I'm going to presume I come from either a very "respectful" or a as well as one that truly did not have PC. This is something that drives me bananas. Growing up now matter your age or that of your elderly, it was expected that we refer to Mr/Mrs..... IF we were allowed to call our elder by their 1st name depending as to the relationship with the family, Aunt....or Uncle... otherwise Ms ....or Me .... Even at my age, I refer to my elder as Ms or Mr..... My Mother/Mother/step-father are referred to as Momma/Pappa by the staff at the assisted group home. When I visit every month (I live out of State) I refer to all the other residents as Ms or Mr. My favorite resident is Ms Francis...she's waiting for her Mom to come pick her up. Love her so much. Out of respect to the caregivers, I also refer to them as Ms/Mr using their 1st name. They are taking care of my Mom and step-father, they too deserve respect. Now a family member such as my Mim's youngest brother....I'd call him an old geezer....he's family and we have a great Uncle/niece relationship and always have. Respect has flown out the window. We raised our daughter about respecting people and it has really helped with her occupation....Registered Nurse. She loves the geriatrics and children. Old people and dogs love her. Always think how you would feel if you were disrespected just because of your age and a need you never thought you would ever need in your entire life.
I get what you are saying InMyShoes, I tend to use it to describe people like my mother who, except for the time she is lifted into her chair, would be totally bed bound. I don't use it to describe the people who can propel themselves by whatever means, even if they are no longer walking they are certainly not bound in place and dependent on others.
cwillie Wheelchair bound is a touchy subject for me. Long story short. Four of my siblings needed lifts to get into and out of bed. They were dependent on others for all their care.
One brother lived in a board and care facility that tied him to his chair to keep him from walking. He was removed from that facility when found out. We found a much better facility. He truly was chair bound.
I don't like the word wheelchair bound because the wheelchair is what gave my dad freedom. The only way he was able go anywhere was because of his wheelchair. He was able to go to church every week. He was an inspiration at church. So many people can up to talk him before mass. Thank God for his wheelchair.
What drives me nuts is when my husband refers to my parents as "geezers." I hate that word because to me it is disrespectful. He says it is a perfectly fine word and it is in the dictionary and it doesn't say that it is derogatory. Yes, but it seems disrespectful to me. My parents are "elderly," "senior citizens," "mature," but I would never call them "geezers."
I used "geezer" one time in a public meeting, and got put on TV! Evidently, even though I consider myself a geezer, and therefore something of an authority, some people think it's an offensive term. Aha! I did a Google definition search, and it's a term applied to males, like "dude." So I guess I don't qualify after all. Alas.
I think it all depends on the person you are talking to.
Some people are very hypersensitive about certain language and other people do not care.
Some people like to be called: honey, doll, sweetie. Others find it condescending.
I think if you use a word or a phrase, and get a negative reaction, then do not use that particular word or phraseology again,
What I really think is important, and another poster already mentioned this, is to always be aware of what you say in front of the person.
Never assume they are deaf, sleeping, disinterested, unable to understand or anything else, when you have conversations in front of them, about them.
With that said, I once told a 98 year old woman that she looked amazingly attractive for her age. She really got annoyed by that and chewed me out, even though I meant it as a complement.
She had beautiful skin and hair, and as we all know we will not all be so lucky at her age.
Still, I never used that language again. Now I simply tell the elder person they are beautiful, if that is the truth.
Please continue ! with beautiful/beautiful skin/beautiful eyes/beautiful hair but you may not want to say beautiful teeth just in case they werent born with them.
"Passed away" and other euphemisms coined by funeral directors. Use "died".
"Honey" "dear" "sweetie" "miss". Use "Ma'am" "Madam" "Sir" or the person's name.
"Diapers" - use "undergarments".
"Diabetic" - use "person with diabetes" and people-first language for any medical condition.
"Accident" or "incontinence" - use "bladder control problem" or "bowel control problem".
This is an interesting and important discussion. The way we talk about things matters. Taking command over the language we use to advocate for our loved ones and ourselves as caregivers, is essential in the struggle to have our voices heard.
Yes I did....dog gone auto spell. I do my best to edit as I go along and use the check icon so I have the correct word, but just like many of the issues talked about here....the older one becomes and eyesight just ain't cutting it...we/me will forget to verify.
Have you ever found yourself replacing a word for another because you can't remember the spelling of the 1st word?
Me......ALL OF THE TIME and I have a dictionary app on my phone!!!
dkentz72--I'm quite good at spelling (being somewhat of an "English nerd"), but I tend to leave out words or use them twice. I'm glad this forum allows editing after posting (but sometimes something STILL gets past me!). I especially find posting a reply on Yahoo difficult because one is barely given enough room to see one line at a time, so it's easy for a mistake to go uncorrected.
This is a behaviour I've noticed with just a few of the aides at mom's nursing home; talking about, over and around the residents like they are just pieces of the furniture. Granted many of them are hard of hearing or have dementia but the loud conversation I heard between 2 aides in the dining room today about the toileting of one of the residents should NEVER have happened. What happened to privacy, dignity and respect?
Blind vs. low vision Incontinent vs. frequent bathroom visits "You told me that already" vs. "that's so nice to hear; I appreciate your telling me that." Not wanting to eat vs. proper nutrition is important Hon, sweets, doll face vs. the person's given name Dumb-it-down speak vs. proper English
The philosopher Jean Paul Sartre once wrote, "Words are loaded pistols". Looks like our responses indicate that he was correct! The power of language.....
What a fun thread - I agree with many of the replies. Apron instead of bib will be so helpful. Clothing protector is the facility term but just a mouthful to get out. Once I read someone suggest life manager for care giver and I often use that term now.
The 1 that I like is the bathroom [literally] is called 'the spa' where mom is now - even better than 'the tub room'
Words shape our impression - if you go shopping with a child & promise a stop on way home for a treat .... is that a reward or a bribe? - depends on who is doing it - it is the same thing but 'reward' has a better feel than 'bribe' does - we drove 7 hours+ to our cottage several times a year so the kids were allowed once to ask 'how much longer' & first time when we stopped for our doughnut & 25 cents was deduced for each overage there after we could hear them negotiating between them who had used up their turn & who hadn't - so was that a 'reward' or 'bribe'? ... it doesn't matter it gave hubby & I some peace
OMG...what century is that Doctor living? Tell his nurse that you would appreciate it if she/he would make sure that the clip board...in large letters...you prefer NOT to be called Darling. Give the nurse a nickname you don't mind being called. Do this for each and every appointment until he just starts calling by the nickname or your name It's the Pavlov dogs effect.
Age appropriate words? What words or how did you answer questions when your child asked where babies come from?
My Mother, when I was in kindergarten when she was pregnant with my Lil Brother, told me that God places a seed inside the Mommy and Daddy waters the seed. Me...oh, it's good God puts the seed inside the Mommy so the birds don't eat it. I remember that discussion like it was yesterday! Our daughter...Mom, did your tummy split open when I was born? She was 8n the 1st grade. Me: no, my stomach did not split open. God give Mommies a special hole for babies only to come out when it's time for the baby to be born. Her: Oh, that's good Accepted answer. She did become very interested with the human body, so we let her watch a series on PBS about how the human body works....even the episodes about reproduction (my dad was the one who got all upset over that!).
Our daughter became an RN which she absolutely loves and has been for 13 yrs now. She became so interested with the human body she wanted to watch daddy gut the fish he caught! She even thought about becoming a Mortician, but way too much chemistry. She even asked the Mortician all kinds of questions, helped pick out her grandfather's casket when she was in 5th grade. My husband is Jewish so when we had the viewing she noticed grandpa had a cut on his face from shaving. The Mortician explained how grandpa's body must be cleaned because he's Jewish. Great! She thought that was cool.
