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He "Shadows" me everywhere, worse than the dogs! If I get up to go to the bathroom he follows me and stands outside door. When I fold the wash he follows me to the Laundry room and stands at that door. When I am cooking he stands in the kitchen while I walk all around him to get what I need. It is very inconvenient , but I smile and act pleasant so he doesn't get upset. When is it my turn to get upset? This is beginning to get me crazy. The only place he doesn't follow me is into the computer room. I don't know why. I can't spend too much time in there because now he is pooping in rooms other than the bathroom if I don't follow him around. The other day I sat down to have a yogurt and he went into the guest bedroom and pooped on my fabric covered hassock. Yuck. Once he went out in the garage and pooped. The interesting part is that he usually poops in his Depends and never remembers to pull them down when sitting on the toilet. I have to do it for him. Yesterday he was angry with me for trying to attend a baby shower. He got all mad and started shoving me around, and yelling at the way too young caregiver who had just arrived. I sent her home....no baby shower for me yesterday. Then when we went into the bathroom he wouldn't let me do anything for him. He wanted to do it himself....which he doesn't remember how to do! What a mess and catastrophe yesterday was. And we actually had a peaceful and calm week leading up to this! But my main question is what to do about the shadowing. Even his favorite movie doesn't hold his attention anymore.

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Wam: Albeit it difficult, you've got to place him in an NH, else you will quite likely die trying.
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Going to a facility really hits most with the reality they are no longer in control. Those we trusted (family) may be perceived to betray the spouse or parent. Placement ASAP speaks highly of you. It means you care for each of you. Let us know how it goes.
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Glad you had a better night! Your questions ( write them down) will be answered tomorrow at the meeting at CHVH 💜
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hey wam....you could still love him, but you will both be in a safe place! i believe people HATE loooosing their independence and lash out because of that. it must be reeeeeaaallly scary for someone to be where your husband is in life!! take care, keep posting!
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Yes, wam, you are right. Those are signs from God.

We had a similar situation--no signs from God but we JUST made it into AL before my mom really lost her faculties. I just said to my husband the other day that if my mom were not in AL right now, our lives would be totally different--and impossible. He agreed.

So, you just hang on, know that God is with you, and be patient. In a few months you can look back on this and sigh with relief. But tin the meantime, keep in touch!!!! And let us know how it is going.

Lots of hugs!
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I had two major changes in the last two days. On Thursday he was very loving and want to hug me and tell me that he loved me. He was very affectionate. This has not happened in about a year. Then we sat down and he put his arm around me and held my hand. I just broke down crying because I was so touched by the whole thing. Then on Friday he got violent with the caregiver, grabbed her by the arm and told her to "Get Out." Fortunately she knew what to do. She was authoritative and told him to sit down and calm down. She did some maneuver to get his hand off her wrist. Meanwhile I had called 911. Then I hung up because she had him under control. The police called me right back to see if I was OK? I was very grateful. But I said I was ok. If she hadn't been able to calm him down he would be in jail right now waiting for a room in the nursing home. I called my doc right away and thank God he is on call for the Labor Day weekend. He told me how much meds to give him to calm him down. It took about three hours for Bill to really mellow out! My caregiver was here all afternoon and so was I. I finally was able to go out and pick up an RX before she left. i was so grateful to have her here. But it made my mind up. I had been praying for a sign from God and I do believe these were my signs. First the sign of his Love, on Thursday, and second the sign of violence on Friday. I will be making arrangements to get him in he home this week. I love him and I feel guilty, but God will strengthen me to be able to do this. We made it through last night just fine.
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Good luck, honey, we are all pulling for you--both of you!
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Lifeexperience, thank you. It was particularly hard as it came without warning from someone who until that moment was very protective of women. He's tried to strangle me since and to get extremely intimate despite my yelling no. Thankfully it's only me (at the moment) that he responds to in this way so I never spend time alone with him.
His late wife, was my almost identical twin and while I don't for a nano second believe he would have hurt her. I think that sometimes seeing me triggers such overwhelming emotion in his poor confused brain that he lashes out. So for both our sakes I need to be the one to set the boundaries and make sure they are kept.
Wam. like many others here, thinking of you.
All I can add, is that because of this horrible disease the person you now live with is not sadly the person you made those promises too. You have kept faith with that person. If just for a few moments your beloved could be back and aware of the changes do you really believe that Your safety/well being wouldn't be his prime importance?
Let others help by doing the day to day grind so you are free to love, visit, hold the memories for you both and not be worn out or endangered in the process.
Bless you and do keep us all updated.
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Wam, wish we could go with you for moral support. Will be there in spirit.
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great....i'm sure the right medication will help tremendously!! please keep us posted. good luck to both of you!!
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I have an appointment at Charlotte Hall Veterans Home, to make some preliminary adjustments. He is standing right behind me now as I write this. i can't get any privacy. But he cannot read anymore, so it doesn't matter what I am doing. He won't realize it! I will have to take him along on the visit to Charlotte Hall.
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wamnanealz, many of us know about that sense of "betrayal" and the feeling that they will be sad once placed in care. The fact is, many adjust exceptionally well though some take more time than others.

