Follow
Share

I am the primary caregiver for my father, who is 84 years old. His health is at a point where he is unable to dress and bathe himself and he can only walk short distances. Also, he has trouble walking around my home because it is two stories and he is afraid of walking down the stairs. He is also very stubborn and refuses to follow his diet regiment or my assistance when he needs to bathe so he goes weeks without bathing. This is one of the reasons his health has declined because he has repeated bouts of gout due to his dietary decisions (his gf brings him food that initiates his gout). At this point, I can no longer continue to be his caregiver due to financial and emotional issues ( I need to go back to work to make money and he has been threatening to call the cops on me to report elder abuse whenever he does not get his way ie. he demands that I drive across town to get his a specific dish for him to eat and will not eat what I have at home).


He has Medicaid and Medicare and has been approved for 4 hours of nurse assistance every day and he qualifies for housing assistance. He has had housing assistance at a senior community apartment before but he lapsed on payments because he went to go live with a girlfriend. His girlfriend left him so he had to move in with me.


I am not sure what steps I need to take in order to get him to a place that will provide care for him. Do I need to contact his Medicaid caseworker? Do I need to formally evict him from my home?


Thank you for your help.

Find Care & Housing
You are very accommodating to your father. Did you actually drive across town to get him that favorite dish? You tolerate his girlfriend bringing him unhealthy food and then have to care for him when he gets sick from it. You’ve taken him in when he broke up with another lady friend. He tells you what will be, when it will be and how it will be, and if you don’t say “how high” when he says “jump!” He threatens to call the police and report you for abuse which is not only insulting and ungrateful, but ridiculous as well.

Its time for Dad to realize he’s not going to be the ruler of this little kingdom much longer. His one loyal subject is going to help him abdicate his throne and call his caseworker. You and the caseworker are going to get Dad re-approved for housing assistance again. Then you and his caseworker will find a place for him. Because of his behavioral issues, I’d guess he is beyond living independently. He may even qualify for Memory Care. Poor hygiene can cause infections which make behaviors worse.

What you do from here is up to you. You will most likely get lots of advice from us but whether you decide to take it is up to you. If you don’t step up and take action things will not change for you. It’s truly up to you.
Helpful Answer (18)
Reply to Ahmijoy
Report

Not just accept but also make yourself scarce during the 4 hours of daily nurse assistance. Let the nurses do their jobs - personal and oral hygiene - and write their notes. If they write that your father is uncooperative and refuses basic hygiene care, then that is valuable information for his case worker.

Call his case worker and get him back into senior housing. You do not need to tell your father that you are moving ahead with finding him other living arrangements. Until things are settled and he's been approved for whatever level of care he needs, just keep to yourself.

You must inform his case worker that he threatens to report you for elder abuse and invite the case worker in ASAP for a meeting in your home. Let the case worker observe his behavior and ask questions. You must start protecting yourself with documentation.

Stop enabling his bad behavior. Learn to say "No, dad, I don't have time to drive across town right now. I have a nice meal planned for us." If he threatens to call the cops, hand him the telephone. Your father is a real piece of work! Get him out of your home and take back your life.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Nov 14, 2019
NY,

Yeah, the remark about calling the cops would push me over the edge. That is what did it for me.

When my brother threatened to call the cops on me because mom stirred up so much crap, I finally woke up and told mom to go live with my brother and SIL if she felt they could do a better job. He played the hero by rescuing mom and I was off the hook.

Of course, I had already cared for her for nearly 15 years in my home. Mom is 94 so he won’t have her as long. He may end up placing her somewhere. I don’t even have contact with them.

It’s truly sad. Still, I got my life back and overall relieved. No one can honestly say that I didn’t do my part. I feel full time caregiving can destroy relationships.

Look at what Tacy went through when the caregivers put her through being investigated. I’m so happy her name was eventually cleared but she endured a year long investigation that was a freakin nightmare!
(10)
Report
Do you really want to live with your father’s emotional blackmail because that is basically what he is doing?

You have been kind. He is taking advantage of your kindness. He is also bullying you. Put a stop to it before it gets any worse. Contact your case worker and begin a plan.

No need to discuss it with him until everything is finalized, then tell him, “Dad, this is going to be your new living arrangements. I am going to live my life separately.”

Wish him well, if you like then off he goes. So sorry that you have had this heartache. Take care and best wishes to you.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Report

I had a problem with getting my dad (a staunch, very opinionated, retired Marine) into a nursing home. He loved his farm, although he did no farming, and wanted to live there forever and die there. Well he ended up in the hospital for pleural effusion and had a hard time breathing. When it was time to be discharged, the doctor told him he could not go home because it was not safe there for him and he needed to live somewhere to be continually watched and monitored 24/7. He argued with the doctor, he wanted to go home to his beloved farm. The doctor repeated that he would not discharge him to go home and told him he had to live where he could get help when he needed it. I was working at the time and could not take him into my home. So since his doctor told him he could not go home because it wasn’t safe for him, he finally agreed to go into a very nice nursing home. He was 81 at the time and he lived another year and a half there, but for me it was such a relief that he was being watched and monitored, was given his meds at the appropriate times, and he was eating prepared, nutritional meals regularly. I was no longer practically begging him to go to live there, but as he saw it, it was the doctor who he could blame for taking him away from his farm, and not his daughter.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to ShaLee
Report
kricketina Nov 19, 2019
Thank you for sharing. This almost exactly my Dad's story (minus the ex-Marine part - thank you for his service). My Dad is in skilled nursing now after several bouts with pneumonia. It is near his small farm and he has friends who are in the same facility. Maybe it won't be so bad. I needed to here this today as he is trying to get the doctor to send him home, but they won't (he is there on his own volition even though I am a POA). Fingers crossed it works...
(1)
Report
Here is a link that lists the services available in Houston. It shows the various senior center locations and a guidevto other resources.

http://www.houstontx.gov/health/Aging/index.html

Yes, he will need to be evicted if he is receiving mail at your address unless you can get him to move voluntarily. Does he pay rent? After you serve him notice, you should not accept rent. If he is paying rent, he has more rights. I assume there is no written lease? If there is then you will need to follow the terms of the lease.

I would take him to a geriatric doctor for an evaluation and check up. Tell him there is a new gout med you heard about. If he is deemed competent then you will better understand how to proceed with the eviction. Since he threatens you with the police, I would make sure to cover all bases legally to save you drama. Get your ducks in a row before making threats.
Have him tested for a UTI which can cause dementia symptoms. Have his Uric acid tested and see if he is a candidate for a maintenance med for the gout. A person not in pain is more pleasant to deal with. Remember that trying to convince a demented person that their memories are false will never work. Their brains are broken.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to 97yroldmom
Report

Are you his durable PoA? If not and he refuses to give you this authority then you can choose to pursue guardianship but this requires time and money and happens through the courts, plus you will still be wrangling with him for every little thing. Or, you can allow the county to take guardianship over him. This means they call all the shots and are acting in his best interest. Family will have no say in where they house him or his care. But he will be cared for and he won't be able to blame you for anything or demand you do things for him. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Geaton777
Report

Not having ever faced the issues you mention, I would think you should start with his Medicaid Caseworker. And you might need an Elder Attorney.

Praying for your sanity,
linda
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to RayLinStephens
Report

It is your home. Set house rules and make sure he follows them. If he won't, get the state to help you move him into a long term residential facility. Not bathing him, giving him food that creates gouty conditions may be considered neglect/abuse. Do what is right and don't let him manipulate you with temper tantrums.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Taarna
Report

I suggest contacting the Area Agency on Aging and requesting a needs assessment and assistance placing your father in an appropriate apartment or LTC if the needs assessment determines he needs it.

If AAA determines he needs a guardian, they can help you obtain it (if you wish) both by filing the actual petition (and saving you the cost of an attorney) and recommending you to the court. AAA doing the investigation also saves the cost of an guardian at litum to determine your father needs a guardian.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to TNtechie
Report

To be the way your Dad is there has to be some dementia involved. The best way to get rid of someone is to make it hard for him to live there. Treat him like a child because that is how he is acting. Tell him GF cannot come over until he bathes. (maybe if u make it hard to see her, he will move in with her) No, you will not go across town for that "special" dish. Tell him gas cost money which is in short supply. Set boundries. When he threatens to call the cops, let him. When they come, tell them to take him. If they do, don't take him back and for the reasons u discribed, mainly you need to work and you can not leave him alone.

I have a nephew, 32, nice kid but he still lives home. Why does he still live home? because Mommie does everything for him. He gets 3 meals a day. She demands nothing out of him. I think his GF of 5 years may have broke up with him because he shows no initiative. Still working at the same job with no way of going up. He is not interested in going to a Jr College or College. Me, my girls moved out when they could. Both with good jobs. I never asked for room and board but I did want my house kept clean. No dishes in the sink, clean up after ur self. Bedroom decent. They were living in my house my rules.

As said, if u have no POA then allow the state to take over. They will be able to get resources faster than u can.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

See All Answers

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter