Separate yourself emotionally from mom. Treat calling her as a business practice. That means calling once or twice a week, leaving a nice message, and then letting it go. I have an unstable sibling, I call him about once a month, don’t stay on the phone long, and then I let it go. Otherwise the negativity invades my life. You’re going too often to a well that you know is dry. Get your water somewhere else
"You’re going too often to a well that you know is dry. Get your water somewhere else"
Great comment. Thank you.
You just summed why communication with some family members feels so unsatisfactory. I feel a little guilty reducing contact, like I should be able to give freely without wanting in return.
You have the power to take the best course open to you, which seems to be to let her do her own thing and not worry yourself about it.
But you also say it “puts a lot of unnecessary stress on my son and his wife”. What do they think about it? How do they intend to keep going with this? Would they see your ‘best course of action’ as appropriate to them too?
If your son is the golden boy, perhaps that is all mother needs to be happy. Perhaps if he stops doing what she wants, she may rethink how to get her own needs met. And remember, she may be one of those who can ‘turn on a dime’, which includes turning against your son.
You need to do for yourself and DH at this point. You could call APS and put her on their radar. Explain u worry about her but she keeps hanging up on u. With your DHs diagnosis you don't have the energy to deal with her.
I guess your son knows what you are going thru right now. Ask that he make you aware of any big changes. Because eventually she will not be able to live on her own.
You say your mother is 91, living alone with Alzheimers/dementia. That's a bad idea right there, and now she's not taking your phone calls, which means you have no idea how she's doing, if she's alive or dead, or lying on the floor in need of help?
Part of her behavior may be her trying to irritate you and push your buttons, the other part of it may be dementia related where she's unaware of what's going on entirely. You just don't know when dementia is at play and you're far away.
When my mother with dementia was alive & living in Memory Care AL, she too would hang up on me from time to time and/or not answer her phone. I knew, however, that she was okay b/c I could call over to the nurse or the caregiver to find out how she was doing and they could go to her room to check on her FOR me. You don't have that luxury.
I don't know what to tell you, except that I wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing my mother was living alone at home with dementia in another state and I couldn't get a hold of her.
Yes, she’s 91, lives alone, drives to the grocery store, doctors offices, and short errands. She repeats herself often, but is able to discuss current events and news worthy topics. I’m not sure if she has been diagnosed with anything. We tried to convince her to look at some assistant living places so she wouldn’t be alone, be she insists on staying in her house. She does not a nurse coming in for short periods. This puts a lot of unnecessary stress on my son and his wife.
I am uncertain about your question, and what you are really asking. Do you mean to say your Mom CAN answer the phone but doesn't wish to? Are you saying you believe your Mom needs checking on now, and due to her not answering you have fears regarding her safety? Why do you believe your Mom isn't answering? Have you spoken with your Mom about your inability to reach her by phone? When my brother fell ill the "phone thing" was my first clue that something was amiss. He claimed he had trouble with the phone and he had had Spectrum out to check it and that it checked out just fine. I would be talking with him on the phone and it would be sudden silence. As though he wasn't hearing me. Then he would hang up. It took me a while. At first it seemed that perhaps the phone was not repaired. Then I noticed some handwriting changes and I visited. Once there I was able to know things were "changing". Our own stories will mean little to you. Each situation is unique. You are currently "in a situation" that you will have to evaluate on your own. Hope you'll update us.
My mom can answer her phone, but doesn’t. She knows who is calling, but apparently she just does not want to be bothered. I called her yesterday and simply said “Happy Easter” on her voicemail and hung up. Other family members call me to tell me that she never returns their calls. We live in different states, so I can’t just stop by to check on her. This past winter I asked my mom why she keeps hanging up on me. I told her it was extremely rude, and that I was tired of it. She asked me why I keep calling knowing that she is going to hang up. I told her that I wouldn’t if she weren’t my mother. My mother stays in touch with my son, so that’s good enough. Bottom line is that you can’t make someone like you, even if it’s your mother.
Over the last year or so - momma and I are having difficulty having conversations to the point that she either hangs up on me or I hang up on her or we both hang up at the same time. She does not like assisted living and has complained since day one. It is one of the best in the city she lives in. She tells everybody that me and my husband put her away. I get tired of hearing the complaining. I have to hear about everybody's problems. You cannot explain anything to her. Whether it is financial or what so I avoid the subjects. All she wants to do is argue. The last time she hung up on me we did not speak for over a month. I have now limited my phone calls to her to every two weeks and have stepped back on the caregiving letting my brother deal with the majority of it. He is local and her favorite anyway.
When she hangs up on you, don't immediately call her back. Change the pattern. Wait a few days.
