How do I explain to my husband that he has Vascular Dementia?

Everybody is different. My Mom got upset with not remembering things. She seemed to feel that somehow she could and should fix the problem but couldn't. It really depressed her. I told Mom that she had a disease that affected her memory and the way her brain worked and that there was nothing anyone could do about it. It just was. I also said " Mom you wouldn't be upset with someone if they had heart disease or diabetes or some other disease so you shouldn't be so upset and hard on yourself". For some reason this seemed to help her. I'm sure she has no memory of our conversation now. But, it helped then. Perhaps knowing that her memory problems weren't her fault eased her mind.

I guess everyone is different. Whatever works, works. My loved one told me she had memory problems and it was VERY apparent. The doctors told her she had memory problems, but it wasn't until we were at the neurologist that he told her directly that she had dementia, but he was't sure before he did more tests what was causing it.(Vascular mixed with AD.) It didn't seem to fully sink in with her. She never discussed it, except to tell me that she hated she would lose memories of her parents. So far, she still hadn't forgotten about her parents.

At this point, less than a year later, she has no idea that she has dementia. She thinks she lives and works at the Memory Care facility.

I recall seeing Glen Campbell on tv showing his journey. He had known that he had Alzheimers for a good while, but when the interviewer asked him about it, he looked at his wife and said, "I have Alzheimers? That's news to me." So, eventually, they will not now they have dementia. Whatever gets you through from day to day is the right way to go, IMO.

Not everyone does best with the knowledge of their diagnosis. That is the first thing you'll have to decide, based on your husband's personality and needs. Should you tell him he has Vascular Dementia?

There was no question for me about whether my husband would want to know. Engineers are huge on cause-and-effect and precise measurements and finding out how things tick. He knew something was wrong and vague assurances weren't gonna cut it.

It was the doctor who told him that he had Lewy Body Dementia and gave him some reading material about it. And I'd suggest that if you decide your husband should know that you arrange for the doctor to tell him and explain it at your next appointment.

I'm not saying that my husband took it easily, especially at first, or that he always trusted my judgment. But he got used to the idea and got comfortable with my "interfering" in his life. When we went to a new appointment he'd say, "My wife comes in with me. She's my memory."

I could say things to him like, "I know you can carry your own tray. I've seen you do it for decades! But now I'm worried that ol' Lewy will play tricks on you while you carry it, so why don't you carry the silverware and I'll bring the rest of the tray?" We could moan together about how nasty this terrible disease was. I could assure him I'd be there for him.

It was really best for both of us that my husband knew his diagnosis.(But it wouldn't be for everyone.)

" he said how will I know you are right about things?" "Sweetie, I won't always be right. I'm still the imperfect woman you married. But I'll always honestly try to do what is best for you. With the doctors' help I'll do my best to help you remember things and to make good decisions when you can't. I know I'm not always right, but you can trust me to do my best."

If you feel that it would upset him to hear the word "dementia", I would just say things like "I think we should start writing things down so we can remember". Use whatever prompts you think would work such as a large calendar or a white board on which you list upcoming appts and events. Keep in mind that these things tend to work only until the dementia progresses and then you need to come up with new tricks.

I began telling mom that her brain was playing tricks on her. You might add, "Don't worry. We'll get thru this together, hon, just like we always have."

I am soo sorry. God bless.