My two parents have had challenging problems/health problems for over 10 years now. My 83 year old ex military father is addicted to controlling my 79 year old, last stage Alzheimer's mother and both are in a privately run Assisted living about 1 or more hours away from me. Now my mother refuses to bathe, falls and has to have help in standing/walking most times and the Assisted Living threatens regularly but verbally to kick her out for violent behaviors towards staff during shower times. My father thinks it is my job to fix everything and find an immediate better place for both to live. He calls (using a staff cell phone) and says that I will be very, very sorry if I don't take care of finding a better place asap! I believe he is not getting the fact that my mother has entered the 7th stage of a terrible disease and is angry he can no longer control her or anyone else. My father sees Hospice 2x week. My mother does not qualify yet. Also, my father has stated to me that he will end his and her life if things get worse. What should I be doing?

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Well, unless you have siblings, it IS your responsibility to make sure they are properly cared for (which doesn't sound like that is happening where they are).

I'll assume that your father does not have dementia. That said, you must take his threat of suicide and killing you mother seriously. Even though it is probably just a 'shake-up' for attention, he may carry out his threat. He needs to feel like things are happening to better their situation. Reassure him that you are working on finding a better establishment and follow through soon. You may want to seek psychiatric help for him as threatening suicide is a cry for help.

I would see if there was a facility nearer you so, if you needed to go over there, it wouldn't be over an hour's drive just to get there. He seems to want to move so I would find a facility (as cwillie said) with both types of accommodations-memory care and assisted living. He sounds like he's ready to crack under the strain of feeling responsible for your late stage demented mother. I'll bet he'll do much better when someone "else" can do most of the caregiving for her and he doesn't have to watch her decline. He's also probably in his 'own' decline (if he's on hospice) and probably doesn't feel well enough to keep his strength up to 'care' for her.

If your mother is in stage 7 dementia, I don't see why she wouldn't qualify for hospice. Talk with her doctor and update him to her condition. Ask if she would qualify soon.It is solely up to the doctor's discretion if he thinks she might pass within 6 months. Since she has end stage dementia, her doctor can put her on hospice then renew it if she outlives the 6 month 'rule'.

Good luck to you all. It is very hard having the responsibility of two elderly parents.
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How does your father qualify for hospice?

Do you have siblings?

Did your controlling father give you POA?
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I think you need to get your mother into memory care, or perhaps a nursing home would be more appropriate; in my opinion you aren't doing her any favours keeping her in a place where they aren't equipped to take care of her properly. I think the ideal solution would be a multi tiered community where your father could live in the AL wing and she could be where they determine she needs to be but he could still visit, share meals etc. You also need to find a doctor who specializes in dementia behaviours - a gerontologist or a geriatric psychiatrist - who could try some medications that would hopefully smooth things out for your mom (and the staff).
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