This is what my friend did:
Set date for move in
Hired movers and informed them that moving into facility and take pictures of how to set up furniture to look like it does at home.
Inform facility when movers would be moving items in.
Take dementia patient on long ride, day trip including a meal out.
Upon return "home" arrive at the facility calling it "home".
Lead dementia patient to room and refer to it as "home".
Use sentences like:
Oh I'm so glad to be home.
Oh home is so nice and comfortable.
Oh look my comfy chair is in my home.
My friends mom didn't know she had been moved.
Helpful Answer (30)
Reply to Ohwow323
TouchMatters Mar 6, 2024
Brilliant as well as succinct.
This is exactly what I would do.
Like the man at the memory care facility talked to said, "No one wants to come here."

He suggested I do it his way. I had POA, I called 911, told the dispatcher I had POA, I was his wife, he had Alzheimer's, and he needed to go to the hospital for an evaluation. The medics came, wrapped him in a sheet (because he was fighting them) and took him to the hospital. The plan was to have the Memory Care pick him up from the hospital. The main thing was I had POA.

BUT.... we found out his kidneys had failed and he had only 10 days or so to live, so I brought him home. With my grandson and hospice to help me he lasted 5 days. A side note, his family called me all kinds of horrible names. I had to let it roll off my back.
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Reply to MaryKathleen
DrBenshir Mar 5, 2024
God bless you for your strength and compassion not only towards your husband but for his family. They obviously lacked your grace. Wishing you peace!
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You don't give us much information to go on, but if your husband is at the point that you feel he really needs to be placed in a memory care facility, then it's you that makes that decision and not your husband.
Most folks that I have known that placed their spouse, made sure that their room in memory care was set up ahead of time with things their loved one liked, and then they told them that they were going to lunch, which just happened to be at the memory care facility.
And once lunch was over the aides came and said that they were going to show the spouse(being admitted)around the facility, while the other spouse snuck out of the facility.
And of course it's always recommended that any family members stay away for a week or two to allow their loved one time to adjust to their new surroundings and the folks now caring for them.
So long story short, your husband no longer has a say about what he does or doesn't want to do.
You now have to do what is best for the both of you.
I wish you the very best in getting him placed.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
cover9339 Mar 6, 2024
This still sounds similar to a story of parents that committed their son to a mental facility. They did roughly the same, as the son called out their names as they left.
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This Is so difficult. My mom refused to leave the house. Unfortunately I had to wait for something to happen. Two weeks ago she became physical ( I have bruises) with me and I called 911 she went to the hospital. Now she’s in rehab. She is not going home and going to memory care. She and we are at risk. This has been actually relieving to me. She will be at a safe and healthy place.
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Reply to Arkh64
Daughterof1930 Mar 6, 2024
I’m glad you will both be much safer now. I wish you healing and peace
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If he needs Memory care, he no longer can make informed decisions. You now make them especially ifbyou have DPOA. If not, your his wife and should have no problem getting him in MC. Its not what he wants but what you need.

If u go this route, see an Elder Lawyer to have ur assets split.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to JoAnn29

I never told my mom it would be permanent, it was for “a while”. She agreed to go to rehab for a short stint but her situation is that she has zero sense of time. After 6 months of being there, she still thinks she just got there so when she asks how long she will be there, I tell her “at least two weeks”. She frowns a bit but says ok.
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Reply to Lovemom1941
Anabanana Mar 7, 2024
Same. I needed her to stay for a little while so I could have a knee tweak. Given that she’d lived with us for 17 years but swore it was only 2-3 weeks, we figured we could work that “little longer” angle. She’s in a very small care home and sometimes thinks it’s a bed and breakfast. Been there 2 years.
Good question. I actually gave up fighting with my aunt. She's in her own house, on her own and on her own terms. I don't like it, but nothing that I can do. I'm told as long as she's coherent, nothing I or anyone can do.
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Reply to Tiredniece23
MargaretMcKen Feb 23, 2024
What are 'her own terms'? Do they include you waiting on her? If so, one thing you can do it stop. If she's coherent, she may come to her own conclusion that she needs to move.
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I am thinking about this issue in my husband's and my future. My husband, mid stage Alzheimers, sleeps in upstairs bedroom. He is physically able to manage the stairs. I had the one door to outside replaced with a window a couple of months ago for defense against elopement (which hasn't happened yet).