The quality of care matters a lot, and that's not always something that we can control. So much depends on where we live.

I think that most will feel anxious but some of that they pick up from us. If we feel guilty and worried they will be worried. So, try to work on getting rid of the guilt.

Please update us when you can.
Carol
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Wamnanealz....I believe all caregivers experience a lot of experience in the first few years of caring for the loved one...but...as time progresses and situations get harder and harder, we make decisions that we would never imagine we would have to make!!! It's a process, in life you have to FEEL the feelings...process and then move forward. The guilt will subside, when he is a better place for HIM...and you don't have to live like that! Goooood luck to all caregivers...the lucky ones get help!!!
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OMG LucyCW...what a horrible experience!
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Wam, lead with your 💜 heart! Get his medications correct and you will see no more of this type of aggression and threatening behavior, my husband did and sometimes still does the mean thing but I have learned to know when that's coming and a 1/2 tab of " settle down" med stops the action before it starts. Try it, get the correct type of Dr. PCs just don't seem to get it sometimes. 💜💜💜💜💜
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Awe Wam, don't feel guilty. None of us ask to go from being 1st Mate to Captain. But when you know he's in trouble, it's gotten dark and the seas are picking up, having a quick look at the weather report, map, and checking the safety equipment isn't deceitful on your part. It's what you need to do, for everyone's sake, including his. If you don't have some ideas of what you will do and the situation escalates and is taken from your hands, could he not end up in a place that isn't good? You've got to be the one to navigate both of you to the best possible outcome and safety. Hugs.
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Wam...you have fulfilled your promise - you've "kept him home as long as possible". No one deserves to be abised by their loved ones in ANY stage of their relationship, whether that person is in their right mind or not. As for the guilt, you need to approach this from the perspective of what your "real" husband's reaction would have been prior to the Alzheimer's. Let's pretend this was your Dad you're caring for & your pre-AZ husband found out he was pushing you, punched you or even just *threatened* to punch you. I bet he would probably have been very upset & I highly doubt he'd want you to continue caring for Dad. I'd bet he would tell you that was the last straw & it was time to place Dad in a home. If he would have said that about anyone else, I'm certain, if he were in his right mind, he'd say the same about himself, too. There IS guilt in abandoning them, but there is NOT guilt in finding them a nice, safe nursing facility where their needs are met & they are safe.
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Wow, Babalou, how many times have we heard of the caregiver dying before the patient? Sad story.
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I have 20 years experience working in health care with a variety of behaviors.
It is now an epidemic as so many suffer from dementia. This is an umbrella diagnose.
Every individual needs to evaluate their own situation to determine what 'can be' and 'can not be' expected from a loved one.
Hint: Some behaviors have been with you a long time already.
It is not too late to get some tools to work with. I hope my ideas and experience have hit at lease one nail on the head.
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Wam, let me tell you a story. My mom's brother was the sweetest, gentlest soul you'd ever meet. He and my aunt were a real love match. They lived in the Midwest but took off for Florida when they retired, in retrospect, when Uncle started showing signs of dementia. Aunt insisted, even many years after his diagnosis, that things were fine and that she was managing well. One of my cousins had to go to Florida on business unexpectedly and surprised his parents with a visit. His mother was covered in bruises, black and blue all over her arms. Uncle was beating her up to get out and wander; he'd been brought home by the police several times. Uncle was FINA placed in memory care about three months after this incident.

The sad ending to the story is that Aunt dropped dead of a heart attack 4 months after he was placed. Uncle lived on happily for at her 2 years. Aunt had always said "he'll die if he goes to one of those places".

