My LO is ambulatory and she enjoys going out to eat and riding in the car. Her “loop” of the same questions mostly disappears when we are out. I think the visual stimulation is very good for her.

The problem comes when I take her back to her room. Then all the same 8 or so questions begin and she can easily go for 1 hour (or however long I’ll stay). I have signs up and prompt cards which help - but she prefers to get the info from me. The longer I stay, it seems the more upset she gets with herself. She says she wants to go over it with me so it will help her get the info in her head. It seems cruel to leave but almost more cruel to stay. Sometimes I’ll text my sister and tell her to call my LO so I can extricate myself.

Thoughts anyone?

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As soon as her agitation starts, give her a hug, say

“I love you Dear (______), and I have to go to (_____) right now, but I’ll be back (tomorrow, soon). It’s almost time for (supper, recreation time, a movie, your nap). Hope you enjoy it”.

And then LEAVE. Her caregivers are familiar with her behavior, and will deal with it after you leave. Don’t turn around or come back or respond to what she says.

This was the toughest part of placing my LO, and this approach DID work.
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to AnnReid

My Moms common area was just as you walked into the facility so easy to "leave her off" because there was already people there. You do with Mom the same thing u do with a child ur living off the first time to kindergarten. You hug her, kiss her on the cheek, say see u later and leave.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to JoAnn29

I found it best to just leave, I dropped my step-mother off, said goodbye and left.

The event was over, we did lunch and took a ride, I left on a positive note, she merged back into her life.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to MeDolly

Could she be picking up on your ambivalence about leaving? I like the idea of enlisting the facility's help and making the goodbye short and sweet. I think it's easier on her emotionally not to draw it out.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to iameli

I time my visits before lunch so it’s a short pleasant goodbye and then she’s got a meal to distract her. Goodbyes right before an activity work too.

Took me a few times to figure this one out!
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Madisoncuckoo7
Missymiss Jan 20, 2023
I do the sand when I'm able with my mom. Before a meal, and close enough timing to not overstay. She has friends she eats meals with, so a visit and then she's off with friends. If I'm there too long, she gets morose and starts complaining and asking to go back to her house, and there is no answer for either of those. Managing my time is easier and avoids the questions.
Your profile says your Mom is in AL. You can work with a staff member to meet you back in the lobby where you can say goodbye and she'll be taken back to her room. Or you can take her directly to some activity that is going in the facility at the time (this would require you to know their calendar) and then say goodbye while she's engaged in something else. With my MIL we ask what show she wants to watch on tv and set it up for her then give a quick goodbye. Distraction is the key.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Geaton777
Cover999 Jan 8, 2023
That's sad
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I think that you are correct in saying that you feel that you are adding to her confusion by staying longer.

I would lovingly tell her goodbye and that you will see her soon. She will adapt to her surroundings after you leave.

You can always call her facility after you get home if you need reassurance of how she is doing.

Best wishes to you and your family.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

I would always say "see you later alligator", so she could say back to me "after while crocodile". Then I'd give her a big hug, kiss her forehead, and leave with a big smile. Sometimes she'd ask if I was leaving her there. She'd ask because she didn't know where she was, so I'd get something of hers I knew she'd remember, like one of her stuffed animals for her to hold. It was always easier in the common room where other people were around to distract her.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to ArtistDaughter

Leave your mother at the AL without too much drama and agonizing. Her asking for repeated reassurance and answers is her way of preventing or delaying your leaving. Drop her off, give her a kiss, say "See you next week" (or whatever your time plan) and leave.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to RedVanAnnie

When you return sit her in the "Common Room" and get her involved with a game or other project that is going on. Take her coat and other belongings and bring them back to the room and then leave.
don't make a big deal about leaving just go. Harder on you than her.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Grandma1954

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