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Mom was sent home with 3 weeks to a month tops to live. Breast cancer metastasized to the bones. Very aggressive!! Dr. told us it was fast spreading and to take her home with hospice care and get things in order. It’s been a year and a half. Yes I said 18 months. She’s is doing better than me and my sister who have been splitting day and night shift with a sitter for 4 hours a day. What do we do? Me and my sister who drinks and is drinking even more now are exhausted and defeated. She works full time goes home 2 to 3 hours and spends nights with mom. We’ve sacrificed everything to let mom stay at home to end her days. Mom has done nothing but improve but is bedridden. I’m sure has nothing to do with cancer. It’s lack of rehab and want to. Hospice doesn’t offer rehab for her. We’ve tried thinking she could get independent enough to stay alone some. She can walk assisted a little. She does not have the use of her left arm which makes things more difficult. She has started getting on a potty chair but can’t get the depends back on. Things like that. My sister is falling apart and bitter, We both are. I don’t know what to do anymore. We don’t have a lot of money for sitters. Average $10 an hour so $80 a night just for her to sleep at her own home. I handle the day shift and also keep my granddaughter who is 18 mths. I have a day sitter for 4 hours. And I’m still exhausted. “I’m your mother” is my moms favorite quote which I totally block out anymore. Also “I’m the one with cancer “ is the other one. All the while getting waited on hand and foot. Hospice comes 3 days a week for baths. She thinks we owe this to her. I’m sorry I sound so harsh. She doesn’t even acknowledge the sacrifices we have made for her truly. I quote “She’s the mother with cancer” I’m married 33 yrs 2 daughters and a grand baby. All have sacrificed. I know the perfect answer is “stick her in a home”. We have 2 facilities near by and both have a 1.5 rating. Any other suggestions? Almost sure she’ll outlive my sister and me at this rate! We are both in our 50’s. I just got my 2 children grown, educated and on their own. Was so looking forward to do what I wanted to do for a while. Help!! Thanks for reading. Sorry so long. I could go on and on. Wishing for my life back. Thank you for letting me vent. I just know there’s a an answer out there somewhere.

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Okay, here's a little stress buster you can use for yourself.

When she says, "I'm your mother!"

You say, "Are you sure? Cuz, I am only taking your word for it."

When she says, "I have cancer!"

You say, "I think they read someone else's test results. Because you're 15 months past the expiration date."

Being a mother with cancer does not give her the right to devour your life, your sisters life and the lives of everyone that doesn't get to be with you because of her.

You are an adult woman and no longer subject to her authority. Not when she has abused it so.

I would tell her that she has done this to herself by not putting forth any effort and you have paid her anything you might have owed her. So knock the crap off or you get to go to a facility with a 1.5 rating and that sounds to good for her, based on what she has/is/will do if not stopped.

You are seriously going to have to put boundaries in place, because she will make a statistic out of you and your sister. Your sister is already self medicating because of this woman called mom. What needs to happen before enough is enough?
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Nothingleft Dec 2021
Thank you. I know your right!!
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So, to continue...
Your mother controls you through Fear, Obligation and Guilt. She's done this since your dad died, 16 years ago.

You and your sister need to call the Hospice Social Worker tomorrow tell her/him that your ability to provide home care for your mother has ended. A facility needs to be found immediately.

If nothing else, have mom go to Respite for 5 days (this covered by Medicare hospice services). During those days, you can find a better placement than exists nearby.
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Nothingleft Dec 2021
Thank you so much for your response!! I so much appreciate it. It’s so hard anymore to just get out of bed but I do it for my grand daughter! My sweet angel!! She gives me reason and hope!!
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Bluntly - I'm you - another 2-3 years in the future. Except mine may not have the more extreme diagnosis. My FIL is also of the belief that care is owed to him. He lucked into having a situation where he got his care for free (long story but the short is another sibling needed a roof over their heads and he let them move in and they are now 'stuck' there) He feels THEY owe him 24/7 care but at the same time that has bled over to ALL of us owing him care. He never had a plan for his long term care - it was always his children. Even now when there is no one to provide his care (one of them has to have surgery soon and of course the rest of us can't be there 24/7) the FOG machine is turned on full force.
We are JUST now really beginning to understand the full impact of this. He had a lifetime to condition my DH and his sibling to do his will - their childhood and adulthood was spent training them to feel guilty for not doing what he wanted when he wanted and they had an abusive childhood that taught them to fear their father and immediately respond to his demands, so it has taken them both a long time to even recognize that they do it.
As a result, it is an uphill battle to even get either of them to say no. That coupled with his sibling living there still and having some financial dependency muddies the waters of moving him into a proper living arrangement - to the point that DH and I have nearly walked away to leave them to their own devices a number of times because our 'obligation' is far less here. But we feel a sense of solidarity with them and can't seem to bring ourselves to do it. So we all roll around in the mud together until the other shoe drops and we can finally use the system to our advantage.
I've learned a lot here and frankly we are fully prepared with the emergency room dump and "unsafe discharge" and his sibling knows when the time comes they are on their own as far as figuring out their own living arrangements from that point on.

I guess my point is this - it sounds unfortunately - like you have a situation on your hands much like we do. I hate to use words like manipulative and guilt but some people are really good at it. My FIL has had a couple of varieties of cancer at different points - all very mild, easily cured and completely gone now - but he still constantly reminds us that "I HAD CANCER" because it is his sympathy card. It's not even "I HAVE". Some people no matter what their circumstances just want to make sure you live in misery with them. My FIL's multiple doctors do not know how he is still alive with everything that is wrong with him. And they say he could die tomorrow or live another 10 years.

As is evidenced by the fact that they gave her just a very short time and you've already had nearly 2 years with her, you already know that this could continue. I certainly don't mean to sound heartless. But as caregivers you are already seeing that it can hugely impact your health. What happens if your sister gets sick? Or ends up in the hospital? Is it safer for your mother and better for you and your sister to have somewhere that she has 24/7 care and you can just have your time with your mother as your mom?
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Nothingleft Dec 2021
Thank you so much for responding to my situation. I’m so sorry your in one similar. It all seems so unfair. The guilt!! The struggle!! Day in and day out. I’ve always tried to be a good daughter with nothing too n return. I just so much want my life to be my life!! There is is no my life!! Everyday is the same over and over!! God help us all!!
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The boat is sinking fast here. Either many more hands are needed or pull into shore.

The 'more hands' option appears already at capacity.. so I really don't see any option but the other.

What is driving you & sister to keep going this way & not change course?

You mentioned having Mom spend her days at home...

This is a very common thing that most people want when ill or faced with a terminal illness: to feel at ease, secure, comfortable in their own home. It is also very common for people to want family to care for them.

But families differ. Some can take on this heavy care role & some simply just cannot. And for those that do, they are all human & every human will have a stopping point.

Another way to think about is - you & your sister have given your Mom a truly wonderful 'Gift' : of staying in her home for as long as possible.

You have reached the end of *possible* now that's all. So Mom will need to hire copious amounts of help or move into care for the last bit.

Think of this as 'The New Gift'. Yours & sister's visits/help but with round the clock care too.

This involves some letting go, probably many tears & then acceptance.

Peace to you.
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Wow. It's incredible how selfish some parents can be. Why in the world would she want your life to suck so bad??

So, you do not owe her anything! Everything you do for is your own choice. You are clearly burnt out and need a break. I would say your relationship isn't that great to start with so besides more complaining, making some major changes will not necessarily change how you feel about each other.

Does she still qualify for hospice? Does she still have terrible cancer still?

If the nursing homes close by are lousy, look further out. You don't have to visit every day or any more than you really want to. You can call and check in, etc.

It's rough when you are told someone is going to die really soon. You do everything you can cuz you "know" the time is so limited. That pace could only be kept up for the short term. Not for 18 months. It's time to set some boundaries. At the very least, get her somewhere for respite care but really I think she needs somewhere permanent. If she doesn't have enough money for hiring home health aides, then there really is no choice.
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Isthisrealyreal Dec 2021
People like this is where the saying, "Misery loves company" came from.
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If you can get her in one of the nearby facilities, (even with a lower rating) you and your sister could arrange your schedule to monitor her care on a daily basis. Give you and your sister “breathing” room and benefit from the 24/7 support. Reserve your energy.
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my2cents Dec 2021
Agreed. It would eliminate the whole overnight care when she's probably sleeping anyway.
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Your sister is drowning and you are close behind all because neither of you want to place mom due to guilt and fear.

Your sister is in crisis and destroying herself. Trying to figure out how to get her to keep doing what you both have been doing for the past year and a half is not working and is not the solution.

You both need to come together and have a talk with mom about what this is doing to both of you and what the next step will be for the preservation of your sister and your mental and physical well being.

Mom may have been given an expiration date by a doctor which she surpassed by 15 months but only two of you are dying right now and mom is certainly not one of the two people.

I never understand why the senior never seems to care about what their children are going through in trying to make them happy.
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rovana Dec 2021
So many people are selfish, have been life-long, and continue on that path. Having kids does not change that.
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In your previous posts, you said that you did not the majority of the caregiving. Now it's one of your sisters that works fulltime and then has mom-duty at night? Does she turn her every 2 hours during the night?

What happened to your other sister, as you mention having 2 sisters in a previous post?

You were at the end of your rope back in early 2020. So what has changed, other than it's one of your sisters that is now at the breaking point? (I hope there isn't a brother/s in the family doing absolutely nothing.)

