Who is going to be there when I become too old to take care of me?

Mom started her caregiving as a teen in the concentration camps in Germany during the war, caring for the younger children that were sick and dying around her. She resumed it back in the 50's and early 60's when she would check on the elderly women that lived on our street, take them places and appointments, shopping and errands. Since they were mostly "housewives and moms" back then, they'd get together for coffee at each other's homes while the kids were at school and husbands were at work, so they all knew each other, watched each other's kids grow up, and the ones that didn't move away over the years watched each other grow older. Mom is now the sole survivor - more than 60 years on the block, and she's cared for and watched all those other women taken out of their homes, either by choice to live in more appropriate settings or against their will because it wasn't safe or lying flat on a gurney with a sheet pulled up. There's no one left to look out for her from all those women, and the younger generation have careers or family of their own they're overwhelmed by already, so this "tradition" of the younger female "caregivers" taking care of the older women in the neighborhood as they grow older seems to be dying out, too. Mom's kids haven't been very good caregivers. Ironic that someone who spent her entire life caregiving would have that fate. There's your answer.

I too am in the same postion.My friends are always after me to stop my evil ways but this is my philosphy:
Live today like there's no tomorrow. Forget the diets and exercise
(unless you love them) eat, drink, smoke and be merry.Do whatever makes you happy within reason.
Eat chocolate, take chances,forget the flu shots and routine examinations by your doctor.
If you are lucky you'll die younger and quicker but happier.
If you linger just refuse medical assistance for any onslaught of disease as most diseases (in the elderly) are not cured nor do they extend the quality of life.
If you lose your mind to dementia or other no worries. You won't realize what's happening and the state will take you under their wing.
The truth is we live too long anyway.

Kid: Also I forgot to mention Case Managers. You can hire one for a one time fee (currently $800?). They do just that, manage your case, whatever your wishes may be, they keep tabs on you or should. I may no doubt be depending on one in my future.

This is a very good discussion topic! I am concerned about this, too. While I have a husband and 3 children, you can never really know how you will be cared for when you are in your final years on this earth. I also have 2 older siblings who, I daresay, I don't think will be helping me out.

My brother lives with my elderly (86-yr old) Mom (aging in place at home) and while I'm frustrated that he doesn't "get it" about tuning in to my mother's needs (i.e. making sure she eats properly, keeping her company -- he generally "hides" in his room all day -- keeping an eye on her when she goes up and down the basement stairs, etc.), he will be devastated when she dies. He has NEVER lived alone; he has always lived with my parents (he's 64). Our father is deceased. We have never been really that close (my brother is 9 years older than me) and it irritates me that I'm always over there doing the "little things" our mother always wants done, when my brother actually LIVES THERE. He doesn't do these things when she asks (i.e. water the garden, put out her chochkies in the garden in the Spring, putting her Christmas decorations up/down, etc.) so she's stopped asking him because he basically tells her, "I'll do it later." I don't blame her. Therefore, when I go there to have a nice visit with our Mom, I end up doing a dozen things that should have already been done. I mean, Good Lord, he LIVES THERE -- JUST DO IT. The poor woman doesn't ask for much. Our sister, while she lives 1/4 mile away from my mother (closer than I do), rarely visits or calls her. It's beyond frustrating (hence, why I'm venting and on this forum).

For example, a couple of years ago, Mom asked my brother to bring out the hose reel from the back patio so SHE could water the front garden and he said his usual "I'll do it when I come back". He was going to play cards with his buddies for the evening. Well, needless to say, after he left, she went to the backyard and started dragging the hose reel from the rear of the house to the front and ended up tripping over it and falling flat on her FACE. Blood was everywhere! She managed to crawl, and I mean crawl, across the street to another elderly neighbor's house and they called my niece (NOTE: my sister has little to no contact with my mother but my sister lives with her daughter -- my niece) who came over immediately and took my mother to the ER. (I was out of town that weekend and ended up being informed about this incident via phone while I was 5 States away.) To say I was pissed is an understatement!!! Mom (and my niece & sister) ended up 8-10 hours in the ER and our Mom having stitches. UGH!! If my brother would have taken just 5 minutes to move the hose reel to the front of the house when she asked him before he left, NONE of this would have happened. Also, if my do nothing sister would visit our Mom once in a while, SHE could have done it, too. My mother has "given up" on asking her for anything, too. But I digress.

My point is -- that as the youngest in the family, I will most likely be caring for my brother in some fashion when the time comes as he never married and has no children. Now, I'm 56 years old and my husband is the same age. Although our children love us, I really don't expect them to "attend to us" when we are frail and elderly. Unfortunately, my generation, I think, are the last of the "true" caregivers and we remember our parents caring for THEIR parents. I feel young people these days are all into themselves (i.e. how many "selfies" can you take with your cell phone and post to Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, etc.) Good Lord! The world is a different place than when we were growing up. In my family, we regularly visited our grandparents, spent time with them, and enjoyed doing it. Now, it's impossible to even get our kids to even CALL their grandparents let alone visit them. Although we didn't raise them that way, it is what it is. It's sad really.

I'm sorry, I digressed from the original question. My advice to you is to perhaps try to save as much money as possible and pay for long term care insurance (I know, it's unbelievably expensive). I don't have it and probably won't get it. Try to get as much arranged in advance as possible to anticipate your health and housing needs.

As someone else said, get out there and make friends, volunteer and network NOW. I have several close friends and we've discussed this exact situation. We know our kids probably aren't going to really be involved in our daily care, so we've made a pact to help each other and be there for each other.

As far as assisted suicide, as a Catholic, I've been taught that is against God's teaching, but it is not out of the realm of possibility should I be diagnosed with a terminal illness. It's truly a conundrum. That poor young girl with brain cancer who moved to Oregon to avail herself of assisted suicide drugs -- I don't blame her one bit. She mitigated her suffering and was of sound mind when she did it. Was her family heartbroken? I'm sure they were but she did what she had to do. Her life, her choice. While there are good and bad NH's out there, I don't particularly want to end up in one. My friend's Mom was put in one when she was 85 and was there for 8 years. She was in one of the "good" ones but it was truly heartbreaking when she wasted away in the end. Dying isn't pretty. My 89-year old mother-in-law keeps telling me, "You know, dying is hard. This sucks." She lives at home with my 83-year old father-in-law and is also "aging in place".

My 3 children (due to circumstances) probably will never have children of their own. I worry about who will care for THEM when they get old. Hopefully, they will care for each other (2 daughters live in our hometown; son lives out of State) when the times comes. My son is a medical student and will probably NEVER return to our hometown. While they were raised in a loving home, they are not particularly close with each other (lovey dovey, I like to say). They all have different personalities and totally different interests from each other. I wish it were different but if I dwell on the fact that THEY will be alone when they are elderly, my anxiety will drive me nuts.

Anyway, I probably haven't contributed to this discussion much so I apologize. I know when I moved in to our neighborhood 26 years ago, WE were the young family and I had VERY elderly neighbors on both sides of my house. I regularly checked in on them and made sure I had the contact information of their children should anything happen to them. I knew they felt better about that. They are gone now (deceased).

Now, WE are the older people in the neighborhood and the new younger families that move onto the street do not have the same sense of "responsibility" (if you will) to check in on the remaining elderly neighbors. Their world is their house and their own families. I just think the world is a colder place these days. Sigh.....

I love lsmiami response and totally agree with it!!!

Come to Munday, TX!!!!! The Munday Nursing Center is the BEST!!!! I can GUARANTEE you. . . .you never have to be alone again. . .my Father is there and we have made arrangement for my mother and father-in-law to stay at this small facility. . .maximum capacity 60 residents. The food is prepared by a gentleman that has retired from being a chef!!! After my son was murdered and my Mom passed away. . . my Dad fell and fractured his spine. . .in house rehab. . in house activities director. . .IT IS UNBELIEVABLE!!!! Small town feel (1600 people). Again, I say, You never have to be alone again!!!

I've thought some of these same things. If you can save money, do that. And learn about resources in your area, too. Depending on where you are, there are a lot of good options for the aging. I happen to live in an area where the Area Agency on Aging does a lot to help keep the elderly independent, by finding people to do yardwork, housework, shopping, etc.
Frankly, I've thought of suicide, too. I see my mom fading away, not able to have a conversation or imagining odd things, and I sometimes think I don't want to be a burden like that to anyone, family or otherwise. I think it's normal to think that and in some ways a sign of empathy and good mental health. But if you're consumed by those thoughts, call a helpline and see if you can secure counseling!

I should have written co-op instead of coop, but maybe it is a good thing to call ourselves. We are the future Coopers.

This is a good discussion and I wonder if there is any good way to prepare, or do we just have to hope for good luck. I think about my own parents. They are/were middle class and had a fat nest egg built up. If they did not had a family caregiver, that nest egg would be gone. It would be over seven years of care between the two of them.

I do think that people are going to have to put their heads together to come up with plans for care of the aging. This will be us soon. I do not have faith that the government can come up with sustainable solutions. There are too many conflicts of interests in the government. I listened to the president's State of the Union address the other night and agreed with the things that he said. At the same time I realized that the government did not have the money that would be needed to do all the things he mentioned... and that the probability of increasing taxes on the wealthy was small, given the conflicts of interests. The wealthy are the main supporters of the politicians, who are not going to bite the hands that feed them.

The idea of coops sound very good to me. And if there are people who are too mean and cranky -- set in their ways -- to live with others, then fine. They can live by themselves. For the more sociable people, coops are a great idea. I lived in a retirement community in TX where people looked out for one another. I guess you say it was like a coop. Many of us were a tight-knit group that helped each other. Ages went from 60s-90s. I was the baby in my 50s then. It does work.

I'm sorry that I don't have a "real" answer. Getting old and needing more and more help is a very bleak and very dangerous situation. My mother (in a nursing home with dementia) has only me. (My do nothing sister is not involved...at all.) I'm there advocating for her regularly. I've said on this board that my mom is not in a "bad" nursing home. Now I'm of the opionion that even the better ones are "bad." (Two showers a week if you're lucky, not enough staff, and a pervasive attitude that these people are on their way out anyway. It's reflected in that medical care. Couple that with the need to make money to stay in business and it's a recipe for disaster.)

Most of my friends are in our 40s and 50s and childless. We live in a large metropolitan area where the lifestyle does not lend itself to making deep, lasting connections and it's scary. Those of us who have parents with dementia are terrified when we start forgetting tings. Your concern is valid. It's bleak out there and there are no guarantees.

The best thing I can think of is to have good doctors. I mean, not just adequate, but blow-you-away good doctors. Then get that good doctor to agree to still follow you if you're in a nursing home. Become familar with different homes before the need arises and choose one with a high staff to patient ratio and good ratings and activities. Pray that before needing long term care, you die of something else.

I see many people who have no family or any close friends. I educate on planning ahead. You can complete an advance directive/living will, you can include any special instructions regarding the kind of medical care you want when you become unable to communicate your wishes. You can make plans regarding financial matters such as electronic bill payments through your bank. If you qualify for legal aid, they may be able to assist you in making those final arrangements, if you have more income you can find a local attorney that can assist you in these plans. If you have good neighbors, as you age you can check in on each other even if it's only by phone. I believe we each have the right to choose our life path which includes dying with dignity.

Kid: I don't have an answer to your question, but from reading your posts it sounds like you have been through a lot in the past few years and you have little time and resources to take care of yourself at the present time.
Is it possible for you to take some time off during the week so that you can indulge in a hobby or join a group for an activity you enjoy? This may sound very futile to you, and obviously this is not going to solve the specific problem of your future care, but sometimes it does not take much to get a different outlook on things. Maybe a local church could relieve you to sit with your mom?

I too worry about this, I have no kids and my sis is older than I am. My family is cursed with longevity, my grandmother lived past 90, her sister lived to 102 and my mom is the energizer bunny at 95. I have one nephew who might act as a POA, but he does not live locally and I am certain he would not be a hands on caregiver, and besides if I live into my nineties or god forbid beyond he will also be a senior citizen.
I know of wealthy individuals who have run out of both money and family and had no one to advocate for them as their health declined. The public guardian may have looked after their assets, but their physical and mental well-being was not really addressed. It is a scary thought.
The golden girls lifestyle sounds good, but as NJCinderella points out, you might have trouble finding others to join up. And besides, those women were relatively young and in good health. It is getting ancient and ill that I fear and see no way to prepare for. We just have to trust that karma really does come back around and we will be rewarded for all the caring we have done.

I don't have children either but wouldn't expect them to take care of me if I did. I worked all my life, put myself through college and had a good career So I bought long term care back when it was affordable. I have in home care and when the time comes, I have assisted and nursing home care included. Not so sure befriending younger people is a plan to count on. Even if assisted suicide is not legal..it can always be done..

No one checks on me either---ever, except my 84 yr old father call to make sure I got home from work (or didn't go in) due to a storm and I do the same with them after a storm to make sure they are ok if they haven't beaten me to it.

