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My lifelong narcissistic mother passed. I thought all my problems were over. But I still have this mostly unexpressed anger that she took so many years of my life! I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis ten years ago. I spent ten years making a narcissist happy.

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I am not one to hold anger or grudges as the only person it hurts is ME. The person that I would be angry at does not care.
This is more true in your case.
Your Mother was a narcissist and if you let her drive your anger still she wins again!
Don't think of the years that are past...think of all the things you can do now and not have to worry about ...
explaining yourself, defending yourself, running errands, denying your own needs mentally, physically and emotionally.
Take your life back and don't let her ruin what is left.
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HisPathway77 May 21, 2019
the best answer so far. Thank you.
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Ten years? True narcissists make their victims lives hell for their entire lives. You wrote that you,"spent ten years making a narcissist happy." If your mother was abusive, which is the center of narcissist existence, then you were abused your entire life, let that be your motivation to break away from current toxic relationships.
Perhaps avoid using "could" or "should," since victims of abuse have their decision making capabilities stripped from them. As a survivor, I learned to never doubt my decisions, sine they were made during a different time, under a set of different circumstances. The word "should" caused anger, since should = not going to change. I "should have" or "could have" are the most dangerous, since the circumstances in your life were different during that "should have" or "could have" realm. To rid yourself of anger, understand that you were conned into thinking that the abuse was your fault, which helped distroy your ability to make basic decisions; since narcissistic abusive Asshats, scream at us no matter the decision we make. Evaluating results, concrete results of those decisions helps to negate the screaming for making the decision. Now that she is dead, you'll connect more dots in your memories and will understand why weird things happened. Anger fades, when you have abuse removed from your life. It takes time, focus on the future, and upon learning how to navigate life with M.S. Auto-immune incurables seem to occur within bodies of those who have been abused, by douchebags. Personally whilst in the midst of a narcissistic cesspool, I had a stroke. I'm exiting the anger phase, since now, their douchebaggery has finally faded, they were exercising their narcissistic manipulations while I was hospitalized, and continued through my move into an old farts home, I'm 48...old, yet still cognizant? My counseling degrees are filled with recommended resources found on Amazon: two books, collectively provided more insight than my M.S., and M.Ed. Counseling Psychology degrees (formal education): 1). Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft 2). Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.

I'm guessing that -->you spent more than 10 years dealing with psychological abuse? Following other recommendations--> the idea of finding a counselor is excellent, More specifically a trauma counselor, or a counselor familiar with psychological abuse.
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keepingup May 20, 2019
Believe it or not, Screennamed, you made me, helped me, laugh out loud. I love your language. I tend to put things in very soft, I guess acceotable, ways. Some of your sentences I found myself saying, H---, yes! I don't want those memories of injustices to come flooding back. I just want to make the best of what's left. I have found a psychotherapist who I trust. And while my mother was alive I read Susan Forward, and I held onto every revised interview she did. But I almost think a narcissist takes away your ability to listen, because you're too busy responding, pleasing. I am listening now. Thank you for your answer. Maybe I can speak in a more direct manner going forward....thanks to you👒
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Anger is part of the healing. Get it out, I have found a nerf bat and a pillow really get rid of the pent up emotions and don't cause damage or a mess.

Use the bat and tell the pillow everything you could never say with each and every wack, let it out and let it go. Do this as often and as much as you need to, it will help you feel better.

Hugs, it is time for you now. Don't give her any more of you then you already have. It's over with her, make this about healing you.
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Lostinva May 18, 2019
Good ideas, I just go take a shower & bawl my eyes out!!!
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I'm so sorry for your chronic condition. MS is a devastating disease.

"I spent ten years making a narcissist happy." I understand the feeling. Except my narc was never happy, never satisfied. I sacrificed childhood and the best years of my adult life trying to appease her. I was duped.....and it doesn't feel good. The negative feelings don't always pass with the parent or the parent's loss of cognition.

Mom is still with us. She has dementia and mostly cannot help what she says or does any more. But I still find myself angry at times for losses that can never be "put right." Loss of innocence. Loss of self, time, and peace of mind. Ruined chances. Ruined relationships. Decades of anxiety and depression.

At times, self-loathing nearly ate me alive. I played right into her hand. As a kid and young adult, I was her enabler, believing everything she said, because moms never lie, right? (sarc). As a child, I couldn't help it. As an adult, I should have got a clue.

Keepingup, don't let your mom rob you from the grave. Whatever time you have stretches out before you. Live it. Resolve to be happy, free from toxic feelings. A life well-lived may be your compensation. (((Hugs)))
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Lostinva May 18, 2019
Can’t dance, wonderful wonderful post!!! Thank you!
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I'm so sorry. I know that feeling and went through almost the same situation. I threw myself a little bonfire party. In a bucket of sand LOL. I wrote down all of the things she had saddled me with being on slips of paper: Stupid, selfish, lazy, uncaring - and of course her favorite phrase of 'you'll spit on my grave'. She handed that one out like Pez because it worked on the whole family.

