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He "Shadows" me everywhere, worse than the dogs! If I get up to go to the bathroom he follows me and stands outside door. When I fold the wash he follows me to the Laundry room and stands at that door. When I am cooking he stands in the kitchen while I walk all around him to get what I need. It is very inconvenient , but I smile and act pleasant so he doesn't get upset. When is it my turn to get upset? This is beginning to get me crazy. The only place he doesn't follow me is into the computer room. I don't know why. I can't spend too much time in there because now he is pooping in rooms other than the bathroom if I don't follow him around. The other day I sat down to have a yogurt and he went into the guest bedroom and pooped on my fabric covered hassock. Yuck. Once he went out in the garage and pooped. The interesting part is that he usually poops in his Depends and never remembers to pull them down when sitting on the toilet. I have to do it for him. Yesterday he was angry with me for trying to attend a baby shower. He got all mad and started shoving me around, and yelling at the way too young caregiver who had just arrived. I sent her home....no baby shower for me yesterday. Then when we went into the bathroom he wouldn't let me do anything for him. He wanted to do it himself....which he doesn't remember how to do! What a mess and catastrophe yesterday was. And we actually had a peaceful and calm week leading up to this! But my main question is what to do about the shadowing. Even his favorite movie doesn't hold his attention anymore.

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I'm wondering if it isn't time for memory care. If he was shoving you around, there could be more physical abuse to come. As was mentioned - for both of you it may be best to get him care by professionals.

You need time to yourself and you need to protect yourself. You are trying your best and doing well but there is only so much you can do. Violence against the caregiver is not uncommon. Your husband can't help it but you shouldn't put yourself in a position where you can be seriously hurt. With him in memory care, you'll be able to see him and be his advocate but should there be a physical attack you can get help. You can leave and get away from it. This is a hard decision but sometimes the best for everyone.

Please update us on how you are doing.
Carol
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Please know that this is fairly normal behavior at some point in the dementia process, especially in case of Alzheimer's. You may be able to distract him by giving him a task to do - fold washcloths while you go to the bathroom, wash veggies while you are making dinner, sweeping while you get dressed, etc. This may not always work but it is helpful when it does.

Getting upset will not help either of you. It generally just makes both people act in worse ways. It escalates the situation and no one is helped.

His violence directed at you is of concern. You need to be safe. It is not uncommon for a person with dementia to become physically aggressive but there are limits to what you can handle in a home setting by yourself. You do not have to leave yourself in a position of being hurt. Just think, if you are hurt then who will care for both of you?

Perhaps it is time to consider moving him into a facility which could provide the care he needs in a context which may be more safe for both of you.
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Ask yourself what you you want him to do if the roles were reversed and it was you doing the shadowing and he was the caregiver. Then think about what he would want you to do if he were giving you advice with the mind he use to have. Put the two together, come up with a plan, then put it into action.

It's not an easy place at all to be, but it is what it is I'm afraid. Good Luck.
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for both your sakes----he has to leave.......you can't take care of all those needs and keep your sanity or even count on being safe......not if he's starting to show signs like that.......start looking now for a nursing facility that can handle him...
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This is an extreme case of what I am mildly experiencing.

My husband stands in front of me in the kitchen all the time. I know what you mean about having to move around him. It is so frustrating that he doesn't see that I need to move to fill something with water and will let me walk around him. He doesn't have dementia, just memory loss a bit, but he has trouble moving.

I don't believe there is anything you can "do" as such in the home to stop this. But the right meds might lessen his anxiety so that he would stop doing it. Has he been seen by a geriatric doctor?

I have written many times that my mom was impossible until we took her to a Senior Behavioral Clinic. They are everywhere now. My mom was there for ten days and they watched her intensely and fine-tuned her meds. Like night and day. The loss of memory causes anxiety, which can become intense and lead to weird behavior.

You will need a referral but start with a googling for Senior Behavioral Clinic in your area. They know what to do. FYI: when it was all over, the insurance paid for everything but $1,000. Well, worth it to have our lives back.
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I agree with annettesrose about setting boundaries. Some might say it is not possible with dementia, but it is worth a try. My husband has Lewy Body Dementia, 7 years now and he is mid/late stage, but he understands things on some level, even now. So I explain things that he would have understood in the past. Kind of like you would to a kid.

When he didn't want me to spend time in the computer room, I told him that I had given up my job to take care of him, BUT I needed my own space and time to myself. Explained that since he was watching TV/sleeping on the couch, I didn't need to be there. I had things I enjoyed doing on the computer. He had his favorite show, which I keep backup of recordings, and he was ok. I could hear him, if he needed help, just say my name. Even now, he comes to check on me every once in a while. So, I ask if he needs something, then try to guess what it might be, because he cannot say, OR I tell him that he is ok, I am ok, and I'll be in there soon, dinner will be soon, or whatever.

