How do you transition from, "They are my parents, I can't tell them what to do" to "I must tell them what to do."

By assuming a new identity as your parent in his/her right mind. You are not taking charge of your parent; you are acting on your real parent's behalf, as your real, unimpaired parent's representative, as that person's brain, hands and heart.

With two parents to cope with, unless they were normally of one mind, you are going to end up feeling a bit schizophrenic. On the other hand, each should recognise what you are trying to do for the other.

Do you have power of attorney for your parents? Do you have other family to help?

Well, if you want to save your sanity and your health, you have to assert, gently, control of the situation.

You may have to tell some therapeutic fibs ( we're going to lunch today, and oh, I just need stop at this medical office for a sec); you may need to get to think that something was their idea, you may need to make what is almost certainly a permanent situation a temporary one ( Assisted Living is just until the stormy season is over).

What you can't let happen is let a dementia patient drive the bus.

I have medical power of attorney and we are working on durable financial poa. Each one does see what I am doing for the other, but each one resents when I try to do the same for them. As far as other family, none that will help too much. I moved in with my parents and rent out my home to one of my kids. When I need a sudden short term 'sitter' she does come help with that. But the rest is all me.

Mm. Double trouble...

Two parents with a variety of dementias is too many for one person. Heavens! - just one can be too much!

Hadn't you better start looking now for a continuing care facility where they can be together in due course? Unless they have the means to fund really substantial in-home support, this could quickly get out of hand. And don't let the grass grow with the finance DPOA. Is this being handled by an experienced elder attorney? Perhaps that person could also be a useful source of advice and recommendations for other kinds of assistance and care options in your area. You need to develop a good support network of health and social care professionals, so that you have reinforcements to call on. And not only for practical help, but also - given the natural emotional inhibitions - for reassurance when you're facing those difficult decisions.

I have found that, in my case, the relationship just shifts naturally. It happened faster than I thought it would but I went from daughter to parent (hence my screen name Mom to Mom). It started out with my giving instruction for little things, then I found I was giving direction. At this point, I am telling her when and what to eat, wear, and do. Our relationship has clearly turned into a reverse parent child one now. She is unable to make big decisions but I know that she can make small decisions (to you want the red shirt or blue shirt today?) but she seems to prefer not to. She seems to really enjoy her childlike role and having everything done for her.

It felt kind of weird when I first realized that I had become her parent but it just feels normal now. It helps that I am bossy by nature though :-)

When I made the transition to step in and insert my judgment with my LO, although she's not my parent, it happened when it suddenly hit me that if we go her way, she's going to get really hurt or worse. I realized that this wonderful lady was not thinking clearly. She was talking about things that were completely irrational and dangerous. So....you have to step up then. It's like running to throw someone a life vest when they are drowning. You just know you have to save them. At least that's how it happened with me.

I think that when it's a person who doesn't really have dementia or it's the very early stage....then, it's a bit more tricky and you have to pick your battles and really practice your diplomacy skills.

I agree with those upthread who voice concern about caring for 2 people in the home with dementia....oh my. Do the research, read a lot here and explore your options. It's very challenging.

Strange enough, I found it easier to care for two people with dementia than I do one. My parents had each other, so it took a lot of pressure off of me to entertain them. Now it is just my mother and me, one on one. I'm in charge of everything, really, but she fights me each step of the way. Even though she has lost the ability to control things, she still wants to control them through me. Sunny said it well when she said mentioned choosing battles. If your parents are easy to get along with, there should be few problems. If they are like billy goats, though, you'll have to get prepared for some head butting. Usually there are ways to get things done and let them feel like they're still in control. Occasionally that is not possible and you just have to do something and let them fuss about it. Good luck!

Dear CS,

I know its hard going from being the child to being the parent but we must. We must be our parent's advocate as they age especially with their medical situations. I know its not easy. If possible I would consider talking to a therapist, counselor, social worker or joining a support group about this new phase in your life.

I also think that it's often a personality thing. Some people are just not "take charge" people. They don't have a knack for being insistent, pushing things through or being the person who upsets someone sometimes. (You may not get approval in all your decisions with people who have dementia.) It's not their fault, that's just who they are. If that is an issue, I'd seek the help of another family member to give you support. I do think that people who really struggle with it, have a harder time. Still, practice will help.

PastorKim, from what I have read from other caregivers who have moved in with their parents, the family dynamic goes back the parents being the adults, and the grown child being the child once again. We can't tell them what to do because what do we know, we are still children :P

With my parents I noticed they were more apt to take advice from a doctor, or anyone in a uniform. Once my Mom had passed [she refused caregivers], Dad hire caregivers to help him.... the caregivers wore a uniform so it made it easier for Dad to take directions.

Every situation is different.

For me, I was able to sit down and discuss things with my Dad. I just had to keep it simple.

Do you remember how it rankled when you would be yelled at as a child? Well, now that positions are reversed, the aging parent also resents it.

Best answer is to try to be reasonable and discuss things. Yes, I know, sometimes every day - sometimes hourly - but it felt good to be able to assist my dad in his last 7 years after Mom passed.

When I earned his trust and respect, things went a lot smoother.

PastorKim,

From your comment about being used to submitting to your parents, I wonder what your cultural background is. Making this switch would be harder for someone from various cultural backgrounds. Is this your case? Personally, I stopped submitting to my parents when I left home.

You need to say when you're getting them to do something that 'I know you don't need that help from me but please take it so that mom/dad will go along with it easier' - remember to thank them occationally for their 'help' - it's 'a united front for the good of the other parent' - I hope this helps with their co-operation

Phrasing is important - not 'I want you to do this' but 'don't you think that this is a good idea/plan to help mom/dad'-

When they ask questions about finances have a pat answer ready & always use same figure - but that asking quite often is a way of asking is there enough money to live on - I tell my mom there is enough until she is 119 & I always use the same number so that it becomes reassuring to her as it is repeated so often - also that her money is tied up in investments that she picked [mostly true] so we can only get a little at a time AS SHE PLANNED so that big ticket items means several days of paperwork ... doesn't get done! & she forgets about it anyway

People with dementia [depending on their stage] are 3 or 4 years olds but with life experiences that make them sometimes more aware - would you leave 2 4 years old in a house with gas stove ... no! so think about how you would deal with those 'kids with grey hair' in a kindly & loving manner

As often as possible make them your ally in help for the other person, if possible assign jobs - just remember how proud you 4 year old was when you asked them to take 2 rolls of toilet paper to the bathroom or picked up their room - have 'reward' treats for jobs well done - but always remember the backbone has switched from them to you & it doesn't need to be stiff but flexible

PastorKim, my folks lived on a ranch for 45 years until we all knew it really was not safe for them out so far. After they sold the ranch, they had money to buy a home of their own in town where they could walk to the PO and such. Then after 2 years, things had gone downhill so bad we got them moved into an Assisted Living place In the same town. Now, they both had a form of dementia, but it presented differently with each of them. In fact, I think for quite some time mom was able to cover dad and we did not really realize till we got them off the farm, just how things were progressing. All 4 of us agreed on each thing that changed and the timing thereof. I know that this fact was very important in doing for them, as they figured if we all felt the same. Also, we were able to convince Mom that she was doing this for Dad. Very important to her! God Bless You as you gently but firmly take the reins with all the wonderful suggestions above!!

BarbBrooklyn said it spot on correct. Nothing more to add...

I care for my grandma. To be honest at times she still resists me caring for her seeing me as a kid. She will often call my niece by my name thinking I'm still little until we correct her as does Serenity that Serenity is her name. She always laughs it off saying she just can't remember that and is shocked anytime my name and me come up in conversation although she does see my younger sister as an adult with two children and doesn't seem shocked by this all the time.

Having people around you with dementia makes them need caring. It's a fact. With my grandma it naturally fell into my lap that I had to be assertive with her and help her. She needs help in everything she does. I usually just offer to help her, explain and use the word Doctor says, a lot. If she's in one of her moods and I'm her sister (in her own mind) I go along with her saying her mom says so. I just work with what I'm given at any given moment in time. I don't think of it as taking over but instead helping her to go about her day safely and do what is necessary. Otherwise if she had her way, she'd probably be laying in a bed unchanged in filth forgetting to take any pills and eat while yelling at everyone. That's not a life at all.