Your mother has been expecting servitude since your father died 16 or so years ago. Isn't it time to stop that?

If you won't place your mother in a facility, then I don't see much changing.
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CTTN55 Dec 2021
Oops...too late to edit, but the first sentence should have read,

"In your previous posts, you said that you did the majority of the caregiving."
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You said the 2 facilities close are rated 1.5. Just remember, most people post when they are mad, a lot of satisfied people don't think to post a rating. I hope this doesn't offend you, but her attitude seems to be a 1.5 or less. You are both burned out, and the fact that hospice hasn't suggested she be re-evaluated, is unbelievable.
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Nothingleft Dec 2021
Thank you for replying. No offense taken. No worries. It is concerning they haven’t suggested. Since she’s only improved. That’s definitely on my list after Christmas.
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In February of 2020 you wrote:

"My mom had a mini stroke in November. She was in ICU for 3 days, hospital 1 week, and rehab a week. She has no damage from the stroke. Nothing showed on cat scans. They changed her bp meds and she returned back to the hospital for complications. Meds adjusted. She can't lift her left arm, her hand works nothing to do with stroke. The nerve is compromised between her c5 and c6. Problem is when she left the hospital my sister and I decided it would be good for mom to come home with me for a couple of weeks to get her strength back. It's 5 months later and she still here. I'm at my wits end. I've never been so exhausted in my life. I cook, clean, take her to dr. Appts. Everything! My sister comes by 2x a weeks and gets her in the shower. That's it! She doesn't want rehab, refuses to get an MRI on her neck to try and get her arm working and wants me to do everything. I try to explain that she has to get up and move around to get to feeling stronger and build her stamina back up. She still says she can't walk stable even though the 2x she had in house rehab she did just fine. They put her on blood thinners and she complains its cold even though I keep it warm to the point we closed our vent in our bedroom because it's too hot. She wants to just sit in the chair and do nothing. Insist she can't. I'm so frustrated and tired. I can't do this anymore. I'm so mentally and physically drained. It's getting worse every day. I try to explain that we've got to get her back home and get thing back to normal. My dad died 15 years ago and shes always depended on me and my sister for dr. appts. Groceries, yardwork shopping, everything. Then we would get the guilt trip constantly. I dont feel like cooking can you bring me something. This got to be almost daily. It's always been something. As if we dont have a life. Im so tired of feeling guilty. I'm tired of her sucking every drop of energy I have left. I beg my sister for help and tell her I'm so stressed out to the point my chest hurts. I dont want to get up in the morning knowing it starts all over again. My sister comes by 2x week and give her a shower paints her nails brings her goodies talks to her like shes a baby, spoon feeds her and yes I said spoon feeds her. I try to tell her this is wrong and it makes my job harder. She actually lives 1 street over from me and can only help 2x a weeks for a max of 1.5 hours . Shes works 8 to 3 no husband no kids just her and her dog and I don't work. So she justifies it that way. Ive always been the one to do everything for everyone because "i don't have a job". I just want my mother independent and back in her home so I can have my life back. I want to help my daughter and help her get ready for my 1st grandbaby. I have always been close to my daughters we would always do everything together. I miss that so much and they do too. My husband has been so understanding until now. Its putting a strain in our marriage. He sees how this situation has turned the longer it goes on. She doesnt want to be left alone. Shes scared she might fall or she doesnt feel good. Wants to know how long I'll be gone. I cry myself to sleep. I dont even fix my hair anymore. I rarely get out of the house. I'm losing my will and feel like it's all hopeless anymore. Someone please give me advice. I don't know what do. She wouldn't go to her last dr. Appt to do bloodwork. I had to reschedule it. I have 1 daughter at home that works and is about to graduate. She sees the stress I'm under and tells me this is wrong that nobody helps me and how my mom acts like she cant do anything for herself. Can you bring me this or will you hand me that constantly. Now she will actually call me on my phone in the house and ask me to do something for her. I feel so guilty for my feelings. I have so many mixed emotions. It's only been 4 months and I'm falling apart. I'm seriously considering a psychiatrist."

Have you EVER said " no" to your mother?
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rovana Dec 2021
I nearly was hooked into a situation similar, but fortunately I went for counseling to the pastor of my parish and asked what the moral law in these kids of situation actually was. I asked for the simple truth, no matter how harsh. Was I surprised (and my life saved)! Of course not everyone has the same religion, but I think it is wise to go to your clergyperson/spiritual counselor in order to find out what moral theology actually requires (not the folk traditions which are generally crippling and not theologically sound in most cases). Sound knowledge can liberate you from FOG. You can see it for the manipulative lying it is. This is sure one case where "the truth shall make you free."
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