The best way to handle it is to not argue back. You must learn to just go along with whatever your husband is saying whether it is correct or not, because as you are learning(the hard way)you will NEVER win an argument with a person with dementia. Arguing only upsets you both and really isn't worth it. You MUST learn to pick your battles with him. It's time now for you to educate yourself about the disease of dementia, so you will be able to better help your husband on this journey. Teepa Snow(a dementia expert)has many great videos on YouTube you can watch, along with several good books she's written. Also the book The 36 Hour Day is a great resource as well. And if possible, find a caregiver support group in your city that you can go to in person or on Zoom. My support group literally saved my life when I was caring for my late husband and was at my breaking point. You can just Google to see if your city has any, as most do. And of course last but certainly not least, please take time for yourself to do the things you enjoy as you matter in this equation as well.
Care Needs · Recognize that receiving personal care feels intrusive · Reassure with your tone and manner · Do one thing at a time · Talk through the care “play-by- play” · Be aware of your body language and use it to communicate relaxation and reassurance · Be sincere · Use a soft, soothing touch · Be aware of the individual’s unique triggers · Be aware that a person with dementia may not accurately judge whether a situation is threatening to them · They may respond to fear, pain or anxiety by defending themselves with what we call “aggression” · If they become distressed, stop immediately and allow them time to calm down – don’t try to restart the activity right away You need to change your behavior to adapt to the dementia because the person with the disease cannot.
You can also watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to learn how best to interact with a dementia patient, how to help him shower when he refuses to, etc.
The 36 Hour Day is another excellent reference type book to have on hand at home to get many questions answered that you're going to have.
Alzheimers.org is an excellent website to peruse to learn all you can about dementia/AD, and they also have a free 800 phone number you can call to chat with a live person with any questions you have.
Here is the section from the booklet that discusses driving:
DRIVING The issue of driving is extremely difficult. Sometimes during testing, a physician will find that the person's spatial skills are such that they need to cease driving immediately. Other times, the family may want to curtail the person from driving because when they sit in the passenger seat while the person with dementia is doing the driving, they find their driving unsafe. One method of gradually ceasing the driving has been found to work well. A lady asked her husband once a week or so if it could be her turn to drive (her license renewal was coming up). She gradually increased the frequency of asking for her turn until she was doing the driving 80% of the time. Then she started to automatically head for the driver's side of the car whenever they walked toward the car, without saying anything. After about six to eight weeks, her husband always went to the passenger side and never again expected to be the driver. This non-confrontational approach is positive, but not always possible.
**************************** When dementia is on the scene, it is a loss for everyone; not just your husband, but for you as well. He's going to be sad & angry at times, and so are you. The best thing you can do is to get some respite for YOURSELF before you burn out; hire in home caregivers to give you a break. Go out to lunch, shop, speak to other adults w/o dementia for a well needed break from the repetitive chaos that goes on at home. Remember that YOUR life is important too, not just DHs.
Wishing you the best of luck learning all you can about dementia and taking advantage of the resources available to you. Forums are great, so is reading and education to familiarize yourself with what's in store.
You have two posts going at once; one about DH being sad/mad about not being able to drive and this one, about being argumentative. The best thing you can do is to learn all you can about dementia/Alzheimer's by reading and watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube so you can learn how to best interact with your husband now. Arguing doesn't work, nor does overly explaining things b/c logic has left the playing field. Dementia means your DH no longer processes information as you and I do; he's not capable of it. So your goal is to keep him calm and distracted from whatever topic is bothering him at any given moment; never to argue with him or to remind him of what he's forgetting or incapable of doing.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. There is a section in this booklet devoted exclusively to driving and how to best handle that subject:
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here: https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:
The “Dont's” · Do not reason and argue · Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve · Do not demand that they remember · Do not demand that they get their facts straight · Do not correct their ideas or scold them · Do not reorient them · Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose · Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to · Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care · Do not act with impatience
The Do's · Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world' · Be aware of their mood or state of mind · Use few words and simple phrases · OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions · Do everything slowly · Approach from the front · Wait for a slow response · Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK' · Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment · Maximize use of remaining abilities · Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real · Maintain privacy · Provide a safe physical environment
Language Needs · Use short words · Use clear and simple sentences · Speak slowly and calmly · Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer · Talk about one thing at a time · Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas · Use common phrases · Always say what you are doing · If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information · Wait patiently for a response · Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words · Speak softly, soothingly and gently
It's time now for you to educate yourself about the disease of dementia, so you will be able to better help your husband on this journey.
Teepa Snow(a dementia expert)has many great videos on YouTube you can watch, along with several good books she's written. Also the book The 36 Hour Day is a great resource as well.
And if possible, find a caregiver support group in your city that you can go to in person or on Zoom. My support group literally saved my life when I was caring for my late husband and was at my breaking point. You can just Google to see if your city has any, as most do.
And of course last but certainly not least, please take time for yourself to do the things you enjoy as you matter in this equation as well.
Care Needs
· Recognize that receiving personal care feels intrusive
· Reassure with your tone and manner
· Do one thing at a time
· Talk through the care “play-by- play”
· Be aware of your body language and use it to communicate relaxation and reassurance
· Be sincere
· Use a soft, soothing touch
· Be aware of the individual’s unique triggers
· Be aware that a person with dementia may not accurately judge whether a situation is threatening to them
· They may respond to fear, pain or anxiety by defending themselves with what we call “aggression”
· If they become distressed, stop immediately and allow them time to calm down – don’t try to restart the activity right away
You need to change your behavior to adapt to the dementia because the person with the disease cannot.
You can also watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to learn how best to interact with a dementia patient, how to help him shower when he refuses to, etc.
The 36 Hour Day is another excellent reference type book to have on hand at home to get many questions answered that you're going to have.
Alzheimers.org is an excellent website to peruse to learn all you can about dementia/AD, and they also have a free 800 phone number you can call to chat with a live person with any questions you have.
Here is the section from the booklet that discusses driving:
DRIVING
The issue of driving is extremely difficult. Sometimes during testing, a physician will find that the person's spatial skills are such that they need to cease driving immediately. Other times, the family may want to curtail the person from driving because when they sit in the passenger seat while the person with dementia is doing the driving, they find their driving unsafe. One method of gradually ceasing the driving has been found to work well. A lady asked her husband once a week or so if it could be her turn to drive (her license renewal was coming up). She gradually increased the frequency of asking for her turn until she was doing the driving 80% of the time. Then she started to automatically head for the driver's side of the car whenever they walked toward the car, without saying anything. After about six to eight weeks, her husband always went to the passenger side and never again expected to be the driver. This non-confrontational approach is positive, but not always possible.
****************************
When dementia is on the scene, it is a loss for everyone; not just your husband, but for you as well. He's going to be sad & angry at times, and so are you. The best thing you can do is to get some respite for YOURSELF before you burn out; hire in home caregivers to give you a break. Go out to lunch, shop, speak to other adults w/o dementia for a well needed break from the repetitive chaos that goes on at home. Remember that YOUR life is important too, not just DHs.
Wishing you the best of luck learning all you can about dementia and taking advantage of the resources available to you. Forums are great, so is reading and education to familiarize yourself with what's in store.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. There is a section in this booklet devoted exclusively to driving and how to best handle that subject:
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:
The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience
The Do's
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment
Language Needs
· Use short words
· Use clear and simple sentences
· Speak slowly and calmly
· Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer
· Talk about one thing at a time
· Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas
· Use common phrases
· Always say what you are doing
· If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information
· Wait patiently for a response
· Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words
· Speak softly, soothingly and gently
Continued.....