Remind your parent that you are an adult. Present visual and verbal reinforcements of this. This last few years with my parent it got so bad that I had to bring my copies of AARP magazine, and show her my AARP card. Also, every time I went for caregiving visits (she lives several states away), I didn't put a box of hair color on, so the gray roots would be showing quite clearly. I would point them out to her. I also started talking quite frankly about my own aging health concerns instead of trying to be strong and brave. It may not have helped her much but it helped me by validating that I have worth as an adult. She would just cringe and say "I cannot talk about that." Yes, she is Narcissistic and BPD as well, so a real validation will not happen, but it HELPS ME to assert myself. She dwells constantly about my years up to when I started school, then the memories seem to fade away. She's gotten away with being "vague" for many years (over 20 years -- how many of you think you could handle for that long??) when I took over the handling of anything "realistic." Advice to you all who do not have documents in place to handle business and health decisions: Get it done and soon. Use a birthday -- yours or theirs as a benchmark reminder to have those documents completed. Do not wait for a medical downturn. You will be miserable trying to care for a person who will not let you make those important decisions. If your parent won't choose a family member, then check for professional services who you find amenable to work with. It doesn't have to be a permanent situation, but honestly, you'll be chained to your phone, or try to take a trip, or have surgery when you are the "go-to child."

Also, if your parents get "weird" talking with you or about you as if you are still a kid, and it bugs you, then tell them to stop. It's not cute. I've tolerated the "Oh, she was so cute when she was a baby, and she talks about my body and what she dressed me up in...ect, you get the idea. I am NOT her plaything any longer. This has been done in front of other adults I am collaborating with to take care of her, like aging care assessors, attorneys, ect. It appears to be an attempt to keep the upper hand and make her seem like the strong one. So, now I remind her and them I am part of the senior citizen generation too. It can done with humor, but I'm done with that Southern Lady generation of "smile demurely and just deal with it."

I hope this helps someone out there who is thinking about just humoring the elder because it will make things easier -- it won't....

That's a tough one, depending on how your parent accepts the fact that you are their caretaker.

My dad loved me taking care of him..he just didn't like he telling him what to do..lol!!

Oftentimes we'd have our spats and oftentime it got sort of loud. He'd be hollering at me that he was a grown man and could do what he wanted to..and I'd be telling him that he couldn't do that anymore.

I remember one specific time they were having a party for the residents that lived in his facility and they were serving beer. I called his MD and asked him if he could have some and was told that he could maybe had a small amount, but no more as it could affect his medication.

Well Dad was not happy with that AT ALL, and told me that if he was going to have a beer..he was going to have a BEER..and not just a little glass full.

We went around and around with it all afternoon and he finally told me that if he couldn't enjoy himself by having a few beers..he wasn't going.

I called him a "stubborn old fart" and told him that I was only trying to keep him from having another seizure. As he slammed his bedroom door he told he just wanted to die. My remark was, "Over beer??" and he said, "Yes..over the fact the I'm a grown man and if I want a beer..even if it kills me!!"

Good Lord!!

This is part of what I ran into with my dad, along with other things like me bringing his bike over so he could ride it down to his local hang out. Dad never drank much..he'd have his two beers and leave..but letting him ride his bike when he already had balance issues..another "No" from me.

He used to get sooo angry with me when I'd say, "No Dad, you can't do that.." and it was tough on me also as I'd feel so bad for having to take yet another thing away from him that he enjoyed.

Oftentime he wouldn't take his meds, so I had them bubble packed so as to keep an eye on what he was taking and what he wasn't. There were days and days that he didn't take them and I warned him of the consequences. Sometimes I'd fill up half a pint glass of pills he didn't take in a month's time; so he thought he'd get smart and punch out the days he didn't take his meds and instead of flushing them down the toilet, he'd keep them in a little yellow glass waaay in back of his cupboard.

I found them one day and asked, "Dad, what is this??" and he said, "Those are old pills. I didn't know what to do with them so I dumped them in that cup.." LOL. Sure Dad.

It's tough when you become the parent and they become "the child", but one needs to stand their ground and somehow find a way that works best for them. After all, us caretakers have known our parents for how many years and it just takes a bit of empathy and understanding.

Switching places isn't ever easy, but in my situation; I dealt with it by putting myself in his shoes.

I hope my story helped a bit.

Blessings.