As far as neighbors, I had shoulder surgery and my car sat in my assigned spot and never moved for about 3 weeks. Not one person came to see if I was living or dead lol What solved that was when I got a dog. This was a dog community and when I got a dog, I was finally accepted and met neighbors, got invited to lunch at their homes etc. Really? Took that? After that, I met 2 neighbors who were also single and near retirement so we exchanged numbers and promised to check up on one another.

Unfortunately, I had to move out of the area and now I'm back to square one again and after 8 months of living here, I still don't know a soul. Maybe I should get another dog lol

Bottom line is we all have to consider what will happen if we have no one around to care about us. I might consider the Golden Girls style living arrangement but you have to have compatible personalities and at that age we are all pretty much set in our ways.

Don't have an answer to this but would like to follow. Will write something later. Thanks!

I'm a Christian and I think Jesus understands suffering and knows we mere mortals cannot handle it, so having a bigger dose of morphine or other commonly used hospice drugs is aOk. Several relatives suffered immensely and I know they had expressed they didn't want to be lying there for months in a bed, in diapers, unable to feed themselves. ....and that's exactly what happened. Its not fair to those people who would like to hasten their own death, to tell them No you can't have some comfort in hastening your demise. It doesn't mean that those who do want to linger for months, in such a state, will be forced to choose a hastier retreat. I'm conflicted on the sudden advance demise, but for surely, if someone is already getting drugs, if they wanted a hasty demise, crank it up. They should have this info in chart just as DNR is there, maybe call it DNPS (do not prolong suffering).

northglor, Assisted suicide goes against all religious and legal statutes. Certainly you don't want to offend God. By the same token, are we interfering with God's will by artificially extending life with pacemakers, feeding tubes, respirators and oxygen tanks? What are the repercussions for that?

i asked this once too, bemoaning that no one in my family was some one I would really trust - and one answer is you can ask financial service person (e.g. financial advisor or estate planner) as well as an attorney, or even a social service person that you know and trust to do it for you. There are not always really great answers if you don't have strong family ties; state agency people end up in charge at times, and that can be good, bad, or indifferent.

You are right that home care is still kind of institutionally biased - if you need 24 x 7, they expect facility placement to be the answer, and it may cost a little less though it may also be a lot less satisfactory.

Wish it was easier. An we can always hope we will be in the group that never actually needs guardianship, but it is certainly best to plan for the possibility.

Oh and by the way, if you are a Christian, please don't commit assisted suicide.....my only hope is that I will one day be reunited with my deceased husband, friends, relatives and the Lord. Who would want to take a chance and take your life when this much could be at stake?

Your question has occurred to me also as I am thinking ...here i am taking good care of my elderly mother with Dementia....but doing this alone....as my brother and his wife don't feel any responsibility towards her care and they and their kids have cut me out of their lives completely. Additionally my son has already told me I can't live with him when I am old, so that leaves me in a similar situation as you feel you are in. The good advice about volunteering is good since it is forming a bond with others who will reciprocate when you need help. But if you are caring for an elderly parent right now, it can be very challenging to get out there and volunteer or work, etc. Caregiving is like being a shut in unless like one post suggested you have save a great deal of money over the years and you can write your own ticket to what happens to you. It would be horrid to die in the house or apartment alone and nobody knows until they have figured out that they haven't seen you in several months. I agree it can feel hopeless when there are no children, relatives, or finances to help you when you can no longer help yourself. I agree with the other posters that you must force yourself to get out there now while there is still time and bond with some people. God bless you.

Kid: Please don't be afraid. This is a cold, cruel world and none of us may be the exception to it's abuses.
I am in the same boat but with a different perspective. I believe our best bet is to sign a DNR and have a friend / attorney enforce it so as not to prolong our suffering. There are patient advocates/social workers in the Hospitals but they are paid by the same Hospitals who make money on our surviving, regardless of the quality of life.
Pray much & trust your God to send the right people your way.
Best wishes.

