my mother has been morbidly obese for most of her life. For years she’s let her health get worse. She needs a total knee replacement but can’t because she is too heavy. She now has congestive heart failure and kidney disease. She’s had a second bout of breast cancer recently. She can barely get around her house and is in constant pain. She has refused for years to get pain medication or ask about pain management. Last week I couldn’t get her in the car to take her to the doctors because of pain in her arm. She was taken by ambulance to the hospital. After a 7 day hospital stay, she’s in rehab to try to get her strength up. She hates it there and is crying to go home. I am so mad at her for not taking care of herself for years and now I am responsible for her. I don’t want to be frustrated with her but I’ve never wanted her to let herself go let alone now have to make all the arrangements to help her. I just want her to stay in rehab to just get her strength up and not cry and shake and be miserable. She thinks she will do better at home yet can’t wipe herself. I feel absolutely terrible that I feel this way.
DON’t feel ‘absolutely terrible that you feel this way’. Don’t feel guilted into caring for your mother. You CAN feel ‘absolutely terrible’ that her behavior has put both of you into such a difficult situation, but SHE is the one responsible for it, not you.
YOU are not responsible for her obesity. (unless you are the one providing the food, in that case you are an enabler.)
You need to talk to the Social Worker at the rehab, or the Discharge Planner and make it perfectly clear that mom is not safe at home, YOU are unable to care for her in YOUR home.
You also need to make it perfectly clear to your mom that you can not care for her, that you will not be responsible for helping her. And you can not back down on this. You need to establish clear boundaries.
The last thing a person who is sick, in pain, and pretty much down and out needs is another person (especially a family member) getting up on the pulpit and preaching about what they 'should' have done. Or a performance from the 'I Told You So' singers. Your mother already knows what she should have done. Telling her now and getting angry over it will not bring it about.
Let me tell you something about weight. I am a person who struggled all my entire life to stay thin. I could never eat like a normal person because I'd get fat. I was bullied mercilessly in school and by my family until I developed an eating disorder that almost killed me when I was a kid. So unless you have had the obese person struggle, you don't have a clue. Learn a little before passing judgment on your fat mother.
Also, did it ever occur to you that your mother turns down pain meds because she's afraid of getting addicted or being wasted all the time? Talk to her about it.
I was a homecare provider for 25 years to every kind of client. I agree with you that a morbidly-obese person with severe mobility issues who cannot wipe themeselves independently should be in rehab. At least until she gets to the point where she can toilet herself and do her own hygiene care.
So here's what you do. Your mom needs a lot of support. She also needs a bit of tough love from you. Not judgmental love and not condescending love. You tell her plainly that she can shake and cry to Kingdom come but it won't get her better or out of rehab.
Give her a rehab goal and promise to help her with it. When she gets strong enough to toilet on her own and wipe herself, and also loses a few pounds she can go home because she'll be able to help herself.
The rehab will put her on a controlled diet if she asks for it. They may even help her get set up with mental health services.
You can help your mother with these goals by being supportive of them. She has to do the hard work to achieve them though. No more crying and shaking and complaining. When that starts up you walk away. If it's on the phone, hang up. If she wants help to help her help herself, then you're there. Not if she doesn't though.
When you say morbidly obese, are we taking 230 pounds, 300 pounds, 375 pounds? I’m curious because obviously someone who is 230 is going to be a lot easier to manage than someone who is 350 pounds.
Is she morbidly obese or super morbidly obese? I’m thinking she must be 300+ pounds if she can’t wipe herself. If she can’t wipe herself, is she able to shower herself and get all of her folds clean, etc?
Maybe you should talk to the folks at rehab and find out what you and mom can expect. Mom should be informed by them about how her lack of participation will affect her (not that I'd expect it to matter, since she hasn't taken care of herself in the past).
I had a LO in rehab, and they were quite clear with patients about what needed to be accomplished while there. It gave them a goal and an understanding of what life would be like if they didn't take advantage of the opportunity to help themselves. No one will do it for you - that was the message.
She is correct.
You say: " and now I am responsible for her. "
No, you are not responsible for her.
Not unless YOU yourself MAKE yourself responsible for her.
That is a CHOICE.
How old is mother?
How old are you?
Are you living with mother?
Is she living with you?
You are an adult. You must take responsibility for your own choices.
Now is the time to call in the Social Workers and Discharge Planners at the rehab and request they sit down to talk with you and your mother. Tell BOTH them and your mother that you cannot continue in her care. Tell her that you have now to live a life of your own, and will not be sacrificing your own life to her bad choices and the end it has brought her.
This is ongoing and will get much worse.
Will you throw your own life upon this funeral pyre?
Because honestly, if you choose to do that, no one can help you.
As regards "responsibility" a PARENT is responsible for their CHILD until that child reaches the age of majority. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. The child is then responsible for their OWN children should they bring them into this world.
I think you should seek psychological counseling if you cannot now, with this perfect opportunity, free yourself.
If you stand your ground and let them know in no uncertain terms that your mom CANNOT return home as she can no longer care for herself, the rehab will HAVE to find the appropriate facility to place your mom in, where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and you can just be her daughter and advocate.
Your mom has made her bed and now she gets to lie in it, so don't let her crying and shaking get to you, and allow her to return home where her full-time care will all fall on you. You can't fix this. Only your mom can if she really wants to.
So BE STRONG and say NO to your mom returning to her home!!!
The mother deserves some compassion here. You say she "made her bed" and now has to lay in it. No one makes cancer their bed.
I had a friend in California who was a beautiful and very fit girl. She was actually a model. Vegetarian, ate only organic foods, and was a marathon runner. She got breast cancer at 33 and died shortly after.
Even thin and fit people can get sick.
I agree with you about the OP staying strong and not giving in to the crying and shaking. The mother has to do the hard work to get herself strong enough to be able to go home and be safe. Either she does it or she doesn't.
You will not (and never) be able to control what she does or convince her using reason and logic, as you have seen that even real-life consequences haven't (so far) motivated her. You can only be a spectator.
Do not enable her in any way (do not bring her unhealthy food, do not do things for her that she is capable of doing herself even if she doesn't do it well or fast enough... if she can do it, you must let her struggle). Eventually she will get the hint and be better at it.
If she doesn't succeed in rehab her next stop is probably LTC. Medicaid will cover this if she also qualifies financially. You cannot possible take care of her by yourself -- or even with help. At the very minimum it will wreck your back. It is already wrecking your mental and emotional health.
Please step away and stop being her only solution. She has other options -- she just doesn't want those. You have other options, which is to step away and let the available resources be her solution. In the end, she will decide how it goes.
It will look and feel awful at first. Then, if she "rights" herself, it will improve.
May you receive peace in your heart on this journey.
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