Before it's too late.

Is there anyone to talk to? (I do too much of that) We don't talk without arguing.

I'm 75 and wife is 70
Married 53 years
She had heart bypass ten years ago with complications.
Settled with Court System, financially secure.

Was in ICU for Eight months + Hospital stay - Family gave 24 hour support
Nursing homes for about two years - Daily Family Support

Type 2 diabetes - COPD - Colostomy - Stage Fore Sacral wound - Herniated stomach area -Anxiety- Trouble Sleeping

Ethel always said she had an enormous fear of nursing homes and overnight at hospitals. Is this part of her need for companionship? Regardless of who.
Abandonment? Unfulfilled?
Listening to some of the others, I feel I should feel fortunate.
But still feel worried.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Hi Greg. I know what you mean when you say you tried to protect. By nature, men in general are wired to be protectors. That is the quality that many women find attractive. So I understand why you feel like you're losing your manliness. But you shouldn't. Needing some help to assist your wife does not make you less protective of her. Besides, I am sure you have many other good qualities that your wife loves about you.

One thing that we women also like is to be able to talk to out men about our feelings, just to have them heard, acknowledged and validated. Most of the times, we don't need our men to do anything about the feelings except to listen.

I am sorry you and your wife cried. Do you know why she did? Can you ask her? After she tells you her reasons then you can tell her yours. I hope that will being you two a little closer.
Helpful Answer (0)

stompers - I think I understand what you're saying.

Correct me if I'm wrong. You are sad, worried and probably a bit depressed that you and your wife are drifting apart, and that you and she argue every time you talk. She has a lot of health issues and you're feeling more tired by the day. Her health is deteriorating and she fears being placed in a nursing home or going to the hospital. Do I have it right so far?

Aging is hard. Someone wrote on a thread here that inside every old person is a young person asking what the heck happened. I think that sentiment is pretty accurate for a lot of us.

I really don't have an answer for you on how to improve your situation. I do have some suggestions.

How about focus on and spend time doing what is still enjoyable and positive and cut down on the amount of time you dwell on what makes you unhappy? Do you have any hobbies you still enjoy? Gardening, woodwork, writing, reading, etc.

Do you have any spiritual belief or faith? If so, reading up or talking to your faith leader might help you emotionally.

Do you have friends or social clubs that you belong to or want to join? Having a social outlet improves one's outlook enormously. You may have to wait till the scare of virus has passed before you can physically attend social functions though.

DO come back here to Agingcare and vent, ask questions, answer questions from others who need help. This is a place for all caregivers and care receivers. Just venting is very therapeutic. Also, seeing others who are in similar situations makes us feel less lonely.

By the way, I don't understand what you mean by "I do W/C every other day." What does that mean?
Helpful Answer (4)
stomperz Jun 2020
I thought it was tough when I was young! LOL
Boy am I learning a lot!
Neither has any spiritual belief or faith beliefs. I guess I have a lot to not look forward to. She cried tonight and so did I. Separately.
I try to understand that she is trying to make it easier for me (grandson helping), but I'm just stubborn and maybe feeling I'm losing my manliness. I always tried to protect, maybe it's time.
Thanks for the invite and for listening.
There is a lot to it and after as long as we have been together there should be. Remember there is more than one side to every story.
I would be seeking mental health care.
Helpful Answer (1)

Is she still in the nursing home now? It sounds like you're doing all you can, so good on you.
Helpful Answer (0)

stomperz - your post's title is "Unavailability - Elephant in the room", then later you asked Abandonment? Unfulfilled?

Can you clarify what you mean? Who is unavailable? You? To do what? Attend to your wife? In the nursing home or at home?

Are you asking if you are abandoning your wife when you're not there with her?
You think her needs are unfulfilled if someone isn't with her at all time?

Just trying to make sense of what you're asking.
Helpful Answer (1)
stomperz Jun 2020
Sorry meant "Inevitable" Not "Unavailability" (Bricklayer are not the best spellers) :-(
I don't feel younger each day.
She is at home and I do W/C every other day.
Just worried, we seem to be getting further apart.
Grandson (26) lives with us for the last nine months. Wife says she is helping him out. He and sister has taken advantage of her before. She has a strong maternal instinct. (most women do, unlike men).
You have both been through so much!

I don't think anyone starts off their marriage thinking about the other end.. & if so, it's a new lovers promise to always be there.

You ARE there. Your wife is blessed to have had you support her though all those serious health problems & has daily family support still.

The thing is YOU matter too. Sometimes, even if there was endless $ for 24/7 nurses in your home, it is still too hard to do. To manage the staff roster, sick leave, holidays. Being in a heightened state of stress without a break will damage you.

My (now retired) Doctor reluctantly placed in mother-in-law in a nearby nursing home. He could see his wife had become a worn out shell, no life left in her. They were all lacking in sleep. He said the health & happiness of ALL the family were to be valued, not just the care receiver.

Be her daily visitor & be her best advocate. Speak up if she is getting more worried or distressed. But grow some interests & hobbies for yourself too. At 75 you have many good years/decades to come.
Helpful Answer (2)

Stomperz welcome and ((((hugs)))))).

The first symptom of my mom's dementia was huge, overwhelming anxiety. She had abandonment issues, and for good reason. Her dad was hit by a car and died when she was 2 1/2 years old.

We found that having her seen regularly by a geriatric psychiatrist or someone on that team to manage her neds vastly improved her quality of life. A cocktail of Lexapro, remeron and a tiny bit of klonopin kept her calm, unagitated and happy. And not "drugged".
Helpful Answer (3)

Stage 4 Sacral wound? What is her position in the day/night? Are you offloading the sacrum? If she's sitting in a w/c all day, she shouldn't be.

I think it's normal to have a fear of nursing homes, for good reason. Still, sometimes it's the best place for someone who needs lots of care.

I wasn't sure about your question. Is she in the nursing home currently and you're wondering if you are doing right by her?
Helpful Answer (0)
stomperz Jun 2020
She is at home and I do W/C every other day.
Just worried, we seem to be getting further apart.
Grandson (26) lives with us for the last nine months. Wife says she is helping him out. He and sister have taken advantage of her before. She has a strong maternal instinct. (most women do, unlike men).
See 1 more reply
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter