Follow
Share

My father is verbally very abusive to all that are trying to help him. Since his stroke three years ago he is getting progressively worse. Mom is afraid to challenge him on this and if he does not want to move into this new place then she won't go.


We have everything all lined up in a very nice place for them where they will have their own private place and where they can be together. Mom is all for it, but Dad refuses to go.

The other problem we have is that our culture encourages elders to put up a fight and not go willingly to a facility. I saw a bumper sticker that said "Be nice to your kids- they choose your nursing home." I found this bothersome - it implies all kinds of things about parent/child relationships and placement issues. We have comedic TV shows where parents are threatened with being sent to "a home" if they don't do xyz, etc. This is commonplace and elders see this. No wonder children and loved ones face an uphill battle. Not the only reason by far, but it's part of it. Those of us who can see the multi-faceted issues of elder care are not laughing.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Mysteryshopper
Report

Live near an AL. Some folks take public transit. Talk of the day, not about activities of but who has recently died.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to shad250
Report
ExhaustedPiper Feb 22, 2020
Shad, FYI: Your answers are bizarre and not helpful. You got a thing about people dying in nursing homes or what? Old people eventually die, is that some kind of news flash to you?

Stop throwing shade at people who are dealing with placement. It's hard enough without your cryptic digs.
(3)
Report
Dad doesn't want to go to no stinking AL or something Lol
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to shad250
Report

An elderly widow with MANY comorbidities (including serious cognitive decline) was a complete train wreck at home but refused to leave. She also refused to do pretty much anything which required effort or anything which could possibly help her regain any of her former life. Expected family and neighbors to pick up her slack. After an unwitnessed fall (probably with loss of consciousness) she landed in the hospital, then rehab. When Medicare cut off her rehab reimbursement, she was changed to a Medicaid status and was moved to a room with a roommate. Home care had already failed, so there was little motivation to try that again. Family did not have money or time to try it again anyway.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Mysteryshopper
Report
Alicew234 Feb 21, 2020
This is how it goes with stubborn elders. Instead of participating in the choice of where to live by entering into an assisted living (preferably one with priority entry into a good nursing home if it's needed) , they wait until they have a fall, enter rehab and are placed wherever there is an open bed for them- sometimes far from family.

You make a choice or life will choose for you.
(3)
Report
Glad to hear that your mother has agreed to move. If your father is left to his own devices and not catered to, he will most likely follow her, so let him fend for himself and wait.

Good Luck!
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to anonymous912123
Report

I really feel for you! I was where you were last year. My Dad had a stroke and he took care of my mother. My mother is extremely difficult and refused to go to assisted living even though the rehab facility told Mom that Dad couldn't come home. We finally convinced her to go. She made my life a living hell for the 3 months they were there. She refused to go to any of the activities (she is a very social person). She was determined that she was going to hate it. She was also mean to the staff so they weren't as accommodating to her as she thought they should be. They are back home with 24 hour care - which as totally drained their bank account.

I think one of my mistakes was instead of having 2 suites we opted for a 2 bedroom suite which was pretty cramped. The place was beautiful. In hindsight I wonder if we had gotten 2 suites then maybe she would have settled in better.

My mother is adamant that she would never go to a nursing home and that was one of the reasons she agreed to assisted living. In the 7 months they have left assisted living they have both had 3 trips to the hospital and Mom a stay at rehab.

Navigating elderly care is really mind bending and hard to navigate with parents.

Good luck!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to harveybetty
Report

Apapane, your dad will likely agree to move sooner than later if he is not being propped up by anyone.

Encourage your brother to check in with out being put to work.

I know that sounds harsh, but your dad needs to see his reality.

Yea mom! I am so happy that she has decided to go and get care for herself. Well done!
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report

Wish I had an easy answer for you but nothing about this is going to be easy. My first question when you say "Mom is afraid to challenge him..." is to ask if she is safe. Apparently he is verbally abusive but are you or is she afraid of potential physical abuse? If yes get her out of there NOW.

The second thing I have to suggest is that the person you really need to convince is your mother to make the move without your father. Your dad will probably never willingly make the decision to go but if your mother goes he may follow. That decision is hardest on your mother but you may need to work in that direction to get her out of what is basically a hostage situation. Your first priority is to keep her safe and it doesn't sound like she is. She needs to go ahead and make the move without him. If he refuses then he stays behind. Or follows later when he can pretend it is his decision to move. As long as he thinks he can call all the shots he's never going to make the move because he's reached the place where the needs of others no longer count to him. That your mother would be happier is not his concern. Unfortunately this selfish attitude seems to increase with age. Once he is on his own you will need to do the bare minimum to assist him. He has to make a go of it on his own until he has some realization that he really can't live by himself. This often is just waiting for the disaster to happen.

Also, I wonder about his mental health status - dementia, anger issues, etc - which may need to be addressed. Is he under the care of a mental health professional?

When my dad had to move to assisted living it was a nightmare but he eventually begrudgingly went but I didn't have my mother in the mix. Unfortunately his stubbornness about being able to take care of her (she was frail and had dementia) had led to her death years before.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to jkm999
Report
apapane Feb 21, 2020
Thank. you so much for your advice and concern.
Good news, Mom has chosen to move into the care home.
My brother took her over, but Dad refused to go so they left him home alone. My brother will be checking on him regularly to see how he is doing and is safe.
We are hoping he will decide to join her soon.
(7)
Report
See 1 more reply
Oh boy, this question comes up all the time. I am so very sorry your family is struggling with this. Others who have been through a similar situation will have advice for you. I wish you all the best.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter