Support and vent about sister. If you have any sage advice, I'd be glad to hear it.

You've done what you can, in light of the fact that Mom should not make that trip in her condition you offered to host. After the dust settles and after the Holiday make an offer to sister to arrange for some type of celebration at Mom's facility for the whole family to get together. Do your best to arrange it on her schedule. I have a cousin that doesn't travel, lives 3.5 hours away. Her birthday is Christmas Eve, so that as not to interfere with other family plans she holds a lunch the weekend before Christmas (this year 12/16). This was I can attend by driving down Friday night before and staying and heading home after lunch. Her college friend will arrive from several hours away on Saturday and go home on Sunday. We all get to visit and then still have our own Holiday celebrations with our own families.

Beth, your sister doesn't have a clue. Until I became a 24/7 caregiver for my 89yr old dad 2yrs ago and have become acutely aware of every aspect of his needs and have watched his general age-related and rapid decline, I had no clue what it took to care for someone like this. After my mother passed almost 7yrs ago, it startled me each time I saw my dad every 6mo or so as to how he had changed physically. People who aren't in our position live oblivious to what we're aware of on a daily basis. In my experience, adult children (a couple of my siblings) who see an elderly parent infrequently tend to think of mom or dad as "frozen in time" and still physically and mentally capable of doing things they were capable of 5, 10, 15 yrs ago. That was me pre-caregiver. And traveling? Traveling is exhausting. Twice now I've driven my dad from NE Kansas to Central Tennessee to visit relatives. GPS says 10.5hrs. One day, no problem, right? Sixteen hrs later we arrive, me exhausted to the point of numbness and still have to attend to my dad's needs every day--and night--for the entire visit. After that, we made it a 2-day trip. Your sister doesn't have a clue. But you already know that. So many good suggestions given in this thread. Anywayyyy, I hope you ended up having an enjoyable day.

I'm wondering who has POA? That is quite rude of the sister to get mom all worked up to go to Milwaukee without knowing any of the health reasons why it would so difficult for her to travel that distance.

Why do you have to go call your sister? It wasn't your monkey!

I agree with Countrymouse and wish I'd learned that type of response long ago. We are so far past this point now. I visit Dad every day in MC. He used to ask me about my siblings (all local) at every visit. Now his dementia has worsened to the point of very little logic, and he no longer asks. If they ever show up for a visit, I don't know that he will remember them. Food for thought....

I am note sure why the OP is involved in this at all. Sis invited mom to Thanksgiving. So as far as I see it is for those two to work out the logistics. OP was never contacted so I assume not invited.

A few years back my father was invited to a family christening. I was not. I was not upset but my father was livid. Not because he felt I was snubbed...no...how was HE going to get there if I was not going??? He insisted I call then and demand an invite. I laughed at him. He called my cousin who said of course I was invited...cousin was not the host and I refused to accept that as an invite. It ended with my cousin driving 2 hours to take my father. Next time there was an event I got invited. I declined because I felt I was only invited so my father would have a ride and by a relative's comment I was proved correct.

Beth, please come back and tell us how things worked out.

Izzy, they don't know? How sad for your parents.

You are not responsible in any way for your sisters offers she makes to your mom. I wouldn't argue with her or your mom. when mom raises the question of your sister I would simply say, mom she has her family and I have mine. if she wants you to visit that is wonderful but she must make all of her own arrangements to get you there and back. than I would change the subject. as far as your sister I wouldn't bother with her as you know you cant win with someone who is demanding and pushy.
I have the opposite problem I have four sisters who haven't seen my parents in over 30 years. they are busy with their own families they claim. my parents recently both died and they don't even know it.
how sick is that?
enjoy your holidays everyone....

Carla, more insights from you - I think you're right; sometimes these dynamics never change, and I think sometimes there's comfort in our parents falling back into those roles as opposed to accepting the role of being helpless and needing care.

I've learned to ask for opinions even if I already know what I'm going to do. People need to feel needed, even as they're inching toward the century mark.

I also think that for some people, it's still a contest for the parent's love and approval, even if the parent is long past the point of thinking about anything but their own comfort and needs. If the parent comes to my house, I'm the favored one. If I have to go to another sibling's house to be with the parent, then they're the favorite. It's crazy but some "mature" adults still have that in the backs of their minds.

RayLin: "People want the glory and pats on the back. But not the responsibility, never the responsibility."

You're right. Sometimes I think siblings harbor long held resentments from childhood and also want to boss their caregiver sibling around, not realizing they're acting out of years old animosity or sibling rivalry.

Carla: "A lot of people want the Hallmark Card or the Normal Rockwell painting of a family sitting around the holiday table; they don't want the reality of dealing with an elderly person's needs and limitations. They expect those of us who handle all that daily to just go the extra mile to make that Norman Rockwell fantasy a reality for them."

So true, so very true.

I'm beginning to think that these feelings are behind more of the noncooperative sibling phenomenon. Sure, some siblings just can't be caregivers, and some don't want to be.

Thanks to both of you for presenting an alternative to what I used to think was just a lazy, noncooperative, manipulative sibling. I think there really are deeper issues involved.

I had a similar situation as yours. Brother never did anything while my husband and I lived with Mom to take care of her for 5 years. Now Mom is in assisted living and slowly adjusting.

It took me a while to know how to deal with him and his wife's inability to visit her although they only live an hour away and they criticized me for anything and everything. They even went as far as to say they would take me to court.

Well, after discussing this situation with my Elder Lawyer (who actually laughed and assured me that they cannot harm me in any way), I chose not to speak with them by phone, but send short email reports every once in a while with a photo of Mom. These I keep in a folder as proof...just in case.

In this way, I as legal caretaker still, am fulfilling my responsibilities and thus not give them any material to later use against me. Mind you, not that they could win, but the time and energy involved would not be something I would want to waste if it happened.

Maybe a short email update once a month or when something critical happens, might be enough to find your inner peace with this situation...even though they do not deserve it.

PS:
And as far as them confusing your Mom, well, that cannot be helped. Anyone can get confused when receiving conflicting messages or when being invited to something they just cannot physically handle. I have found that hugging Mom and explaining how much I love her and that we will have a great thanksgiving together, usually returns her to peace. It's amazing how much a gentle loving hug and words can do to heal someone's heart!

I learned when dealing with my family after my mother got old, that's there's a huge difference between sentiment and actual caring. A lot of people want the Hallmark Card or the Normal Rockwell painting of a family sitting around the holiday table; they don't want the reality of dealing with an elderly person's needs and limitations. They expect those of us who handle all that daily to just go the extra mile to make that Norman Rockwell fantasy a reality for them.

Even knowing that, I'm astonished that your sister didn't even have the courtesy of calling you first to broach the idea with you - after all, you'd be doing the driving, and presumably also a guest at the dinner. Or did she honestly think Mom could drive herself 4.5 hours each way to come to Thanksgiving Dinner?

It sounds to me that maybe you and sis have had clashes in the past that led her to try an end run around you to get Mom to do exactly what Mom is now doing. Not that that excuses her manipulation.

If I were you, I'd simply tell sis that Mom can't drive that far and nobody else is available to bring her since you'll all be getting together in your city that day. If Mom can't safely travel that far, say that instead. Of course, your sister pretty well closed off this discussion by calling Mom instead of you and then hanging up on you when you called her. Shame on her!

The problem is like the one I deal with. Those distant but closely related relatives are absolutely clueless about the loved one's abilities. They are mentally lazy and think come to me versus me come to you. I deal with this all the time with my daughter. When you visit your mother, call them via Skype, hang outs, Facebook whatever but at her age, let all calls be facetime so she can see her loved ones. We watch my granddaughter's volleyball games via skype, my granddaughter's cheerleading, our other grandson's soccer and she loves it. We are there in spirit and have front row seats indirectly. The kids love it as well knowing nanna and gg are watching. Good luck.

Do what I did - tell them to come and pick her up and be prepared to bring her home again.

Then let them know that the time they have her away from home, they are responsible for her health and safety.

It stopped my nephew & sister from taking Pop out of state.

People want the glory and pats on the back. But not the responsibility, never the responsibility.

