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...it seems like a different issue every day at the ALF. If you've been keeping up, you already know that I've been REALLY kicking myself for moving Dad to an ALF closer to where I live. As nice as they are, they just CAN'T handle Dad's needs.


I just can't bring myself to place Dad in a NH that we can afford. We struggle (correction I STRUGGLE) to pay for the ALF now, and my research proved that Memory Care would be $1,000 more than he's paying at any of the private pay facilities, and the government facilities are not up to my standards (snobbish, I know).


So, I've decided, much to my dismay, to "bring him home". Once my apartment lease is up, I am going to move into a ranch style home and between Adult Day Care (A DIFFERENT ONE THAN HE WAS GOING TO BEFORE) and VA Home Health Aides and a trusted friend of mine with long-term CNA experience that would help out a couple days a week, this would be MUCH more economical and we may be able to avoid some of the "mishaps" Dad keeps having due to him needing a higher level of care.


He's starting to forget how to operate his motorized scooter, and he refuses to use the pull cord, so today he tried to walk out into the hall to find someone to help him with his scooter and HE FELL!!!!!! He says he's OK, but of course I'm having the Hospice nurse to pay him a visit. I'm stuck at work until 5 and can't check on him until then, but my nerves are in knots.


Here's the clincher... I still have three months on my apartment lease. I've gone back and forth in my brain on whether I should break my lease (to the tune of $1,800) and put a security deposit down on a home ($1,100) to go ahead and make this transition but that's a LOT of money. Strangely, I feel guilty about "taking" half of this expense from the money Dad told me not to touch. It seems wasteful.


My initial plan was to work extra at the second job so I can save up some money to pay movers, etc. and put a little extra back because I'm going to HAVE to quit the second job to be with Dad, but I worry about Dad CONSTANTLY. It affects EVERYTHING I do, and my thought is that if I wait, I can put together a solid transition plan.


But when stuff like this happens, I just want to say HE** with it and move him now. Any advice?

Tinyblu, oh my gosh, do NOT move your Dad.

You are moving to a house that your Dad has never seen, so he will become so very confused. And with his memory loss, he will never learn the floor plan of the new place. This move could very easily push Dad's dementia into the next stage, and unfortunately Adult Day Care may say they cannot accept Dad due to his dementia progress.

There is a reason your Dad is in Assisted Living, there is a village inside the facility to help him. Not one person at home. I know you plan to have friends help out, but they will want to be paid, it's only fair.

Eventually it will cost MORE than what you were paying for Dad's Assisted Living. And if you hire caregivers that are not from an Agency, you would need to purchase "workman's comp" insurance just in case a caregiver gets hurt on the job.

If you feel you really have to move Dad, get him into a VA home. Even if the building looks run down, Dad could still get the best of care. Plus he would be around other veterans that he can form friendships with. Think about this. I think your Dad would like to be around other Vets :)
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anonymous262233 May 29, 2018
Thanks FF. I haven't made a decision yet. If I can find a NH that is "nice" enough, I would be open to it. The ones I found that smelled nice and didn't look ridiculously depressing were WAY out of my price range.

The Medicare / Medicaid facilities are DISGUSTING. You think I feel guilty now? I would NEVER be able to live with myself if I placed Dad there. One VA facility is under investigation by the state, and the other is next door to the hospital that sent Dad home due a couple of years ago with an anti-nausea medicine for repeated vomitting. Thank GOD I took him to the ER after I left there. They admitted him for emergency surgery for an incarcerated hernia.

I have NO faith in that place. That's definitely emotional / snobbish. I'm sure I'll regret my decision, but the choices available SUCK!!!

I would literally visit the man daily if I put him in a DUMP like that and my stress level would increase even more. I know that.

By the way... I would definitely pay my friend legitimately (take out taxes, etc.) to make sure everything is above board. Paying her $18/ hour (well more than average CNA rate) would still be cheaper than ALF.
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Why on Earth do you not use dad's money for an eldercare attorney? You really have a Messiah/Martyr thing going on.

Tiny, you are a very frustrating poster for some of us. Like me. Like Jeanne. We offer you constructive suggestions. Therapy ( no, not my thing). Lawyer ( can't afford it, but there's money dad set aside!).

You don't want to solve this issue Tiny. You want to continue to punish yourself to prove that you can damage yourself beyond repair. You want to do that because Dad told you you weren't good enough.  And you believe him.  

You'll show him!!

Best of luck, Tiny. Not answering you any longer.
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Any advice? Seems to me that you always get useful advice here, and that you always have reasons that you can't follow it.
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anonymous262233 May 29, 2018
Jeannegibbs, I find your comments to be a bit offensive. Would you mind not responding if you can't be more constructive. Thanks!
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Tiny, I meant my comments to be a bit offensive. Sometimes that is what gets someone's attention.

You don't have to worry about my responding again. I've been constructive and been constructive, but I recognize when that is not really what is wanted.
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Surprise, 
Isn't it amazing how the developing mind works?!

I was very fat as a child. Got teased constantly. When I was around ten I had high school girls spit soda and chewed up potato chips in my face, I was stuck with a pin to see if I pop. And to this day that Carol King song....l feel the earth move under my feet.....makes me cringe, because kids would sing it when I walked by, like I was so fat I made the earth shake when I walked! It was horrible.