Well these are all certainly interesting replies but I guess I was not specific enough with my question. What I was not referencing was having a "social" network, social friends do not make medical decisions. I can not see a BFF taking on the role of medical POA. And as to an attorney, well they cost money and that's assuming that they would even be around to make day to day decisions concerning whether medical needs are being met and there is no neglect occurring.
@fregflyer- I have first hand knowledge of and witness of the neglect that occurs in NH's which is something that I will never forget because I saw it with my own two eyes and this occurred in several separate facilities that were supposed to be well managed. With the exception of my mom (she now lives with me because of the NH abuse), I have had two additional extended family and a senior lady that I once cared for ALL pass away because of neglected medical issues that were not addressed in time for them to make a recovery.
@litldogtoo - Medicaid will pay for at home attendant care but they are the first to tell you they DO NOT pay for 24hr care because they assume that the family is providing family care as well. I know this first hand because this is my situation now as I care for my elderly mom of which I brought into my home 8 1/2 years ago. I am her paid attendant. However Medicaid pays so very little for this service, just a little over minimum wage and they determine based on medical condition how many hours they will pay for care, which is not enough! And because they pay so very little it is all but nearly impossible to find additional caregiver help because private pay is so much higher, finding an attendant to work for their wage is a huge obstacle. I am doing 24/7 care now for the past 3 months and trying to find part-time attendant care to help me and so far out of the 100+ resumes for caregivers that I have contacted, NONE have been interested in working for the wage that Medicaid pays.
But I have digressed. I am thinking about my future care and wondering since I am the youngest of my remaining family and assuming that I outlive them, who can I get to act as my medical/personal patient advocate when there is no family left to survive me?

Litdogtoo, my sig other is my same age and I am still trying to explain to him what LOL means, he doesn't quite get it :P

Being alone and old has always scared me..... So I save for retirement....bottom line, the more money, the more options. I have heards of some young elders sharing a house for company and to share expenses....Golden Girls style.....I want to be Blanche. ;-)

@Freq flyer - hey, you're not old if you know what BFF means then have to explain it in parenthesis in case others do not :)

@Brenda Lynn -NOBODY is 43! :)

@pamstegman: Is that Nurse Cratched in the photo?

@fre flyer - read my new discussion post. I'm beginning to think the only option is the nursing home or whatever fancy new name they have for it. 'Assisted Living" is quite frankly, only for the wealthy among us. In FL, it's $5500 per month, self pay.

Some people will pay (and this is a low ball figure) anywhere from $250,000 entry fee to get into the apartments where you can live normally with the guarantee you'll be able to graduate to assisted living and/or nursing home care. Now the apartments are anywhere from $1500 upwards for the fees which of course include your food, and whatever else.

That is expensive for the average Joe Schmoe.

Medicaid (at least this is what I've been told) will only pay for nursing home care. Now I 'thought' the consultant told me after sixty days she may be able to be moved in 'assisted living' but doctor told me today that wasn't true. So, I'm getting one story from consultant, one story from lawyer, and one story from doctor, who made me feel really bad when she called today and told me that I should take my mother home because she won't be able to walk at the nursing home because of fall risks and risks of lawsuits and that is why her legs are swollen (again, see my discussion topic). She will be able to what I call 'wheelchair walk' to activities, etc., but not 'walk' walk.

The way I see it there are two options here: one, take her home and allow her to fall (since she's such a fall risk) or two: allow my mother to stay in the NH and risk the stroke factor because she's sitting all day.

Makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. And I'm sure at some point the nursing home will see this and find a way to deal with it. As of now, I'm stuck in a catch 22.

Oh thanks, Pam, I now just realized I am the oldest person on my street :P

I have a feeling my neighbors don't consider me "elderly", well that's a plus :)

Hi there, you are thinking of the Death with Dignity Act (If you go to Death with Dignity . org there is a lot of info). Vermont is also one of the states along with Washington and Oregon. You have to be a resident of the state, but not for any set length of time. It does not include old age, and you have to be given the diagnosis that you have 6 months or less to live. There was another person on here speaking of the MedCure body donation site (I can't remember who it was, but I want to thank them for passing that information along, my husband and I are seriously considering it). Plus it is free, all the paperwork can be printed out online. I do agree with the above post about not believing all the stories you hear about "homes". My mother is in a wonderful place 1 mile from my home. I've met everyone, on every shift. They have tons of activities going on daily, they are clean and very caring. I've already told my daughters to never have any guilt about it, if they have to put me somewhere. I did prepay my mothers funeral. There are steps you can take now to make things easier if you still have retirement or savings to pull from. I agree with Pam regarding the "neighbors". I'm not considered a boomer (I'm 43), but I don't know my neighbors. I may have to actually get to know them. We moved in the summer of 2013, and my mother was still living with us then. While taking care of her, I didn't realize how home bound I had become. I'm a senior in college and always have my nose in a book (I'm supposed to be working on my Capstone right now, and had to take a break). I wish you well, and I don't think any of us can predict what will happen. I agree with putting yourself out there, meet people, join groups, etc. We are all here for you if you have any questions and I'm sure we will help you as much as we can to steer you in the right direction.