I like GardenArtist post.
Its hindsight right and u were protecting Mom but maybe you shouldn't have called sister. Does Mom have Dementia. You could have taken it as something Mom made up, said "thats nice". Then when sister called u about bringing her you could have said you have made plans and can't. Then say since she made the invite transportation was sisters problem. Put the ball in her court. I feel for Mom but u could explain that plans fell thru. Again put it in sisters court that "she" was unable to pick her up and you can't because ur plans were made a while ago. So for this year she can come to your house or enjoy a nice meal at the AL. Maybe next year to sisters. When sister calms down and maybe u too (I know), call her and tell her she needs to visit Mom. Explain she has no idea where Mom is at this point. That traveling that long is just not doable because of her health. That a 4 hr drive could go into a six with stops for potty breaks. And to please not ask Mom for a visit unless she is willing to pick her up and bring her back. Try not to say anything about how much you already do.

Nantucket, you make a good point, something I too have realized along this caregiving journey. Although I've tried different methods to involve a sibling, it won't happen beyond what that sibling has decided or not decided to do. It only frustrates me when I try, so I'm just not trying any more. It isn't worth the grief.

This is VERY typical. God bless the people who think they can reason with a completely unreasonable sibling. If that was the case this board would be empty. I completely sympathize. Just please know you are not alone. I am learning slowly that to get upset at THESE people is pointless, although very easy to lose your patients and temper with narcissistic people. While I do agree unless you are a full time caregiver you don't have a clue, 'these people' simply do not want to be bothered and are VERY manipulative. Sad but true.

Hi Beth...so sorry you’re having to deal with this along with all your caregiving duties. I haven’t read all the posts but think Sunflow gave a great suggestion and one I would take...let your sister know you think y’all’s mom would love to visit and to let you know which day and time you should have mom ready to be picked up. If she fusses over that you can tell her that you already have your Thanksgiving day and dinner all planned out and there simply is no rational way changes to your plans can be made. Put the ball in her court. Sadly though, you’ll probably find out just how little your sister really wants to see her mother. (Jeeze, I could write VOLUMES about my sister and how hateful she is but another time....). Wishing you and yours a safe and blessed holiday!

GardenArtist, I think you are so right in that there are some very manipulative siblings involved in these situations. BethandDan, I have a sister very much like yours who offers to do things for my mother but then cancels out with a bad migraine when it comes time to help or is willing to host a dinner without doing the hard work of getting mother to their home. I think we all have to remember that we must care for ourselves as the caregivers; so many people on this site are becoming so miserable, depressed while attempting to placate their elderly family members. BethandDan, I think you can rest assured that you will be providing a lovely Thanksgiving for your mother. Don't feel guilty about not making the drive. Your sister is being unrealistic and a little bit manipulative, although she might not be doing this consciously.

I would just tell your mother that she is welcome to go to sister's for Thanksgiving, but you have planned your own and will not be attending. Tell your mother she is more than welcome to attend either sister's or yours and that if she attends yours, you will be glad to come get her. If she would like to go to sister's, tell her she will need to work that out with sister as you have your own Thanksgiving to plan and attend.

I think sister wants to look like the good guy and invite mom but doesn't want to do any work to make it happen. So you wind up looking like the bad guy to mom because you won't make it happen. Phooey on sis. She's either clueless and willfully ignorant or playing head games with your mom.

I'd be cordial but keep my distance. I just feel bad for mom. It sounds like she has some cognitive decline and can't reason out that the invitation from sis isn't really a responsible invite. So she may be unhappy with you. I'd just tell her that you've told sis she's welcome to come get her - you'd be delighted for her to spend the time with your sister. But you can't take her there, you'll be with your own family. Put the onus on sis.

I have a bit of a different take on the sister's actions. To suggest that you bring your mother to Milwaukee and take her home could infer one of several things, most of which have already been stated. I think Sunny hint on something deeper. It wouldn't surprise me if your sister is specifically manipulating to avoid having to do the driving, to create a situation in which you claims she wanted to have your mother visit but you refused to cooperate.

Add that to the alleged concern over dying, and she has another poison tipped arrow in her quiver.

Perhaps I'm paranoid, but there have been so many posts here on manipulative but noncontributory siblings that I begin to suspect when someone seems to be playing games. Or, it might just be that sister is clueless on the difficulties of traveling 4 hours for anyone, let alone an older person, and at this time of year when winter storms are to be expected.

