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she really flipped after their father passed Oct 2011. Lets start with she lives on the west coast/we live smack dab in the middle of the US! Last spring she came home and gave one of the parents cars to a brother. (there were 7 sibling, one has since passed) she didn't discuss it with my husband, ask which car would he suggest? Nothing he came home from work that day and she had given away the big car, the one I would drive them out of town to the Doctors in. He was mad but didn't want to fight so he let it go. He knew she was bossy and pushy and let it go.
Well after there fathers funeral I noticed their mother was doing some of the contacts for VA and other arrangements. So I asked my husband if he wanted me to call the VA guy and see what was up. MY Mother in law has alzheimer's and that is why my husband is her POA. This upset my sister in law, she thought she was suppose to take care of all this stuff, so I gave her my notes and backed off. The she insulted me and my husband over repairs to a small rental house next door to their parents. He did not have her permission to spend any money on it. They didn't vote on it as sibiling? She said some hurtful things to me, like "I want the check book to see were your spending Moms money?" or "why did you buy that tile ..I don't like it, and the sink is ugly why is it a brown cabinet I wouldn't have bought that." and at least a dozen time behind our backs to the hired plumber Are they doing a good job, does he (my son)even know what he's doing? So finally my husband told her she need to back off she was stepping on toes, this lead to a loud confrontation, my husband took the POA papers to show her she didn't have ANY say so AND he didn't have to ask ANYBOBY's permission to do anything for his Mom.;.She read it but disagreed with the papers, her husband read it and told her she wasn't POA, he decided to leave the room after the dirty look she gave him. The papers state she is the alternate if my husband is unable to act! She is really trying to stretch that part. This confrontation was the first time herand her husband getting a lawyer and going to court was mentioned. i really didn't know what she was referring too, and thought things weren't that bad. and didn't think about it again.
Welll against my wishes and partially my husbands, his Mom went off to the West coast for 6 weeks. Remember she has alzheimers and her husband just died. While she was gone we didn't speak to her often, it was like having a kid at camp that always told you when you talked "I wanna come home' this was coming from an 80 yr old woman!!
okay, it's been 6 weeks and they are back!! i get a call are you coming over, then I get ordered and insulted again like i am 15 years old again and she need to check my work. My husbands too. She wants the check book again, to see where we are spending her moms money, a key to the little house how come ......., this and that. The straw that broke the camels back was when I told her we had an interview with a woman to help take care of her mom,,she snapped back.....we don't need her, call her back and tell her we won't need her little brother got layed off and he can watch her !!!!! Does anyone know Bhow hard it is to find a GREAT helper out there? Now she wants me to just dump her!!!!!!!! BS!!!!! i will not!!!!!!Who is she to decide brother will stay home and take care of mother!!!!!
So....I boycotted my mother in laws til my sister in law left. The next day my other sis in law call, blood is thicker that water, and gave lame reasons why she was acting like that. But once again, it was brought up about the POA. Now I am hearing that mother in law had no idea that the POA wasn't shared between the two. This was "jacked up" and it would be ashame if it had to go to court. So twice now court has been mentioned and it's time to call our lawyer.; She said she talked to LISA and explained it, hopefully more clearly. And we had nothing to worry about.
So.....still don't know if court is in our future but mother in law is glad to be home.; and my husband and I and brother in law will be figuring out what she needs to help her and make her life what she wants it to be not what her daughter wants it to be. (with in reason with her disease though) NO DRIVING

Any helpful hints or stories would be greatly appreciated!!!! Thanks

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You are doing your best with a tough situation and loving care. It's sad that this relative is making it so difficult. Your husband has to stand up to this woman or it will just continue. You could see an attorney if it gets too bad, but that will really be a challenge.
Good luck,
Carol
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too bad your MIL can't appoint someone else as alternate. I am in a situation where my brother is POA. He lives near my Mom who is a day's drive from me. Makes sense, HOWEVER, there is no alternate. I am not bossy one bit but have tried to get them to add me as an alternate. Mom has made up lies about me because she basically can not stand to give anyone else any power. I am afraid something will happen to my brother and I will have to seek guardianship. It would be my only option. There is one little thing that would absolutely set me off. If my brother and Mom have put my nephew on as the alternate and not told me, I will be gone, for good. Nephew is a wonderful guy, just a bit pampered and over protected. Still lives with Mom and Dad at 28, but fully employed. He is an only child and my brother thinks he is some sort of equal to me. I can't imagine having to take orders from my nephew. This would be such a mistake considering the lies and me being treated like the "red headed step child". My poor nephew would be so over his head. So...maybe there is something your SIL resents about this set up. Maybe, and I mean just maybe, like me there have been past slights. In my case, my brother has always been the favorite. So just more of the same.

Then again, maybe SIL is just a jerk.
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What Carol said. It is sad to spend more of MIL's money on an Elder Law Attorney, but you need reinforcement. It should not have to be a long drawn out case.
Remember that people who bully and shout are AFRAID. Don't let her intimidate you. Do not respond to her. If it were me, I would simply look at her with no expression on my face, except maybe a tiny smirk, but that's me. heehee
One legal letter with clear intentions from an attorney should shut her up.
Please encourage your husband, and compliment him on his ability to protect you, his Mother, and his position as POA. You both sound like very sweet people:) Blessings to you, Christina
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What is she getting a lawyer for? Does she want guardianship? Is she willing to pay for all of this until a judge rules and wait to be reimbursed? She sounds really mouthy and pushy. Maybe an accounting of spending would shut her up for a while. Just no pleasing her it seems to me.

Make sure you keep really good records of spending. Just in case. Your MIL would have to be ruled incompetent for anyone to get guardianship of her. Then they may appoint someone from the court. Your husband, just to cover himself, should always tell everyone what he is doing with his mother's money. It is for his protection. Too bad SIL is such a pain, just be glad she lives on the West Coast and not down the street. Thank God for small blessings. :)
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How do you deal with a pushy boss sister-
Your answers are straight forward and to the point.
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As long as your MIL was in a sound mind when your husband became POA is a deciding factor. It cost my siblings and me a lot of money to put all of my parent's assets into a trust in the name of the kids. That was the best and wisest decision we ever made and we did it well with the allotted time so Medicare couldn't take anything to pay for the Nursing Home for my Dad. My sister is POA and believe me, it is difficult chore. She paid all their bills and and handles all the correspondence with the agencies. Your SIS sounds like a petty fool. Maybe she just wants to be part of her Mom's care. If she takes you to court, she most likely would be wasting her money. My brother and I never once question what my Sister, who is both of our parent's POA does with the money because she only has Mom and Dads' welfare in mind.
You might suggest to your husband that he send his Sister a monthly accounting of how he spends the money. It sounds like the SIS was hoping to get some of her Mom's money for herself. Another thing is to keep them updated on decisions your husband makes, give them a chance to voice their concerns, assuming they can do it in a non-hostile way. Or, ask her/them for their opinion. I don't see how she could legally give that car to someone else, what about the title?
Your situation is truly sad because the main thing is making sure your MIL is taken care of.
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Your husband should ask you SIL if she would like to have the care of mom full time. That would probably shut her up.
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