What to do when a dementia patient is mean to their spouse? Constantly blaming him for not telling her what's happening.

Mom was always mean to dad. Then, when her dementia ramped up, she got a lot meaner and criticized his every movement. People can say she's not being "mean" and it's her "broken brain" till the cows come home, but dad feels abused bc he's being abused, broken brain or not! #Truth

Demented elders have been known to get violent and hurt their Loved ones. Try telling the doc in the ER it's not a real stab wound from a pair of scissors, just the result of a broken brain. The wound is still bleeding, hurting, and requiring repair!

Dad needs to hire in home help to look after mom to give him respite. Or get her placed in Memory Care Assisted Living at some point. She's no longer a candidate for independent living now that dementia is at play.

Best of luck.

Are they in a facility with multiple levels? If not, then you might have to think about relocation which may be necessary when one of them passes or gets worse. She can potentially become violent. They might be at this stage already. In my mom's MC, I met another resident whose wife was separated from him in this unit because it was necessary to do so. They both got to see each other when family physically brought him to see her in another unit. The little fib were given to the angry spouse, when she asked, was that he went to the barbers or doctors office.

I have learned much about dementia behaviors from the wonderful folks on this forum. One of them that is mentioned a lot is "shadowing". I'm wondering if your mom has developed this clingy and following behavior towards your dad? Here is an article that sheds some light on the subject. I'm hoping that it is helpful to you: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/shadowing-behavior-in-dementia-470434.htm

Mom should no longer be left alone. You and Dad are expecting things out of her that she can no longer do. This will worsen. Its the disease.

Is this change entirely due to your Mom's diagnosis? That is to say, have they always had a somewhat "bickering" habitual way of interacting?

At some point it will not be appropriate for your Dad to be directly housed WITH your Mom. He cannot be harried and hassled his remaining years.

If you are POA this is worth discussing with doctor. Sometimes a low dose anti-depressant can help in mood disorder part of this, in the anxiety component. It would be worth a try with your dad carefully monitoring whether it helps or not.

I wish I had better ideas, because this is very sad.

Your moms brain is now broken and more than likely she can no longer read and comprehend what is written on said calendar.
And like already said, she is more than likely very afraid when your dad leaves as he is her everything and her safety.
Sadly it's either time for your parents to move into an assisted living facility with memory care attached(as eventually mom will end up there)or just to move mom into memory care.
Hopefully you and your dad are educating yourselves about dementia, as knowledge will help you both better understand what your mom is going through.
And if possible your dad(and you if you'd like)should be seeking out a good local support group for caregivers of loved ones with dementia. They will be a great resource and it's always comforting to know that you're not alone.
I wish you all the very best in taking the next steps in moms care.

Mom can not "remember" what the calendar is, how to process the information.
If they wish to continue to live where they are when dad can not be with mom he needs to have her occupied in some way. A "companion", a project that is supervised so she can not wander.
The biggest problem that I see might happen is that she wanders off grounds looking for him or for any other reason.
She should be in a Memory Care unit/wing that is locked so that she can not wander and will be under 24/7 supervision.

she is not "mean" he is her "safe person" the one person that she knows will be there when she needs help, support, he is the one she can trust to stay with her no matter what she does.

She isn’t “mean” to him.

Her damaged, failing brain has lost its ability to filter what she says, her tender feelings for him are muddled in the errant thoughts of dementia, and the anxiety of not being able to reason and realize that she’s been given information previously may have both frightened and infuriated her.

She is not “independent” now, and if your mom and dad’s facility has a step-up care arrangement, you need to find out what’s available for her.

Difficult decisions. Is your dad her POA?

Your mother needs a higher level of care than Independent Living.

Either you father needs to hire someone to be with her or she needs to move to memory care.