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I wouldn't come back here if I was the OP either.

I think there is more to the story than meets the eye.

Sounds like the daughter doesn't need the money and the son is okay with
the will. She wants to leave the money with who need it most. The grandkids who don't have a rich parent. The son is even saying keep the money for yourself.

Sure the daughter provided a home. She also got a free housekeeper out of it.

I think maybe we should give manyloveslost a bit of slack. Just my opinion.
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Tagtae Nov 2022
Thank you! You said it better than I did.
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I think you should reconsider. You are destroying your family with your actions. It’s not just about the money, there are emotions and feelings that go along with inheritances. And yes you are playing favorites, whether you acknowledge it or not. Put yourself in your daughters shoes, how would you feel if your parents did that to you. Leave equally to all your grandkids. Your sons kids will need to figure it out.

And you should go live with your son. You created an untenable situation with your daughter for yourself. I hope it was worth it.
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Move out
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Back in the 70s when there were plenty of people without jobs, including my parents, I received a gut kick when I was told that if college money ran low that I would get cut off first over my brother because I was the female. Do you think that would be fair?
We both got our AS degrees but in the end, I paid my way slowly to get my MS. Now that I am retired from a rich career in a dream job, I did not set up my will favoring male or female, richer or poorer, it will be divided equally between the boy and girl. Since they already received equal inheritance from another relative, the rich one purchased a vacation home. All the rent goes towards the college education in the future. The other reinvested for funds to work in a different way.
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1. Did everyone miss the fact the 76 Elder with stage 4 lung cancer does all the housekeeping, laundry, pet care, and supports all these activities with her own money?? (Sounds like a maid for room and board.)

2. Then the daughter says "you are not wanted, loved nor wants the elder around"? (Is this a loving daughter who got her feelings hurt or hoping for a good inheritance?)

3. No where does it say how the daughter found out about the will. Did brother tattle, daughter go snooping or did the Elder really announce?
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BurntCaregiver Nov 2022
@Tagtae

No one missed the part about the OP claiming to do all the housekeeping, laundry, pet care, and groceries. I think it's not getting mentioned because most of the people here just aren't buying it. Also, someonewoth Stage 4 lung cancer isn't going to be doing all this.
The OP states she moved in a few years ago.
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I see so many people ask a question and never come back.
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pamzimmrrt Nov 2022
well she did only ask 3 hours ago on a holiday.. normally I give it 24 hours!
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I can come back to say that I can understand her point of view - she isn't wrong to think that her wealthy daughter and her family doesn't need the money as much as her working class son and his kids do. I'm left wondering whether a financial planner and an elder law attorney had any part of the way this has been set up, because I can see other ways the same thing might have been accomplished without causing so many hurt feelings. Plus the unfortunate reality is that with stage 4 lung cancer the OP's life expectancy is lowered and the need for expensive care at the end of life is increased and there doesn't seem to be any consideration for how that is going to be paid for - it is an awful shame that there has been such a huge family rift when by the end there may not be anything left to quarrel over.

OP you came here for advice but you came on the offensive, telling us how much you do around your daughter's house as though that somehow equals and erases what she has done for you. Instead of doubling down and accusing her of abuse you need to step back and realize that just because she has greater wealth does not mean she owed you any of it, and that your words and actions obviously hurt her deeply - I don't think there is any way forward until you acknowledge that.
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Tagtae Nov 2022
\Maybe the OP that's probably on cancer treatments that's effecting her common sense brain could of used some tackful words to look at the problem from the daughter's point of view?

Before anyone quick draws on me I have had my fair of sh!t childhood, absentee parents, sexual abuse, living in filth and knowing for a fact I was not important.

Please everyone remember there is always more to the story than what can be posted. Can u tell your whole life in a few words?
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Your daughter is abusive?

She has been there for you for years and you decide to cut her and her children out of your will and you tell her about it. I would say you are the abusive one here.

I would sue you for back rent if you didn't get out of my home.

It has nothing to do with the money. It has to do with not leaving them anything that shows you had kind regards for them, regardless of what their parents can give them.
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BurntCaregiver Nov 2022
@Isthisrealyreal

Well said.
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It is not about the money, it is about the fact that you are telling your daughter and her children that they do not matter to you.

My mother said the same thing, she is leaving everything to my brother, nothing to me, not even a piece of jewelry because I have enough.

She also bought him a new car, she never bought me anything of any value.

That did it, I was done, haven't spoken to her for 12 years and never will again.


I did everything for my mother for over 50 years, my brother did little or nothing until I told her goodbye, now he is stuck with her.
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2022
Exactly MeDolly.


Good for you for saying enough.
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manyloveslost2, let's sit back and look at the situation. You are leaving funds to 2 out of 3 younger grandchildren but nothing to the older grandchild nor the adopted younger grandchild. If this was someone else telling you what they are doing with their Will, how would you react?

You don't want to what had happened when my grandparents had passed. Their five grown children got equal value except for one grown child. My grandparents gave her less because she loved to spend. That grown child took this matter to court, after court, after court. Probate took ten years, and by the time all the attorney fees were added up, plus estate tax penalties, there was hardly anything left is distribute. There was hard feelings among the siblings for a very long time, and among my cousins regarding this Aunt, etc.

Right now you are living rent free, have you checked what rents are today? They have exploded. You may find you will be going into that nest egg sooner than you thought.
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I am sorry to hear you have an advanced cancer, and may spend your final time alienated from family.
You could have set up accounts for your grandsons outside of your estate. Then drawn up an equitable will, distributing whatever was left (even if it was pennies) after you took care of yourself. Or never mentioned your will.
Your maximized the drama. What did you think was going to happen?
Calling your daughter an “abuser” seems rather gratuitous.
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Tagtae Nov 2022
Yes, you are right sometimes there is no more to the story. I like how you handle the situation with your first MIL. Very wise.
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Where is the abuse here? Your daughter said some harsh words to you but that is not abuse. She took you in and you repaid her kindness by cutting her out of the will. Of course she is going to be upset and I don't believe this is about money. You are favoring two grandchildren over your other grandchild. You are penalizing your daughter because she is more successful that your son. You created this mess.
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Yes, you certainly laid an egg, with the EXTREMELY foolish decision to open your mouth. A bit late to be asking advice! Done is done, and I very much fear you have brought all this on yourself.

I am with your daughter 100%. I would be beyond furious, too. There is simply no inoffensive way to tell one child she is going to get nothing, while everything goes to her sibling’s kids! Frankly, you’re lucky she didn’t put your belongings out on the sidewalk that very day!

All that said, I agree it’s your money to do with as you like. BUT—you were out of your mind to not (as CWillie notes) just keep your intentions top secret…and let your poor daughter find out after your funeral, when she had spent years housing you!

Oh, well. Maybe your favored son will take you in.
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You should keep that money for your future living&health care expenses. You may need it
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I'm so very sorry about the situation and your failing health. I suggest you take your money and go someplace else. If you want, change your will and don't tell anyone. Then hire your own care team and don't expect anyone else to take care of you. The alternative is to keep on what you're doing now, and that looks like it will only get worse. What's done and said will remain done and said. Enough.
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I have no doubt the she was in shock that you cut her out of the will after she gave you a home and was prepared to provide some level of care as your health declines. And of course your son has no problem with this as everything is going his way, even if it is indirectly.
All of this might have been avoided if you had discussed this with them both before presenting a fait accompli.... BTW what did you hope to accomplish when you decided to inform them now rather than leaving them to discover it after your demise?
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