I have M.S. and avoid the stairs. I go up on all fours and scoot down on my rear, for safety. His bedroom was beginning to look like a mini hoarding situation. I have been preparing a downstairs room for his eventual occupation. Last week, my favorite aid and I sorted through half of his horde in preparation for that transition. It told quite a story about the state of his mind. It also angered him. He was fuming the next day. I explained as best I could that I had to adapt this space in order to make it manageable for me to keep him home longer. That didn't sooth him much. When I told him that when it became unmanageable for me he would need to move to memory care because 24/7 care at home would wipe us out financially. He said, "I WILL NOT go." I said, you won't have a choice if you won't cooperate with me on making our home work for both of us.

Who knows if that will impact his cooperation down the line? He has calmed down about the current changes. I have mentally prepared myself for lots of resistance. I think Mary Kathleen's strategy was very resourceful. I'm tucking that one away for future reference. I personally don't want to do it in crisis, if possible.

Best wishes to you and your husband.
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Reply to Debmiller
DrBenshir Mar 5, 2024
I expect to face this situation. I have told my husband and our kids that if I cannot care for him myself, we both go into AL at a facility with a continuum of care. I hope that will be an easier transition for when he needs higher level supervision than I can give him.
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Has he received a diagnosis of dementia? What is his current level of cognitive function? Are there concerns about his safety, either towards you, himself, or others? Are you considering Memory Care (MC) exclusively, or is Assisted Living (AL)/Memory Care (MC) a possibility? Is he aware of his cognitive impairment?

These questions needs answers to enable us to assist you and you to make a decision. Regardless of the degree of cognitive decline, suggesting a change often meets resistance. Elderly individuals are particularly averse to change, and when compounded with mental impairment, it can evoke even greater fear.

As 97yroldmom mentioned go visit a couple facilities, that will give you some additional information.

Please know that this might be a decision you will need to make without him.

best wishes.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to SusanHeart
Lushan Mar 5, 2024
My husband did’t want to go to the doctor for assessment or diagnosis. He has all the symptoms of demantia and has progressed rapidly in the last few months. He wants me to help him with everything 24/7. Day and night. I am physically and mentally exhausted He gets confused what to do once he wets the diaper. He fell three times in two weeks in the mid of night, and I ended up injured myself with herniated disc by trying to get him up from the floor It’s been five weeks and I’m still in pain here and there with help of the chiropractor. I am currently Searching memory care in assisted living facilities, but I can’t tour the facilities until I can walk without the support of walker. Every time I mentioned
ALF he would screamed and yelled “shut up” “shut up” !!!
Do I have to have official assessment from doctor to put him in memory care? I do have POA though. Thanks for any suggestions I can get.
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My BIL was like that refusing to go into a nursing home of any kind. He has dementia and was doing somewhat good at home but we had ring cameras in his dining room where we could see what he was doing in kitchen and living room. Also had one in his bedroom. He could get around fairly good would go on walks to the store by himself.

But when he fell outside and laid on the ground for 30 minutes until his neighbor found him, the family decided then it was time for memory care at the nursing home. He first went to the hospital because of that fall where they said he either had a heart attack or small stroke. From the hospital he went right into the nursing home. We had the room set up like his living room with his recliner, tv, and his own bedding on his bed there. Later the family put in a small fridge for his pop and water, they put his hats on the closet door then put pictures on the walls. He had his home phone there but that was taken out because of financial reasons but he still had his cell phone.

He has been in the nursing home memory care now for a year going on two. He still asks when can he go home but he forgets it right after it is said. His short term memory is gone.

Yes it is expensive but he is on medicaid along with social security and his pension pays for his room there. And I signed over the responsibility of the financial to the nursing home because of his family turning me into DHS twice and once to social security. The turning into social security was my last straw with those family members because they said I went on a lavish vacation with his entire finances.

So when the time comes you are thinking of him and yourself because if you can't take care of him where would you be or him. Its better to be safe.

Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Babs2013
CharlieSue Mar 7, 2024
Amen Babs, you did good!
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