-out which worked perfectly. My folks [also were in their 90's] had their favorites from Olive Garden.

My Mom wasn't happy with aging but Dad accepted it. My Mom refused to sell the house and move into senior living into an apartment the same square footage as their house. Dad would have packed in a New York minute. So my hubby and I were running back and forth to their house to help with one thing or another, usually picking Dad up from a fall.

Just food for thought.