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Once again the nursing home has become a possibility. I don’t look forward to it or dread it. It is something that will simply happen or it will not. I just wonder what it will feel like if it were to happen. I am too numb at the moment to wrap my head around the magnitude of it. What will it be like to walk away from that place knowing I’m going home to a place she will never see again. The house she helped build with her own hand isn’t her home anymore.

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It was my Mom and my husband the problem but then he was with the girls too. First time was the day Mom went to Daycare for the first time. Normally the DC picks up and drops off. For the first time we took her. There was a big room with tables they did activities and ate lunch. One of the aides took Mom to introduce her to the other people. This was our hint to leave. I was to the front door when I realized husband was still in the room making sure Mom was OK. I told him you leave just like you were suppose to with the girls. It makes it worse when u hang around. I had to kind of harden myself when it came to Mom or I would be in tears and feeling guilty all the time. Taking her to the home after DC and a short stay at AL helped me get ready for LTC. As soon as I saw the Home I knew Mom was in a good place. The staff loved her and took better care of her than the AL. You have to tell yourself they are safe, clean, fed and cared for.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Gremlin,

My Mom’s Dr had been saying she needed to be in a NH for 18 months. But she refused to cooperate.

There were a series of events that led to her being admitted for rehab then she transitioned to a resident there.

The day I drove Mom from the hospital across the street to the NH I was in shock. The Dr, staff convinced Mom to go to rehab. It all happened so fast. I didn’t know what was happening until I got there to pick her up to take her home, I thought.

I thought the day we got her to agree to go to a NH I would be relieved and I was, mixed with shock and numbness.

I got Mom settled in. It was all a little uncomfortable. It was late afternoon. That evening when it was time for me to leave I had a little meltdown after I left Moms room. The administrator saw me leaving in tears. She pulled me into her office. We talked. We cried.

Honestly, leaving that night was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But, it was best for everyone, especially my Mom.

Relief came a few days later when the staff became acquainted with Mom and found her shenanigans, attitude, spunk, amusing.

Mom was well taken care of and much safer than she was in her home.
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Reply to lizzywho61
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I worked with the case discharge manager in the hospital, the social worker, the doctor in the hospital that did the capacity evaluation.
I was able to have my Dad transferred to a skilled nursing home that accepted Medicaid pending.
It gave us time to apply for guardianship of person.
How did seven of us adult children feel about it?

Relief. Relief. Relief.

Finally someone observed what we had for years.
And after about 4 weeks of being sly and cunning, angry and delusional, Dad has adapted. He is not always happy, but he is no longer threatening, or super angry all the time.
He has gained 15 pounds since April. He is stable and seems healthier than he has for years.
All of us siblings are able to actually breathe deeply again.
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Reply to PrairieLake
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Gremlin; I totally agree with you. If your Uncle knows it all, please get that U-Haul and leave. Especially if no one is listening to your telling them that they NEED an Elder Care attorney.

You can't fix this. It sounds like they "know" what they want to know.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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We had to put our folks into a memory care facility and it was rough, but they couldn’t live alone in their home as it was unsafe. We brought them there after we set up their room with things from their home to make it seem familiar to them. We played it up that they will be waited on for meals and they’d have a housekeeper and a maid to do their laundry etc. We stayed with them through dinner and told them we would see them soon and went back the next day to visit. Both were scared and confused and wanted to “ go home” or come and live with me in my house. It was heart breaking because neither of those things were options anymore. It was suggested that we stay away for a week to allow the folks to settle in and just call them during that week to let them know they were not abandoned. Again, it was difficult for them and we were doubting we did the right thing. After that week, I started visiting daily and I thought it would never get better and it was torture for them and for me. It was constant negativity and begging to go home and lots of them crying while trying to redirect them. Anyway, it took a good 6 months for them to accept it and be sort of ok. It’s still difficult, but for the most part, days and visits are pleasant with only a little complaining. Our family knows the folks are safe, fed, get their meds and have some sort of social stimulation. I visit several times a week and other family members who live out of state, fly in to visit them about twice a month. Since the folks and I live in Las Vegas, it’s not that hard to get family to come in to visit when they come here to do the Vegas thing. Whatever deceision your family makes will be the right one for you. There really isn’t a great answer just a choice between options. Hugs to all who have yet to cross this path.
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Reply to Alzh101
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My Mother is now in Memory care. It has been 3 1/2 weeks. I had her sent there forom the hospital after a fall. She did not break anything but while in the hospital, they could see the Alzheimer's. I have cared for her while she lived in her own home for 6 1/2 years since my Daddy died. It has been tough. She started to wander at night to the neighbors almost every night. She was trying to go home to her mother. She is 84 1/2. I have the F.O.G. fear obligation and guilt. The memory care is taking such good if her she looks better. I think this is the hardest on me. I'm sorry we all have such a time. I know in my heart that she is better there.
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Reply to BootShopGirl
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Gremlin, your post brought tears to my eyes. As I write this we are facing the same dilemma. My mother, 97, has been living with my brother and SIL for three 1/2 years, and they are burned out. It's a job for my SIL, as POA I authorized a payment that covers their mortgage and lost wages when she quit her job. My husband and I cannot be fulltime caregivers, but we help out by taking her two or three days a week without monetary compensation. Mom has no idea we're considering the move. She keeps saying how lucky she is to have us, and it breaks my heart to think about placing her in a senior home. She's not social and is afraid to be on her own in an assisted living apartment. The other problem is her health, mobility, and state of mind change radically from whatever medicine or ailment (UTI) that hits her at any given time. So I don't even know at what level to start looking. I know it's inevitable. I feel your pain.
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Reply to sudalu
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My mother went initially for the purpose of rehab after hip surgery. She never regained the ability to walk and her vascular dementia became worse. Her house was not a safe place to return. Her husband was disabled in a wheelchair and not mentally with it. When she was admitted full time, I felt relieved that she would then be safe and cared for.
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Reply to cmagnum
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Hi, Gremlin. I know from reading your posts that you are very stressed about all this. With my own mom, it was a little easier since immediately before she was placed, she went out-of-control with a UTI. It was very clear to me she could no longer live alone. Like me, you are looking out for her safety and well-being. It’s very sad and upsetting, but it’s something that must be done if and when it becomes necessary. Even if you do place her, you won’t be sure it’s the right thing, but after she’s there for a while, you will realize you did the best you could for her and you’ll be ok with it. I was. Truthfully, my mom wasn’t happy anywhere. She complained about every place she ever lived. But when she moved, she’d look back on the previous place with fondness and wistfulness.. it was just her. When I placed her in the NH I knew she’d hate it, but for my own sanity, it was where she needed to be. Trust yourself.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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Good Morning Gremlin
im about to do the same thing this coming week. Except I have to have my Mom picked for evaluation by the authorities because she doesn’t think she needs help. My heart is torn apart but I know I have to work and cannot deal with her doing all the things she does. Calling the law on her apartment manager 3 times now, taking blood pressure medicine like candy, and a lot more.
But still losing sleep due to guilt that she doesn’t know it is going to happen. I’m supposed to start a new job tomorrow and am terrified at losing it due to this. Guess I’ll go to work and try to concentrate on what I’m doing till I get the call.
i feel for you as I am so tearful at this happening.
Lets try to give each other support in knowing this is the right thing to do.
God bless and keep you in his arms.
Tricia
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Reply to Trisha1958
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Gremlin Sep 3, 2018
According to my mom's brother there may be a visit tomorrow. After being told "she will get right in with just her SS" and "if all goes well sis (my mother) will be admitted tomorrow" in the past just to have it fall apart I can't let myself believe it. If this starts to blow back on me again I may snap. If they can do the job so much better I will damned well let them. I'll slap my hands together like a Vegas dealer and say "You got this. The decisions are now yours. Be kind to her, she didn't deserve this. I'm out!" and head for the closest U-Haul.

There will be guilt but it won't be for placing her they. It will be for not doing this better . . . for not seeing this coming and preparing better . . . for not knowing what to do and how to do it.

Thank you and good luck.
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