He also objected to caregivers. So I told him that the only way I was going to be able to keep him at home, as long as possible, was if I had help. So, if he wanted to stay at home, we had to have caregivers. Then I make sure the caregivers do something he likes, such as play a game. He can't remember how to do a lot of thing, but he can remember simple games, like go fish, uno, etc. He also gets favorite food that he doesn't get, when I'm home. In the beginning, I made a deal out of, you get to do this today...yea!

I've also heard, but have not had to try scheduling potty times, i.e. reminding them or having them go every couple of hours. Maybe even have them go right before you need to do something and you know that is the time there are "accidents." I try to do this, when I know we are going out, because sure enough, the minute we get in the car or store, he has to go and dealing with potty issues in public bathrooms can be a nightmare.

When my husband didn't want to wear pads, I asked what would be more embarrassing, wearing a pad that no one knew about or wetting his pants in public, because he couldn't hold it. Then suggested that we try it and see how it worked. Used the pads that fit into his regular underwear. When they were not enough, he was fine with the pullups. I haven't tried this yet either, but have heard about using packaging tape to keep their pullups on. Then you have to cut them off, and there are scissors that hospitals use, with rounded ends to avoid puncturing someone.
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Oh my gosh, Wam, shadowing! Finally a name for it. I think a whole lot of guys do this, (even the healthy and young ones), and I think it drives most of us girls nuts! Yours sounds worse, am sure that it is due to the disease process, but don't feel completely alone with that one. :-) I've seen my husband, best friend's husband, stepdad, even my grandpas do this! I don't know if they think they are "helping", if they are bored, love us too much, or are subconsciously following along, uggh, I've never figured that out. Get an important phone call, fires up the vacuum he hasn't touched in 2 months. Take phone in other room, comes to vacuum that room. :-) Start to wash up the kitchen counters, turn around, he's blocking the sink cleaning up something like the humidifier, making a total mess, gonna be a while, thinks you should stand there and wait on him. (?) Oh, you'll like this one. Got some little flower plants, left in garage to be planted when I had time. Saturday morning, he announces he's going to trim around the back yard. Takes miles of electric cord, weed trimmer out back inside large wood fence, it's a huge yard, going to be a while. Great. I go out front where the little plants are going to go. Set them, my spade, watering can, box of bone meal down, go inside to get some gloves. Come back out, a peaceful beautiful morning, ready to make my little creation. Electric cord is now plugged in out front, back gate is open, he's working right by where I need to plant, back yard not even close to finished, but he abandoned that mid stream, (when he realized I was going to work there, I guess). Box of bone meal is now on it's side spilling, plants are 1/2 smashed by electric cord, which is wrapped around the watering can. Ummm? He's happily blasting away on the grass near the foundation a few feet away. "Are you done with the back already?" "Hugh? No, I just decided to move out here for a while". I have no idea what goes through their brains, but it is quite maddening. :-) My Grandma's and Sister had a rule, no one in the kitchen while I am cooking. They'd flat say "out of my kitchen!" if someone violated that. Now I see why, and I have recently applied, and am reinforcing that rule and it is working out. Otherwise the second I start cooking he's 2 feet from me blocking access to fridge, sink, etc., getting himself a glass of ice water, washing his hands, something like that while the meal burns, ...

I've heard of the community spouse rule another poster mentioned, it allows for the independent spouse to keep/own a home that's valued under a certain amount. I didn't realize the gifting rules were so tight, a small gift to a grandkid at Christmas doesn't seem unreasonable, but I don't know the rules. I do think I'd speak with the medicaide office directly and then I'd probably follow up with an ATTNY as well to be certain. I think you may be in a better position than you think though. Hang in there!
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Wam, when did you speak to an eldercare attorney. And was that person cerified? I've not heard of a medicaid lookback of 7 years, but that may be true in your state. I would confirm that with Medicaid.

You don't diqualift yourself by gining small gifts, but yhere may be a "penalty", a period of time during which Medicaid won't pay for your husband's care.

You are right, you don't sell the house to pay for his care, but even if he goes into a faciliry on Medicaid, you would still be able to have the house as a community spouse, a spouse not in a facility. I think you need to get clarification on some of these issues.
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My husband, as a last resort, went into a Behavioral Clinic in Baltimore, he was there for 31 days, Medicare paid all of it, it will soon be two years with no titration of meds, plus I still get to take my husband to that same Dr ( psychiatrist ) every three months and Medicare covers all of that. Nancy you would need someplace closer as its just not a "respite" drop off, you must be there with him every day if possible, the reinforcement is what works. Don't look for pretty, these sections below or buried in beautiful Nursing Homes are the pits, not facility wise, but patient wise, it's a locked ward with the craziest of crazies, just prepare yourself. For me it was worth it, I was told from day one he would never be able to come back home, that made me even more determined to help make that not be the outcome. If they can not make it in a Behavioral Clinic, next step is him being placed somewhere other then home. You have hung in there this long, give it a try. P💜💜💜💜💜
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Try music from when u guys were courting u are his constant anchor at the moment have patience he is scared
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