Both my parents are alive and in their 90’s. They live in a very small tiny home in a crappy rural town with no care services. I’m too old to care for all their needs but they expect me to do it all. They can’t afford any kind of assisted living or nursing care. Now my mother has a malignant tumor in her breast. I’m getting exhausted with all the driving and care. She is showing mental decline too. What do you do with parents who need to be in a facility but have no financial means?

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The financial means becomes Medicaid. That’s exactly who and when it was designed for. My mother required nursing home care, and it soon became necessary for Medicaid to kick in. Her care never changed. She remained in the same place, same room, same caregivers, same everything no matter how her care was paid for. Please don’t let your parent’s expectations rule here, your own health matters too.
Helpful Answer (18)
Reply to Daughterof1930

You apply to Medicaid for them. That's what it is for. Visit your local Agency for Aging and see what resources are available for your parents and to give you a break. It sounds like it is time for them to go into a facility.

By all means don't carry this by yourself. It's way too much for one person. Wishing you well as you find help.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to golden23

Good Morning,

Half the country is in this situation. It's quite common. Just a few things that came to mind...
*sell their house
*move both of them closer to you
*check out respite services for the person the parent that is better health
*have parents' primary care doctor do an assessment and write a script for homecare--VNA--nurses, occupational therapy, physical therapy, home blood draw, meals on wheels (some are better than other), mail-order prescription, have everything delivered.
*sounds like one may be eligible for a nursing home
*when you move your parents "register" them both in a Church and have the Parishioners come each week to bring them Communion, a bulletin and a prayer.
My mother loves this--9 people rotate and each week they come for 15 minutes on a Sunday and visit. Rain or shine, sleet or snow, they are even coming on Christmas Day! Mom gave them a poinsettia yesterday. There are a lot of wonderful people out there. It gives them ties to the neighborhood too.

You have to go where the services are. Lord forbid if something happens to one and you are not there and mother is unable to dial out. Will they wander. The fact that you are on this site you're wondering this yourself. "What leaves the stove or or goes out without a winter coat in this "rural" town.

Don't get discouraged. Not everyone (myself included) is able follow the advice of Suze Orman. If my parents would have listened to her, I would not have been born since my parents had 5 pregnancies in 10 years. Point being, don't feel that because there is not a lot cash stashed away, you are out of luck, you are NOT.

Really know what is available through your parents medical insurance--durable medical equipment, OTC benefits (over the counter drugstore things) now dental is being offered on some plans for 2023.

As far as the house--would it feasible to rent it out for top dollar to someone who won't trash it or should you sell. Speak to an elder lawyer and the Nurse Manager at the primary care doc usually has a lot of resources--agencies.

Join the portal--this is the best thing. You can email the docs rather than waiting by the phone. The portal is great, you have up-to-date info and know the results as soon as possible for bloodwork.

Keep the blood draws to a minimum and make sure they don't torture your parents with multiple blood draws, Tues., Wed. and Thurs. Keep a list of any meds for each parent on the refrigerator and one in your wallet. Also include on list emergency contact. This needs to be done until you get them placed.

You didn't mention which State your were in?

Also in every neighborhood you get these wonderful people who sometimes have a nutty grandson. Word gets out if elderly people are alone. It's not like years when the neighbors knocked on the door and handed a plate of food in.

They need protection too. You are on the right track on this site. But a plan needs to be in place that works for your particular situation.

You are in my prayers...
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Ireland
Kimbof Dec 5, 2022
Just saying sometimes the Suzie Ormans and Dave Ramsey’s get on my nerves.
Have them apply for Medicaid to assist them in their long term care whether it be in a nursing home or at home.

That is the only option I can see.

Good Luck!
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to MeDolly

Find an elder lawyer for assistance. The lawyer can help them apply for Medicaid. The home will need to be sold. Find a Medicaid accepting facility near you so that you don't have to drive long distances to see them.

Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Jamesj
my2cents Dec 5, 2022
You don't have to pay an atty to help apply for Medicaid. It is a free service you can apply for without legal (paid) help. Usually people use elder atty to apply for Medicaid when their income is slightly over the limit and they need to set up a trust to offset the overage. Also the home does not have to be sold. There is a section of the Medicaid application that asks if they intend to return to the home. Saying yes excludes the home while they are alive. There is also a MERP document, recovery of expenses, that would be signed dealing with the 'leftovers' of their life (what would be in a probate) at the time of death. The state could claim all or part of the leftover at the time of death, however there are certain situations where they would not do so. Such as a child who lived with them to care for them, keeping them out of a facility, for years preceding entry into a facility. Only leftovers that do not have designated beneficiary(ies), such as life insurance, move to probate and considered part of the 'leftover' estate.
Ma’am I would call Hospice in the nearest large town and see if they can offer remote services. They may be able to provide advice on this situation. Hugs and prayers your way.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Kimbof

Your town may not have resources, but the state does.
preach out to churches, aging council, elders programs. There is help out there, you will have to dig deep to find it.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to CjLandry

There is a group, called Palliative Care. They are similar to Hospice, but not. They are very cheap, if anything. As long as you have been a working American citizen and paid taxes, you are privy to them. I would look on line, or at your local hospital.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to WendyP

Talk to their doctor. He or she can direct you to social services to help with other care options. Please be truthful with your parents that you are getting tired and need extra help. The tiredness is burnout. Getting them help from others (other family members, friends, members of faith community and/or paid help) will help them - and you - to have better quality of life.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Taarna

You might have to start with Social Services. But I know there is help
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to WendyP

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