My mom sadly passed away yesterday at 11 AM from chronic respiratory failure among other things. I was her caregiver for over 10 years and enjoyed every minute of it, but in the last 3 to 4 years, she was so weak she could hardly cross and cross her own legs totally chair bed bound.
Right when the doctors were talking about hospice care end of life and how she wanted to not fight anymore.
One thing I said out of anger is I will never forgive you for giving up. We later talked about it and I said I did not mean it etc. but I think it was still in the back of her mind.
And while she was actively dying. That by the way was the most incredibly painful difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life. I watched her take her last few breaths.
I was just wishing it would hurry up and happen. Because it was so hard and painful for me to sit and watch it. What kind of selfish monster am I?
My mom died after passing out, and hitting her head (she was dying before that, but that's what ended the wait). It took her a week to die after the fall. It was awful to watch, and I told her she could go on the first day. I didn't want to watch her die, and she deserved better than to die slowly in that way after all she had done for us. So I don't think you're a monster. Watching someone you love die is horrible. You obviously loved her so much, and I have no doubt she would want you to let the guilt go.
Being relieved when a LO's suffering is over is something we just DON'T talk about--but when my Mom died (about 18 months ago) and my MIL died (2 months ago)...well, with mom, it was such a sweet blessing that she passed with zero drama. My MIL was a drama queen and died the way she lived--angry and hateful to so many people. I have never been to a viewing/funeral that had less 'grief' in it.
When time came to close the casket, DH's sister practically climbed inside it with her mother. Kind of embarrassing...then my DH turned around and looked at his mom and turned back. OB didn't even LOOK at her, not once, in that casket. He nodded to the funeral director and said "We're good". The closed and locked the casket w/o OB even looking inside. (Viewings are kind of barbaric, to me.)
These 3 incredibly different reactions to the exact same situation and spoke VOLUMES about the relationships she did/didn't have with her children.
We had been actively praying for her to pass for over a year. Her life was miserable and as she slowly, slowly died, she managed to suck all the joy out of all 3 of her kids' lives. My DH is nowhere near where he needs to be, emotionally--and he didn't do ANYTHING wrong.
Stop the negative self talk. 10 years is a very long time to put your life on hold for someone else. My DH knows that if he gets too much for me to care for, he is going to go into care. Same with me. I will not do that to my family.
Grieving is normal, but life does go on. Please let it go and move forward. Get some help from a counselor. You can't care for someone for that length of time and call yourself a monster for saying one thing out of fatigue & exhaustion.
You said what you said out of love.
You and she spoke about it afterward, and she understood that.
It is very unlikely, as busy a time as the dying have with dying, that she thought about what you said.
I spent my life as an RN. The dying remove themselves from us before they leave. They are busy on their last journey--the one we don't know about until we take it. There is an expression as old as medieval times that says "He (she) turned his (her) face to the wall". That meant that it was now too hard for them to take their journey and still pay attention to those of us still living.
I am so sorry for your loss.
You are now experiencing grief and loss, and given the amount of care you invested your mom became your very life. It is a sort of a death for YOU as well as for her.
You fully know all you did. You don't require our reminding you of it, or reassuring you.
Guilt isn't appropriate here. You didn't cause your mom's illness and death and you couldn't have fixed it. The better G-word is GRIEF and you are trying to avoid that with blame.
That's a normal reaction. Those in profound grief will choose instead to be angry at someone: anyone will do; doctor, nurse, hospital, aid, and EVEN OURSELVES.
Grief is that dark woods you will have to enter. It is fearsome and sad.
Write your mother notes in a journal about your feelings, your memories, the sad time, the happy ones, the bickers, the blessings. Collage it with cutouts and make it beautiful.
Your feelings will lose these sharp edges with the sands of time.
If they don't you will see someone to help, whether pastor, faith community, psychologist, social worker in private practice, doctor for some medication to help bridge you over these waters, new friends, support groups (facebook has great support groups for grieving).
You will make your way.
Your going on with life does your mother honor. That's what she would want for you.
My heart goes out to you. Allow yourself to mourn in your own way and be easy on yourself and your feelings.
Expecting this level of perfection from yourself is unhealthy and unnatural. You did more for your mom than 99.9% of anyone else on earth has done for theirs. Acknowledge that instead of beating yourself up for some imagined transgression. Remember you're human.
My condolences on the loss of your dear mom.
It is very disturbing, given the level of caring love here, that this OP would describe herself as a "monster". It is worrying.
Give yourself a break though. You did all the caregiving for years and you deserve praise and respect for that alone. You're not the only person in the world who's had an off moment because the pressure of caregiving got to them. God knows I've had plenty of them and so has everyone else that's ever had to take this journey. There's not a person on earth who has never said something in the heat of anger, or out of desperation, or out of sheer exhaustion that they didn't regret after they've calmed down, received help, or had a rest.
Having an off moment under near impossible circumstances and conditions doesn't make you a monster.
It makes you a human being.
You talked it over with your mother and told her you didn't mean it. She knew you didn't mean it.
Actions speak louder than words, my friend. Your ten years of service and care, and a lifetime of love you had for your mother are actions far drown out a few words spoken in haste and exhaustion.
Do yourself a favor and don't keep rehashing this in your mind over and over because you'll drive yourself crazy.
It's time for you to have a rest and to show yourself some kindness.
I love my parents, and when it’s their time to go, I pray for it to be peaceful and not drawn out. I felt the same way when I sat by my grandmother as she was breathing her last. She was ready to go and I wanted her to go and receive peace. It’s the passing we all wish for those we love.
I think it's totally expected to want the dying process over with; my sister in law and I, sitting with my mom as she struggled to breathe, said to me "why is this taking so long?". She looked up and said "Pop, time to come get Mom!"
We started playing my parents' favorite music. It eased the fear for us and I hope my mom.
You are not a monster. Please be kind to yourself.
Nor would a "selfish monster" want someone they love to linger on any longer in such a weak condition where they were no longer living just because they were still breathing.
You did your very best and your mom knew that. She was very fortunate to have you by her side all this time and especially when she took her last breath.
Take comfort in the fact that your mom is now at peace and that she doesn't have to suffer any longer. That should be a great relief for you.
I hope and pray that you will now take care of yourself and allow yourself whatever time it takes to mourn the mom you loved.
And know that your mom would not want you feeling bad about anything, but instead would want you moving forward now in a healthy and whole manner.
Best wishes in doing just that.