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My sister has POA, and lives in my moms house. This will be their fourth trip out of town. Niece plays volleyball and is constantly in tournaments (out of town). Sister, brother n law, and the niece go on these trips, nephew (20) stays behind.

First time the care giver stayed, (I'm sure that cost a fortune). Since then they've narrowed it down to me coming during the day, and the "help" staying the night.

This weekend they are leaving again, and mom called and asked me to stay with her. Said the "help" can't work. Yeah right cost too much money at $20.95 per hour, I know the real deal.

Problem is I already told my mom that I am having a yard sale this weekend. I've been preparing for it 1 1/2 weeks, organizing, making signs and pulling out old stuff. On top of that I have to pick up my youngest son from his restaurant in the wee hours of the morning.

Now I'm in a bind. Talk about manipulation.

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Amen, you might see her glory but you don't know her story!

Also, POA does not mena you have to take care of a person physically all by yourself. I have both medical and durable POA for my 78 year old mother who is in a rest home. Right now I'm cleaning up 6 years of financial stuff kept secret by her and my 86 year old step-dad. Thank God, my step-dad does not have POA. I visit my mother, keep a sharp eye on the nursing home staff, make sure she gets the medical care she needs, pay her bills, keep in touch with her long term health care insurance as well as I've made sure to collect all of her important legal and financial papers which includes her will, etc. I'm on disablity myself and so is my wife plus we are raising teenage boys. Neither I or my wife could do anything physically in terms of caring for my mother, but I can use the POA to make sure she is safe, she is cared for and protect her money from people who have already tried to get some from her, but her doctors declared her incompitent last May and put those statemens on papers that are noterized.
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spcarpenter I have several post on this site. This is only one. In order to understand how I've arrived, you need to understand where I've been.
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I didn't know that being a POA meant you had to take care of a person physically all by yourself. If other children are involved, they SHOULD help, but not be forced to help if they have other plans -unless an agreement is worked out that Jane goes on certain days and Mary goes on certain days, etc. and possibly trading off ever-so-often. Your mother is mother to both of you. POA is not a bundle of fun in itself. It comes with a lot of other responsibilities as well as care giving. Of course some of the children won't help, no matter what, which makes a bigger burden for the ones that do help. If you can't help on a certain day, say so and don't feel guilty.
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Good for you, Pamela! Happy for you.
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Quite a lot happened last night, most of which I won't display here, I'd rather keep it private but know that my mom, sis, and I are all good.

Thank you one and all and I certainly am still on cloud 9.
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Pam -if you sister used you Mom's money for anything not for her care she will have to pay it back there is a 5 yr. look-back period and her money will have to be accounted for so if she is being sneaky it will come back to bite her very quickley it is amazing what the powers to be can find out about our activities so sister dear is not getting away with anything let us know how the showdown went-and I love all you guys even though I have not be on too much lately-I want to be available to my son who has a bump in the road right now-you are all in my mind and thoughts Pam keep up the good work sometimes us girls need to get b---- and girl you got them.
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me too, just try not to let your sister see you sweat. Congratulations on your progress!
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I hope that what sister spouted was a farce and there is actually monies for dear ole mom's golden years.
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Pamela, Good for you calling a meeting with your sister! I am proud of you! I know you don't want to deal with it, but sounds like someone needs to be proactive. It was great the way you handled your mom concerning this, too! I know you'd rather go sailing, etc., but I applaud you taking charge here, and demanding an accounting. Let heads roll! I definitely think she should be accountable, since you are a legally "interested party." She should not have control of your mom's finances without a check and balance system. And this has got to be so upsetting to your mother. I understand it is to you. We hate to see our loved ones suffer or be taken advantage of. What a pity. I hope you get some good results from the showdown. Will be praying for a good outcome for all concerned. Keep your cool, sister! She who keeps her emotions in check wins when things get heated. Do I detect sweating? I hope your sister complies. You hang in there, and let us know how things turn out. I think you're doing the right thing.
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Thank you Ed. I'm so glad someone understands this reversal of fortune!
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PAM:

Way to go girl! Your sister now has POA and all the responsibilities that come with it. She got what she wanted. But she can't have her cake and eat it too, and still dump everything on you. No doubt she'll try to lay a guilt trip on you with "But mom asked for you." Not an option!