Anyway, I lit myself a little fire and took those slips of paper and I burned them. I forced those perceptions of me out of my life one by one. I had to. I literally thought I was going to die before her from stress. I could feel the rage ebb with every single one that burned. They had no power over me anymore.

Then I took one piece of paper and I wrote in big red letters; FREE!! I keep it in my wallet and whenever I look back and I'm tempted to feel guilty, or useless, or a disappointment it's a huge reminder to let go. It's not your disease. She created it and she owned. Let it stay where it belongs.
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Lostinva May 21, 2019
Wow! Thankyou for that! Sure needed to hear it today, bitterness, anger & tears were my day!!
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Dear keepingup,

I'm so sorry, I know hard it is to be the primary caregiver to a parent that doesn't appreciate you.

The anger is real. I think we all secretly hope that our parents would express some love, acknowledgement and validation for our efforts. So many daughters give their time, their efforts, their money even to help their parents.  Its hard not to relive that all even with their passing.

Please know you are not alone. There are many people who understand. And if you want maybe consider going to grief counselling or joining a support group in the community.

I can't tell you how many times I visited this forum for support and encouragement after my father passed.

I hope you will allow yourself to feel whatever you want and know its only natural and normal after such a long journey with a parent.

Thinking of you.
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keepingup May 18, 2019
Thank you, cdnreader. I think the anger wells up whenever self pity does, i. e. could have, should have. And I am learning from people like you that there are too many blessings NOW to let those feelings steal time left. Your kindness gives the journey a "night light." Be well yourself. Hugs
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Volunteer.

Give to others. Give your time, your expertise, your money. Help those who are less fortunate.

Move forward —-don’t trap yourself forever in your sadness from the past.
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Elle1970 May 21, 2019
I would think that the OP has given more than enough of herself already - she said that her late narcissistic mother robbed years of her life.

On the other hand volunteering can be beneficial. One year I had a huge row with my narc father and I was told not to come home for Christmas. Not wanting to sit home with a bottle of wine and turkey meal for one I volunteered with a charity that gives Christmas dinners to the homeless annually. I found it a very positive experience because I witnessed first hand that obnoxious aggressive behaviour is not acceptable. Anyone who behaved aggressively and upset everyone else was told to leave. I had grown up seeing my family tolerate aggressive behaviour from my narc father every Christmas. If he had attended that dinner he would have been thrown out.

OP take time for yourself, get massages, join a painting class, do whatever YOU want for a change. If you're up to it you might find T'ai Chi beneficial. It isn't like yoga and meditation where you have to stay still, with T'ai Chi you are moving but it is a very focused movement.
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I think anger is part of grief, or so I've read. We still grieve a parent, even when they are narcissistic, (Hell, we spend our whole lives grieving the absent parent bond). Your anger cud be from living life without that precious bond, how it affected everything for us, & now it's over, but no closure. I feel for you, & will tell you how I heal day-by-day: I accept God's sovereignty in my life, & His ability to give the love & security we missed out on. That's a gaping hole that no therapist can fill. Just sayin'😔.
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Harper93 May 21, 2019
Thank you Tiger55. I'm not the OP but you reminded me of the fact that you grieve never having a parent. I know what phrase I'm still going to have to burn. The one time I ever remember my Mom saying I love you was when I took her to the doctor to refill her Xanax. She was hooked for 28 years. He pulled me into a side office and started questioning me like I was the one who was taking them. I broke down and sobbed and told him that Xanax was the one thing that made her bearable. She would take too many and sleep for 4 hours. Oh, and she would run out of them predictably at 5:00PM on Friday and her doctor's office was 90 miles away.

God bless him, he simply said 'It's okay.' When we got her refill there were 300 Xanax in two bottles the size of Gummy Vitamins. She cried and told me she loved me for talking the doctor into that many. It still hurts that it's the only I love you that I can ever remember. I'm letting that sucker go asap. Thanks xx
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so now spend time learning to make you happy. give yourself the gift of therapy. most insurance covers it.
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Of course you are angry - you have been caring for a self centred and unpleasant person not only for the last ten years but for as long as you can remember. You do not have to feel guilty about being angry or for any other emotion you feel including hatred. You didn't ask for this and you have been made to live through it. BUT you are free now. You can try counselling - or I would personally try hypnotherapy from a properly qualified hypnotherapist, not an "I promise to make you feel wonderful" one. Or you can simply accept that this person has caused great problems in your life but you are not going to dwell on them or try and give them reason. You don't need to so you aren't going to. Every time you get a negative thought tell yourself it is not important and do something to take your mind off it. Book a holiday to do something you have always wanted to that would have been disapproved of, get a dog and enjoy walking and the freedom to do it - anything that YOU want and have wanted. She cannot hurt you anymore you have total permission to do exactly as you feel and want to.
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ptreyesbunny May 21, 2019
"Simply accept that this person has caused great problems in your life buy you are not going to dwell on them or try and give them reason" Wise advice! Thank you. I spend way to much energy fighting old memories that take me over and have me reliving the trauma. I think it's because there was so much gaslighting, the abuser telling me that didn't really happen or you are making to much of it. But, now I also see I am trying to figure out why they did it. I will focus on being free of "giving them reason". Thank you again.
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