When the end comes how do you handle an estranged sibling?

I agree with JoAnn29. Tell her. Take the high road. You are a better person than her. If she shows up still be a better person but protect yourself. If she could steal then she could become violent.

Lines need to be set with some people. I would not invite your sister. I would not invite anyone who would tell your sister. I know that might seem hard, but you need to set boundaries.

While I think it's important to forgive people for their past actions, it's also important to protect yourself.

I excluded my husband's family in the obituary because they did not call or visit . I had a private service to handle that too. My husband wanted his family and they did not seem to care.

For So Many Years, I blamed my husband's siblings for making things so messed up, when in fact (in this situation) it was the parents, who favored one child over another, [ "pitted siblings against one another, bought off, bribed, threatened, changed their Wills, cutting one or the other out, only to reinstate them, lied and manipulated this family, that there is no way that this family (even now that both parents are dead) can ever be put back together again." ]

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Micalost:
 
I agree with the above statement from another poster in this thread

Typically, when a family is fractured, it is due to the parents, not being very good parents.   Good parents find a way to keep their family close.  Dysfunctional parents sometimes take glee in causing a fracture.

Therefore I agree with Joann29. Take the high road and include your sibling in the funeral.

Also, if you do not, you may open yourself to a lawsuit for intentional infliction of emotional distress, due to not alerting the sibling of the parents passing.

Also a possible will contest. If there is a will contest, the judge will not look kindly on the fact that you did not inform the sibling of the parent's death.

It may also destroy your credibility regarding any claims of theft by your sibling.

The bottom line, is that you do not really know how your parents treated your sibling. Perhaps they were abusive.  Perhaps they actually gave her the money, then later claimed she took it.

There are a lot of dysfunctional people out there.  You be the sane one, and inform your sibling of your mother's passing.  Your karma will reflect your kindness.  Do not become like your parents.

My SIL had been estranged from her siblings for several years and refused to visit her father when he was in a SNF telling her sons they were not allowed and that we were keeping them from seeing their Papa. When my FIL passed one of the sisters called to tell her and let her know the arrangements. She did not show up for the wake and when she did show up for the services she came in screaming that no one was allowed to speak with her or her teenage (17 & 19) sons. One of the neighbors attempted to speak with her after the graveside services and she hauled off and hit her. Seven years later their brother passes, they were the closest in age and grew up like twins. Her sons are still at home, now 24 & 26 so we notified them. They came to both the wake and funeral and were grateful to spend time with their only cousins, their mother thankfully stayed away. It’s sad that a family that was once so close has been torn apart this way. There was once six of them and now at the Holiday we are left with my husband and the two younger sisters, having lost the other two brothers. Her youngest son hopes that someday we can all celebrate Christmas together but she’s put too large a wedge in any relationship for that to ever be possible.

My niece stopped talking to her father and then the rest of his family, including her grandparents (my in-laws), aunts, uncles and cousins. At this point I think it would be very awkward if she did come to any funerals, and I don't even know who would tell her. She moved out of state. I'd be surprised if we ever see her again. The only thing she didn't do is unfriend some of us on Facebook, but we don't see her posts. I didn't think about any Wills or inheritance until reading this thread, but I imagine the grandparents would just leave money to their son, and not his daughter.

I am dreading going to my mother's funeral when the time comes. My sister will be in charge as usual, and will make it into a social occasion centered around herself. I didn't even see her at our father's funeral...she was off with all her work friends having a wonderful time at the after-funeral reception gathering. I am estranged from her as of about 10 years ago - just after my father's funeral as a matter of fact. So I will be staying as far away from her as I can at my mom's funeral. My kids refuse to go, so it will be just me and (maybe) my husband. My daughter used to be the closest grandchild to my parents, but my sister drove a big wedge into that and split the family wide open. So my daughter says she has already mourned losing her grandmother, or at least the grandmother she thought she had.

Great question! My sister has been estranged from our family for many, many years. When my dad was hospitalized - and subsequently died - in 1999, I decided that if he mentioned my sister at all, I would hire a detective to track her down and update her. Although he mentioned other relatives in his delirium, he never mentioned her. So I did nothing. My mother is still alive at 91. I am going to follow the same rule. If the person dying doesn't care about the person being there, why should you? Peace and no guilt!

Micalost:

Take the high road and notify all siblings, estranged or otherwise.

Please do not behave in the dysfunctional way some families behave.

Notifying these people is the right thing to do. It does not matter what they did and you do not know how the parent treated them in life. Perhaps they have cause to be estranged.

In the end, it only matters what YOU do.

No responsible, loving, functional parent would want their child excluded from anything...., the funeral or an inheritance. Doing so is the domain of dysfunctional people.

Some highly functional families will even set up a trust for a drug addicted child. That is what a loving responsible parent would do.

Yes, despite what some here have said.....You will open yourself to a lawsuit of intentional infliction of emotional distress, by failing to notify.

If the estranged family member seeks counseling for not being notified, they may win their case by PROVING emotional distress was caused.

Whether or not they win the lawsuit, you will still need to spend money to defend yourself.

Also for those who advised withholding an inheritance check. ....be aware that this will be an illegal action in several ways.

An executor must provide a will to all who receive an inheritance and disperse the funds as per the will.

If not they are breaking the law. Look it up.