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MIL is 96. We just heard she will need to pay $1,000 per month to be eligible for Medicaid for 5 years in the state of Washington. That gets her nothing but eligibility. I think it's because she paid one son for rent, food, etc.


We don't have $1000/month for 5 years to give her. My husband is willing to find a way. We are in our mid 70s. I don't want to risk our savings. We have already given her a large amount of money for an emergency, plus helped during respite visits.


Do I need to hire an attorney to protect my assets? Do I get a financial separation? My husband just threatened to take me to leaders at our church, but he won't even reason with me to set a reasonable financial boundary.
I'm open for advice.

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Your DH is reacting in "panic mode" so to speak - because he's been given advice that implies that his mother won't be taken care of if he doesn't act now and pay.

Your best option is to see an Elder Care attorney that is well versed in the requirements of the state you live in. If there is a "gifting" situation during the typically 5 year look back period prior to applying for Medicaid, the state requires that to be paid back or care to be provide in-lieu. There is something called a "penalty divisor" which is used to calculate how much is "owed" if gifting occurs in the 5 year look back period. The Penalty Divisor varies by state. But the basic idea is that you take the total amount that was gifted across all sources, and divide it by the Penalty Divisor.

The example that is on the Medicaid site is for Florida for a total gifting amount of $115,000 during the look back period. The Penalty Divisor is $10,438 for Florida. So the "amount penalized" is $115,000/$10,428 - which equals 11.01 months that someone would need to pay for care or provide care before Medicaid will be approved.

You can find this information on the medicaidplanningassistance.org site.

You mention that a Social Worker quoted you $1,000 a month. that seems odd and even low to me based on what I understand about gifting and penalty divisors.

But the reality is that you should see an elder care attorney. If your MIL paid her fair share of bills while living with BIL- you should be able to show documentation of what she paid and what it was for. That would hopefully negate the "gifting" issue. But if you would have to have proof of the payments and the usage.

My first thought was - why are you and your DH on the hook for $1,000 a month for FIVE years (that doesn't sound right to me unless gifting was astronomically high and even then it wasn't gifted to YOU, it was gifted to BIL correct?)
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igloo572 Feb 7, 2025
The 1K figure absolute makes no sense to me.

If the issue is about a “gifting” issue so mom gave $ to the other son (OPs BIL), uncovered in the required lookback that caseworker does for LTC Medicaid applications, that is a transfer penalty and 100% done as you so aptly posted. It won’t be 1K.

There’s a communication issue on what’s what.
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Yes, you better see a lawyer and get a financial division of your assets tomorrow. The Lawyer can freeze your marital assets to prevent Husband from taking the cash anyway!

Nor should you both pay $1,000 a month for 5 years out of your own money! That is $60,000 you need for your own old age. Where is MIL's money? She must have Social Security or some income she used to pay her son rent. Apparently that money falls under "gifting" and prevents her eligibility when she needs it.
A good Elder lawyer should be able to guide you.

Your husband "threatened to take you to the leaders at your church?" What a joke.
What can they do about it? NOTHING. Let the church pony up $60,000!

Tell your bully husband to talk to your divorce lawyer. His Mom probably won't last another 5 years. He made vows to you, not his Mother. Where is MIL staying now? If he puts his Mother over you, I'd divorce him.
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MelissaD2539 Feb 7, 2025
I would not refer to her husband as a "bully" - he's a panicked and scared man, worried about his mother's welfare. I'm finding a lot of these anti-church messages really hateful and unnecessary. While she does need to find an elder care attorney first, there is nothing wrong with also working with your partner to resolve it without resorting to divorce, and also finding strength, support and prayers via the church.
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I am in agreement with YOU that you do not risk your savings for your own aging. It takes an entire lifetime, good luck, and lots of coupon clipping to get any kind of a nest for retirement.

If this is a deal breaker then I would get a divorce and a division of assets that way. Thing is, this is sort of an either or in which you are a loser. It is very expensive to live apart. Two households with two sets of utilities and two cars and two this and that and everything else. Many people stay together, in fact, because they cannot AFFORD to separate.

You are in a dilemma. This is what happens when there is "gifting" to family.
Not everything can be fixed, but any husband that thinks to take me to church leaders? Yeah. I am divorcing him no matter WHAT IT COSTS. And "good riddance to bad rubbish" as my bro always used to say about awful people.
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Hiker75 Feb 3, 2025
I'm getting a Marriage Counselor for myself-to help with conflict resolution.
Today, I found a better source for my husband to get better information-it's the Center For Aging in MIL's hometown, and they can look up her information and connect him to someone who can work out the finances. I also know someone who does this kind of thing for a living, but it's not in her state. I'll consult with him. Initial info came from a Social Worker, for the Home Health Agency they're looking for. She has a monthly income that is $200 above what Medicaid allows. Will also ask him to consult with a Certified Medicaid Planner.
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I apologize to all who responded but I had to react to this quote from the OP.

“…and will have my husband call them to get actual information.”

You cannot CONTINUE to take the back seat on this. This is YOUR future. YOU need to see an eldercare attorney ALONE, at least for the first meeting.

“Thanks for all the information!!! My husband is working on it!”

This is NOT good news. You complained that your husband was going to override your decision and now you are gleefully “handing him the keys to the car!”🤦🏻‍♀️
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BurntCaregiver Feb 7, 2025
@MissesJ

I totally agree. This is not good news. The OP should not just fall in line with what her husband decides. He can do what he wants with HIS disposable income. He has no right to expect his wife to contribute to his mother's care bill. He also has no right to expect her to have a reduced lifestyle because household money is going towards his mother's bills.
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There are other ways to handle this besides bankrupting yourselves. If you are in your mid 70's, you don't have time to make up the money for your own care. If your husband is giving his mom that much money and then needs care himself, he will be penalized for gifting money and end up in the same boat as his mom. Has your husband hired an Elder Lawyer for his mom? If not, he needs to. An Elder Lawyer can help him figure out moms situation and options. Make sure the brother that received rent money from mom is included in the meeting with the lawyer....because that is what has caused her penalty period with Medicaid.

Really...he is going to tattle to the church? Please. Would he be willing to fork over $1000 per month to support one of your family members? I doubt it. First of all, I wouldn't tolerate being talked to like that from my spouse. It's "our" money and security you're giving away, not "yours". Statistically you will out live him and be stuck with the financial mess he creates. If push comes to shove, do what you need to do to protect yourself.
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Because you apparently are a church-going person, you need to consider where faith factors into your situation: every Christian believer at some point experiences where the rubber meets the road. Do you believe that the Lord can sort this out? Can He work out your marital issues? Your financial issues? Can He find a care solution for your MIL? The issues you both have are not about "submission". I would ask the elders to pray (along with you and your husband) for answers regarding your MIL before reacting.

In scripture, while Jesus was dying on the cross, he entrusted responsbility for his Mother to his apostle John (John 19:26-27) and not to his any of his siblings, even though there are more than one place in the Bible where is instructs believers to care for their parents. Just pointing this out because often God's solutions are not obvious or logical ones to us, or on our hoped-for timeline .

Having been on the elder board of my church for several terms over the past 25 years (and my husband as well) I cannot imagine they would do anything but refer you to a marriage counseling.

Here's a suggestion: if your MIL is 96, consider having her assessed for hospice, which would be covered by her Medicare. Then she wouldn't need Medicaid.

I wish you patience, wisdom and peace in your heart as you prayerfully seek the Lord's guidance.
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Hiker75 Feb 3, 2025
Thanks! I'm more at peace. I found The Center on Aging in her town, and my husband can call them and get more accurate information. Hopefully a Certified Medicaid planner. In her state, she can use Medicaid for living at home, which is where she is now.
I do have a lot more peace today. I have found a few Marriage Counselors I can meet with-just need to choose one. With God anything is possible. He's done so many miracles in our lives. This is just a hurdle, and with His grace, and great advisor's help-we'll get over it. My BIL is working really hard at caring for her in the home they rent together.
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Yes, you need an Elder Lawyer to sort this out. If this is the penalty, I think you can keep MIL home for the penalty period and then apply for Medicaid again. Her SS and any pension she may have will be used for her care too.

You do need to have your assets split. If DH wants to use up his split on Mom, then so be it. If you have SS, pension, 401k or IRAs in your nsme, you should not need to use them for your MILs care.
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Hiker75 Feb 3, 2025
MIL makes $200 over the allotted amount to qualify for Medicaid. I reached the Center For Aging in her town and will have my husband call them to get actual information. The initial info came from a Home Health Agency's Social Worker. We're not at the point she needs Medicaid. I just need a clear picture of what's ahead. MIL's health worsened significantly lately, but is improving again.
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Your husband is going to tell on you to the church? What kind of a husband does that? Remind him that you are not a child to be told on and that he is your husband. NOT your father.
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TouchMatters Feb 8, 2025
He won't care.

The issue here is what this woman will put up with (and why if she does) and how she decides to protect her own assets.

A therapist may help her figure out what she wants to do. Gena
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Wait, if your MIL was paying to live with her son, that is totally legal and should not incur a penalty period for Medicaid.

I would encourage you to tell your husband that he and BIL need to go see a Certified elder law attorney and figure out how to deal with this before they start dishing out their own retirement funds.

If BIL doesn't want to take this action, well, he probably has something to hide and that means he can foot the bill solo.

Perhaps the elders can convince your husband that he is not supposed to be a tyrant but, a loving husband to his queen.

Prayers that this can get sorted out without a war.
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Hiker75 Feb 3, 2025
Thanks for your prayers. I'm willing to help financially but I need to know there's a ceiling. I heard gifts can be given to parents up to a certain amount which changes each year, and that it doesn't affect taxes. I found the Center For Aging in MIL's city-and they can look her up, and connect us with a financial person who can figure it. MIL has monthly income above what is allowed for Medicaid. I think it can be figured out. But I'm connecting with a marriage counselor tomorrow to get help in conflict resolution.
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Hiker75: Retain an attorney. YOU should never touch your hard-earned financials. To do so would jeopardize your own elder years.
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