Has anyone started hating your siblings, because they are never around to help?

I can't really agree that each sibling has a free and independent choice as to whether or not to help the parent. Maybe theoretically, but in practice I think that everyone's decisions are affected if not dictated by the choices of the other siblings. I know if I weren't in the picture, my siblings would have to do a lot more for my mother. I know they're counting on me to keep on doing what I'm doing so that they don't have to step in, or step up. Conversely, I have wanted to step back ever since I started this, but the lack of a decent alternative for my Mom has kept me consistently doing more than I would like.

I don't know about other families, but I know that none of my siblings would be willing to say that we are not responsible, collectively, for our mother. Rather, they all think I should be the one to take care of her because that works better for everybody else, including my mother.

I was the first to step up, but I didn't expect to be in it alone. I think that's a common theme though. One adult child steps up and the others step back, breathing a sigh of relief that they're now off the hook. Meanwhile the parent perceives one child as willing to help and the others as less willing, and comes to rely more and more on the one helper. As the parent's situation and needs evolve, the uninvolved siblings fall further and further out of the loop, making it less and less feasible for the caregiver to step back.

That's the situation I'm in now. Other than me, nobody really has a clue what goes on at my mother's house from day to day or what she needs help with, even though two sisters live within a half mile of her. If she asks for specific help they'll usually do it, but she doesn't feel free to ask. And now she's now at the point where she can't really manage her own household anyway. Someone needs to walk around and check if the sink is full of dirty dishes, if the fridge is full of spoiled food, if the air conditioner filter needs to be replaced, all that stuff. It aggravates me that nobody else will do this, but I do it anyway because some one has to. It doesn't feel like a free choice to me. Not at all.

Mlanette, I would be asking these siblings to help out financially. If they will not be there physically they can at least give you money to help you out. My siblings do help at times, but 90 percent is still on me. I just resent the fact that I hear about them having a good time, or getting to do something that I would enjoy doing. They seem to have a good time. They have no idea what the schedule is every day, and what is involved.

My brother lives an hour away and rarely visits our mom at her AL. Believe me it is a blessing. He is an obnoxious, bellowing bully who she no longer recognizes. He takes that personally and will even yell at her. He and I don't even speak.

There is an entire lifetime of reasons in every parent-child combination which determines why the children make the choices they make. Nobody's family is ever going to change, and even if you grew up with them you can't get yourselves enough into their shoes to understand why they are doing what they do. I have felt hate for my sister who robbed Mom of posessions and money and put her in lock up and walked away, but all I wanted was for my sister to stop hurting Mom and stay gone. Things are better now that she is gone. I found the periods of rage toward this sister really hard for me. It would wake me up at night feeling just irrational as if I could go beat her up, all the while knowing that kind of irrational rage was my problem alone to resolve in another way. I guess time has healed that 'hatred' but I still stay clear of her and hope to continue that. What I am saying is, I have felt that emotion, but I also have realized that everybody gets to make their own choices and I'm sticking with that.

I feel you re:hating your sibling's, I love mine but I am also taking care of my mother who was diagnosed with alzheimer/dimentia, I been in her home now for 5 years. I'm the oldest of 4 2 girls 2 boys. My sister lives only a couple miles away with her husband and has totally disconnected. She told me she cannot do it, my one brother moved in 2 years ago and it is worst, he is a bad influence, and feels since he is the man he does things his way, but it is not flying with my mother. She now has become very arugumentive, cussing and threaten us on a daily basis. I wanted to leave on Dec. 2015 but I can't, I feel responsible even if my siblings don't . I pray for you and myself we will get through this I promise, I'm trying to get to heaven so I want to try and be the best person I can. Stay strong, Love Ya Sharon Stephens

OMG...THE HORROR STORIES OF SIBLINGS!!! YUP...HATE IS A PERFECT WORD!! LOL

@Lifeexperiences I assume I am the mother Teresa you refer to but you can call me Amy. I am not talking about having joy or peaceful times with the siblings who burned us I'm talking about retaining our own inner peace in spite of the irresponsible siblings by choosing to let go of hate.

iamamy...great, lucky you can do that. a lot of us on this site can't...and that's what we do on this site when we need to...VENT!

Hate is a choice. We can chose to hate or not to.

iamamy...what is your problem. you have written this 3 times under my posts. can you please mind your own business!

LifeEx. I responded to the comments you directed at me, back off please.

yah but stop already, 3 times is enough!!! and here you are again!!!!

I apologize mlannette.

I just realized that I feel "betrayed" by my siblings.. They are family and I thought they would be loyal to their Mom..

The evidence is there they can't be trusted..

Yes!
Ok, maybe not hate. But I am disgusted with who they really are. I've cut one sibling out already. Go away.
Hate keeps you bitter. Phase their selfish a***s out of your life and be happy. Good riddance.

My so called sister who was too busy thinking of herself and getting high daily while dad had dementia caused by the so called doctors and their wonderful ,meds that destroyed him.

So called sister focused on herself and getting high. Dad with dementia. Doctors useless with their meds that destroyed him.

My 83 y.o. mother needs daily assistance (done exclusively by my sister and I) and complains an awful lot. I try to be sympathetic, but in all honesty I am so weary of it. I mentioned my frustration to my husband, and he responded "She would never complain like that to your brothers!" His comment stopped me in my tracks. I realized that she complains to us girls and enlists us when she needs something because she chooses to. I get it heaped on me because I am willing to listen, to engage her, to drive her where ever she needs to go. I finally understood that the dynamic isn't simply because my brothers are jerks (they are...) and that my sister and I accept the responsibility that they won't. My Mom has created the imbalance as much as anyone. She doesn't ask the boys for anything or complain to them because she chooses to ask us girls instead. Guess that's the price you pay for being a good person.

AnybodyOutThere - I get it, totally. Parent care is a classic example of how no good deed goes unpunished. The more you do, the more you are asked (or expected) to do. It's just easier (for the parent, that is). People who balk, or refuse, or make excuses, are rarely asked again.

If my mother had her way, it would only be me. Even my local sister would be exempt, because she has a busy schedule, and anyway, she's not as nice to my mother as I am. If I bring my mom home from shopping and it's near mealtime, I come in and make sure she's settled with her meal before I take off. My sister just takes off. That sort of thing. Of course she prefers me!

I went through the hating my absent siblings phase a long time ago. Now I find it easier to just leave them out of the equation and forget about them. It isn't fair, but what can you do. Sometimes life's abandoned baby ends up on your doorstep, and you have to be the one to take it in.

I understand exactly how you feel. Except i have a brother who shows up first thing in the morning and does absolutely nothing except lay on vthe couch expecting me to wait on him too. Ive left the home because it got too toxic for me. I was killing myself trying to please everyone and i lost sight of everything. Please demand that your siblings help is all i can over you. I had no backbone. I do now though. My parents are now accusing me of elder abuse. Its just absolutely crazy. Take care of yourself. Please.

Why would anyone want to waste time fretting over who draws the "caregiving straw?" I don't have one nano second to think on it.

Dear AnybodyOutThere,

I hear you. Its always tough being the good one. Do what you can and if the siblings don't help, its best to look for part time caregivers or start looking at nursing homes or assisted living. Don't allow yourself to get burnt out. I know its a raw deal sometimes being the only sibling that does everything. I'm with cdurnan and it takes time to establish boundaries and new routines.

AnybodyOutThere, good people often wind up with more work, more expenses, and greater fatigue. That is probably why not everyone is a good person. Often being good is a compensation in itself, but sometimes it isn't quite enough, is it?

Decide how "good" you are able and want to be in each situation, and then arrange things so that is all you do, except for the occasional emergency. Don't worry about what anyone else is doing. But act based on decisions you make, not on some default knee-jerk reaction that you are "supposed" to be "good"!

Really, Llamalover? That sounds mighty high-minded of you, if just a tad scornful of your fellow suffering caregivers.

Thing is, most of us don't envision, or want to invision, caregiving as a contest in which one unlucky person draws the short straw. We want it to be more like a circle, where the infirm person is surrounded by a group of caring people who also support and help each other.

In my opinion, anyone drawing "the straw" should be upset. That's not the way it's supposed to be.

I agree with CarlaCB. I remain perplexed that the caregivers who have it dumped on them insist that dear Mama must have the best, because she was such a wonderful mother. If that's really so, then how did dear Mama raise such heels as the non-involved siblings?

CarlaCB: Perhaps I should have phrased that differently. I gladly accepted the role of caregiver for my mother and I highly praise each and every caregiver. My solitary sibling said that he wouldn't do it. That's okay. I am not him. A prayerful circle of caregivers is the way it is supposed to be. Thank you for notating me on that. And thank you CTTN.

Thanks for the clarification, Llamalover. I can see feeling differently in your situation too. I have one sister who would be totally unsuited to caregiving. She hasn't seen Mom in years, and that's fine. I can't imagine wanting or expecting help from her. If there were only the two of us, I would have no hesitation to leave her out entirely, even if it left the whole load on me.

Remarkably, I do now have that circle of care for my mother, consisting of myself, my one surviving local sister, my mother's live-in helper (who is one of my closest friends) and my widowed brother-in-law (another of my closest friends). Every caregiver should have this, IMO. It makes caregiving so much less stressful and lonely.

I agree with Carla. Everyone should have a circle of care or at least a circle of emotional support. No one should be left to be the sole lonely caregiver shouldering the entire load and responsibility without any support. No one is cut out for this... sadly though that is how it is for many of us.

I kind of cringe when I see the phrase "not everyone is cut out for caregiving". I don't think that should excuse those siblings who do absolutely nothing. No one is cut out to shoulder the caregiving burden alone for years.. Even those that don't take on the daily hands on caregiving should help, should offer emotional support at the very least.. I expected that in the beginning when I had to take everything on.. and help never came.

I'm trying to get past hating/resenting though because that is hurting me and not helping the situation. Its hard when I see their smiling tanned faces on facebook living their lives.. carefree... even posting about how important "family" is.. I guess that doesn't include sisters and parents.

Do I hate my sister for not helping? Sort of, but it's not really hate, it's extreme disappointment. Truth be told, even if she lived next door to my mom, she would be of little help. I've had to accept that I'm alone in this. She is incapable of seeing anything outside of her wants and desires. She's having a hard enough time keeping herself out of jail right now.

What really bothers me is that all I have asked of her is to call her mother even just once a month. It's not exactly a huge ask considering what I am doing. But since she doesn't get anything out of it, she doesn't do it. She doesn't even call me unless she wants something from me. Taking care of my mom is one thing. Having her add to my stress with her problems makes it harder, not easier, which is where the resentment on my end comes from. I think it's fair and reasonable. We are allowed to have feelings, including resentment. A lot of us caregiving daughters/sons have put our lives pretty much on hold to ensure the safety, security and health of our parents. When there are others that could share in the responsibility and choose not to, it's completely reasonable to feel resentful of what you are giving up so they can continue to live their lives uninterrupted. Would it be nice if my sister actually helped? Yes. Truly, it would be a gift. But it will never happen. Hoping for what will never happen will just make unhappier. At some point, acceptance may be your (and my) only salvation.

katiekay: "I kind of cringe when I see the phrase "not everyone is cut out for caregiving". I don't think that should excuse those siblings who do absolutely nothing. No one is cut out to shoulder the caregiving burden alone for years.. "

Really, who IS cut out for caregiving of this kind? I'd venture to say no one.

*I'm* not cut out for caregiving. I wish *I* could call my mother every so often and travel to visit her a few times a year. But I'm the local sib, and am only surviving because I enforce very strict boundaries with her. I don't like being her taxi. I've really worked on detaching myself from her. She doesn't think I do much for her, anyway...