Has anyone started hating your siblings, because they are never around to help?

I feel you re:hating your sibling's, I love mine but I am also taking care of my mother who was diagnosed with alzheimer/dimentia, I been in her home now for 5 years. I'm the oldest of 4 2 girls 2 boys. My sister lives only a couple miles away with her husband and has totally disconnected. She told me she cannot do it, my one brother moved in 2 years ago and it is worst, he is a bad influence, and feels since he is the man he does things his way, but it is not flying with my mother. She now has become very arugumentive, cussing and threaten us on a daily basis. I wanted to leave on Dec. 2015 but I can't, I feel responsible even if my siblings don't . I pray for you and myself we will get through this I promise, I'm trying to get to heaven so I want to try and be the best person I can. Stay strong, Love Ya Sharon Stephens

There is an entire lifetime of reasons in every parent-child combination which determines why the children make the choices they make. Nobody's family is ever going to change, and even if you grew up with them you can't get yourselves enough into their shoes to understand why they are doing what they do. I have felt hate for my sister who robbed Mom of posessions and money and put her in lock up and walked away, but all I wanted was for my sister to stop hurting Mom and stay gone. Things are better now that she is gone. I found the periods of rage toward this sister really hard for me. It would wake me up at night feeling just irrational as if I could go beat her up, all the while knowing that kind of irrational rage was my problem alone to resolve in another way. I guess time has healed that 'hatred' but I still stay clear of her and hope to continue that. What I am saying is, I have felt that emotion, but I also have realized that everybody gets to make their own choices and I'm sticking with that.

My brother lives an hour away and rarely visits our mom at her AL. Believe me it is a blessing. He is an obnoxious, bellowing bully who she no longer recognizes. He takes that personally and will even yell at her. He and I don't even speak.

Mlanette, I would be asking these siblings to help out financially. If they will not be there physically they can at least give you money to help you out. My siblings do help at times, but 90 percent is still on me. I just resent the fact that I hear about them having a good time, or getting to do something that I would enjoy doing. They seem to have a good time. They have no idea what the schedule is every day, and what is involved.

I can't really agree that each sibling has a free and independent choice as to whether or not to help the parent. Maybe theoretically, but in practice I think that everyone's decisions are affected if not dictated by the choices of the other siblings. I know if I weren't in the picture, my siblings would have to do a lot more for my mother. I know they're counting on me to keep on doing what I'm doing so that they don't have to step in, or step up. Conversely, I have wanted to step back ever since I started this, but the lack of a decent alternative for my Mom has kept me consistently doing more than I would like.

I don't know about other families, but I know that none of my siblings would be willing to say that we are not responsible, collectively, for our mother. Rather, they all think I should be the one to take care of her because that works better for everybody else, including my mother.

I was the first to step up, but I didn't expect to be in it alone. I think that's a common theme though. One adult child steps up and the others step back, breathing a sigh of relief that they're now off the hook. Meanwhile the parent perceives one child as willing to help and the others as less willing, and comes to rely more and more on the one helper. As the parent's situation and needs evolve, the uninvolved siblings fall further and further out of the loop, making it less and less feasible for the caregiver to step back.

That's the situation I'm in now. Other than me, nobody really has a clue what goes on at my mother's house from day to day or what she needs help with, even though two sisters live within a half mile of her. If she asks for specific help they'll usually do it, but she doesn't feel free to ask. And now she's now at the point where she can't really manage her own household anyway. Someone needs to walk around and check if the sink is full of dirty dishes, if the fridge is full of spoiled food, if the air conditioner filter needs to be replaced, all that stuff. It aggravates me that nobody else will do this, but I do it anyway because some one has to. It doesn't feel like a free choice to me. Not at all.

Heart2Heart - your ob/gyn is absolutely right. My dad never wanted children but finally gave into my mom and agreed to my two brothers. I was 1/2 planned. My mom told me my dad actually fainted when she told him about me and within a week had a vasectomy. Mom has told me this story several times a year for as long as I can remember and as recently as a couple of weeks ago - seriously! The funny thing is I was Daddy's Little Girl from the start. I think she likes to remind me about being 1/2 an accident out of jealousy - his love for me as well as the other way around. Once I hit my 20's I was able to see my father did what he could in spite of my horrific childhood. He KNEW he was ill equip to be a father. He spent the last 30 years of his life trying to make it up to his children. My mother on the other hand has just forged on - she made his life h*ll and continues to do so to her children. They were married 62 years and I will never, ever, as long as I live understand their relationship.

Another correction, family did not know for 50 years, we learned this recently. This sister in law would not allow my brother to talk to my parents without her being in the conversation, no walking outside without her. We were so stupid, we just watched it but never anything further. She taped telephone conversations because she never knew what my brother would say for he had always been fairly truthful. He had taken hard drugs while in college, having robbed an auto parts store in our town, but his past was treated like a badge of honor with the lawyers. End

Correction to above paragraph, 5 lawyers, not 7. Sister in law (attorney) received law degree through affirmative action program even though she was not race it covered; she worked for State in exchange for paid law degree. This was kept from our family and we only learned this 50 yrs after my parents were gone.

My siblings did zero. over 40+yrs not one Christmas did they come home and see my parents, each year promising and never coming. They lived 100 miles away. Hello...The last Christmas my Dad was in the hospital and doctors were being ordered to do impossible procedures by sister in law. Drs said Dad would not come out of hosp, sister in law who lived 100 miles away came to town, not the home, and opened checking and transferred two 10,000 E transfers (she did not sign on account but brother did). Brother unable to make withdrawals for had advanced Parkinsons (they hid Parkinsons for several yrs) He could sit or sleep and that is all. Brother 100 miles away. The last words from sister in law and our brother, were to threaten my dad, to change will/trust. Daddy said no and he was deceased in some 10 days. The Medical POA seemed to be the OK for her to take over my parents, to control their death, and take over all assets using my parents hard saved money to pay the lawyers, taking it out of what money we were suppose to get. Fidiciary is a bunch of crap in my State. Each lawyer protects the other no matter whether it is the Plaintiff or Defense. The Medical POA is a dangerous instrument. Make sure you know what you are doing. It is the instrument that ended my parents lives. POA notaries were false, documents were forged, records were stolen, wills were ignored, and many other horrid actions all performed by a lawyer that did not work for our estate, had no legal authority by either of my parents. Sister in law (attorney) got away with steeling cash, annuities, changing beneficiary on insurance policies, taking bonus under the table on land sale by having state vendors under appraise that land. Fraud and abuse throughout, all behind my Daddy's back. Intent of wills mean's nothing for the
wills were ignored because of Med POA. Fraud meant nothing. Abuse of the staff meant nothing. Sister in law (att) lived off of cash account, moving 10,000 amounts to daughter. And on and on.

Oh my Delta... People can be cruel, even when you're related to them... I think it gives them some kind of weird temporary satisfaction that makes them feel good to say something stupid like this. There are no excuses for this... But, this behavior shows the kind of person they are. Daughters and sons are all so precious a gift... My ob/gym told me some people should never have children... I believe that. You are precious.... Wish you were my daughter... Lots of love to you...

When my sister (who was my mom's favorite) died, I packed my mother up in Arkansas and moved to her Alabama to live with me. My effort, my money, my time. Once we had her all settled in and we were eating dinner, she stopped eating, looked me straight in the eyes and said "Why would God do this to me? Why didn't he take you instead of her? I can't understand why he would do that to me." It should be noted that my mother does not suffer from Dementia, Alzheimer's or any other disease/illness of that ilk. She knew exactly what she was saying.

Rainmom, I totally understand. I had that dysfunctional type of closeness with some of my siblings too. And the sister I was closest to was the one who became the bully once the caregiving started, when we didn't agree on how to do things. I too understand and accept that nobody wants much to do with my mother. I don't understand and accept anyone attacking me over it. The disappointment for me is that not one of them has been willing to be a consistent source of support, a sounding board, a shoulder to cry on, as much as they know the stress that I'm under taking care of Mom. They don't want to hear it. They've cut me out of their lives in order (I think) to keep Mom and her problems at bay. That's what kills me.

Rainmom, I wonder if in your case your feelings are more a result of your dysfunctional family rather than how much your brothers help. And how much they help may be tied to the family dysfunction. Vicious circle.

I've started to comment here at least a dozen times but end up deleting - I usually don't have any trouble saying what's on my mind. But for some reason my feeling towards my brothers are extra complicated. My brothers are both older - 4 and 6 years. The middle brother has treated me badly all my life - beat me physically as a child and mentally as an adult. The older brother was better but even though we live in the same city I only talk to him a few times a year. The three of us have the shared experience of growing up in our parents house - it was a pretty awful childhood for us and for that odd reason we share a dysfunctional type of closness. Does anyone know what I mean? I don't hate them. One brother barely helps and that's usually by helping me. He has as little to do with my mother as possible and that's okay - I get it. He is however 110% supportive of whatever decisions I make. The other brother only helped when it was convenient but recently has become more involved. I almost wish he hadn't as he is critical and difficult to deal with. In the past three months he has just lost it with me - screaming and name calling - on three occasions because I wouldn't do something his way. He has never gotten over me having the DPOA and executorship instead of him. The last time this happened I finally refused to let him turn me into a terrified 6 year old - I don't think he'll try that again. This brother has always been moms favorite so if it makes her happy to be seeing him more regularly - then so be it - it keeps her off my back a little bit. But long story short - the day I hand them their checks for their portion of moms estate will probably be the last time I see them. I'll probably try to call the older one once in a while and maybe his wife will call me - she and I were best friends growing up. I've known all this for quite awhile now so I am resign to it rather than sad or bitter.

Hating your sibling is no way to go. Your parent is going to depart this earth. You'll need each other. Make amends.

it's shameful how people abandon their parents but fight like hell for their money or things!!!

Yes I have a sister I hate with a passion and will never again speak to her. Not only does she not help and lives close by, and is a nurse, but accused me of stealing my Moms money. I had to get a lawyer and have everything examined. I took not one penny and she got a nasty letter. Little did I know she was also reporting me to the APS for emotional abuse, stating I kept Mom home and didnt let anyone see her. Omg, the entire family had to be interviewed, etc and her daycare. etc. I got a letter stating my Mom was happy living with me and was gong to daycare 5 days a week and we had a legal document stating the siblings could come every weekend. Again, false accusations proven wrong. Its like a knife in the heart, I will never forgive her. I told my husband if this stress kills me, she is not allowed at my funeral. lol but true! She has only come to see Mom 3 times for an hour or less this year. I have a cna here so I dont have to see her, I might blow my top. I saw, let them go, if they wont help, forget it. Take the high road and do your best, lots of love to your Mom .

Whoops! Typing on my phone and thumb hit post while trying to correct stuff like "dad" issues not "sad" issues. And I probably would've edited that vent down a bit to save you all

So much! A year ago this week I moved my dad in with me 1,000 miles away from the small town he lived in his whole life because my older brother and older sister astounded me beyond my wildest imagination. I am in my 40s, moved away in my 20s, work full time and on my own. My sister lived 10 minutes from him, worked part time with a freshly retired husband, kids married off, my brother in his 50s, unmarried, adult kid long gone, 20 min drive away...would not help my dad with his few meds or even take him grocery shopping. My dad had not reordered his meds for 7 months--about the same time he started to forget to pay bills I discovered and he was living on one meals on wheels a day and relying on the kindness of neighbors who occasionally brought him food. I had to elder proof my little place (my dad is in his 80s with some cognitive impairment--needs med reminders, transport, food prepared etc. Nothing hard). But even though I stepped up after they whined and spun about how I needed to figure out how to get him into a home, later I had to take 3 weeks off work and put my dad in a nursing home to get his dilapidated 100 year old farmhouse up for sale, set him up here with day care (Thank god for the VA and its free services every day) my siblings lifted not a finger and let his house sit all winter so that last spring I had to get friends help me clean it up and make repairs. They would not even help clean and told me to have the house condemned. Now my siblings are complaining I took some of his old crap to set up his new place (I put in a kitchette in my basement) to which I say "he is still alive!" After all his debt cleared he made 16k on the house. I sent them both copies of the settlement papers but my brother says i am greedy and made off with everything. Obviously, I have disengaged from them--need to spend energy on the ever-changing sad issues at hand and keep my joband hate is putting it lightly. I am thankful I can do this and ever so grateful I am not them!

Re-reading your post, I think you are really asking for respite. Talk to your pastor, talk to friends to see if any can help give you respite. Ask your family to contribute a set amount for gas each month if you are chauffeur and errand runner, unless your mom can afford it/wants to help out. Are your kids old enough to help? This is a wonderful opportunity to demonstrate how you want them to care for you eventually.

had to laugh at mother theresa's response of missing the joys you have right now when you siblings have screwed you and abandoned our parents!!! lol yah what a joy it would be if i never had to see them again!

I agree, let it go. First being the girland the oldest its assumed you will be the caregiver. My one brother lives 7hrs away has thanked me. The other...doing his own thing. I wish they would call more often and have said something. Mom talks about not seeing her teenaged granddaughters. I explain they r both bin college and probably working. Doesn't give them much time to visit and live 45 min away. When we r together, its like no time has gone by. I refuse to give that up by being mad.

Sometimes you have no choice but to divorce... Otherwise you become a massacist and it literally makes you sick...

Yes. I decided to divorce my family. But that made my father unhappy. After I accepted that it was my decision to be the caregiver, I was able to draw some boundaries and figure out how to ask for help in a more specific way. I also don't hesitate to tell my siblings that I can't help them out because I'm already doing so much for Dad. And I'm not modest about it. Don't get mad, get even.

HA! I am in the same boat. Brothers don't help just show up for meals. Mom puts on a good face for them and they think I am exaggerating. Meanwhile she sleeps most of the day, and I cook for her, wash her, dress her etc... they think that calling her once a week is doing something. I lost it at Thanksgiving and disinvited all of them. Too much work and they and their wives barely help out. This is the saddest time of my life and I feel so alone and can't even turn to my brothers since they don't want to hear it.

It helps that I haven't been disappointed in both of my sisters or my brother, just one sister has become the black sheep. But if my other siblings disappoint me in the future then I will be disappointed, confused, sad, angry and then I'll chalk it up to their own failure, forgive them for my sake and continue to love them but at the same time I'll feel them drift from the place they had in my heart, the high ideals I had about them will have changed but they cant steal my sense of inner peace.

I understand Carla, I'm very disappointed in the way my younger sister has handled or rather, not handled the situation with my dad. On the other hand I have an older sister who is helpful. The moments of peace I'm talking about have nothing to do with the sister who has failed my dad and the rest of my family unless I choose to let her astounding behavior in this area affect me to the point of resentment and hatred. My inner peace would be altered by allowing her behavior to continually torment me and I want every bit of peace that I can get a hold of. I don't say I wasn't angry with her, I was and when she re-proves that side of her nature in ongoing situations I get angry and then I let it go. I love my sister, I just hate her behavior.

Being an only child has its advantages and disadvantages. I don't have anybody to lean on at all. My mother helped my cousins with their mothers (her sisters) when they put them in a nursing home. She was the one who went to visit most of the time. They love my mother & visit her when they can (when its convenient), but I get little help from anybody even my own kids who Mother bought houses and cars for as long as the money held out. I think of the song "It's You and Me Against the World" when I think about it. It's mostly been just me and Mother.

With all due respect, I don't think the choice is between loving and accepting, and hating and fighting. I don't think it's actually a choice at all; I think it's a process of coming to understand the situation you're in and determining what you're willing to do about it, if anything.

Caregiving for a parent is a huge eye-opener for many people. You learn that your family members are not the people you thought they were, that your relationships with them are not what you believed them to be, that their loyalty and concern for you is not anywhere near what you expected or believed it to be.

I personally have been bitterly disappointed by the family members I once was closest with, and painfully disillusioned with the whole experience. I no longer want those "rare, peaceful times" or those "little moments of joy", not with these people. I wouldn't trust them. I don't want to get sucked in again to believing in the goodness or caring of these people, now that it's become abundantly clear that they don't care one bit if my life is miserable as long as their lives go on as before. I go through the motions, making nice at family gatherings etc., but that's all it is. I wouldn't say I hate anyone. Rather, there is a loss of trust, loyalty, and caring connection that I doubt could ever be restored. I doubt I'll have anything to do with the rest of my family once my mother has passed away.

Hatred towards another human being, siblings in this case, is an expedient way to miss out on those rare, peaceful times you want to experience right now and to lose those little moments of joy. Notice the comments made by some of the people here who have hate and resentment issues, the uppercase tendency that alludes to their tension and anger, the over-use of exclamation points indicating their frustration. It's a choice, you accept and you love in spite of thier flaws or you fight and you hate which will never change them and will only hurt you.