Wam, you need to let go of the guilt and realize that he'll be well taken care of and content.
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I did talk to Charlotte Hall in MD today!. They are a VA home where he has spent about a month of rehab in the Alzheimer's unit last year after a fall. They were so nice trying to explain about the money, but I was confused. I think I need o go there and actually see everything written down to really understand. I was never good with money. Now I feel really guilty like I am planning to "get rid of him". I never wanted to do this. I promised him he would not know when I put him in a home. Promised I would wait as long as possible. I feel like I am giving up too soon! He will know and he will be afraid! It just makes me so sad to even be thinking about a home.
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I've notice my husband is starting to follow me, but I think it is more of wanting to be near me because he might be "afraid" of being alone. I don't know what goes on in his scrambled mind, but I just grin and bear it. I think all we can do is just wait until another odd behavior occurs and then deal with that. You cannot allow yourself to get angry at him. God only knows he is not responsible for his behaviors, and you will just have to accept what he does. He will not be with you for long, so enjoy him while you have him.
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My husband is 96 years old. He has had Dementia for a few years. I have noticed that he comes to find me if he doesn't know where I am. I guess he is trailing me but not really right in my way. I think the trailing comes from needing the security of knowing right were I am, since I am his security. He not only has Dementia, but is legally blind. At times I do feel he is helpless without me and if he comes to where I am I try to see what he needs. Yes, when I am in the bathroom or showering, it gets old to always have someone yelling for me or someone walking in. I just tell him to pull up a chair!! He always just says he will wait for me in the living room and normally lets me just finish and come to let him know I am finished and there for him. I guess, just remember when you are being trailed, that you are needed for security. Hope that helps!
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Yes, once they start pushing its time for a care facility. My GFs father got so violent in the facility he was in the police were called. He broke a computer and was throwing things. The staff shut themselves in one of the offices. He was 87. Shadowing, that would drive me nuts. My family knows not to even come in the kitchen when I'm doing something. I don't even like when Mom watches everything I do and I don't do well with needy. Back to shadowing, this isn't uncommon.
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wamnanealz: I'm sorry, but you can't take care of a man, your husband, who is now acting like a baby. Put him in an NH or he'll be the death of you! I know; it's not that easy b/c I just got done taking care of my Mother who pooped on her shower seat (was oblivious to it) and every day I was wiping up the bathroom floor and not of urine!!!!!
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I completely empathise with the violence, please protect yourself. My usually very gentle bil head butted me fracturing my nose, and forehead in two places also blacked my eye. When he saw me after I got patched up he was outraged and wanted to know who had hurt me. I never see him by myself now :~(
Re shadowing, sadly not just dementia suffers do this. I'm severely disabled and have my own support staff. 2 of them shadow me constantly even though they know I can do some things alone :~)
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I would get a second opinion from the Elder Care attorney about asset protection.

I would also have him evaluated for medication.

I would look into various options for his care, since he will eventually not be able to walk or get in and out of bed. So, at some point, you will not be able to care for him yourself at home. I would try to have a plan before the need arrives.
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maybe it's time for medication!! omg...terrible situation!! hope you find something helpful here!! please give post follow up!!
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My 84 yr old mother has dementia & lives with me. I, too, have issues with shadowing, especially as it gets closer to dark. (God, how I dread the coming change back to Standard Time & more hours of darkness!)

Anyway, I'm trying my best to keep Mom here at home as long as I can...partly due to her finances but mostly because she can fake orientation long enough in front of her doctor & elder lawyer to refuse placement. BUT...I've already determined that the FIRST time she gets physical with me or one of my animals, she's getting placed whether she tries to refuse or not. They may be old & frail-looking but they are *amazingly* strong! Neither I nor my fur-babies deserve to be physically harmed, especially when there are facilities that can more safely deal with her care at that point.
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Assuming your husband has dementia or Alzheinmer's this "shadowing behavior" is not an unusual behavior for people. I facilitate a Caregiver Support group and this behavior is often mentioned.....as well as how frustrating it can become! You know intellectually they might not be able to control it, but it can be very wearing.

Also, it probably has nothing to do with being "co-dependent", or "learning to set limits or boundaries." That may work with a man who has retired and has normal brain functioning, but not for someone with dementia. This isn't about teaching a "baby bird to fly on their own." People with dementia will become more dependent, not less dependent. They have limited capacity for behavior changes unlike a child who is learning and whose brain is developing.

Trying to set limits is difficult because the center of the brain that deals with impulse control is deteriorating. Brain scans will show holes in the brain tissues. This may also account for some of the anger outbursts you see coming through. The "filter" function of the brain is no longer working. There's no part saying "Stop. You may feel angry but it's not ok to hit someone. Talk it out."

As others have mentioned, these behaviors may only get worse. He won't be able to control himself so you may have to to actions to protect yourself.
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