Has anyone started hating your siblings, because they are never around to help?

CTTN55, I Loved that last line, SHE DOESN'T THINK I DO TOO MUCH FOR HER!!! Truer words were never spoken!!!

I hate them b/c they have sucked every penny from my divorced parents.

My Dad gave my brother over $115,000 through the years. Now brother is living at Dad's & controlling the SS check (now that dad is destitute). Where was brother when dad was losing his house & I stepped in to straighten out Dad's finances? How about paying back some of the $115,000? So when bank called me about the $500 check Dad wrote to brother I called APS!

I hate my sister b/c of all the sh$t she has put my mother through. Sister is a crack addict & mom keeps trying to help. I rent a condo to mom & Mom announces," I can't pay rent this month b/c I need to buy new tires for sister's car" (the tires had been slashed). When sis was stopped for moving violation she gave cops my name! So I had to go to court 50 miles away several times to get it straightened out. In the meantime I shell out over $500/mo to keep mom in the condo.

Yes, I hate those low life blood sucking scumbags.

Katiekay: Yes, prayerful circles of carers, if possible, is far better than the solitary caregiver.

CarlaCB: You're welcome and thank you for allowing me to better explain my post. I know what you mean about your sister not being suited for caregiving. My brother would not be a good candidate to be a caregiver, even though he is an attorney. That was okay, but a bit funny when mother was served a taco and he said "this (salsa) is cold. " I said "let me show you how a taco is eaten, mother and brother." I had to move to my mother's home, which wasn't in the same state as mine. Women from mom's church brought me meals! Also, there were at least two different occasions where I used alternate transportation for my late mother, giving myself a short respite to rest and regroup. I am glad you also found aide in prayerful circles of assistance, lest you break.

My only sibling is an older brother. He is a strange person. He has never helped our mom or dad. He never visited them. I was the only one that took my dad to doctor appointments and helped my mom through all the stress and grief while dad went through 4 years of different ailments. He passed away in 2006 at 81. This is 2018. My brother has only been to visit mom 2 times in 12 years. He lives about 10 minutes from her. I was the one that took mom grocery shopping, just got her out for some other shopping, to get a sandwich and ice cream cone, I visited her weekly talked to her on the phone daily. I solved all her problems for her..financial...selling properties for her...sold a business for her...sold a trailer park for her and a couple rental houses and two antique cars for her....too many to mention, ( all this belonged to my dad and was left to mom when he passed) took her to get her hair done monthly. My husband mowed her yard for her and my daughter and son-in-law shoveled snow and did odd jobs for her and kept a close eye on her since they live across the street from her. I do not see my brother any more than Mom did and don't care to just because of the way he is so unfriendly. Dad put his house in my name in 2002 , gave me a cell tower property. He gave my brother the house he has lived in for the last 40 years free and clear. When my mom passed away at the age of 93 this year in her will she made my brother executor of her personal and real estate and left me nothing saying that I have already been well provided for which is fine. I think she figured out a way to make my brother finally be responsible and share some of the stress by inheriting 3 rental properties, the lift station for them and all the utilities and taxes that go with it, two insurance policies and the balance in her check book after all the bills are paid. I am so happy to not have to deal with that.

katiekay: "I kind of cringe when I see the phrase "not everyone is cut out for caregiving". I don't think that should excuse those siblings who do absolutely nothing. No one is cut out to shoulder the caregiving burden alone for years.. "

Really, who IS cut out for caregiving of this kind? I'd venture to say no one.

*I'm* not cut out for caregiving. I wish *I* could call my mother every so often and travel to visit her a few times a year. But I'm the local sib, and am only surviving because I enforce very strict boundaries with her. I don't like being her taxi. I've really worked on detaching myself from her. She doesn't think I do much for her, anyway...

Do I hate my sister for not helping? Sort of, but it's not really hate, it's extreme disappointment. Truth be told, even if she lived next door to my mom, she would be of little help. I've had to accept that I'm alone in this. She is incapable of seeing anything outside of her wants and desires. She's having a hard enough time keeping herself out of jail right now.

What really bothers me is that all I have asked of her is to call her mother even just once a month. It's not exactly a huge ask considering what I am doing. But since she doesn't get anything out of it, she doesn't do it. She doesn't even call me unless she wants something from me. Taking care of my mom is one thing. Having her add to my stress with her problems makes it harder, not easier, which is where the resentment on my end comes from. I think it's fair and reasonable. We are allowed to have feelings, including resentment. A lot of us caregiving daughters/sons have put our lives pretty much on hold to ensure the safety, security and health of our parents. When there are others that could share in the responsibility and choose not to, it's completely reasonable to feel resentful of what you are giving up so they can continue to live their lives uninterrupted. Would it be nice if my sister actually helped? Yes. Truly, it would be a gift. But it will never happen. Hoping for what will never happen will just make unhappier. At some point, acceptance may be your (and my) only salvation.

I agree with Carla. Everyone should have a circle of care or at least a circle of emotional support. No one should be left to be the sole lonely caregiver shouldering the entire load and responsibility without any support. No one is cut out for this... sadly though that is how it is for many of us.

I kind of cringe when I see the phrase "not everyone is cut out for caregiving". I don't think that should excuse those siblings who do absolutely nothing. No one is cut out to shoulder the caregiving burden alone for years.. Even those that don't take on the daily hands on caregiving should help, should offer emotional support at the very least.. I expected that in the beginning when I had to take everything on.. and help never came.

I'm trying to get past hating/resenting though because that is hurting me and not helping the situation. Its hard when I see their smiling tanned faces on facebook living their lives.. carefree... even posting about how important "family" is.. I guess that doesn't include sisters and parents.

Thanks for the clarification, Llamalover. I can see feeling differently in your situation too. I have one sister who would be totally unsuited to caregiving. She hasn't seen Mom in years, and that's fine. I can't imagine wanting or expecting help from her. If there were only the two of us, I would have no hesitation to leave her out entirely, even if it left the whole load on me.

Remarkably, I do now have that circle of care for my mother, consisting of myself, my one surviving local sister, my mother's live-in helper (who is one of my closest friends) and my widowed brother-in-law (another of my closest friends). Every caregiver should have this, IMO. It makes caregiving so much less stressful and lonely.

CarlaCB: Perhaps I should have phrased that differently. I gladly accepted the role of caregiver for my mother and I highly praise each and every caregiver. My solitary sibling said that he wouldn't do it. That's okay. I am not him. A prayerful circle of caregivers is the way it is supposed to be. Thank you for notating me on that. And thank you CTTN.

I agree with CarlaCB. I remain perplexed that the caregivers who have it dumped on them insist that dear Mama must have the best, because she was such a wonderful mother. If that's really so, then how did dear Mama raise such heels as the non-involved siblings?

Really, Llamalover? That sounds mighty high-minded of you, if just a tad scornful of your fellow suffering caregivers.

Thing is, most of us don't envision, or want to invision, caregiving as a contest in which one unlucky person draws the short straw. We want it to be more like a circle, where the infirm person is surrounded by a group of caring people who also support and help each other.

In my opinion, anyone drawing "the straw" should be upset. That's not the way it's supposed to be.

AnybodyOutThere, good people often wind up with more work, more expenses, and greater fatigue. That is probably why not everyone is a good person. Often being good is a compensation in itself, but sometimes it isn't quite enough, is it?

Decide how "good" you are able and want to be in each situation, and then arrange things so that is all you do, except for the occasional emergency. Don't worry about what anyone else is doing. But act based on decisions you make, not on some default knee-jerk reaction that you are "supposed" to be "good"!

Dear AnybodyOutThere,

I hear you. Its always tough being the good one. Do what you can and if the siblings don't help, its best to look for part time caregivers or start looking at nursing homes or assisted living. Don't allow yourself to get burnt out. I know its a raw deal sometimes being the only sibling that does everything. I'm with cdurnan and it takes time to establish boundaries and new routines.

Why would anyone want to waste time fretting over who draws the "caregiving straw?" I don't have one nano second to think on it.

I understand exactly how you feel. Except i have a brother who shows up first thing in the morning and does absolutely nothing except lay on vthe couch expecting me to wait on him too. Ive left the home because it got too toxic for me. I was killing myself trying to please everyone and i lost sight of everything. Please demand that your siblings help is all i can over you. I had no backbone. I do now though. My parents are now accusing me of elder abuse. Its just absolutely crazy. Take care of yourself. Please.

AnybodyOutThere - I get it, totally. Parent care is a classic example of how no good deed goes unpunished. The more you do, the more you are asked (or expected) to do. It's just easier (for the parent, that is). People who balk, or refuse, or make excuses, are rarely asked again.

If my mother had her way, it would only be me. Even my local sister would be exempt, because she has a busy schedule, and anyway, she's not as nice to my mother as I am. If I bring my mom home from shopping and it's near mealtime, I come in and make sure she's settled with her meal before I take off. My sister just takes off. That sort of thing. Of course she prefers me!

I went through the hating my absent siblings phase a long time ago. Now I find it easier to just leave them out of the equation and forget about them. It isn't fair, but what can you do. Sometimes life's abandoned baby ends up on your doorstep, and you have to be the one to take it in.

My 83 y.o. mother needs daily assistance (done exclusively by my sister and I) and complains an awful lot. I try to be sympathetic, but in all honesty I am so weary of it. I mentioned my frustration to my husband, and he responded "She would never complain like that to your brothers!" His comment stopped me in my tracks. I realized that she complains to us girls and enlists us when she needs something because she chooses to. I get it heaped on me because I am willing to listen, to engage her, to drive her where ever she needs to go. I finally understood that the dynamic isn't simply because my brothers are jerks (they are...) and that my sister and I accept the responsibility that they won't. My Mom has created the imbalance as much as anyone. She doesn't ask the boys for anything or complain to them because she chooses to ask us girls instead. Guess that's the price you pay for being a good person.

So called sister focused on herself and getting high. Dad with dementia. Doctors useless with their meds that destroyed him.

My so called sister who was too busy thinking of herself and getting high daily while dad had dementia caused by the so called doctors and their wonderful ,meds that destroyed him.

Yes!
Ok, maybe not hate. But I am disgusted with who they really are. I've cut one sibling out already. Go away.
Hate keeps you bitter. Phase their selfish a***s out of your life and be happy. Good riddance.

I just realized that I feel "betrayed" by my siblings.. They are family and I thought they would be loyal to their Mom..

The evidence is there they can't be trusted..

I apologize mlannette.

yah but stop already, 3 times is enough!!! and here you are again!!!!

LifeEx. I responded to the comments you directed at me, back off please.

iamamy...what is your problem. you have written this 3 times under my posts. can you please mind your own business!

Hate is a choice. We can chose to hate or not to.

iamamy...great, lucky you can do that. a lot of us on this site can't...and that's what we do on this site when we need to...VENT!

@Lifeexperiences I assume I am the mother Teresa you refer to but you can call me Amy. I am not talking about having joy or peaceful times with the siblings who burned us I'm talking about retaining our own inner peace in spite of the irresponsible siblings by choosing to let go of hate.

OMG...THE HORROR STORIES OF SIBLINGS!!! YUP...HATE IS A PERFECT WORD!! LOL