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I tried making her room so homey and inviting. When I return in the late morning it looks like a bomb went off. I recently learned the word "rummaging" and that fits. It's like the room and its contents have been shaken like a snow globe!


Like others, I tried taking away the bags and now she uses the trash bags. I think it makes me more uncomfortable than her. I just want to see her have a cozy and warm room vs the chaos I walk into daily.


Any advice? Or is this just something I need to let go of?

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Let her pack. Somehow this brings her mind some comfort. It’s not important for her new home to look like your vision of it. This is a phase, it will be replaced by something else one day. Dementia is an ever evolving series of changes and losses, don’t fret the packing, it’s small potatoes. I wish you both peace
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My husband used to do this in Memory Care. He thought he was in a hotel and had to be out by 11:00 AM. I used to try to explain, but it didn't help. Her brain is broken and you just need to let it go. My prayers are with you. It's a hard road. ❤️
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DanicaL May 31, 2025
Thank you <3
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Our experience (my sis & me) with our mother in memory care unit is similar to your and to christinenc. We set up the room so nicely before she arrived with pictures from home, clothes hung in the closet, shoes in a shoe bag, etc, only for her to take everything down & pack everything up, clothes, shoes, pictures, etc. in boxes, bags, whatever she can get her hands on! She even moves whatever furniture she can shove out into the hallway (chairs, tables, lamps) in preparation for her “friend with a truck who is coming to pick me up.” She’s been in the ALF for almost 8 weeks now. Not packing up as much stuff as frequently now, but in her demented state she doesn’t understand that this is her new home. We gave up trying to explain that the doctors say she can no longer safely live on her own. Now we go with “you’re here for rehab till the doctor discharges you.” She seems to grudgingly accept that idea. I’ve heard that some dementia patients never “get over” the “packing to go” behavior. We just kind of nod and say okay and change the subject when Mom talks about leaving the ALF. I think the important thing, like others have said, is to just accept that this is part of the disease, do your best to accommodate it. We gave up trying to put ever back in place to make Mom’s room “nice” again. We just leave her clothes folded on the bookshelf like she has them. No since trying to argue or to reason with a dementia patient. We just try to visit as often as we can & tell Mom we love her.
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DanicaL May 31, 2025
Very reassuring... thanks so much!
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It isn't a matter of taking bags away so much as understanding her behavior and what is motivating her / 'running her brain' to behave as she is. This is dementia.

The best way to learn how to 'be with / accept' is to educate yourself on what happens to the brain when a person acquires dementia (brain cells die, different parts of the brain work differently than they used to ... reality isn't 'real' accept to the person with dementia who 'believes' what their mind / brain is telling them.

Her behavior could have a lot to do with:
Needing: (1) medication assessment / management; (2) Perhaps bring 'things' to put in the suitcase. Gives her busy work to do; (3) Have less 'items' in her room (since she seems to have 'lots' of things to grab / dismantle).

SHE NEEDS ATTENTION. A calming presence..
Either consider getting a personal caregiver in and/or ask staff to check in on her more often throughout the night.

To me, letting go is more of a process of learning how to 'work with' the person / the changing brain. She will continue to exhibit behaviors you will not understand (perhaps no one knows what is going on in her brain/chemistry). Although we can know what parts of the brain 'do' / are responsible for our thoughts and behaviors. And when those parts of the brain die, so does the 'job' they had.

When a person has a vision in their mind (be it from 40-50-60 years ago), to them, it is REAL CURRENT TIME. They are reliving a moment in their past - however it is embellished with their fantasy/imagery.
or
'somehow' thinking they are doing what is in the best (current) interest of well-being and/or being run by anxiety / emotions and thoughts that do not help them although that is what they believe.

Never, ever argue with a person inflicted with dementia.
It will only create (further) negative emotions = create an argument (if you try to 'convince' a person with dementia by 'explaining' reality.

They DO NOT HAVE THE CAPACITY to understand (reality/) you.

It isn't that they are intentionally being antagonistic. They are doing what their brain is telling them to do, as parts of their brain cells are dying / have died.

Yes, once you understand what is running them, you do need to accept what is and thereby 'let go.'

You let go with compassion ... with love ... with an intention to be present each moment 'where they are.' And you follow their lead by observing/being cognizant of their behavior.

What you want to do is keep the person as calm as possible.

What I learned with a client with advanced dementia is that she 'got it' - that I cared for her. She spoke gibberish so I never understood anything so said ... and she got 'me' by:
* my tone of voice
* my gentle, loving touches / to comfort her
* me smiling
* picking up on her cues; if she laughs or looks at a tree and sees a bird as a box of cornflakes or something, I acknowledge her - her surprise, her enjoyment ... not what she actually sees (saw).

I hope this helps.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Jacquelinezr May 24, 2025
There is so much great advice here. Thank you for posting this.
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Are you going everyday, did you allow a couple of weeks for her to acclimate to her new home?

If not that may be part of the problem, she thinks you are coming everyday to take her home.

Every facility that I have had LO's in, were clear that we should stay away for a couple of weeks, so they can get settled in and understand this is their new home.
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I do go every day and she is accepting that this is her home. Today she even said "Oh I guess I forget I live here now" when I asked what the pictures were doing off the wall. The packing happens in the evenings only (sundowning). I try to avoid going in the evenings as it is too painful for me to watch. I'm leaving on a trip soon, so it will be good for us both I guess...
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MeDolly May 20, 2025
Great!
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Rummaging is common with alzheimers/dementia patients even in their own home.

Getting exercise during the day will help if Mom is up to walking. i.e. Mom wouldn't rummage as much when she was tired out from being outside walking.
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Stop projecting YOUR wishes into MOM'S reality. Rummaging and packing is normal with dementia. You have to accept and enter her reality now. In her mind, her room is as she likes it. We find that hard to understand bc our brains are not damaged. As long as she's not agitated and crying or punching people, she's ok. If she starts getting agitated, get the doctor to prescribe calming meds like Ativan. My mother calmed down pretty well with that medication. She was fixated with finding her dead parents and siblings she insisted were IN the building somewhere, she just didn't know WHERE.

Best of luck to you.
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My mom did the same thing for a month! I removed any bags, boxes and excess personal items. She eventually settled down. Even 4 years later once in awhile she packs to “move”. I keep her room free of excessive possessions and she never asks for much. Good luck..
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There's a lady from church who is in memory care now and every morning she packs her bag. When asked, she always says, "I'll be going home soon." We don't fight her on it. Let her have her bag. It seems to calm her down and then she's good to go for the rest of the day.
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