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My mommy ❤️ died on the 27th April 2021 but she had been in hospital for about 5 days before dying there. From time to time her eyes were open and rolling a little back very quickly. She was on oxygen, no blueishness as they when people Start dying , her urine was reddish on the first day. The second day it turned normal yellow but there was very little urine in the bag. She was only on IV and I kept asking her if she was hungry . She only tried to say yes once. Other than that when I kept talking to her loudly , she would just look at me or sleep. Did I kill my mother in the hands of bad hospital doctors?

My husband fell in Feb. 2020, after fusion on spine, spent 5 months in hospitals/nursing homes (about the time the pandemic hit), so rehab places wouldn't let him use gym...there was no improvement. He opted to come home to die (total quadriplegic). I got in-home hospice...they were wonderful, came everyday to change/wash him. They supplied equipment/drugs. I was glad to have the last 4 months at home with him. About 2 weeks before his death, he couldn't swallow, so blended food or Boost/Ensures, then he couldn't drink. And he told me, "I think the end is near." a week later, I noticed he didn't want to watch TV (his favorite), and kept squinting his eyes or stared into space. He stopped talking, although I knew he could hear me. And he died peacefully at home the end of Oct. 2020, with me beside him. You (and the Dr.s) DID NOT do anything wrong, it's just the way people die. Eating goes first, sight second, and speech last. Right after he passed, noticed liquid from his eyes (he was still warm). Hospice was a big help. You did everything you could for your Mom. But don't blame yourself (or any Dr) for any of it. She is resting at peace now. I find it helpful to keep a picture on my computer, and if I want to talk/grieve, I talk to the pic of him and I at our wedding 11 years prior. May God bless you, and give you peace in your memories.
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Reply to NJartist
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I am very sorry for the loss of your mom.

As others told you, she was dying. You did NOT kill your mom. I recently lost my mom too. This is a time of grieving for us.

I wish you well. Take comfort that your mom is at peace.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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This happens often when people struggle to come out of the almost drug-like space of dying. The term "He turned his face to the wall" used to mean he began to actively die. The dying become uninterested or it becomes difficult for them to respond to the world, but sometimes they feel they should fight to stay. That is often when you see the eye stuff.
As to the urine, concentrated urine turns so brownish and rusty looking that it appears red-brown in color. The lack of urine was dehydration and the kidneys shutting down.
I hope the hospital personnel helped you with understanding some of the process; hospice often serves to do that when they are involved. I am so sorry for your loss.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Of course you didn't "kill your mother". OMG no! The death process can be long and multifaceted, with each organ performing differently. Sometimes eyes twitch or roll, sometimes eyes won't open, sometimes eyes just stare into space. There's nothing you did or didn't do that caused this! It's part of the body transitioning (another way of saying it is, shutting down). She did not starve, and even if you gave her food, her body may not have been able to process it (that she was barely passing urine shows that they kidney function was declining). YOU DID THE BEST!
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Reply to Tynagh
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No, you didn't kill your mom, nor were the doctors a part of the equation. Each person has different things that happen during the stages of dying, but, the in and out of consciousness with flickering eyes is relatively normal. It is very doubtful your mom was hungry. What you are experiencing, the second guessing of your decisions many people have experienced. While it may not be listed as part of the grief process, it is important that you seek counseling. Hospice and many hospitals offer free counseling service. Please find,.register and attend.
Sorry for your loss
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Reply to thingsarecrazy8
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Chevy48 May 3, 2021
Thank you so much for your help because I have been crying for days before and after my poor mother died. I say poor because her spouse - my father- wasn't at all respectful of her even though she raised me well enough. Her illnesses came about 8 years ago when she was only 71 and I truly believe the spouse who degraded her loudly in front of everyone in and out of the neighborhood, neglected her as a very good human being and yet he lives on, right on top of my own apartment. I'm so sad that life wasn't fair to her.
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No, you did not kill your mother. It is expected sometimes to have feelings of guilt after a loved one passes. Part of the dying process is for our systems to shut down, including digestive system. Do you think mom starved? She didnt. Continuing to feed her, with digestive system shutting down, would have caused her extreme pain and discomfort.

Find grief support for yourself. If she was on hospice they will offer counseling for a year following the death. Many churches also have brief support. Or individual counseling. There are online brief support groups available, as well.
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Chevy48 May 3, 2021
Thank you my friend for giving me the peace I needed.
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I'm sorry you are struggling with this, perhaps grief counselling would be helpful for you. I think that too many of us have a Hollywood image of what dying is like, and dying is seldom that fast or peaceful. Try not to dwell on those images, when you find yourself reliving the moments force yourself to stop and think of a happier memory.
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Chevy48 May 3, 2021
I do try to remember every good moment with my mom and our pictures show it. She was very kind and people say she was actually too nice. I hate that she lived her last 7 years of her life bedridden. I love her so much.
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