My brother is in control of my mother'e finances. Now he wants me to take over as caregiver, but I can't afford this. What can I do? - AgingCare.com

My brother is in control of my mother'e finances. Now he wants me to take over as caregiver, but I can't afford this. What can I do?

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My mother is 95 and needs 24 hour care. She cannot afford this and my brother refuses to apply for medicaid. He has returned my mother to her home(in NC) in Nov and has been taking care of her. He lives in California and must return home. He has been paying for aides three times a week for 3 to 4 hour shifts. He now wants me to step in. I cannot afford to quit my two part time jobs unless he will pay for more aides during the day and some nights. Both my brother and sister in law have made me feel very guilty. I have taken care of my mother in her home( there five days a week and aides on the weekend). My brother would not continue to pay for this. I paid but could not continue. This is a very stressful situation. Last year(2011) my mother stayed with my brother but went into depression after being there a few weeks because she wanted to come back to NC. My husband just complains and insists my brother apply for medicaid. We are not getting along as well.

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If your mother's resources are running out she deserves Medicaid. You need to refuse to do what you can't do. He has control, and he needs to step up to the plate - either hired 24-hour care at home or put your mother in a nursing home, paying privately for the care until her assets run out, and then going to Medicaid. Don't let guilt make you quit your job. You can call Social Services and ask for advice. Good luck,
Carol
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If you are going to be caring for your mother it will probably be necessary to apply for Medicaid. IThere is no need to accept the guilt from your brother and sister in law. It sounds like you have a very full and busy life already - it's not like you are sunning yourself at the beach every day!!

Your choice is really either to: 1. Give up your own life, job etc and go move in with her (probably not feasible), 2. Ask/beg your brother to pay for hired help (will likely cause tension between the two of you), or 3. Apply for Medicaid.

It is not fair of your brother to bow out and leave you to now take over without any tools at your disposal. Medicaid is one of those tools that you can use to help your mother, yourself, and ultimately, your brother.

Good luck and stay strong!
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