My mother is finally in the nursing home. After so many months of working toward this it came in a single phone call. With so many thoughts of getting my life back, the moment of wheeling her up to the dining room table at the home and walking away it felt like my heart actually shrank. Nothing like a life filled with guilt. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. Experience of a life poorly lived.
That being said, I am faced with the next hurtle. The question of when to visit. My mom became over attached to me when the dementia increased. If I stepped out of the room she would start yelling and banging on her side table within minutes. 90% of the time she had no actual reason or need. She just wanted me in the room at all times. Now that she is in the home I don't know when my first visit should be. If I go too soon she may think she's coming home. I'd have to explain it all over again and double down on the guilt. Not soon enough and she could feel abandoned.
((To those who have read my previous post. I do not hate my mother. I hate what has happened to her. I hate the dementia that takes over her body and turns two people into screaming lunatics. She can't be held responsible for her actions. I will be held responsible for mine.))