Today I actually told my husband I hated him. How can I keep my temper in check?

You told your husband you hated him and in that moment you did hate him. You're not perfect and are living in a terrible situation.
Please either bring in some outside help and start looking into care facility placement for him. Many memory care facilities have different levels of care depending on a resident's level of independence. Some people are still sufficient and some aren't. There are memory care facilities who do not group everyone in together.
Your husband will only get worse and what will happen is you will become a slave to his care needs. You will also have to tolerate the hateful abusive behavior in silence like slaves did or be hurt.
What happens when your still very self-sufficient and mobile husband is having a bad dementia day and beats the crap out of you or worse?
I worked for an elderly married couple and the wife had Alzheimer's. She was still mobile and and self-sufficient. She dressed herself, fed herself, wasn't incontinent yet, and could hold a conversation all right. She'd get fixated on finding something that maybe she had 50 years ago or not at all, and when it wasn't found she'd get verbally abusive and violent. Her and I got along well. We really liked each other. One day I was helping her do some Holiday decorating. She couldn't find some decoration (she'd given it to her DIL like 20 years before her husband said) so she turned on me. Ordering me out of her house, and I stole it, and she's calling the police, etc... I couldn't just leave because there was no one home. She came after me armed with a pan.
At this time I was 29 years old, very strong and very fit. I grabbed her wrists in a vice grip and forced her to the floor. I called her husband (who was at his brother's house) and I kept her restrained on the floor until he got back. Her husband who had many bruises and cuts ranging from fresh to healing to healed, explained that she 'gets fiesty' sometimes. Her verbal abuse towards him was deplorable. He wouldn't place her though. Even when their adult kids begged him to. If it was today, she would have kicked my a$$. Her husband was a small and feeble old man that she was physically abusing.
One day she got all worked up over something and screaming abuse and obscenity at her husband wasn't enough. She took a knife out of the kitchen and stabbed him in the neck with it. He recovered but it took two surgeries, a week in the hospital and almost a month in rehab. While he was away the kids placed their mother. They had no choice and their father was actually happy about it.
Think about this. When the next Alzheimer's outburst your husband has is not satisfied with cruel verbal abuse, what will you do?
Are you strong enough to protect yourself and physically restrain him, not IF but WHEN you will have to at some point?
If you're answering 'no' to these two questions, then living alone with him is no longer safe. There will have to be 24-hour help living with you or your husband will have to be put in a care facility. Your safety is more important than what he wants.

I would tell him his hateful attitude needs to go away or you will leave. I had to tell my dad just today on the phone to stop being hateful. Be strong and don't let him control you. You can do it BE STRONG get a pouching bag I'am

Ok, I answered before, but now you’ve received lots of helpful advice to understand Alzheimer’s and Dementia. So, if you didn’t already know, now you get it.

But in terms of you losing control and keeping your temper in check, I get it. It’s amazing what stress can do to a person. I lost my mind tonight, and the guilt was overwhelming. I crossed a line and was mean. No doubt about it.

I pulled out my Daily Journal. I had stopped a while ago because I was doing well. You may want to try it. I start out my day with it, and then you do the second half in the evening. It helps you reorganize your thoughts and gives you perspective.

Daily Journal

Answer these questions in the morning:
Three things that I am grateful for...

How do I want to feel today?

What will I do today to feel the way that I want to feel?

Today’s affirmation, I am...

Other things on my mind...

Answer these questions in the evening:
Three great things that happened today...

What could I have done to make today even better?

Were there certain situations or people that triggered negative feelings and thoughts? What can I learn from this situation? Are there alternative and more positive ways of thinking, feeling and behaving?

Other things on my mind...

I''m going to tell you what happened to me. All my life I had a hard, sad, tragic life and I did everything I could to hold my feelings in and not "lash back" when it was deserved. I wanted people to approve and like me. This went on for years and I did not know how deadly it was for me and the great harm it was doing to me. Well, finally one day the light went on and for the first time, I stood my ground and fought back. Wow! I couldn't believe it. Since then when people do or say bad things to me, I no longer look at them as if it is something they can't control. No longer matters. I let them have it. In the process I grew immensely and suddenly had more confidence and became a leader of many and I could handle the difficulties of life so much easier. I did not seek trouble but when it came, I tackled it head on - not like the sweet, nice lady, so shy I once was. If someone does something to you, DO NOT HOLD IT IN - IT WILL HARM Y O U. Take care of yourself first from now on because I assure you no one else will. Then help where you can but if it gets to much for you, be strong and take the appropriate action to end it. Don't be a fool.

Here’s a silly analogy: remember the hypnotist - he would have someone strutting around clucking like a chicken? Instead of power of suggestion, imagine that hypnotist could make that change permanent.

Now, imagine that’s your husband. His brain has been “taken over” by Alzheimer’s. So Alzheimer’s is in your home, just doing it’s thing, it just looks like your husband.

When you get so frustrated you want to scream, remember that guy, strutting around clucking his little heart out - it may help. Humor is the only way through this - that or drugs!

I have mentioned this in other posts, because this has helped me so much with my dad and his Alzheimer's related aggression issues: THC. Hopefully you live in a state with legal medical Marijuana laws. If so, get thee to a dispensary and follow their instructions on how to get your husband and yourself licensed for medical Marijuana usage.
I watched a bunch of videos on the subject and read some articles. What I learned is that the combination of THC, Turmeric, and the active ingredient in black pepper, when combined, work wonders for calming and stabilizing Alzheimer's symptoms.
I found an oil at the dispensary with these ingredients and started dad on them in April 2021. Prior to that he was having angry outbursts 3-4 times per month, complete with physical abuse upon whoever was present, kids included. After I started him on the oil, these outbursts stopped. As long as he gets his THC oil every day, he is calm and pleasant. If I forgot, he was liable to act out.
He went three days without it when he went to visit my brothers in Sept. They didn't check his only bag for his meds. and he didn't get ANYTHING for 3 days-no supplements, no prescribed meds, no THC oil. On day 3 he had a terrible episode and did unspeakable things to his ex wife. She was his biggest trigger, but for some reason my brothers left him with her. He put his hands on her, and I felt terrible about it. But, as soon as they started taking proper care of him, giving him his meds and oil and regular meals and such, there were no more anger issues.
There have been none since. He gets agitated when his needs aren't met or he can't figure out the remote to the tv, but not aggressive and never mean.
I suggest you try it. Like I said, I use the oil form, but you can try flowers, edibles, or pills. Whichever you can get into his system the easiest.
and get some for yourself, as well. It will help you manage the stress and laugh about it sometimes.
I feel like I am on here telling people to get your loved one high! 😁😆😂 And I guess I am, but it is for the best of reasons, and it works!
Good luck!

Hi Donttestme,

I’m so sorry you’re struggling with your husband’s disease. It’s natural to expect this man to treat you decently and with love, but try to remember that in his mind, you could be some “thug” or annoying person from his past. He doesn’t necessarily understand it’s you on the floor. And then, just to keep you on your toes, the next five minutes (or so) he may remember it’s you again.

There are stages to Alzheimer’s and none are the same. So just when you’re used to one behavior, it will go away and be replaced with another.

There is an Alzheimer’s stage that causes the patient to be very aggressive and that may be what you’re currently seeing. But, please know, it won’t always be this way. He will change.

The best advice I can offer is to consider getting help, first. No one can take care if an Alzheimer’s patient by themselves, as much as you want to. Eventually there will come a time when it’s best for him and for you to get help. This is unhealthy for you both and with others helping, it will give him a sense is structure, which Alzheimer’s patients desperately need and give you self-care, which u
you need!

It’s very helpful to try to remember you are entering HIS world, which is not the same as your world. I’m afraid expecting him to treat you the way he used to, are gone. You may see glimpses of him, but please, to help yourself and him, try to change your perspective because he doesn’t have the ability to. And please get some help.

I wish for you, patience, love and self care too.

Blessings.

#1 Don't move boxes that are too heavy or bulky for you. I'm quite serious in making this point number one. As your husband's abilities decline and you become more stressed, you will be tempted to do (and, worse, to rush) more things yourself because - ironically - it seems easier. Make this a wake-up call to look around for people you can delegate tasks to, be that handypeople, cleaners, gardeners, plumbers, all the rest of the domestic workforce.

#2 Consider getting a telecare or personal alarm service, which can just as logically be for yourself as for your husband. If he falls, you can use it; and if you do, or you do have that emergency, you can.

#3 Look up your local Area Agency on Aging. If your profile is correct and your husband is only 66 you might not have thought in these terms; but the AAAs are often very useful sources of information about practical help and support groups.

Your anger came from stress and overload. Think of it as a pulled emotional muscle, and don't blame yourself for being hurt.

See if you can find a support group or even a Zoom support group.

People who haven’t been there just can’t understand. .

Reading this forum just isn’t enough —-Connecting with others going through this will.

Difficult to not come unglued now and then. Fully understand what you are felling and want to say "You are not alone". Stay strong and hang in there. And thanks for all you do.

Donttestme: Imho, you are a STELLAR caregiver, while a mortal being and caring for someone with a broken brain.

I totally understand your situation.
Only it’s my 91 year old mom that lives in my home & I am her caregiver. My only sibling( older brother) passed away in 2017. My mom lives in my home with me & my hubby.She has sundowners. So after dark, her behavior changes. She becomes aggressive with me. She will argue with me & will sometimes throw items. She often tells my husband how much she appreciates him & thanks him when he does something. Nothing said to me. Its tough, I take it personally. I know she’s not always aware. Sadly she’s my sole responsibility, I can’t count on anyone. It gets very overwhelming, even with my hubby helping.
My husband reassured me, that she will not remember her behavior or being mean. It’s very tough. Her social worker & mine have also told me that she sees me more as her “maid” than daughter. Soon we are getting her placed into an assisted living facility. It’s the best as she will have care 24/7. Also so I can regain my role as daughter.
Only advice I can suggest “ endure best you can “
Hope you stay healthy and have happiness.

Try to remember that it's his disease that makes him act this way and that he's not his true self. Alzeimer's can cause changes in personality and temperament and a lot of times they change for the worse. I would try to get some in home help or full time help if this gets too much for you.

You are in luck since memory retention is seldom past the first few seconds. Loosing your temper is actually a healthy response versus trying to hold it all in. If I had to count the number of times I lost mine regarding dealing with a similar scenario, I am sure hell’s reservations would have already called me to reassure me of my accommodations being ready. One juicy kiss once the angry emotion levels back to normal, tickling allowed too, and favorite treat and we are back to square one, with all the angels in heaven showering invisible gold stars for being nice.

Just a (((hug))) and a “you are not alone”. I hope you find a way to give yourself more breaks - but also give yourself more grace - you are doing the hardest job in the world - we see you. 🦋

Dealing with this is not for sissies! It is tough to say the least. I just take things one day at a time, grateful for the better days and hang tough on the harder ones. I also hate this disease as I am watching the person I love just going away little by little. The Long Goodbye about covers it. Remember he can't help it and on some level hates what is happening to him also!

Reading your post and the post of others here, shows you that you are not alone. I too, don't know how I will get through this. My sister and I alternate days helping mom who has dementia. She was a lousy mother, a lousy wife to all 6 of her husbands, and now this. To top it off, my husband's memory is getting really bad. No diagnosis yet, but it looks like my future is rather bleak.

I hope it gives you some comfort knowing others feel your pain, and totally understand. It's harder when you feel that nobody understands.

I understand how you feel. I’m solely the caregiver for my mom and I feel like saying certain things myself. When you feel angry take a break, a short walk. I actually lick myself in the bathroom until I feel better. You’re going through a difficult time and unfortunately we know it’s not going to get better. But hang in there and if you have at least one could friend for support lean on them and vent. It works

I call my outbursts 'kitchen cussing' because when I'm in there, and out of earshot, I can say out loud the frustration I feel at times. Whether or not your husband remembers things you say to him, saying I'm sorry won't hurt either of you.

Actually, in my opinion, I think two things happened when you fell. It irritated you and may have scared him. The tone in your/his voices reflected this more so than anger. It's like trying to hang curtain rods or repairing something that is not working out just right. I get really aggravated and don't want anyone talking to me - I tend to snap back until I get things working like I want them to. I'm not really mad at the person offering advice or help, but it sure sounds that way.

Xanax or Ativan. Get an Rx script from your doctor for yourself. Then things like you describe won't bother you as much. Really takes the edge off. Much safer and less destructive than alcohol.

I realized one day that my husband with dementia had become totally self-absorbed and never considered me at all! I try not to take it personally because it is a symptom of dementia, but it is very hard. Just take one day at a time and if someone offers to help in any way, take them up on it. Be kind to yourself - go for a walk with a friend, have a glass of wine, get a good book from the library, get a massage, go for a pedicure, etc. Do whatever gives you a few minutes of peace. Sending you a hug!

It is horrible when people have mental issues. I can't stand dealing with this and will never put myself in that position. He may not be capable of clear thought and that you rebelled at his "inconsideration" is to me, perfectly justified and rational. You are hurt, physically and abused because of his attitude, who would not go on the attack? You are normal. If you can, get a caretaker to relieve you or better yet, start living your life in peace and place him before it gets much worse.

After reading through all these comments, questions and pleas, I think we are all going through hell and doing a damn good job taking care of our loved ones. We should not feel guilt nor self deprecation but realize the disease is bigger than all of us, including the health industry. I am lucky in that my spouse is gentle and kind and always has been, however it is exhausting at times caring for him. Take pleasure whenever you can in the person in your care and take pleasure in small and ever smaller things. It's horribly tough, but I believe we can do this as much as each of us can, and we will survive.

I know that feeling. And the guilt that follows. Taking care of my mother at home after a long day of coaxing, cajoling, begging for cooperation, I would fume like a cartoon character with steam shooting out both ears. “FINE!!!” And I would exit the room. Beat a hasty retreat from my own feelings before I lost control. “What about me. My health? “My life?

Get help now. Make some kind of plan going forward to ensure your heart and soul.

I learned to curse the disease and not my mom (who had Alzheimer's). I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms; A Caregiver's Tale." (I thought of the title whe I was drivng home from work one day, and I realized that my once broad life was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog. I tried to find the humor in things. When she would tell me to, "Drop dead and go somepalce warm, " (over nothing, but the way,) I'd tell her I better bring sunscreen and a hat. My mom wouldn't have have spoken to anyone in that manner, over anything, let alone me, over nothing. I'm sorry you're going through this.

You are only human. Take comfort that he will not remember this. Give yourself a break because there will be new challenges tomorrow.

I cared for my husband for over nine years. During the last six months (before his death in July), I told him I hated him. Of course, I didn't hate HIM, but those are the words that came out of my mouth and I couldn't take them back. I didn't like what he had become, but it wasn't his fault. I hated the disease Progressive Supranuclear Palsy (a neurological condition from Agent Orange - similar to Parkinson's disease, dementia and blindness).

Saying those words - are the only thing I regret during all the years I cared for him. I know it is hard. I prayed that God would give me patience and understanding and to keep my mouth closed. For your own sanity in to the future, please try not to verbalize the sentiment to your husband.

I can totally relate to the hateful thoughts and feelings. I started writing in a journal. It was a place I could put down all my feelings. Many of them were ugly.
Many of the entries included the statement, "I don't like her." Here was a place I could put it all down without holding back. My 96 year old mother has lived with me for a year and a half. I have told her on several occasions that she's a Diva. She doesn't argue.

Of course you don't hate your husband, but hate the situation you are faced with and came to a point where your feelings came pouring out. I think we have all been there. I have blown my top at my mother only to receive a bewildering look from her.

I don't know if writing in a journal will help you, but I find it a great relief to be able to "say" everything I'm thinking and feeling, good, bad, and ugly.

God Bless us all who have taken on the task He has given us - serve others.

Welcome to my world. My ex-military, ex-State police officer My freaking HERO for 45years sat on the sofa and watched me trip backwards over the ironing board —hit the back of my head against the wall — then slam sideways onto the floor and faint. I hit so hard I let go of a stream of urine

when I came to he was just standing over me not saying anything just staring blankly. He is also in the early stages of the disease.

later that day I scolded him for not helping me up. “You can’t even get help for me”. He snapped back “At least the ironing board didn’t kick my A-s“

Same for me, lots of hateful talk and criticism. Then a psychiatric nurse prescribed Lexapro/escitalopram for anxiety. 2.5 dose helped. Now at 5.0 dose. It has changed him for the better. He can say he loves me and that I help him so much. Rarely does he display any anger . He holds my hand and says it feels so good to touch and be friends. Situations where he has to answer a lot of questions (for hearing aide tests, for PT evaluations) are stressful for him and he gets angry. Avoid them and I am good with him again. Medication, the right medication, can help. If it is only for awhile I will take that over the anger.