Does anyone else experience rude treatment from your loved one's helper? - AgingCare.com

Does anyone else experience rude treatment from your loved one's helper?

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My father-in-law lives independently but has visiting nurses and nurse practioners come in to see him. We have noticed snarky behavior and rudeness when dealing with his main visiting nurse. She is just "honey pie" all over him but treats us pretty hateful. I have no clue what my father-in-law has told her since he never got over "his baby" leaving the nest at 30 and getting married almost 20 years ago.
I thought things would be different with an agency. My grandmother had an independent care giver and she started putting up photos of her family on my grandmother's walls (did not live there with her, just ran errands, took her to the doctor, etc). We had it out when we discovered a registered sex offender had befriended my grandmother and she told everyone except the family how horrible it was. When I asked why she didn't tell us, she said, "well, I just didn't know what you would say." I told her she had always called us on everything. We were a six hour round trip away. Found out later that she told my grandmother that she needed to leave her the house.
So...do these caregivers think they are so awesome that family cannot do without them so they can treat people like dirt? Has anyone else had this problem?

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At one time I was the caregiver. I was treated rudely by the family. I was trying my very best to take good care of their loved one and that was not good enough. So it happens on both sides. Finally I had to quit, it was an impossible situation.
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I have a nightmare with a foster home Berry Patch in Springfield,OR Mom trust this people now more than her family that wants to move her out of there she not right but this foster home had a lawyer APS and other in on all this my mother was all right to move out of there but 2 days later she said I'm not moving I love it here ect. as this foster home has corcerd her so much. I can't belive the shit they get away with
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Thanks. I am unable to take care of him. I am not in good health and I cannot lug him around, lift him, etc. I have already had hernia repair surgery with mesh and he is close to a foot taller than me and around 200 lbs. I also have a young child that I need to stay semi-healthy for.
My husband is not in good health and works close to 50 hours a week. We found out today there is a push to get hospice involved after he threatned to kill himself. We are stepping away as much as possible because he is simply not worth killing ourselves over. It is now in the hands of his nurses and soon to be hospice. He has lived his life and we have a young child to live for. If he didn't need us, he wouldn't have any contact anyway.
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You know, you are all right. My father was in the hospital again with another UTI, Pnemonia. Unfortunately, his UTI was a super bug and he was not responding to antibiotics and at the young age of 80, this really played havoc with him, and also his dementia. When dad was in the hospital, I called him a bed jumper. He would be out of bed standing, before the alarm went off. Long story short....this is why I decided to stay with him night after night. I was exhausted....but I knew the nurses could not watch him like he needed to be watched and the last thing we needed was for him to fall and add a broken whatever to all of his other problems. I guess what I am trying to say is, you will never find anyone (more than likely) that will take care of your loved one like you will. You either make the commitment to do it yourself....if you are able to. Or do your very best .....and research and get a teddy cam and everything else you can do, so that you and your loved ones can be at peace. Sometimes they slip through the cracks.....all you can do is your best!
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Oh Lordy Lordy, we have that problem in my husband's family-his mother. My MIL told family and friends the most horrific things about us and everyone reacted to her words....until I asked what we had done to "earn their rudeness", now we are all on same team. To others she accuses us of: throwing all her clothes away (we do b/c medical contamination b/c she poops on herself): denying her food (we must deny foods she can no longer eat due to severe digestive issues) : stealing her cell phone (it was in her hand as she was clawing at me while screaming at me): stealing her money (we only use her money to pay for her medical co-pays and prescriptions - we cover 100% housing and food and everything else): locking her up in the house and never letting her leave (until she is more steady and she complies with PT and Dr she is not allowed to drive and/or be in public places for fear she will feign a fall or accuse us of "ditching her and leaving" (history here). Old adage: we should all only believe what we see with our own eyes....it seems that our elders don't want anyone to like us....[middle school anyone]? Eddie is right...period. I'm an emotional thinker so I would need to know why, try to talk with the nurse to see if there's any reason she's been offended. On another note: be aware of what she is saying to her nurses and your loved one. Best of luck and bless you.
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Thanks Castle. No, there is no way to get backing from her or an MD over a hearing aide. She won't help us on the issue andhe refuses to go to a doctor anymore. There is an agency that has a franchise (covers our state and a few others) and they send out a nurse practictioner who fills his perscriptions. The last doctor he went to told him like it is and because he didn't flirt and talk baby talk and whisper sweet nothings in his ear, my father-in-law refused to go back and switched to another doctor in the practice. The practice moved to a new location and he refuses to go.
The agency has told me to lie to my father-in-law and tell them that the nurse practioner is a doctor. I told them I'm not lying to anyone and what do I say when he demands new perscriptions that only a doctor can give? She said, "well, that is something to think about I guess."
After tracking down the last mess for over an hour, my husband just told me he received a text message from his fathers nurse saying he needed to pick up a prescription for his dad and to text her his responses and not to call her.
So I will no longer be contacting her for anything as I do not have a phone that can text unless I am with my husband at the time.
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Sounds like a complex situation, with key changes likely needed, and care conversations need a bit less haste. Sounds as if you have had a complex conversations in range of your FIL's hearing, and if he tends to shout "No!" - that is not a conversation where you can sort out what's happening. Better chance of working out changes is to not expect quick, informal conversations. Thank FIL for input, reassure him, wait until issue has calmed, then ask the RN to talk with you in a different room if you want to pass on important info, or write the info in her notebook, maybe also communicate with her agency and ask her to call you if any questions.

With hearing aide, that is in your discretion to make the suggestion, maybe even find an MD and schedule an appt. Elders often object to them, for they don't realize how hard it is for others to shout! You can ask for the home-carer's help in persuading him. Do you read the care notes? That can help you get onto the same wavelength as the caregiver, instead of arriving like the 5th wheel, when she has struggled to develop and implement her own strategies to reach your father in law and keep his care moving forward.

You may very well have a person who acts unprofessional, if she brings her husband over there - did you not ask her to explain precisely what she meant by saying, because "she felt it best"? That question needed to be asked, of her and also her supervisor. And it may well be that you are not comfortable with her methods and can ask for her to be replaced, you always have that option.

Yes, family have the need to follow what is going on, and they have the say - it's just that among different family members there are often conflicting expectations given, and on-site care people naturally get to know the pt better than the family. The whole process of reaching and persuading your father in law to cooperate with care, can be a real challenge, and she may have struggled to find peace and keep things moving well, and some smiles and flirting may do the trick and be understood between them, if she sets clear limits, as a joking way to get around his belligerence. That's not my style, but I've seen it from some others, who also understand how to keep it in context, and keep things in line. Dealing with a man who shouts "No!" on a regular basis and cannot hear is no picnic, and aides often have to figure out how to get on that person's side, so that they will cooperate with care needs - and aides do that in different ways, seeing cooperation as the goal, and some have better skills than others. So, it's not the problem unless someone has missed setting boundaries, and that help can be given to them not see them as awful.

After struggles to gain cooperation from difficult persons, it can be momentarily challenging to have family arrive with other issues, be unaware of the aides's struggles and gains, expecting her to suddenly grasp their ideas, described on the spot rather than planning a time for an individual, quieter conversation.

One agency in Mass that has set up a closed computer communication program for each case, and each aide writes their daily notes into the file, which is sent to all family members involved, and family members can comment - this way the complex challenges that are faced and addressed by the long term person in the home, are mentioned and considered and addressed by family as it goes along - a better way than having very separate involvements over time, which the on-site caregiver is addressing, and finding plans that leave out her challenges. I think the industry has major flaws in planning for supervision, but it is not background checks and worries about thieves that are the biggest issue - though those are essential elements to pre-check - but good supervisory practises of following up care in ways that are respectful to the caregiver and the family, different members with different ideas, with the middle man being an agency supervisor - lots of room for folks with few standards for good supervisory methods for getting at details with respect for all.

Then, issues can be explored, give someone the benefit of the doubt and arrange for later feedback - and if it doesn't work out, change the care person. That process takes time but dealing with a difficult elder who is losing abilities is a SLOW and challenging and evolving process, so families who expect instant understanding, would do better to ask questions when issues arise, not just focus on the care plans, for those who do in home care, know it's not easy.
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It is actually my father-in-law. It doesn't matter if she is great with him, no one should have to suck anything up, she should be professional.
I met her after she had been a visiting nurse for awhile. My father-in-law had one of his "emergercies" and his power-of-attorney was changed, then changed again, then the man died and my husband and I had alerted the 2nd in command. She asked us if the person knew and my father-in-law screaming (as he usually does) said, "no." I tried to inform her quitetly that the person had been informed and give her the info and she just got smart. I tried to tell her my father-in-law desperatly needs a hearing aid and she smart-assed back, "well, he doesn't want one." I then told her that I don't want to yell all the time, which is why I say little.
The television is so loud (which he refuses to turn down) that you can hear it through a brick house, a security door and in the driveway with the car doors closed and the windows rolled up. A caring professional care giver would encourage a hearing aid (and yes it is the type of hearing loss a hearing aid would help).
While there, she made a remark of a sexual nature and my husband and I feels she flirts with him. Her last name on her cell phone does not match her work name and on a recent visit (husband came by unannounced), she had brought her husband because, "she felt it best." Then after she leaves, my father-in-law begins yelling at my husband that he never wants her to bring her husband back in his house again.
We recently had to call her about a perscription. She called back the next day, took 10 seconds for the call and hung up without giving us complete info. It took me an hour to track down all the information of what was needed because she was in plain speak: a jerk.
My father-in-law has 2 nurses, 2 house cleaners and expects my husband to check on him 2-3 times per day. He curses and screams if we are not at his door in 5 minutes (it takes 15-20 to drive to his sanctuary). My husband is giving it until spring and then is going to tell him to find full-time help. He cannot work 50 hours a week and do this too.
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References, references, references. There are many, many wonderful caregivers out there and some 'bad apples'. The only way to ensure that you'll get a good one is to ask for references and call them. Agencies can be a great way to go (and, if you're not paying the bill, may be the only way to get the care paid for), but don't rule out asking friends for anyone who knows of a companion. Very often, a licensed caregiver isn't really necessary. If your father-in-law just needs a little help getting around and someone to serve him meals and help around the house, a companion can provide that. There are pluses and minuses, but it can be a good solution for many situations.
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I am a caregiver with Visiting Angels and have worked for our local agency for two years. I can honestly tell you that each aide hired must undergo background check and drug screening on a regular basis. We have monthly in-service covering a range of issues that face our clients and us as caregivers. We are all certified in demintia care. What I have read shocks and saddens me as I am sure it is all very true. Might I suggest that families look for a reputable agency such as Visiting Angel's.
BBB, Angie's list and I am appalled at what I have read, I can tell you that
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