What is the best way to tell your loved one that they need to leave your home for a higher, safer level of care of living? I can't have my mom at home any longer for fear of her being hurt by a fall, etc. She cannot stay in my home alone while I'm at work. But it feels like such a betrayal to move her elsewhere. I simply don't know what to do.

If she understands you can explain to her that you can no longer safely care for her the way things are.
There are options.
Adapt your home so she can stay there safely. No stairs, no carpet, large roll in bathroom. And this will also come with caregivers that will be there to help her as well as to relieve you from 24/7 care giving.
Memory Care where she will have staff that is trained and where she is safe.

IF she can grasp the concept of either she can help make the decision ONLY if both of these options would work for you and your family. (can mom pay for the modifications to the house? can she pay for the caregivers needed? Will you be willing to have the changes made?)
If she does not understand if remaining in your home is not an option then there really is no "discussion"
You tour a few facilities and make the choice and then make the decision on a date. Just as you had no choice to go to school when you were 5 or 6 and mom made the decision that you were going to school....and you went.
She probably will tell you she does not want to go. She will complain. She will be fine. Just as you complained when you had to do something you did not want to did it and you were fine.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Grandma1954

How far is into her Dementia? I ask because there comes a time when u can't talk to them. They no longer reason and they forget because of short term memory.

I just took my Mom. When she asked where we were going I told her to her new apartment. She would have people to talk to and make knew friends. I set her room up as close as I could to her room in my house. I had the microwave taken out because she had lost the ability to use things like they should be. She settled in well. I went everyday just to check on her but didn't stay for more than 30 min. I lived 5 min away.

If you think Mom will understand, be direct and short. They can only comprehend too much at one time. So its "Mom, its time for you to move to your own apartment." If she says no say " yes, Mom, I can no longer leave u alone and I must work". You are now the adult and she is the child. Put yourself in that mode. Its now what she needs not what she wants.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to JoAnn29
Mysteryshopper Feb 21, 2020
A business associate of mine just did this very thing. It had been a long time coming and his parent was not going to go voluntarily, so he made up a story on where they were going and took his mom where she truly needed to be.

In another case, a woman was told her "insurance" had approved the facility and it would give her some much-needed attention and maybe some physical therapy. She LOVES attention of any kind and she was told she could stay there as long as her "insurance" kept approving it. It's now been years, but it was for everyone's best interest and she adjusted very well.
You are doing your loved one a huge favor by having her placed in an expensive care home where she can receive proper care and management! Whatever you do, do not let her hear in YOUR voice that you feel this to be some sort of betrayal, or she may view it that way herself!

It always blows my mind when people use words like 'betrayal' and say things like "Oh I could NEVER put my mother in such a place" because it's to their advantage to have such a high level of care & attention paid to them. My mother has been in Assisted Living since 2014 and has an entire TEAM catering to her every day; social activities up the wazoo, 3 hot meals & 3 snacks a day, outings, and other amenities too vast to list.

I won't have the money for such a thing when I'm old, unfortunately, or I'd go to an ALF in a heartbeat.

Good luck
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to lealonnie1
shad250 Feb 21, 2020
How many have recently passed?
See 2 more replies
If you were unable to care for ADL tasks, fix and eat a sandwich, use the toilet by yourself, would you prefer to be left by yourself or with people who were trained and paid to help you?

” Stray all” would be to ignore the elephant in the living room.

Providing safe clean living quarters is the very OPPOSITE of betrayal.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to AnnReid

edwarddwoodjr, I agree with cwillie that you can frame the discussion that more care is also to give you peace of mind (which is true). She has experienced some big changes in less than a year, so would you consider starting with in-home care from a reputable agency to cover some or all of the hours when you're not there? This will buy you some time until you can have a discussion with her and find the right place. Are you her durable PoA? 72 is quite young to have the health issues she is experiencing. I'm so sorry for your stress...many, many on this forum have been in your shoes. Let us know how it goes. Peace!
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Geaton777

"I'm sorry mom but this isn't working any more, I can't focus on my work when I'm worried about you here alone. I think that it's time to find a place where you will be cared for. Don't worry, I still love you and will always be part of your life."
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to cwillie

Giving your mother the proper care is just the opposite of betrayal, it evidences that you have her best interest at heart. Do what is best for her.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to anonymous912123

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter