My mom is an abusive alcoholic who has lived with me since my dad committed suicide about 10 years ago. We co own a house together which was a mistake. I am 48 have had very little of a life just took care of my parents. I’ve had medical issues and several mental breakdowns in the last 10 years that my mother has drank her way through. She is a liar who is very manipulative. She’ll have about 2,500 a month social security and maybe 75k from the sale of the house if that. I want to find her a nice place to go. I know I should have never agreed to live with her but she lost the house my parents lived in with bad financial decisions and showed up in Maryland from California one night calling me from the airport to pick her up. Left everything in the house and I had to take care of it. People keep telling me “but she’s your mom”. She was a bad mother. I don’t want to be unfair to her. I just can’t take this situation anymore. Most of the retirement communities are too expensive. Contacted place for mom and the came back to me with a studio for 4k a month. She doesn’t have that. Thank you.

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MJean, nothing really to add but that I’m rooting for you to escape this situation. You’ve been through a lot. The “but she’s your mom” folks are obviously hopelessly clueless.

Keep us updated if you can. There are a lot of people on this forum who are in similar situations. We learn from each other, for sure.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to SnoopyLove
Oedgar23 Jun 2, 2024
So accurate about the “but she’s your mom” people.
Ten years of Mom is not good. Nice places aren't cheap, unless she goes to Nevada. Lots of new, posh Assisted Living senior communities have been built near Las Vegas (near Henderson), with lots of amenities. Running $1400-$2200 a month. She'd probably be interested in that. I know I am!

Your options are limited. I would seriously close out the jointly owned home mistake completely. You could refinance the house and buy her out? Then she needs to find a new place. Or sell it outright, and divide the profit, so you both can get new places. You are being totally fair to want your damn life back after this 10 year rut. She forced herself on you to be rescued, so time to force her out on her own. Obviously no other relatives or siblings around?

I wouldn't trust her and would see an estate lawyer first, especially since she's manipulative. Mom needs to know that if she blows it again with the house proceeds, your aren't her recovery plan again. Cut the ties. Make sure the profit and capital gains taxes involved are divided fairly.

My Mom was an alcoholic and it was torture. The idiots who say "but she's your Mom" should be ignored. Or told to shove it. But that's me.

Mom has a nice income for her age, trust me. You should plan a getaway to Vegas and arrange to meet with a realtor or representative to tour some of these new places. Hopefully you can separate without a fight!! I also heard Idaho is less expensive for senior places. Once she left California, she will never get back due to high cost of living.

Start the hunt for affordable senior communities!! Her moving hours away is even smarter. Stay strong and don't allow yourself to be stuck with her again! You already sacrificed 10 years you can't get back.
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Reply to Dawn88

Your mother will likely have to apply for Medicaid.
Your mother can enter care but should enter a place that, after she spends down her assets, will help her to apply for Medicaid which will supplement her own SS to provide her with care. The important thing is, that no matter what facility or Board and Care you choose, it should be one that will accept Medicaid when her assets run out. That is somewhat rare for, as you put it, a nice facility.

Your home, which is jointly owned by you and your mother will not have to be sold, tho may be a problem after mom is deceased when Medicaid will hope to recover funds from its sale.

I would consult an elder law attorney to see what your options are. That will start the spenddown on those assets Mom saved right there, and will let you and your mom know what options she has ongoing.

You say you are not working and have had some mental issues of your own, and that you are currently caregiving? Might I ask what plans you have for getting work once Mom is placed? Because all of her assets will be going directly to her care.

I sure do wish you the best.
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Reply to AlvaDeer

I am so sorry you have gone through so much. My father disowned me for 10 years when he remarried a woman half his age told him to and then she took all his money, left him in a retirement community and called me and my half-sister who was also estranged. Half-sis took conservatership to try to find any possilbe money, proceeded to try to sue the ex-wife for money, started accusing me of knowing more than I did and hiding assets and I walked away from the situation. The state put my dad in a nursing home and that was it. He died after a few years. I visited him a few times. I don't feel guilty. It was sad to see him so messed up but he was not my responsibilty and he made his bed.

Now my mom is needing help too. She has some money and I am trying to help but will not ruin my life for her. She never helped me once I hit puberty she sent me to boarding school and was always hateful and mean. Huge narcissist. I spent a year taking care of her in my 20s when she was hit by a car. I've spent practically 30 years helping her in ways she would never have done for me. When her money runs out, she will get what the state offers.

Sorry, I wish I knew of a better answer, some resources that could help, etc. Hopefully someone here has good advice for you. I would love to know as well. But regardless, your life has as much value as hers (more really, in my opinion) and I hope you can give yourself permission to do what you need to take care of you.
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Reply to shirenagel

Rather than focusing on 'Where can Mom go? as the first thing, can I clarify the situation.

You have lived together with your Mom for 10 years. Own a house together.

You want to sell up, buy a new place for yourself - live separately going forward.

Please correct me if wrong so far.

Selling a house & finding a new one is hard work.

Who can help you?

* Do you have a Realtor you trust?
* Have (or able to find) a Financial Coucelling Service?

Get an accurate estimate of what your home could sell for to start. Your budget will outline what real options you have for your next home.
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Reply to Beatty
Beatty Jun 2, 2024
PS "People keep telling me “but she’s your mom”.

My answer to that is always the same. I answer literally:
"Yes. I know who she is".

The invisable implied end to "but she's your Mom" statement is...

You have to do everything for her?
You have to make her happy?
Wipe her butt as she wiped hers?

If anyone wants to SAY outloud their thoughts on "but she's your Mom - so YOU HAVE TO......"

Then I can have frank discussion. On obligations, society views etc. Or shut it down. Whichever.
I would talk to a social worker. Tell them you aren't her caregiver, that she showed up unannounced and foisted herself upon you. Then consider going to AA meetings so that you can find and defend clear boundaries with her and this situation.

What health/medical/cognitive issues does she have? If she's a candidate for LTC then Medicaid covers that if she qualifies financially (and sounds like she does).
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Geaton777

Im No expert here but I would seek legal advice
They can prob advise what can be arranged for your mum And how you get your money to lead your own life

people don’t realise the impact of looking after someone and then added to that someone with issues! Dont feel guilty or feel the need to justify yourself

I’m sure legal will know best option for your mother

good luck
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Reply to Jenny10

Look for board-and-care homes, but don't be surprised if they won't accept an alcoholic. I'm really sorry you're in this situation, and I admire you for finally trying to find a way out. I hope you do.
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Reply to Fawnby

Assisted living is for the wealthy who put plenty away for paying the high monthly costs. Your mom won't fit into that group with 2500 a month. Her options are going to be an apartment of her own if she can live alone. Maybe a private home that takes in elderly if her needs can be met - kind of like renting a room, but comes with room and board. Very likely that would cost everything she has coming in, although some of these private homes are much cheaper than facility care.

Other than that, facility care in Nursing Home setting is going to be her only option. If her income is not enough to pay for NH, she can apply for Medicaid to cover the difference. She will have to spend down her bank account to a minimum amount (usually no more than $2000 in the bank in most states). You might check out NH near you and see if you can find one with a homey feel to it. As long as she is able to get around and speak out when she needs help, she could be happy in that setting. Around others, activities that are planned, etc. If she's pretty much tied to a chair or bed, you will need to check on her very, very often to be sure she's taken care of. Very common to sedate folks, slap a diaper on them and let them lay in pee/poop for long periods of time. Be warned that the grand tour you get is usually not the day to day living for folks who are at the mercy of others to care for them.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to my2cents

You really need a change. You need to end the living arrangement with your mother for your own well-being. It is not unfair to her.

You don't say whether she can live independently, or if she has medical needs or needs help with activities of daily living - like cooking, bathing, toileting, dressing, shopping, housework, etc.

If she can live independently, find her a nice apartment rental - it doesn't need to be in an expensive assisted living. If she will allow you to help her by taking charge of her SS income to pay rent and utility bills, giving her the remainder to spend, that would be the easiest option. You may need to get POA to make decisions with her finances and her medical decisions.

You mention selling the house, but I agree with AlvaDeer; with the proceeds from selling the house, along with her income, she likely will not qualify for Medicaid, which could help pay for her care. But it won't pay for an Assisted Living Apartment.
Can you hang on to the house without selling?
You could either:
- Stay in the house on your own, and help mom rent an apartment on her own.
- Let mom stay in the house, and You go find an apartment on your own.
- Both of you move out independently and rent out the house.

I mention Medicaid because if your mother does require some sort of care or assistance, although Medicaid will not pay for Assisted Living, they will pay
(if she qualifies) for a Skilled Nursing Facility, if it is medically necessary and she can not live on her own. She would hate that! I suspect she would not be very comfortable in that environment, especially if she relies on alcohol.

Medicaid can help to pay for an aide to come to her home, if that is more appropriate. A social worker will do an assessment (or get a medical assessment) and determine what kind of help she needs to live at home on her own. Make it clear that you are unable to take care of her!

If you do end up selling the house, (or buying her out), she can use the proceeds and her SS income to pay for a modest apartment, or Assisted Living.
Shop around, don't rely on a referral service. Even at $4000 a month, which is all inclusive, her money should last at least a couple of years. When she exhausts all of her funds, then she can apply for help from Medicaid and go to a skilled nursing facility to live out the rest of her life.

Remember, it is not your responsibility if she mismanages her money and leaves herself with nothing! I know you care, but you can not control another person's behavior or choices. Assuming she isn't suffering from dementia.

Going back, and re-reading what I've already suggested, I want to make another point: If, in the scenario where you don't sell the house, you continue to live in the house, (or rent it out) and find an apartment for mom, you may consider helping her out financially, if she can't afford it on her own. When she dies, what happens to her share of the house? Does it go to you? If so, you will benefit from having 100 % of the assets, so it may be worth giving her a little bit right now. Think of it like buying her out, on a monthly payment plan. But, if you were to truly buy her out, or sell the house, she will not qualify for assistance, and will have to live on that money.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to CaringWifeAZ

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