My mother has Alzheimer's and my father is her primary caregiver. I live with them and he expects me to fill in for him. Do I have the right to say enough and move on?

An abusive adult does have a long lasting impact upon a child which often they really can't see or even be aware of fully until many years later.

I believe my one or two posts asked for more information and also called for both patience and prayer unitl we both knew much more and until Josephine came back. IMHO, this is not one of those situations where I percieve a "take no prisoners version" of encouragement is warrented. However, I might be wrong, but I'm waiting for more information and until then I'm going to listen and wait until a light bulb goes off in my head so the speak.

I just thought...why don't these "meet the Expert" experts jump in with some real information? "Carol" often posts, but the others seldom.

Good to hear from you again, Crowemagnum. I don't know how much more info Josephine is going to give us. And there are those that say that having more info isn't necessary. But I will be interested in your viewpoint when the light bulb appears. :-)

Carol has posted here twice.

lcs ,

No light buld yet like the old Ford commercial! :), After writing that long 17 point lessons article on my wall and today's incredibly intense counseling session today that I had to spend the rest of the day all to myself and much of tonight in my 'Man Cave" for his question at the end literally shoock me to my core like nothing before. I had to call someone on my cell phone to debrief which I often do when needed.

I'm not sure when my light bulb is going to have enough voltage anytime soon, to light up. Maybe Pam or Sis will have some insights to bear. Nite, I'll let you know something if my light bulb comes on in time :)

I understand that everyone is concerned about the abusive situation that Josephine is in, but my resentment comes from the unwillingness to help her mother. I do hope that with God's grace that she finds her way. We all have to make our own decisions of what we can and can't live with.

AmazingGrace, why would YOU have resentment about something that Josephine does and doesn't do? I can understand her father, mother or even her brother having resentment but why do YOU? Are you perchance judging her?

Maybe so, Ics, and it wouldn't be the first sin that I've ever committed. I thought this website was for help and ideas for the caregivers. It doesn't sound as though Josephine is doing any caregiving, It would probably be a good idea for her to find a self-help support site.

Josephine, when I first read your post, you did make clear that you have been recruited by your Dad to be the respite care secondary caregiver to your Mom. Your Dad may be making an assumption that you don't mind, or that such is the "natural" order of a child caring for her sick parent.

It is a blessing that your are employed even if in a low-paying job. Is there a possibility that you might offer to work extra shifts and holidays to increase your earnings without leaving that job? Last night's news indicates that 4 or more industries, including retail are hiring once more. One of the easier part-time job prospects to land if one has good credit is in retail, which is another way to supplement your earnings while simultaneously making yourself unavailable to be your Dad's default secondary caregiver doormat.

You may also want to let your Dad know that, as his designated choice, you have taken it upon yourself to contact your local equivalent of Visiting Angels and a social service state agency to help him be informed enough to make whatever decisions he needs to be making about his own life and your Mom's care.

Whatever steps you take, keep moving forward. If you hesitate in the least, it will give your Dad the signal he needs to know that you are not confident or serious about getting on with your own life.

Is there a trustworthy person with whom you might share a rental to help you until you can afford to rent on your own? You may be already there. If you are, no guilt and no regrets if that is what you wish to do with your life. You have every right to be happy. Your Mom's care is your Dad's priority given the circumstances you have shared.

Don't forget to use your local library as part of your career next-steps exploration. Also states' labor agencies have re-training programs for workers, so be sure to check that out as well. May need to be on a day off, or a day when you would normally have been secondary to your Dad as it will keep you active in pursuing your goals, and using your energy to help yourself get ahead, instead of being stuck in the house.

Whatever you do, make it right for you, and don't allow guilt a foothold. Wishing you much success and happiness, Josephine!

You're welcome, dear Josephine. I'm surprised (or maybe not) by the extreme judgmentalism here... Dear, I hope you had your questions answered, and that this thread can fade peacefully away. You sound like a sweetheart. Bless you in all you do!

Hear Hear! This online support group is no place for any judgment at all. Each of us is in a unique situation, with unique levels of energy reserves, etc. Each of us is doing the best we can, or else we wouldn't even be here! (-: As Tiny Tim said: "God bless us, everyone."

Hi again Josephine

Are you familiar with the Serenity Prayer? It says a lot in a few words. May you find your intended path. Love, lcs

Josephine asked, " I don't want to be a scapegoat for anyone anymore? Do I have the right to say enough and move on?"...the answer is YES...enough said....my empathy happens to be with Josephine's mother and the man who loves and his caring for her...

Well said, DanielRomero. I agree completely.

Glad to be a sounding board anytime, Josephine. I heard you loud and clear. You posed a specific question and asked for others to share thoughts on your question. No shame in your question, or what you are wanting to do with your life. I, for one, believe that caring for another person, parent, or not, is a choice, not a gun to anyone's head, or wall of guilt. May you always be happy with your life decisions.

Caregiverslight, I am afraid that I disagree with you that caring for another person is a choice. For some (a few?) it may be a choice but it doesn't sound like this has been the case with many of the caregivers who have joined in on the discussions at this website. As everyone says, each situation is different so for me, it seems impossible to arrive at a decision where "one size fits all".

I think that it is hard to judge someone who has been abused, and then asked to care for that parent. I was abused early on, and have been a parttime caregiver to my blind mother for years. She has been living with me the last 6 months but this morning I asked her to consider a retirement community nearby and even though she is making me feel horrible and like a bad daughter, she visited the place and filled out an application to get on a waiting list. I refuse to feel guilty about this, although she is doing her level best to make this all my fault. I have been her care-taker since I was 10 - I'mm 55 now. When do I get to stop and let someone else take over. She is 81 and getting frail. I will be a better daughter when I am not 'in charge'. Baggage from the past plays a big part. Don't judge someone who has been abused before you know what that is like.

kathyk, from where I sit just looking in on your situation, I would say you are doing the best thing for both you and your mother. Unless you plan on keeping your mother in your home until her death, she probably will adjust to new accomodations better at the age of 81 than she will later on. And she may find the retirement community much more interesting than your home. I am glad she has filled out an application form and isn't it fortunate for both of you that she can AFFORD to go to a retirement community. My sisters and I have "looked after" our mother from the time we were kids (just like you) so I know how hard it is for you to make a change. But I say, stick with your decision. In my opinion, it is the right one. And yes, you could have a better relationship with your mother if someone else is "in charge". I hope this is the case.

lcs, I don't have any disagreement with what you have said. The "choice" to which I am referring in my reply is the freedom to choose to walk away from caring from another person, parent or not, as I understood Josephine's post and question to be. That is a choice as far as I am concerned in the context of Josephine's question, specifically. In my case, I have chosen to be a care provider. No heartburn in the least with any thing you, or anyone else has said in this discussion, lcs. One thought does not preclude another. Very few things in life are so clear-cut, in my opinion.

Okey dokey, caregiverslight. I think you and I would both agree that about the only thing that clear-cut in our world seem to be the forests!!! Take care.

Do we hold hands and sing Kumbaya now?

Sure, DanielRomero, let's!

anne123, I love the wisdom in your sharing. So true!