I was programed to believe I was lower then trash. Never good enough, and no where near the worth of skinny girls.

Anyway my mom, who was tiny and slim, never wanted me around when she was having coffee with her girlfriends or gathered with neighbors outside. She always said "go play." 

However the other girls mom's let them stay right there with the adults. Do you know what my child mind subconsciously internalized as truth? That my mom was embarrassed of me cause I was fat. Not skinny like the other girls that could be w/their mom's in a group. I did not know I thought this. 

But at 16 I quit high school, ( I couldn't take the torment) 
and went to cosmetology school. I lost all the weight, about 150lbs, got as beautiful as I possibly could and went about trying to get mom's love. And of course the world's validation.

Years later in therapy I found out about how my mom's actions led me to believe she was embarrassed of me. When I asked her about it her answer floored me!

She said, "We we're always talking about our husbands hitting us, cheating, drinking and so on. I never wanted you to hear a negative thing about your dad." 

Wow she was protecting me!

I mentioned the other girls mom's letting them be there, and she said, she guessed their mom's didn't care how they felt about their dad's. 

God I love that lady. 👩‍👧

T, I'm sorry we derailed your thread. But we have issues too, and we're not afraid to share them. Hugz
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How in blazes are you going to be able to care for your dad at home?

He's going to get out, fall frequently, need to be taken to doctors, podiatrists, dentist's and the like.

His dementia is going to advance, inexorably. Moving will probably increase his confusion. He's been your abuser in the past, Tiny. Have you forgotten that day at the bank? It's going to get ugly.

Not sure why you aren't getting an eldercare attorney who is familiar with VA and Medicaid to figure out how to get him either qualified for Medicaid by letting go of the VA support OR finding an adequate VA or VA contracted home that suits his needs and your nose ( I understand that, Tiny, I really do. There is no excuse for smells at nursing homes. None).
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anonymous262233 May 29, 2018
Thanks Barb. I can't afford an elder attorney right now. Maybe in a couple of months.
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Hi Tiny, I know you're struggling with this, but it's not about dad's care. It's about you trying to prove your a good person, even after all he did to you. Making as many self sacrifices as possible. Devoting your entire life to him. Making your entire existence about him. You're actually trying to validate your self worth.

The sad thing is, it's to HIS DETRIMENT. Moving him and taking away his 7/24 care, to make YOU feel better about yourself, is totally selfish.

Do you tell everyone and anyone who'll listen, that nothing is up to your standards and that you won't feel better unless you physically & literally take over his care yourself? Even moving your entire home, willing to loose 2k if needed to do so? Do you add that you're paying for his care yourself too? Even saying he has money but you won't use it?

"I must show the world, I must prove to myself, I'm not a discardable piece of crap, because dad made me feel that way."

T, if you must take on this role, don't jeopardize his care for your emotional needs. I'm not trying to be a witch, but your emotional problems are glaring and most ppl here see it.
Therapy would help, good luck.
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Oh, Tinyblu, I’m sorry that this is happening to your dad and to you. I know you want the best for him. But I’ve read so many posts here from people who so regret moving their parents in with them.

My mom was on Medicaid and in a wonderful skilled nursing facility. It was clean, the staff really cared and she was well taken care of. Dad sounds pretty stubborn, and I would feel better if he were in a facility with constant medical supervision. But all that’s up to you as long as you realize he will continue to decline and require more and more care.

If you would be using Dad’s money to benefit him, is that so wrong? My mom scrimped and saved money to leave me an inheritance but it all went for her care. It was unavoidable. If Dad has this money, I would use it for his care instead of strapping myself financially and using my own funds. Don’t act in haste. Even if the place he’s at isn’t quite up to your standards, he will be ok until you have all your transition plans made.
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Tiny,
I think moving your Dad into your home would be a mistake also.

You are not going to get ANY rest.

Dad will likely become more confused than he became during the last move.

Have you considered seeing and Elder Care Attorney, using Dads money, and let them help you put together a reasonable, permanent care plan together that is best for your Dad long term?

Having your Dad under your roof may seem like your best idea at the moment but without 24 hr home Care to support that option you are going to miss ALOT of work.

There will be falls at home day and night whether you are shadowing his every move or not. ER trips.

In spite of your best efforts and your devotion to your Dad you are setting yourself up for that meltdown/breakdown you referenced, I think in your other thread.

When our parents reach the point where your Dad is now, the best option for all involved is for the parent to be in a facility. There are problems and frustrations when our parents are in a facility but at this point if you move your Dad home you are looking at problems and frustrations multiplied by 100.
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Tiny, I was relieved to see the mantra about not breaking the lease.

However.

Let us return, please, to the root of the matter.

You are not the author of your father's situation.

Repeat after me:

I am not responsible for my father's choices.
I am not responsible for my father's choices.
I am not responsible for my father's choices.

Forget "snobbish." Forget "fussy."

You will advocate for the best care available to your father.

The best care for him is not the option that runs you into the ground.

I think I said before that if you bring him into your home I will never speak to you again. I take it back. If you bring him into your home I will never let you hear the end of it.

Be PRACTICAL, woman!!! He needs 24/7 care from a trained, qualified team. Meet his needs, work on matching his care to your standards. Stop trying to make the world what it ought to be.
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