You must decide how mature your child is to understand. If you feel he/she is able to understand that Grandma is just like a baby now. She can't get to the bathroom in time now, so she has to wear brown up diapers that look like pull ups you wore when you were little until you were able to wear big boy/big girl underwear.
Don't hide the truth, understand your child's ability to understand. You'll be surprised that you're the one who may be holding their understanding/knowledge back because your're not comfortable with your child growing up and wanting to know more about the world. You will need to think outside of your 9 dots if your child doesn't understand when you try the 1st time.
i love the answers and opinions in this thread. I am 68 years old, am in good shape. I was walking in the parking lot at Wal-Mart, and some 29-something woman was in her truck backing out of a parking space opposite me. She said, “Move your old lady ass out of my way.” Nice.
Hhahaha! Doncha love it! I think I'd slowly limp over, holding on to her truck for support and say, "I'm sorry, if you were talking to me, I didn't hear you very well, sweetie. Could you repeat that?"
I agree with almost everyone's pet peeves. I must admit once after a visit with my grand baby I was trying to get my mom to let me change her and said "Mom you have poopy pants". Luckily she laughed and when Dad came in to check on her and asked what she was doing she started laughing again and said she was getting her poopy pants changed. I was more embarrassed because I said it than she was. Thank goodness!
When I had to get a treatment for a back problem the doc kept calling me darling. I had the biggest urge to call him sweetheart each time he did. Darling is definitely on my list for what not to say!
Wow. Interesting thread. I live in the South, and though I find it really annoying to hear "darlin', sugar. honey and sweetie..." it's just a "Southern" thing I guess.
My Dad calls the staff "doll" -- he's a product of his era, I guess.
However, I agree with the whole baby talk thing (although we lovingly refer to his... member as a Johnson -- that's better than his other sailor friendly references).
I don't like the term "bib" or "diaper" or the condescending high pitched tone, but I say nothing. Dad likes his "soft underwear" and "shirt cover".
Dad responds to "air" instead of oxygen, and just because he can't hear... don't yell and enunciate words ad nauseum. It's so condescending...
I get what you mean about sometimes calling someone dear or love etc because they can't remember their names, but I've noticed that those with dementia will grin when the aides admit they have forgotten, I think it makes their memory problems feel less peculiar.
At both of mom's nursing homes staff will call people Mr/Mrs/Miss last name until given permission to use first names, either by the resident themselves or their family if the resident can't speak for themselves.
I'm with you on "young lady". Once I told a new hairdresser my age and then she started called me young lady. She coloured my hair nicely, but then put in all sorts of curls with the curling iron - all over my head.. I couldn't wait to get out of there and comb then out. I didn't go back. Combed out the style was fine, but!!!!
Here in the South, most of the nursing home residents where my parents live are addressed as Mr. or Miss with the first name. This is typical of how younger people address all people older than they who are friends of the family. I notice the staff also will call the women “Mama”. My mother doesn’t seem to mind as it is usually accompanied by a hug. I know there are some residents that they address more formally.
I noticed in my mom’s facility that the aides would often call the Senior residents “Mommy”. That-kind of confused my mom because she thought the person actually WAS the aide’s mom! 😊
When I speak to my grandsons about an elder, it’s always “Miss —-“ or “Mr.—-“ with their first names. I think that’s a fine way to show respect but not be too painfully formal.
So glad to know that "honey/sweetie/dearie" offends other people, too! All part of the process that robs seniors of their individuality and assumes it's OK to treat them like babies. Much prefer "ma'am" for general social encounters, or the person's actual name if there's any kind of relationship. I like the other poster's suggestion of "Miz xx": kind of combines warm familiarity with respect.
This is something that drives me bananas. Growing up now matter your age or that of your elderly, it was expected that we refer to Mr/Mrs.....
IF we were allowed to call our elder by their 1st name depending as to the relationship with the family, Aunt....or Uncle... otherwise Ms ....or Me ....