To protect yourself, you might also check the weather forecast and raise that issue with your sister.

But I think I'd also start responding, or rather reacting before hand, in a different way. You could e-mail her (I'd be documenting her actions) and suggest a method by which she could visit with your mother, raising all the concerns, everything has to be taken, itinerary so meds aren't missed, backup supplies in car (winter gear, the whole deal - boots, blankets, backup food, water, warmers, GPS, maps, AAA or other emergency road service...) . These are really necessary in Northern climate winters anyway.

Travel COULD NOT safely be straight through; your mother would have to have stops when she could elevate her legs to prevent edema from worsening. Or she could wear TEDS, but those are really uncomfortable and hard to get on and off. Actually, given the edema, a medical transport would be the best idea.

You might also show your mother a map, explain the mileage calculations, and help her understand that this isn't just a short drive.

BTW, did your sister invite your family or is she just expecting you to provide the transportation? And would this be an overnight trip?

If this isn't the first instance of attempted manipulation with your mother in the middle, it might be that your sister is using your mother as a pawn for whatever games she wants to play, and whatever possibly nefarious goals she has.

If your sister can't have a rational phone conversation about your mom's health and wel being, I'd doubt that she would be much fun to spend a holiday with. I'd likely keep my own plans and put her on my radar. What's wrong with sis? I'd likely try to stay cordial, but, wary of sis. If sis was that concerned about mom's passing, she'd be more on top of it and make arrangements to see her herself, imo.

It's a shame that siblings can't be kind, loving and supportive to each other, but, if anyone should feel bad this Thanksgiving, I wouldn't let it be me. I'd make my family and mom happy and let sister deal with her own issues.

Leave it up to your sister. If she and her family want to come and get mom and bring her to Milw and then return her back to AL; then fine. You see mom all the time anyway - and it might be nice for you and your family to just enjoy Thanksgiving alone.

Share mom with Sis - but let her know that she has to make the arrangements to come and get mom and return her. No guilt -- you do plenty for mom year round; so sister can put herself out alittle (I wouldn't meet her halfway, that may be even more confusing to mom).

I wouldn't get snooty with sis, just matter of fact and tell her you have made plans for Thanksgiving at home with your family but you are "sure Mom would love to spend Thanksgiving just with her and her family" so come and get her.

Next year, just say "what a lovely idea!" and do nothing. It won't happen, because let's face it you're the only one who makes anything happen, and nobody will get upset.

Mending fences with your sister is optional and may be more trouble than you think it worth, but if you're interested I would say:
don't drag children into it, not even - actually, especially not - if they are mature and sympathetic children;
for your own blood pressure's sake, keep in mind that your sister did this cretinous thing not to be a pain in the butt but because she thought it would just 🌺loooovely💕🌸💐for your mother to be included but didn't think any further than that. Shame she forgot to consult reality before she opened her big mouth.
So, maybe, send her a nice Christmas card just as though nothing had happened; and if you think it a practical possibility suggest some dates in the new year when sister and family might like to visit mother.

So your sister wants your mom to spend Thanksgiving with her but won't participate in getting your mom there?

I understand why you don't want to drive your mom there on Thanksgiving day and how easy your sister is making it for you to decline with her expectation that you'll automatically make the trip so she can see your mom. Can you and your sister meet halfway the day before Thanksgiving? Mom can spend the night with your sister and have Thanksgiving with her then you two can meet halfway again Thanksgiving evening and you can take mom back to her assisted living.

I don't know how far of a drive we're talking about so this may not be doable. It's not so much about telling your sister no because she's selfish and expects you to do all the heavy lifting but it's about your mom who wants to go to Wisconsin for Thanksgiving to visit her other daughter and her family.

I'm sorry that your sister's cluelessness has led to mom feeling bad. Those feelings will pass. Have a lovely Thanksgiving with your mom. Perhaps arrange for a Skype or phone call to sister's family in the near future so all can "see" mom.

This is not your problem. It's Sis's problem. Don't get into it with her. I simple "no, we won't be doing that drive, not this year", suffices.

If she whines and cries, say "I'm sorry this is upsetting to you. It's very sad to see mom so ill and diminished. Let's talk next week when you're feeling calmer".