My 83 year old mom fell and broke her hip over 2 years ago. After her hip replacement surgery she was placed at a rehab facility with the expectation she would be walking again in about 6 weeks after physical therapy. Prior to the fall she was showing a few signs of slight dementia but overall functioned living alone with few problems. After the fall the dementia was awful. She was so out of her mind she wouldn’t do the physical therapy. She did nothing but lay in a hospital bed in the nursing home for over a year.bIn that time period she had some of the most awful roommates you could imagine. Mostly moaners and screamers that never let her get any rest which added to her own dementia.
In addition to not walking after the fall she continually had UTIs which added to her dementia symptoms and landed her in the hospital a couple of times. An accident occurred at one point that caused a large infected hematoma on my mom’s leg which sent her once again to the hospital. It was so bad she had to have to operations. When she came back to the nursing care facility they immediately began another round of physical therapy and she responded and began to finally recover and walk with assistance. They moved her to a room with a nice roommate and mom became her old self again. The UTI’s went away and all was good.
Work began to get her back home with in-home caregivers. Then suddenly her roommate died and shortly after the nursing home moved my mom to another room rather than giving her another roommate. It devastated her. She liked her room very much. Three days later she had a stroke that temporarily made the left side of her face draw and made her weak on her left side. This has now affected her ability to walk even with a walker. She cannot hardly pick up her left foot and usually drags it. She is having a harder time standing as well.
My mother weighs about 300 pounds and it is very difficult for me and my family to lift her into a standing position from where she can begin to walk. We have nearly everything in place to get her home with a paid daytime caregiver and family helping at night. Unfortunately the dementia has also come back. I know she is likely to have another stroke (after my grandmother’s—her mother—initial stroke she continued to have mini strokes) and I also fear she will have another fall and we won’t be able to prevent it because of her size. She is not steady on her feet at all.
Should she be brought home with all these stumbling blocks? The last issue with bringing her home is a daytime caregiver. We live in a very rural area. The drive to her home is at least a 30 minute drive from the nearest town, I feel we will have a hard time keeping someone to stay with her. Myself nor my siblings are at retirement age but are close enough that if we take early retirement we will lose many retirement benefits. She has overcome so much. When she finally had the chance for more physical therapy she stepped up and pushed herself to walk after she was told she could come home if she would walk again. We don’t want to break a promise, but are we going to be able to care for her? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
I personally would not bring her home. Trying to move a 300-lb person is a one-way ticket to a back injury, among other fallout. How are you going to help her with hygiene, toileting, getting in and out of bed, getting in and out of a car? I just went through helping my very elderly Aunt with similar physical assistance and she was only about 100 lbs and all the stooping to put shoes on and off, incontinence briefs on and off, helping get her legs up into bed... my back was aching at the end of every day. After my Aunt's aFib and CHF began and we had to use a wheelchair in her tiny FL house that is not made for that -- just getting her to the toilet was work. I then got her a portable commode for her bedroom, but just getting her to stand and position herself on it, also work -- and tenuous. Your Mom probably would not even be able to use a commode due to her size. I don't know how even 2 people can do any of this for your Mom.
Would she qualify for LTC? If so, this is covered by Medicaid if she also qualifies financially. There are decent facilities that have Medicaid beds but in a rural area, her choices may be very limited unless she's willing to expand where she looks.
In no way should you or your siblings give up your retirements for this. Not because you don't love and care about your Mom, but because you will get into it and then realize very shortly it is a bad solution for everyone. I'm sure your Mom (after all she's been through) would prefer being in your home with people she knows... who wouldn't? But you cannot even imagine the challenges and sacrifices you AND your siblings will make to get this to happen. In a good facility she will get appropriate care with the appropriate amount of aids, and healthy social exposure and opportunites for activities.
Unless you have an ADA compliant 1-level home and she can afford to pay for 2 aids from when she gets up in the morning until she is put to bed at night, I wouldn't consider taking her into my home for a minute.
I'm glad this experience has brought you and your siblings closer. That would please your mum, too. Perhaps not now, but definitely when she was completely herself.
My brother and I also became closer during this last year, during which our mum's condition deteriorated and she died.
This is something to build on, but caring for Mum at home would likely ruin it.
Do everything to make this time easier for all concerned, including your mum. She may want to go home, but that's not what she needs.
Wishing you all the best.
NO. You will not be able to properly care for Mom. Especially now that dementia has set in, as well as 300 pounds.
None of you have the physical ability or medical training to handle Mom's issues safely.
The reason Mom is "improving" is because she is in a facility with a team of medical professionals. As family members, you have NO experience in her medical therapies! If you take her away from her medical team, all that progress STOPS.
DO NOT BRING HER INTO YOUR HOME. You need a single story, ADA complaint home with plenty of medical equipment and the training to use it safely.
Dawn88, you are exactly right!
Her health concerns are WAY too much even for in-home caregivers. She is already familiar with the place she lives now and the folks there, so I would just leave well enough alone.
Her facility already has a Hoyer lift available for her if needed, and are used to working with her.
You have to now do not only what is best for your mom but also for those that will be caring for her, and I don't believe(nor do you)that bringing her home is for anyone's best.
Sometimes there are no good answers to be had, but at least you know your mom is safe and taken care of where she is at.
I think that, given all you wrote us, that must be very clear to you.
But if the opinion of an 82 year old retired RN can help cement it for you?
The, NO, she shouldn't be brought home, and that shouldn't even for two more seconds be considered further.
I am so sorry, and wish you all the very best.
You made the promise in good faith, but you didn’t understand how much circumstances would change. Mom probably won’t remember that promise. That’s a good thing! Proceed with your planning based on what you know now. The goal is the best care for mom, not to keep a worn-out promise made out of desperation. You’ve got this!
I think you know the answer to your question.
You are looking for validation that the proper place for mom is in Skilled Nursing for Long Term Care.
Keeping mom in Long Term Care is the safest place for her.
Mum was a no-nonsense, sensible caregiver and it was because of her numerous examples that I was able to make sensible decisions when she needed care.
I would have placed her in a nursing home, but her husband wanted to keep her at home, and she was extremely light and relatively easy to look after. I would have put my foot down if Mum had been very heavy and prone to falls.
I wish you the best as clearly you all love her and don’t want her to suffer.
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