Is there anyone else she talks to? That you could have call just to make sure she's OK? A neighbor that could knock on the door to say hi if she won't answer the phone? If not, I guess you will have to ask for a wellness check.
Yes, my son talks to her weekly, so I know she is ok. All of her friends have passed, and I don’t want to waste the officer’s time anymore with wellness checks. I need to just walk away from that situation. My husband is dealing with cancer and I need to save my strength for him.
I read your profile - will she answer the phone to your son? If she will, you can run a mini welfare check that way and set your mind at rest, at least.
To answer the question: about five months. We - this was my son - were both being pig-headed. Then his dog was dying and I had to let him know, and we never discussed the original issue again.
But your mother makes a bit of a habit of this, doesn't she? There could be two halves to the coin: on the one side, she needs to brood and get over her anger; on the other, she is punishing you. It isn't a very healthy way for her to behave, but what about you? How does it leave you feeling?
Yes, I think she gets enjoyment knowing that I am hurt and upset. I am actually sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I know I would never treat my son like she treats me.
Great comment. Thank you.
You just summed why communication with some family members feels so unsatisfactory. I feel a little guilty reducing contact, like I should be able to give freely without wanting in return.
But I need water too.
But you also say it “puts a lot of unnecessary stress on my son and his wife”. What do they think about it? How do they intend to keep going with this? Would they see your ‘best course of action’ as appropriate to them too?
If your son is the golden boy, perhaps that is all mother needs to be happy. Perhaps if he stops doing what she wants, she may rethink how to get her own needs met. And remember, she may be one of those who can ‘turn on a dime’, which includes turning against your son.
I guess your son knows what you are going thru right now. Ask that he make you aware of any big changes. Because eventually she will not be able to live on her own.
Part of her behavior may be her trying to irritate you and push your buttons, the other part of it may be dementia related where she's unaware of what's going on entirely. You just don't know when dementia is at play and you're far away.
When my mother with dementia was alive & living in Memory Care AL, she too would hang up on me from time to time and/or not answer her phone. I knew, however, that she was okay b/c I could call over to the nurse or the caregiver to find out how she was doing and they could go to her room to check on her FOR me. You don't have that luxury.
I don't know what to tell you, except that I wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing my mother was living alone at home with dementia in another state and I couldn't get a hold of her.
We tried to convince her to look at some assistant living places so she wouldn’t be alone, be she insists on staying in her house. She does not a nurse coming in for short periods.
This puts a lot of unnecessary stress on my son and his wife.
Do you mean to say your Mom CAN answer the phone but doesn't wish to?
Are you saying you believe your Mom needs checking on now, and due to her not answering you have fears regarding her safety?
Why do you believe your Mom isn't answering?
Have you spoken with your Mom about your inability to reach her by phone?
When my brother fell ill the "phone thing" was my first clue that something was amiss. He claimed he had trouble with the phone and he had had Spectrum out to check it and that it checked out just fine. I would be talking with him on the phone and it would be sudden silence. As though he wasn't hearing me. Then he would hang up. It took me a while. At first it seemed that perhaps the phone was not repaired. Then I noticed some handwriting changes and I visited. Once there I was able to know things were "changing".
Our own stories will mean little to you. Each situation is unique. You are currently "in a situation" that you will have to evaluate on your own. Hope you'll update us.
This past winter I asked my mom why she keeps hanging up on me. I told her it was extremely rude, and that I was tired of it. She asked me why I keep calling knowing that she is going to hang up. I told her that I wouldn’t if she weren’t my mother.
My mother stays in touch with my son, so that’s good enough.
Bottom line is that you can’t make someone like you, even if it’s your mother.
She should have blamed 'old age'.. or herself for getting old. But that would mean taking responsibility.. many seem to be stuck blaming others.
I'd let a 'golden' son take over too.
She says "the sky is purple".
Rather than saying "no, it's not" you could try:
Hmmm.
Could be...
Must be interesting...
[Silence]
Did you hear that from someone?
I'm curious where you read that.
When she hangs up on you, don't immediately call her back. Change the pattern. Wait a few days.
Is there anyone else she talks to? That you could have call just to make sure she's OK? A neighbor that could knock on the door to say hi if she won't answer the phone? If not, I guess you will have to ask for a wellness check.
All of her friends have passed, and I don’t want to waste the officer’s time anymore with wellness checks.
I need to just walk away from that situation. My husband is dealing with cancer and I need to save my strength for him.
To answer the question: about five months. We - this was my son - were both being pig-headed. Then his dog was dying and I had to let him know, and we never discussed the original issue again.
But your mother makes a bit of a habit of this, doesn't she? There could be two halves to the coin: on the one side, she needs to brood and get over her anger; on the other, she is punishing you. It isn't a very healthy way for her to behave, but what about you? How does it leave you feeling?