Even at my age, I refer to my elder as Ms or Mr.....
My Mother/Mother/step-father are referred to as Momma/Pappa by the staff at the assisted group home.
When I visit every month (I live out of State) I refer to all the other residents as Ms or Mr. My favorite resident is Ms Francis...she's waiting for her Mom to come pick her up. Love her so much.
Out of respect to the caregivers, I also refer to them as Ms/Mr using their 1st name. They are taking care of my Mom and step-father, they too deserve respect.
Now a family member such as my Mim's youngest brother....I'd call him an old geezer....he's family and we have a great Uncle/niece relationship and always have.
Respect has flown out the window. We raised our daughter about respecting people and it has really helped with her occupation....Registered Nurse. She loves the geriatrics and children. Old people and dogs love her.
Always think how you would feel if you were disrespected just because of your age and a need you never thought you would ever need in your entire life.
Wheelchair bound is a touchy subject for me. Long story short. Four of my siblings needed lifts to get into and out of bed. They were dependent on others for all their care.
One brother lived in a board and care facility that tied him to his chair to keep him from walking. He was removed from that facility when found out. We found a much better facility. He truly was chair bound.
That took care of that.
Aha! I did a Google definition search, and it's a term applied to males, like "dude." So I guess I don't qualify after all. Alas.
Some people are very hypersensitive about certain language and other people do not care.
Some people like to be called: honey, doll, sweetie. Others find it condescending.
I think if you use a word or a phrase, and get a negative reaction, then do not use that particular word or phraseology again,
What I really think is important, and another poster already mentioned this, is to always be aware of what you say in front of the person.
Never assume they are deaf, sleeping, disinterested, unable to understand or anything else, when you have conversations in front of them, about them.
With that said, I once told a 98 year old woman that she looked amazingly attractive for her age. She really got annoyed by that and chewed me out, even though I meant it as a complement.
She had beautiful skin and hair, and as we all know we will not all be so lucky at her age.
Still, I never used that language again. Now I simply tell the elder person they are beautiful, if that is the truth.
We can post what the answers could be, such as:
"It is Mrs. B to you!" "You young whippersnapper!"
How's that?
"Passed away" and other euphemisms coined by funeral directors. Use "died".
"Honey" "dear" "sweetie" "miss". Use "Ma'am" "Madam" "Sir" or the person's name.
"Diapers" - use "undergarments".
"Diabetic" - use "person with diabetes" and people-first language for any medical condition.
"Accident" or "incontinence" - use "bladder control problem" or "bowel control problem".
This is an interesting and important discussion. The way we talk about things matters. Taking command over the language we use to advocate for our loved ones and ourselves as caregivers, is essential in the struggle to have our voices heard.
But i think the person speaking says what theyre comfortable with.
i wear underwear ... it doesnt matter whats with it or what kind.
Yes I did....dog gone auto spell. I do my best to edit as I go along and use the check icon so I have the correct word, but just like many of the issues talked about here....the older one becomes and eyesight just ain't cutting it...we/me will forget to verify.
Have you ever found yourself replacing a word for another because you can't remember the spelling of the 1st word?
Me......ALL OF THE TIME and I have a dictionary app on my phone!!!
And how about just saying underwear. Everybody will know whats being discussed.
Actually this is probably one of the most fun discussions we've had :)
Incontinent vs. frequent bathroom visits
"You told me that already" vs. "that's so nice to hear; I appreciate your telling me that."
Not wanting to eat vs. proper nutrition is important
Hon, sweets, doll face vs. the person's given name
Dumb-it-down speak vs. proper English
One day I was in a restaurant and I saw a woman using a gold lamé bib. Talk about fancy. She enjoyed her meal.
Once I read someone suggest life manager for care giver and I often use that term now.
