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My head tells me it’s real. My heart still hasn’t quite accepted it. I guess since it’s only been slightly over a week since she’s been gone.


I do take comfort that she is at peace and has joined my father in the afterlife.


I went to the store to buy things I needed and saw all of the Mother’s Day displays and started to cry. I know that it will be easier later on but this first Mother’s Day so soon after her death is very hard.


I turned the television off because of the ads for Mother’s Day.


I find myself wanting the day to be over with. I love my children very much and appreciate the sentiment of Mother’s Day but I know that my mom will be close to my heart throughout the day.


Sympathy cards are arriving in the mail. I know that it’s wonderful to be thought, I do appreciate them but it makes me so sad to read them.

For all the mothers out there, either with their own kids or becoming mother to their own mothers, Happy Day. For the good mothers, past and present, every day should be mother's day. Same for fathers, grandparents, etc.

To those of us who've lost a mother, it's still a day to reflect on the good times shared over the years.
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Reply to disgustedtoo
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The "first" everything without someone is always hard. It just hurts.

That's just your mom's memory burrowing a little deeper in your heart. Hugs to you.
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I could have written your post myself, my friend. My prayers are with you. The first few weeks are the hardest, and I felt the same way immediately after Mama died on 12/11 - my head told me it was real, but my heart would not accept it.

My first holiday without Mama was Christmas. That was very difficult, as our little family (me, Mama and Hubs) usually celebrated it all by ourselves, so the day really revolved around Mama. I would get her a few little gifts like her favorite candies and some flowers, and hang her special wreath in her window so that she could see the colorful lights. I would also make a special dinner of prime rib (Mama loved her beef!) with sautéed mushrooms and a nice salad - also her favorite - and we would have a wonderful day together. That first Christmas was awful, and this past Easter was pretty difficult as well, because Mama always looked forward to the little Easter basket full of Hershey Kisses that I would give her.

As this Mother's Day approached, I also avoided the store displays and changed the channel on the TV whenever the commercials came on. But now that the day is actually here, I feel strangely calm and relieved. I know that it would be much harder if Mama had just recently passed, as opposed to five months ago. It also helps that I will be very busy today, as we're in the middle of moving to another city and will be taking another couple of carloads of small stuff to the new house before the movers come for the furniture tomorrow. (And this may sound macabre, but I finally packed Mama's urn last night and will have it in the car with me today, so we'll be together on Mother's Day after all.)

This day will pass, as have all the others since our Mamas went to Heaven. If you feel sad, let the tears flow, and then smile at the memories of the Mother's Days past. My own eyes are full as I write this, as I'm thinking that my Mama would tell me, "Don't cry, Baby Girl - it's YOUR day now."

❤️
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I was never big on "holidays" per se... I've referenced them as "Hallmark Days." To me it's more important we spend "regular" days together and enjoy each other. This sort of started when the kids were little, because we had to share these days with their dad. If they were away for a holiday, we'd just celebrate on a different day, if others wanted to get together.

Anyway, the hardest one for me was Christmas. I'm not religious and mom really wasn't either. But, I did get her cards and sometimes little gifts for the usual days. I had a card already for Christmas, but hadn't put together any gifts yet when we lost her. I see the card and it upsets me that I didn't get to send it to her. Even worse, the staff would often put together cards, etc from the residents. So, in the mail comes a card from mom along with a picture of her. That arrived sometime after we lost her. That was difficult.

Of course you would feel sad now, being inundated with all the ads and displays so soon after losing your mother. I still get annoyed with the email ads for Father's Day gifts - he's been gone for quite some time now. Never mind that I think it's all commercial buy buy buy... My daughter once picked a handful of the little weed flowers growing out back and brought them in to me. THAT meant more to me than any stupid Hallmark card or various "gifts" given on the days THEY determine are worthy! I told her that and have tried to reinforce that over time. Your gifts from the heart are worth more than all the cards on the shelves!
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NeedHelpWithMom May 9, 2021
Disgustedtoo,

Oh, I used to love those little flowers that my kids picked for me! It was so sweet.

Lots of holidays get blown out of proportion nowadays. I feel the same.

I actually like doing things spontaneously. It’s fun to do things that aren’t necessarily planned and are wonderful surprises anytime of the year.
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Thanks she was.
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Reply to Nazdrovia
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I lost my lovely mother
2.5 years ago and miss her terribly. If only she'd lived and my father had gone first. She was a joy to be with. Uncomplaining, easy to please. Just happy to go along. I guess the only way she could escape from the prison my father had her in, was to pass away. Hard words? But the truth.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 8, 2021
Naz,

Your mom sounds so lovely.
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NGE,

Weekends only? Okay 👍

Temporary jobs are nice once in awhile.
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Daughter,

I have broken down in tears before in Mass. something would trigger my pain and it is a spontaneous reaction. Our churches are open now. I have been streaming Mass or watching it on television. I do miss attending Mass but I am thinking I will watch this Sunday’s Mass on television.

I do have a Mass scheduled for my mom and the vigil candle to be burned on the alter for her. I will definitely attend that service. My daughters will too. My younger daughter will be in town for mom’s burial and Mass.
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I don't know how I'm going to be on Sunday, like you this will be the first for me.

My job is getting to the slow time of year, when I will start to have my weekends off again. I had been planning on going to church - between work and the pandemic, I haven't been "in" church in a looooonnnnnggggg time - but I usually went to church with mom. I had to think twice about it - I figure the first time I'm back in church is going to be fairly emotional to begin with. I think doing both first Mother's day AND first time back in church on the same day might equate to having to sponge me off the floor, so discretion being the better part of valor, I'm going to hold off in-person services until probably next Sunday.

The Mother's Day commercials haven't been making me too emotional, mostly because I normally find them trite and annoying to begin with (but that's just part of my strange personality :) ). And my mom was not one to hold much value in Mother's Day (I believe she referred to it as a "Hallmark Holiday" - and not in a complimentary manner), so I'm hoping to not be too much of an emotional wreck. I have a feeling my sisters are going to have a worse time with it than I am - my one sister who was sort of absent through my mom's illness has no children, and my other sister who was here much more often has children, but they live a distance from her. My kids are still at home, so I will have some distractions that they might not have.

I think if I'm feeling blue, I'll spend some time puttering in my garden. Being around green, growing things (excepting mold in the fridge!! Yikes!!) usually makes me feel a little less sad.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 7, 2021
NGE,

I hear you! Many things have become so commercialized! I have to tell you that my mom and I stopped going out to dinner for Mother’s Day ages ago! Too crowded, bad service unless we made reservations at a place that did ‘limited seating’ so the staff wasn’t overwhelmed.

I love breakfast out in Mother’s Day. That’s fun! Dinner the day before or after was the way to go for us, not having to deal with the mayhem.

Of course, in later years, mom wasn’t well enough to go out to dinner, so my husband cooked for us or he would get take out for everyone.

This is the first year that my younger daughter will be away. She moved to Denver and she is coming in town for mom’s funeral soon, and I don’t expect her to take off work for Mother’s Day to see me.

I love nature too. I hope your work schedule eases up soon. Sounds like a grind!

We’re going to get through this hurdle, right? All the best to you, NGE.
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Basically I have used the day to celebrate my Mom and the love we shared. It has never been difficult for me, and I am uncertain why. I think perhaps that my parents and my brother were so lucky as to have long and productive and loving lives, in which all issues were resolved. I honestly felt nothing but relief that they would not suffer longer when they passed. I miss them, but the special days are full of special memories. I just passed the first anniversary of my brother's passing and wondered why it was a bit hard for me. I think just the certainty that he is gone, and while I FEEL I communicate with him every day, I honestly don't, because he is well and certainly gone.
I hope your day will go all right, NeedHelp. Firsts are always milestones in which we think deeply about it.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 7, 2021
You are correct in how you feel, Alva. They aren’t suffering any longer. It is special to have resolved issues and I am grateful for that too.

I think that from what you have told us on this forum, your relationship with your brother was indeed very special. He sounds like he was a great person. I enjoy reading about how responsible he was in his life. He was a planner, certainly not a guy to fly by the seat of his pants. Oh my gosh, my oldest brother was a guy that did no planning. I was always amazed when things went well for him because most of the time he paid the price for being a guy who flew by the seat of his pants.

I like that you reflect on special memories on Mother’s Day. I know that I will include happy memories on Mother’s Day. Maybe I will buy her favorite flowers to remember her by. Maybe I will think of her favorite perfume, her favorite food. She won’t be here physically to share all of her favorite things, but you are right, the memories don’t have to die with her.
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I'm sorry you’ve joined another club that no one wants to be a member of, Mother’s Day has been hard for me each year and it’s been 12 years now. I’m not as prone to instant tears as I used to be but still don’t enjoy the time around it. The endless ads, call your mom, make sure you’ve got a gift for mom, spend the day with mom, it’s relentless and tiring. I never go to church on MD, it’s proven to be a bad idea having to sit still and listen to the focus on it. Usually my husband and I, along with any of my adult children who are around, spend the day going to somewhere outdoors and pretty. We hike, picnic, just have a little day trip, and talk about other things. My children know my dislike of the day, but I don’t focus on it with them as I want them to feel good about it. I always just want the day to be over, as you mention. This is all very fresh and new for you, given some time the pain definitely lessens, but I don’t think we ever stop missing our moms. It’s wonderful to know our moms are at peace and no longer suffering. A pastor once told me that we don’t grieve for people, we only grieve for ourselves and what we lost. My children lost a grandmother far sooner than was fair, I lost a support that meant the world to me. When my dad died last summer I joined the orphans, several people told me they felt that way when losing their last parent. You’re also there now and it’s a strange feeling to process. One of my stray thoughts when my dad died was, great, now I’ll hate Father’s Day too! I wish you peace and the comfort of good memories, hope it will go better than you think
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NeedHelpWithMom May 7, 2021
Thank you, Daughter1930

I am extremely happy that mom is out of pain, that’s for sure. I think all of the ads are getting to me BIG TIME!

Plus, I went to buy thank you cards. One for the hospice organization and the other for clergy. Of course, I had to walk right past the huge display of Mother’s Day cards. I couldn’t even look in that direction.

Oh my gosh, church is normally joyful on Mother’s Day for me, but I see your point of church being difficult at certain times. Mother’s Day is a big deal at our church. Roses are passed out to the moms. Moms are always mentioned in the homily and we are asked to stand up so the priest can say a special blessing for us. Constant reminders! Our church always has beautiful flowers on the alter for special occasions. Mom loved flowers, just like my grandmother and myself. My mother in law did too. They all grew lovely flowers in their gardens and my mother in law grew pretty African violets inside.

It’s interesting that mom died so very close to the day that my father died. Oh, I struggled horribly the first Father’s Day after daddy died. My children were young so I was still picking out the Father’s Day cards for them and I went into the store to select the card and I burst into tears. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I would never see daddy again or hear his voice ever again. I had to walk out of the store, cry in my car, compose myself, before I could go back into the store to purchase a card.

Your pastor was right in saying that we grieve for ourselves. I do feel that the feelings are intense because mom died so recently. I suppose it is better to be going through the grieving process at this time. I have known people who hold everything together for a long time and later they experience a delayed reaction out of the blue that they weren’t prepared for. It wasn’t that they hadn’t cared. They say that they were possibly in shock, plus in order for them to plan the funeral and do all of the necessary things after a death that they pushed away the tears. Everyone does handle grief differently.

The way we grieve has changed quite a bit from the past too. I remember grandma telling me that in her day, women wore black dresses for a solid year and men wore black armbands for an entire year. They did not participate in any types of entertainment such as listening to the radio or going out dancing and so on. Oh my gosh, now some people get married six weeks after burying their spouses. Those things would have been considered disrespectful and disgraceful.
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