I discovered the only way to get my father at age 97 to move to assisted living was to stop helping him live at home. He wouldn't accept any caregivers, he thought he could do it all himself but what was really happening was that I was making it all possible by taking care of all house repairs, grocery runs, food delivery, bill paying, medication management, etc. When I finally just stopped doing it he realized he couldn't stay there. He's now over 99 years old, heading for 100, and is fine with his assisted living situation. Will he ever admit that it was a necessary move? No. But he does enjoy the comfort of his own apartment and having meals in the dining room, and not having to deal with his medications, etc. and I enjoy knowing it is all taken care of. You have to show a lot of tough love and stop helping them live in an untenable situation.
My Mum is 86 she lives independently, truly independently, she does her shopping, has a beautiful garden, walks her dog. Prior to Covid had an incredibly active social life.
2018 she had her first wake up call. Stepdad was dying and she was faced with the possibility of him coming home from the hospital to die. Luckily the doctors kept him in the hospital, as there is no way Mum’s house would work for someone bedridden or with mobility issues.
This past September she had a knee replacement. Again a wake up call, she could not get upstairs for a week after surgery, I had to remove the powder room door as she could not get in with the walker.
This past week she heard that a friend’s husband is being released from hospital. There are stairs with no handrails leading up to their door. No safe way for him to get into the house. Mum and I had a conversation about moving to a one level home before it is needed.
I am sure that within the year, mum will be selling and moving to a place that has a garden she can work in and a place we’re she can have her pets.
I turn 55 this year. My house also has stairs external and internal. My long term plan is to put a suite in the walk out basement and move down there when the time comes.
I tried so hard with this, but did not succeed. My loved one needed to move to an apartment primarily for financial reasons, but also for accessibility/mobility reasons. She refused. Kept insisting her budget was fine (reality was she used credit cards and home equity credit lines to make ends meet). Kept insisting she could navigate just fine in terms of mobility (reality was the layout of her house was not designed for someone in her condition - long story short). Conveniently, when she wanted sympathy, she would tell us in graphic detail about her latest fall (there had been several). However, when we wanted her to move somewhere where falls would be less likely, she suddenly didn't know what "falls" we were referring to. She ended up involuntarily placed into nursing home care after (guess what?) a fall at home. There was likely also a loss of consciousness as it was her life alert that called for help on her behalf (it had falls detection). Nursing home staff asked me recently WHY she constantly tells them she's going to an apartment? I replied that I think she now realizes her current situation might very well be much different if she had followed our recommendation to move rather than digging her heels in, denying anything was wrong, and making excuses. Sad as it is, there are some people who we just can't help.
I think the gentle conversation. And I also think it is important not to enable the staying home when it has become too difficult. Often the parents stay too long without getting to a place of safety because of dependence on the kids. I am not telling you not to help out. A shopping trip weakly, a transport to an appointment, these things are needed a a help. But if someone cooks, cleans and checks constantly I don't honestly know why the elder would ever leave home. Some people have the TIME and the inclination to do this; but if you do not, be certain you aren't wearing yourself out by enabling their non-recognition of needing help now. Have you simply sat and talked with them about what their thinking is on such a move.
My father, when he was ill, continually told my mom "never sell the house; you'll end up paying high rent".
For frugal folks who paid 13K in 1956 for their home, paid it off 30 years later, living mortgage free was a dream come true.
Many retirement communities and ALs will help you come up with a comparison of the REAL costs of staying in yoir home with help vs. moving to a supportive community.
Property taxes, cleaning help, snow and leaf removal, gutter cleaning, roof replacement, chimney cleaning, heat, electricity, A/C, landscaping and the like.
Give incentives. No more property tax. No worries about repairs. Don't have to clean or cook. They can do activities and make friends.
Talk about it with them. It's up to them. If they aren't interested, maybe have professionl home care first. And keep working on placement when the time comes.
2018 she had her first wake up call. Stepdad was dying and she was faced with the possibility of him coming home from the hospital to die. Luckily the doctors kept him in the hospital, as there is no way Mum’s house would work for someone bedridden or with mobility issues.
This past September she had a knee replacement. Again a wake up call, she could not get upstairs for a week after surgery, I had to remove the powder room door as she could not get in with the walker.
This past week she heard that a friend’s husband is being released from hospital. There are stairs with no handrails leading up to their door. No safe way for him to get into the house. Mum and I had a conversation about moving to a one level home before it is needed.
I am sure that within the year, mum will be selling and moving to a place that has a garden she can work in and a place we’re she can have her pets.
I turn 55 this year. My house also has stairs external and internal. My long term plan is to put a suite in the walk out basement and move down there when the time comes.
Have you simply sat and talked with them about what their thinking is on such a move.
1. The thought of clearing out a house to sell,
2. Change
If you can tell your folks that they don't have to do the work of clearing out and selling the house, then that might make it easier.
As far as making change palatable to them, let me know if you figure out how to conquer that one.
For frugal folks who paid 13K in 1956 for their home, paid it off 30 years later, living mortgage free was a dream come true.
Many retirement communities and ALs will help you come up with a comparison of the REAL costs of staying in yoir home with help vs. moving to a supportive community.
Property taxes, cleaning help, snow and leaf removal, gutter cleaning, roof replacement, chimney cleaning, heat, electricity, A/C, landscaping and the like.
Talk about it with them. It's up to them. If they aren't interested, maybe have professionl home care first. And keep working on placement when the time comes.