Words shape our impression - if you go shopping with a child & promise a stop on way home for a treat .... is that a reward or a bribe? - depends on who is doing it - it is the same thing but 'reward' has a better feel than 'bribe' does - we drove 7 hours+ to our cottage several times a year so the kids were allowed once to ask 'how much longer' & first time when we stopped for our doughnut & 25 cents was deduced for each overage there after we could hear them negotiating between them who had used up their turn & who hadn't - so was that a 'reward' or 'bribe'? ... it doesn't matter it gave hubby & I some peace
Tell his nurse that you would appreciate it if she/he would make sure that the clip board...in large letters...you prefer NOT to be called Darling. Give the nurse a nickname you don't mind being called.
Do this for each and every appointment until he just starts calling by the nickname or your name
It's the Pavlov dogs effect.
Age appropriate words? What words or how did you answer questions when your child asked where babies come from?
My Mother, when I was in kindergarten when she was pregnant with my Lil Brother, told me that God places a seed inside the Mommy and Daddy waters the seed.
Me...oh, it's good God puts the seed inside the Mommy so the birds don't eat it.
I remember that discussion like it was yesterday!
Our daughter...Mom, did your tummy split open when I was born? She was 8n the 1st grade.
Me: no, my stomach did not split open. God give Mommies a special hole for babies only to come out when it's time for the baby to be born.
Her: Oh, that's good
Accepted answer. She did become very interested with the human body, so we let her watch a series on PBS about how the human body works....even the episodes about reproduction (my dad was the one who got all upset over that!).
Our daughter became an RN which she absolutely loves and has been for 13 yrs now.
She became so interested with the human body she wanted to watch daddy gut the fish he caught! She even thought about becoming a Mortician, but way too much chemistry.
She even asked the Mortician all kinds of questions, helped pick out her grandfather's casket when she was in 5th grade.
My husband is Jewish so when we had the viewing she noticed grandpa had a cut on his face from shaving. The Mortician explained how grandpa's body must be cleaned because he's Jewish. Great! She thought that was cool.
You must decide how mature your child is to understand. If you feel he/she is able to understand that Grandma is just like a baby now. She can't get to the bathroom in time now, so she has to wear brown up diapers that look like pull ups you wore when you were little until you were able to wear big boy/big girl underwear.
Don't hide the truth, understand your child's ability to understand. You'll be surprised that you're the one who may be holding their understanding/knowledge back because your're not comfortable with your child growing up and wanting to know more about the world.
You will need to think outside of your 9 dots if your child doesn't understand when you try the 1st time.
You've made a lot excellent points about several stages of life. Thanks for the thought you put into this.
She said, “Move your old lady ass out of my way.” Nice.
Change your diaper<Let’s get some clean clothes for you.
When I had to get a treatment for a back problem the doc kept calling me darling. I had the biggest urge to call him sweetheart each time he did. Darling is definitely on my list for what not to say!
My Dad calls the staff "doll" -- he's a product of his era, I guess.
However, I agree with the whole baby talk thing (although we lovingly refer to his... member as a Johnson -- that's better than his other sailor friendly references).
I don't like the term "bib" or "diaper" or the condescending high pitched tone, but I say nothing. Dad likes his "soft underwear" and "shirt cover".
Dad responds to "air" instead of oxygen, and just because he can't hear... don't yell and enunciate words ad nauseum. It's so condescending...
At both of mom's nursing homes staff will call people Mr/Mrs/Miss last name until given permission to use first names, either by the resident themselves or their family if the resident can't speak for themselves.
young lady drives me up the wall. I feel patronized. Miss xxxx makes me feel the same. Although im comfortable with mrs/ms and my last name.
Just call me by my first name or look at me directly and dont call me any name.
Or maybe just call me cranky ???
unfortunately everybody's different. So its really difficult.
bibs ??? I use one at work at lunch since im so sloppy so i dont know what to call those except bibs.
So hard but remember ... SOMEONE will always be offended :(
When I speak to my grandsons about an elder, it’s always “Miss —-“ or “Mr.—-“ with their first names. I think that’s a fine way to show respect but not be too painfully formal.