Mom in memory care almost two weeks and packs all of her things up every night.

Question

Mom in memory care almost two weeks and packs all of her things up every night.

Follow

Share

I tried making her room so homey and inviting. When I return in the late morning it looks like a bomb went off. I recently learned the word "rummaging" and that fits. It's like the room and its contents have been shaken like a snow globe!

Like others, I tried taking away the bags and now she uses the trash bags. I think it makes me more uncomfortable than her. I just want to see her have a cozy and warm room vs the chaos I walk into daily.

Any advice? Or is this just something I need to let go of?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Dementia Behaviors Family Caregiver Memory Care Mental Health

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

19 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

Are you going everyday, did you allow a couple of weeks for her to acclimate to her new home?

If not that may be part of the problem, she thinks you are coming everyday to take her home.

Every facility that I have had LO's in, were clear that we should stay away for a couple of weeks, so they can get settled in and understand this is their new home.

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

I do go every day and she is accepting that this is her home. Today she even said "Oh I guess I forget I live here now" when I asked what the pictures were doing off the wall. The packing happens in the evenings only (sundowning). I try to avoid going in the evenings as it is too painful for me to watch. I'm leaving on a trip soon, so it will be good for us both I guess...

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

Great!

(4)

Report

See 1 more reply

Let her pack. Somehow this brings her mind some comfort. It’s not important for her new home to look like your vision of it. This is a phase, it will be replaced by something else one day. Dementia is an ever evolving series of changes and losses, don’t fret the packing, it’s small potatoes. I wish you both peace

Helpful Answer (16)

Report

Rummaging is common with alzheimers/dementia patients even in their own home.

Getting exercise during the day will help if Mom is up to walking. i.e. Mom wouldn't rummage as much when she was tired out from being outside walking.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

Stop projecting YOUR wishes into MOM'S reality. Rummaging and packing is normal with dementia. You have to accept and enter her reality now. In her mind, her room is as she likes it. We find that hard to understand bc our brains are not damaged. As long as she's not agitated and crying or punching people, she's ok. If she starts getting agitated, get the doctor to prescribe calming meds like Ativan. My mother calmed down pretty well with that medication. She was fixated with finding her dead parents and siblings she insisted were IN the building somewhere, she just didn't know WHERE.

Best of luck to you.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

So mothers not happy with layout of her stuff
maybe
Try and get her involved tomorrow mum we will arrange your room how you like it
mum- what do you think of this here
sort of thing?
oh mum - your room is looking so nice now
try and establish this is her new room..
..
two weeks isn’t long to settle into a new home tho
…
maybe Mother’s rummaging because she can’t find things
things she wants near her ?
tvaf all said if mother still show signs of agitation then maybe the dr needs to prescribe something short term to help her agitated mind

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

My husband used to do this in Memory Care. He thought he was in a hotel and had to be out by 11:00 AM. I used to try to explain, but it didn't help. Her brain is broken and you just need to let it go. My prayers are with you. It's a hard road. ❤️

Helpful Answer (11)

Report

Thank you <3

(1)

Report

The brain with dementia can have good days of clearer thinking and bad days of total confusion. It frustrates me how selfish some people are on this site. They act like all that matters is their own life and happiness. To let a loved spend their final days in a strange place, without helping to get them acclimated, can stress them to die within days. I have seen this several times.
It is wonderful that you want her to have a cozy room, but her making a big mess is part of her stress and confusion over where she is and why. I think you being there as much as possible would be best for both of you. It is important for the facility to see she has family that love her. If the family and friends do not visit, it gives the impression to the facility, that this person is not very important. It is so hard on the loved one to visit, but still important to do.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I visit almost every day <3 We have been unpacking together for fun while visiting. It gives us something to do. I do need to remove more "stuff" though.

(1)

Report

Thank you for posting & sharing. My mom (85 yrs, who has vascular dementia) has been packing her belongings intermittently since I moved her into care (Sep 2023). Compared to actually trying to escape (which she did from the first AL), packing is harmless. I removed the suitcase (visual cue), so now she asks for boxes from the staff. Almost 2 years into this dementia journey, I find the fewer extraneous belongings, the better. Initially, I also wanted her to feel at home--we set up her bed and items from home. I think it was more discombobulating for her as her belongings were there but it was definitely not home in her mind. She packs less these days but still wants to leave most of the time. Or, she thinks she's at work or a hotel and needs to leave. Dementia is such a crazy journey. I feel mystified, horrified and wonderous, sometimes all at the same time. Like life itself, the dementia journey is full of change. Blessings to you and your mother.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

that makes sense. Thank you for sharing your experience!

(1)

Report

Our experience (my sis & me) with our mother in memory care unit is similar to your and to christinenc. We set up the room so nicely before she arrived with pictures from home, clothes hung in the closet, shoes in a shoe bag, etc, only for her to take everything down & pack everything up, clothes, shoes, pictures, etc. in boxes, bags, whatever she can get her hands on! She even moves whatever furniture she can shove out into the hallway (chairs, tables, lamps) in preparation for her “friend with a truck who is coming to pick me up.” She’s been in the ALF for almost 8 weeks now. Not packing up as much stuff as frequently now, but in her demented state she doesn’t understand that this is her new home. We gave up trying to explain that the doctors say she can no longer safely live on her own. Now we go with “you’re here for rehab till the doctor discharges you.” She seems to grudgingly accept that idea. I’ve heard that some dementia patients never “get over” the “packing to go” behavior. We just kind of nod and say okay and change the subject when Mom talks about leaving the ALF. I think the important thing, like others have said, is to just accept that this is part of the disease, do your best to accommodate it. We gave up trying to put ever back in place to make Mom’s room “nice” again. We just leave her clothes folded on the bookshelf like she has them. No since trying to argue or to reason with a dementia patient. We just try to visit as often as we can & tell Mom we love her.

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

Very reassuring... thanks so much!

(1)

Report

My mom did the same thing for a month! I removed any bags, boxes and excess personal items. She eventually settled down. Even 4 years later once in awhile she packs to “move”. I keep her room free of excessive possessions and she never asks for much. Good luck..

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

It isn't a matter of taking bags away so much as understanding her behavior and what is motivating her / 'running her brain' to behave as she is. This is dementia.

The best way to learn how to 'be with / accept' is to educate yourself on what happens to the brain when a person acquires dementia (brain cells die, different parts of the brain work differently than they used to ... reality isn't 'real' accept to the person with dementia who 'believes' what their mind / brain is telling them.

Her behavior could have a lot to do with:
Needing: (1) medication assessment / management; (2) Perhaps bring 'things' to put in the suitcase. Gives her busy work to do; (3) Have less 'items' in her room (since she seems to have 'lots' of things to grab / dismantle).

SHE NEEDS ATTENTION. A calming presence..
Either consider getting a personal caregiver in and/or ask staff to check in on her more often throughout the night.

To me, letting go is more of a process of learning how to 'work with' the person / the changing brain. She will continue to exhibit behaviors you will not understand (perhaps no one knows what is going on in her brain/chemistry). Although we can know what parts of the brain 'do' / are responsible for our thoughts and behaviors. And when those parts of the brain die, so does the 'job' they had.

When a person has a vision in their mind (be it from 40-50-60 years ago), to them, it is REAL CURRENT TIME. They are reliving a moment in their past - however it is embellished with their fantasy/imagery.
or
'somehow' thinking they are doing what is in the best (current) interest of well-being and/or being run by anxiety / emotions and thoughts that do not help them although that is what they believe.

Never, ever argue with a person inflicted with dementia.
It will only create (further) negative emotions = create an argument (if you try to 'convince' a person with dementia by 'explaining' reality.

They DO NOT HAVE THE CAPACITY to understand (reality/) you.

It isn't that they are intentionally being antagonistic. They are doing what their brain is telling them to do, as parts of their brain cells are dying / have died.

Yes, once you understand what is running them, you do need to accept what is and thereby 'let go.'

You let go with compassion ... with love ... with an intention to be present each moment 'where they are.' And you follow their lead by observing/being cognizant of their behavior.

What you want to do is keep the person as calm as possible.

What I learned with a client with advanced dementia is that she 'got it' - that I cared for her. She spoke gibberish so I never understood anything so said ... and she got 'me' by:
* my tone of voice
* my gentle, loving touches / to comfort her
* me smiling
* picking up on her cues; if she laughs or looks at a tree and sees a bird as a box of cornflakes or something, I acknowledge her - her surprise, her enjoyment ... not what she actually sees (saw).

I hope this helps.

Gena / Touch Matters

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

There is so much great advice here. Thank you for posting this.

(1)

Report

See 2 more replies

There's a lady from church who is in memory care now and every morning she packs her bag. When asked, she always says, "I'll be going home soon." We don't fight her on it. Let her have her bag. It seems to calm her down and then she's good to go for the rest of the day.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

I think it's very kind of you to try and restore order to the chaos she creates, but you're going to have to let go of the fact that she will continue acting out in the same manner. There's nothing you can do to "fix" it or a "problem" you can solve.

For whatever reason, she is doing what she is compelled to do, and it doesn't have to make sense to anyone. Repetitive or "looping" behaviors are common with dementia.
I learned about "perseveration" from one of my husband's therapists.
I had to look it up to learn more about it. It is a word, phrase, or sound, or a compulsive behavior which is repeated, like a broken record, like the person is stuck in a "loop" that they can't get out of. My husband repeats sounds or words, and also has compulsive habits like touching his head again and again, or hitting his head or banging on a table. For those type of repeated behaviors, you can gently re-direct the person's attention to something new to break them out of that loop.
Or, in your mother's case, If you're worried about this nightly habit, you can find a new habit to replace it, but it seems she's doing no harm, so I would just let it go.
Soon enough, she will find a new, weird habit to repeat.
And if you read some other people's stories, there are some way worse habits she could develop! I wouldn't be too worried about this one!

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

This is exactly what the staff tells me. I'm doing better with each passing week. Now I just "expect" it when I walk in. It's all new to me and there is so much to learn!

(1)

Report

Every morning we found that my MIL had pile every bit of her belongings, from off the walls, closets and cabinets, into the flat sheet of her double bed, and tied each corner into a knot. It looked like it was ready to be hauled away by a Paul Bunyan sized hobo.

Are you able to sleep in her room for a couple of nights? Perhaps you can hire a night time sitter until she gets accustomed to her new surroundings.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

I wouldn’t sleep there at all. Mother will want her there every night and/or insist to sleep at her former home. This will not help her adjust at all.

(5)

Report

See 2 more replies

My Mom never went through this so I am asking this question out of ignorance.

Where is the MC staff while she is packing up? What do they say that she says is the reason why she is packing up? Who does your Mom think is coming to pick her up? Could the staff distract her into doing something else even though this probably happens at night? Is she restricted into staying in her room at night?What do they recommend you do about this behavior?

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

The staff is lovely and super reassuring to me. It's me who is the problem LOL! They tell me it is very common and that it's better she busies herself packing than with "other behaviors" that are more concerning. The staff usually helps her "unpack" if I'm not able to visit that day. They said sometimes they stop and sometimes they keep doing it.

(0)

Report

So good that you reached out to AC forum. You’ve gotten many helpful replies. You mom is demonstrating behavior that is common in MC, especially when a LO is first admitted. Give it two months and hopefully the behavior will lessen. My dad did the exact same thing, including using trash bags, coat sleeves, whatever he could stuff things into. I tried to leave only minimal clothing and possessions, which didn’t seem very homey, but it did help a tiny bit, as did putting labels (i.e. sock drawer, pants drawer, etc) on the outside of his dresser drawers with painter’s tape. It’s heartbreaking, but they just can’t think predictably or properly anymore. I’d suggest you ask the staff if they have any tips or suggestions, but please know you aren’t doing anything wrong. I would not advise spending the night or having a private care giver spend the night. It could add to your mom’s disorientation or prolong her adaptation to the new environment. My dad did eventually stop packing every night, but he never stopped asking me to get him out. Dementia is heartbreaking in so, so many ways. Good luck.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Thanks for your sweet answer :) it IS heartbreaking. I don't like it at all :(

(0)

Report

My Mum has been in a lovely Care Home for nearly a year now. (It's where my Mum and Dad had to go following a hospital stay, as they were both ill at the same time. Sadly my dad died last July in the Home). The Home is for non dementia people over 65yrs and the staff and residents are all caring and friendly. Sometimes Mum calls me late at night asking about the transport and how will she get back home. Initially I was upset to think she wanted to go back to her house, but then she told me she wanted to go back to the Care Home to her room. When I asked where she was calling from, she described her room with its pictures and bed cover etc so she was all ready there. I had to say that's OK Mum, you can stay in that room..its got a comfy bed and I'll come and see you in the morning. Sometimes Mum would be cross with me and say I should have told her she was staying there. Also, Mum seemed to think another women was in the room, so I took away the mirror (she told me I could have it as she didn't use it) and she said take away the photo's of Dad and Gran, as I don't want a stranger to have our family photos.
Recently Mum has had acid reflux with bad chest pains and she thinks this is due to the man next door trying to poison her. She's had a CT scan, and Barium meal Xray and all OK, so Dr has upped the pantaprazole.
The Home are considering a different room for her too, so she doesn't have to worry about 'Him' next door. (I am apparently having an affair with him/he's blackmailing me/I am in his room the minute I leave Mum/ He's after her money/The FBI visit him.. to mention just a few things.)
Mum passes all the Memory tests and so doesn't have dementia apparently, it's Mild Cognitive Impairment with paranoia.
Going back to the original topic... Mum finds it such hard work to pack her stuff every night and go off to the other room-thats in the Care Home and has the same number as hers. During the day Mum asks me where the other room is and we go looking for it. We can never find it even when we go off with map in hand to check all 50 rooms.
It's a comfort to know this happens to others too. I had no idea about Sundowning, Hostessing and this packing behaviour before Mum was taken ill. My main worry is that I don't want Mum to be stressed out. It's so difficult to answer her when she asks about the 'other place', and tells me there's another cardigan just like hers in it that I can have, so let's go there now and get it. Oh and by the way, she doesn't want to have to pay for the other room either. At least I can honestly reassure her about that.
Sorry to go on, I just realised that I'm not answering you question. I think you should try to go along with the 'snow globe' effect, and just tidy a little as and when you can. I try to be grateful that Mum is able to do this packing thing, as I expect a day will come when she won't be able to get out of bed and I'll look back and wish she could. Xx

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

My mom packed everything up in her room everyday. She placed her snacks in with her drawers of clothes. That made me nuts. I was able to get her use to keeping her snacks in her night stand. It's definitely a Dementia thing. Try not to get angry with your mom. I visited my mom daily. She even blamed the nurses for stealing her snacks. I use to tidy her room when she was away and tell her where everything is. She mixed her dirty clothes with clean clothes. As long as your mom is not pouring food everywhere don't worry.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

YES! The dirty clothes mixed with the clean! I'm getting more used to it every day... I never get angry with her. I try reassuring her.

(0)

Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Mom in memory care almost two weeks and packs all of her things up every night.

19 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions