I am the primary caregiver for my father, who is 84 years old. His health is at a point where he is unable to dress and bathe himself and he can only walk short distances. Also, he has trouble walking around my home because it is two stories and he is afraid of walking down the stairs. He is also very stubborn and refuses to follow his diet regiment or my assistance when he needs to bathe so he goes weeks without bathing. This is one of the reasons his health has declined because he has repeated bouts of gout due to his dietary decisions (his gf brings him food that initiates his gout). At this point, I can no longer continue to be his caregiver due to financial and emotional issues ( I need to go back to work to make money and he has been threatening to call the cops on me to report elder abuse whenever he does not get his way ie. he demands that I drive across town to get his a specific dish for him to eat and will not eat what I have at home).
He has Medicaid and Medicare and has been approved for 4 hours of nurse assistance every day and he qualifies for housing assistance. He has had housing assistance at a senior community apartment before but he lapsed on payments because he went to go live with a girlfriend. His girlfriend left him so he had to move in with me.
I am not sure what steps I need to take in order to get him to a place that will provide care for him. Do I need to contact his Medicaid caseworker? Do I need to formally evict him from my home?
Thank you for your help.
Its time for Dad to realize he’s not going to be the ruler of this little kingdom much longer. His one loyal subject is going to help him abdicate his throne and call his caseworker. You and the caseworker are going to get Dad re-approved for housing assistance again. Then you and his caseworker will find a place for him. Because of his behavioral issues, I’d guess he is beyond living independently. He may even qualify for Memory Care. Poor hygiene can cause infections which make behaviors worse.
What you do from here is up to you. You will most likely get lots of advice from us but whether you decide to take it is up to you. If you don’t step up and take action things will not change for you. It’s truly up to you.
Call his case worker and get him back into senior housing. You do not need to tell your father that you are moving ahead with finding him other living arrangements. Until things are settled and he's been approved for whatever level of care he needs, just keep to yourself.
You must inform his case worker that he threatens to report you for elder abuse and invite the case worker in ASAP for a meeting in your home. Let the case worker observe his behavior and ask questions. You must start protecting yourself with documentation.
Stop enabling his bad behavior. Learn to say "No, dad, I don't have time to drive across town right now. I have a nice meal planned for us." If he threatens to call the cops, hand him the telephone. Your father is a real piece of work! Get him out of your home and take back your life.
Yeah, the remark about calling the cops would push me over the edge. That is what did it for me.
When my brother threatened to call the cops on me because mom stirred up so much crap, I finally woke up and told mom to go live with my brother and SIL if she felt they could do a better job. He played the hero by rescuing mom and I was off the hook.
Of course, I had already cared for her for nearly 15 years in my home. Mom is 94 so he won’t have her as long. He may end up placing her somewhere. I don’t even have contact with them.
It’s truly sad. Still, I got my life back and overall relieved. No one can honestly say that I didn’t do my part. I feel full time caregiving can destroy relationships.
Look at what Tacy went through when the caregivers put her through being investigated. I’m so happy her name was eventually cleared but she endured a year long investigation that was a freakin nightmare!
You have been kind. He is taking advantage of your kindness. He is also bullying you. Put a stop to it before it gets any worse. Contact your case worker and begin a plan.
No need to discuss it with him until everything is finalized, then tell him, “Dad, this is going to be your new living arrangements. I am going to live my life separately.”
Wish him well, if you like then off he goes. So sorry that you have had this heartache. Take care and best wishes to you.
Yes, he will need to be evicted if he is receiving mail at your address unless you can get him to move voluntarily. Does he pay rent? After you serve him notice, you should not accept rent. If he is paying rent, he has more rights. I assume there is no written lease? If there is then you will need to follow the terms of the lease.
I would take him to a geriatric doctor for an evaluation and check up. Tell him there is a new gout med you heard about. If he is deemed competent then you will better understand how to proceed with the eviction. Since he threatens you with the police, I would make sure to cover all bases legally to save you drama. Get your ducks in a row before making threats.
Have him tested for a UTI which can cause dementia symptoms. Have his Uric acid tested and see if he is a candidate for a maintenance med for the gout. A person not in pain is more pleasant to deal with. Remember that trying to convince a demented person that their memories are false will never work. Their brains are broken.
Praying for your sanity,
If AAA determines he needs a guardian, they can help you obtain it (if you wish) both by filing the actual petition (and saving you the cost of an attorney) and recommending you to the court. AAA doing the investigation also saves the cost of an guardian at litum to determine your father needs a guardian.
I have a nephew, 32, nice kid but he still lives home. Why does he still live home? because Mommie does everything for him. He gets 3 meals a day. She demands nothing out of him. I think his GF of 5 years may have broke up with him because he shows no initiative. Still working at the same job with no way of going up. He is not interested in going to a Jr College or College. Me, my girls moved out when they could. Both with good jobs. I never asked for room and board but I did want my house kept clean. No dishes in the sink, clean up after ur self. Bedroom decent. They were living in my house my rules.
As said, if u have no POA then allow the state to take over. They will be able to get resources faster than u can.
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