What have you done to help recharge and reboot after a loved one's death?

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What have you done to help recharge and reboot after a loved one's death?

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Hi everyone. First of all, I can't tell you how much this forum has meant to me during the close to four years my 90-year-old French mother-in-law lived with us. It has kept my sanity intact, having the support of all the amazing folks here ready to jump in with a kind word and also knowing I was not alone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

MIL passed away peacefully with all of us by her side three weeks ago. We had placed her in a beautiful respite facility, for what was supposed by be only 5 days, and she never returned home. The ending weeks were heart-wrenching, she was in extensive pain, on morphine, hardly being able to get up on her own, having frequent delusions of seeing things and people that weren't there, and herself knowing she was dying.

Having been so up front and center through her dementia and strife has been one of the greatest challenges of my life. At the end, I felt at peace that we made the right decision to bring her from France. I don't feel I will look back at these years with anger and resentment. But it has taken a toll on my physical, emotional, and mental state. I have an amazing husband and I know we will slowly get back to a greater sense of normalcy, but I am not there yet. Sometimes even, I suppose you feel guilt after a loved one passes and wish you had been more patient, or had focused on their good qualities instead of the difficulties.

Some memories are still very fresh. When MIL heard crows in our backyard, she would scream at them - she was convinced that they were children yelling at each other across either side of the fence and couldn't understand why they weren't getting together to talk. So that memory is still ever present - and I think of this scenario of her ranting every time those crows are doing their thing. I feel this will dissipate over time.

I am mostly posting to find out what did you do to heal and feel whole when a loved one passes? What helped you the most? What are the best ways to recharge and reboot?

End of Life Family Caregiver Grief

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While caring for both of my parents I planned to travel the country in an RV. Learned everything I could. Planned and planned.

At at one point Mom wanted to do this too....but it was quickly obvious I could never separate her from her healthcare.

i was gutting and rebuilding a motor home a few hours a week when I could leave them in the care of two home health aides.

After they passed....I worked full time on the RV for a few months and then hit the road. Been traveling every since. 2 years now. Yet, everyday I find myself talking to Mom and pointing out interesting things to see and do on the road. I sure miss her, I always will.

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Build a new normal. Consider things that you have never done before, that you wanted to do, places you want to go, etc.

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Find something that feeds your soul - road trips/gardening/reading/lunch with friends, etc. Slowly you will regain more of yourself and hopefully your memories will be good ones. Caretaking is hard and all caretakers can feel good that they did the best that they could. Blessings.

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I just lost my mother two days ago. I'm lucky to have good people around me who check up on me. I have only talked to my brother once and haven't even seen him since she passed. I'm relieved that she isn't suffering anymore and it appears that she went peacefully in her sleep. I knew it was going to happen but didn't think it would be this soon. I don't regret anything. I did the best I could for her. As far as recharging I have no idea what I'll do. Just move on with my life I guess.

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For me, I found that I needed to go through my mother’s belongings and sort them quickly. I just intrinsically knew it would be better not to drag it out, it just hurt to do so. Within a week or so of the funeral, I’d sorted most of it, gave family things they wanted, donated her clothing to a women’s domestic abuse shelter, and kept a few treasures for myself. I did a lot of private crying, in the shower, mowing grass, times when I was doing something mindless and would just think of mom. And slowly, the tears became less and the smiles more as good memories came more to mind. Focusing on the positive and good memories, and going to places you enjoy really helps. It honors a life you loved to go on living, remembering what you learned from the person you so loved. Blessings to you

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I second cmagnum's advice. Is there something you have wanted to do but circumstances wouldn't allow while caring for MIL? Do that.
Life is new again. Take advantage of that.

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I spent over 20 years glued at home helping dad with mom and then dad. In the end, both became bedridden, etc... Mom passed away 7 years ago, dad 2 years ago. The house and land still going through probate. I’m an introvert in my early 50’s who always dreaded changes or new things.

As a teenager to my early 20s, I always wanted to travel and to volunteer at the hospital. Now, I shudder thinking about anything dealing with caregiving... I now overnight every other Friday with fave sis to get away from stressing over oldest sis staying with me.... I’ve been traveling every year now courtesy of airline ticket gift certificates from my work... Trying new things helps.

Memories will always pop up. On a recent trip, I went to a botanical garden. Memories of mom popped up in the orchid garden. Instead of bringing thoughts of those caregiving times, I remembered how much she loved those orchids.... Just do the things you always wanted to do but never could because of the caregiving. I did it slowly since it’s my nature to resist changes. But I’m getting there... Once you figure out what you want to do now that you’re free of caregiving, you will too.... I’m glad you were there for your mom. Now it’s your turn. Hugs!

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Well intended caregivers are managing their own grief while caring for a loved one. We do the best that we are able. Don't look back. As a retired hospice RN,bereavement coordinator, and caregiver to several family members, I reinvested myself in volunteer activities which helped fill the time that I had been involved with the care of my spouse and parents. Initially, the activities where low emotional expenditures which got me away from the house, but allowed me to manage my own grief in small bites until I was ready for more emotionally charged activities.
Eventually, I let go of many of the volunteer opportunities while coping and regaining equilibrium of my own.

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I remained working on this forum - In answer to your question "what have you done ...............?"

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Gardening and collecting seashells at the beach.. just watching the waves break relaxed and revived me. Restored.
I also did a lot of volunteer work at animal shelters in my area, the local university’s botanical gardens and teaching therapeutic yoga at non profits.

I wish you the best 🙂

What have you done to help recharge and reboot after a loved one's death?

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