When and how to leave after a visit?

sparkielyle: Perhaps you'll have to make your outings with your mother shorter in duration since she suffers from dementia. You've done nothing wrong; the disease is at fault here and not you.

How about setting an alarm on your phone and telling her you have an appointment to go to.

Sparkie, my dad did the same thing. It was gut wrenching to say bye, love you, see you later and walk out the door when he was trying to engage me so I would stay.

It was the only way to not get sucked into the loop. He did learn that goodbye meant I was leaving now.

If you have had a great visit and a fun time there is no reason to feel bad that it's time to go.

Hugs, kiss, love you, had a great time today, rest well, see you soon. Bye as you walk out the door. It does get easier.

Routine is really important and she has driven the goodbye routine, time for it to be driven by you. You got this!

Take her for the ride, but not to eat. Time it that you arrive back at the facility just in time to walk her to her meal. Have the staff distract her if necessary, and slip away.

Set some boundaries, share them with LO and, leave as planned, usually shortly after return. Important thing is to have a predetermined boundary of times and don't get guilt tripped into not honoring them.

Go with sis calling. It probably helps her to transition from being with you.

Why not take pics of the signs you refer to and ask sis to review the info with her as you make your exit.

Dad is 93 with Alzheimer’s. I always try to time my visits to end at lunch or dinner time. Being served the meal distracts him. I get him all situated and when they start bringing food I tell him I have to go hime and walk my dog. Give him a big kiss on the forehead and hug and tell him I love him and he is ok. When I prolong it, he starts looking sad or upset.

The disease is what's cruel here, not anything else. Remember that when you're trying to blame yourself for doing something "wrong" or when you read ignorant comments from clueless people who want to guilt you for "putting" your LO in AL to begin with. She's safe and well cared for which is the goal with this dreadful condition of dementia.

Take AnnReids advice and drop your LO off after the outing and take off right away. Your goal is to minimize her anxiety and asking those loop-questions, at all costs. So figure out what it will take to achieve that goal, and you'll have your answer.

Remember that this situation is tough for you too, not just your LO. My mom lived in Memory Care for almost 3 years and I cried every time I visited her, afterward, when she didn't see me. Losing someone bit by bit is the hardest thing to witness, it's soul crushing. Dementia and Alzheimer's is known as The Long Goodbye for a good reason, as it's a gruesome journey that leaves all who travel it with scars. Be kind to yourself too. You are good to take her out on excursions she enjoys. My mom was wheelchair bound and got violently carsick. All of our visits had to be in the building and they all left me with a stomach ache. She passed on Feb 22, 2022 and today would've been her 96th birthday. Im happy she's at perfect peace now.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

Don’t linger or prolong the departure. It confuses her. Figure out an activity that will interest and distract her from you leaving her—be it the common area or timing for a meal, whatever will be easiest for you and most rewarding for her. A distinct break in activity will help keep things clear for her.

With my MIL there was always a group of old ladies watching the world go by. I would take her there, chat with them a bit, and leave when conversations were going. They hung out around the. Ruse’s station

What you are doing isn't working, and looks like it kind of creates the loop. It is, as you indicate, something with no good answer, but knowing THIS at least is not working it is time to change things up. Get her in with a more or less brisk manner, then say that you have to get back as you have to do _______________(whatever) at _____________(whatever time you wish to mention that is coming near.) Leave her with "I will give you a call " or "I will check in " this evening.
Sure wish you luck. Hope some other approach helps. Sometimes there is no real answer.

I time my visits before lunch so it’s a short pleasant goodbye and then she’s got a meal to distract her. Goodbyes right before an activity work too.

Took me a few times to figure this one out!

I started going to Moms AL at dinner time. Aides sat residents down and it was also their responsibikity to serve the food. They would sit Mom down and if no food in front of her she would get up and walk away. So they started leaving her in the common area and sitting her down when food was at her seat. So, I would come and sit with her until her food was ready. I would take her to her seat. Give her a kiss on the cheek and leave.

I would always say "see you later alligator", so she could say back to me "after while crocodile". Then I'd give her a big hug, kiss her forehead, and leave with a big smile. Sometimes she'd ask if I was leaving her there. She'd ask because she didn't know where she was, so I'd get something of hers I knew she'd remember, like one of her stuffed animals for her to hold. It was always easier in the common room where other people were around to distract her.

Could she be picking up on your ambivalence about leaving? I like the idea of enlisting the facility's help and making the goodbye short and sweet. I think it's easier on her emotionally not to draw it out.

When you return sit her in the "Common Room" and get her involved with a game or other project that is going on. Take her coat and other belongings and bring them back to the room and then leave.
don't make a big deal about leaving just go. Harder on you than her.

Leave your mother at the AL without too much drama and agonizing. Her asking for repeated reassurance and answers is her way of preventing or delaying your leaving. Drop her off, give her a kiss, say "See you next week" (or whatever your time plan) and leave.

I can be sad to leave your LO behind, but distraction upon graceful leaving is very helpful. It's just difficult to explain why LO, such as Mom, is at the facility in the first place.

I think that you are correct in saying that you feel that you are adding to her confusion by staying longer.

I would lovingly tell her goodbye and that you will see her soon. She will adapt to her surroundings after you leave.

You can always call her facility after you get home if you need reassurance of how she is doing.

Best wishes to you and your family.

My Moms common area was just as you walked into the facility so easy to "leave her off" because there was already people there. You do with Mom the same thing u do with a child ur living off the first time to kindergarten. You hug her, kiss her on the cheek, say see u later and leave.

Your profile says your Mom is in AL. You can work with a staff member to meet you back in the lobby where you can say goodbye and she'll be taken back to her room. Or you can take her directly to some activity that is going in the facility at the time (this would require you to know their calendar) and then say goodbye while she's engaged in something else. With my MIL we ask what show she wants to watch on tv and set it up for her then give a quick goodbye. Distraction is the key.

I found it best to just leave, I dropped my step-mother off, said goodbye and left.

The event was over, we did lunch and took a ride, I left on a positive note, she merged back into her life.

As soon as her agitation starts, give her a hug, say

“I love you Dear (______), and I have to go to (_____) right now, but I’ll be back (tomorrow, soon). It’s almost time for (supper, recreation time, a movie, your nap). Hope you enjoy it”.

And then LEAVE. Her caregivers are familiar with her behavior, and will deal with it after you leave. Don’t turn around or come back or respond to what she says.

This was the toughest part of placing my LO, and this approach DID work.