Go ahead with the yard sale, pick up your son, and start living and loving yourself again. You've already sacrificed enough.

-- ED
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I have called my sister and told her I will be waiting for her this evening when she arrives home. I told her that I want an explanation of moms finances, documentation, and there had better be a ledger presented to me.

Aparently sis called mom because mom has called 3 times. On the third call I explained to mom that I will not discuss the situation with her anymore, from now on I will only speak with sis. I explained that it is not moms place to arrange care for herself, that it is sis's responsibility.

If my landline keeps ringing, I'm gonna take it off the hook and turn off my cell.

SS yes I had started working on some things but I started getting depressed all over again and didn't like that feeling, still don't. Now it is imperative that I take action.

Naheaton, Pirate, and Beta Thank you for your input.
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i have poa - i have all the resposiblility- i get her soc., sec. so if i need help wll pay for it. you have a life - tell your mom the truth- i cant come today- mom said to me feels like i lost something- told her you did - yur memory- you have alzheimers- she says oh!. no matter what your sis tells her or y0u she will forget - so dont let your sis use it against you - get a calendar and circle the days and weekends you are available and leavbe it at that- my daughter stayed with my mom for 4 days - husband and i went on highschool reunion cruise- i wont let this stop me from living- for instance - need to get a room monitor and bed alarm so we can use the hot tub- she has been dizzy lately- also have bed rails so she cant get up without me- do what u have to do- your mom wouldnt want it any other way
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Hi Pammies and all, sorry I have been away busy with mommo and b/f. Well Pammies I know what you mean. I have been at the point where I was out doing something and completely forgot about the ball and chain so to speak and had a good time. But then get home to find a million messages, hello hello where are you, she never wanted me to go out, just sit by the phone and always be there...for the past 11 years, so I know what you feel like. I would DEF find out about the monies FIRST AND FOREMOST. She if indeed there is no monies. I wonder if sis slowly moved monies out so mom would only have so much as dictated by medi-cal before they kick in. A girl I worked with a long time ago did that so it would work out for her and her mom that was getting Alz pretty bad, but now they have a law to go look if money has been moved, so that would counteract if you sis is trying to do that, but then you would think your sis would work on this type of game plan together, either way GO LOOK AT THE MONIES...go look and see what is actually going on.
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Pamela,
Seems you know the answers. You know what kind of character your sister has, and you've worked in law enforcement long enough to know how these things go... What are you asking us for, that we haven't already told you? I thought you had some "things in the works" concerning your mom's affairs? I say, trust your instincts, and follow through! None of us can guess what's going on any more than you can. Goodness, none of us like dealing with negative things, but taking responsibility for what needs to be done is better than hopeful and wishful thinking. Are you just hoping it's not going to be bad? Or that your sister will do right? Or you just don't want to confront her? What are you waiting for? We've already given you our opinion more than once. I guess it comes down to this: you moved there to help your mom, (after living elsewhere), right? What are you doing? Your sister got POA away from you, and you say you don't want it? What more do you expect us to say? Not really sure what you are looking for here... You either confront this, or continue doing nothing, wondering and imagining all sorts of things. I thought we covered that a long time ago. We can't fix this for you. The ball is in your court.
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I think your sister is spending your mother's money, and it may be running out. Do you ever get to check her finances? If she forbids you, then that's a red flag to me. Your mother had better get her head out of the ether bag and get involved in her money situation, or at least get a second opinion.
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Alright it's Monday evening about 9:15 pm. My mom just called and ask me to come and take care of her for 2 or 3 days because my she says sis says the money is running low. I tell her that she has got plenty of money in her savings and that she is to use that on HERSELF no matter what anyone says. Mom says "WHAT SAVINGS"? Are you kidding me................

What in the world is going on, when I was there and paying the bills, and not having the "help" there 5 times a week, overtime, and staying for "tournament games" and such I was managing, however I was there the other 4 days, and the "help" was limited to 3. Now that sis has taken over she has mom convinced that there's not enough money for the hired help. It's time to bring in the Law now.

I'm too happy, and content to go over as a visitor and I know this sounds serfish but I just don't want anyone to stomp out the joy I've worked hard to grasp at again.

Funny how right after having such a wonderful weekend, I get called into the dungen again. Hmmmmm I don't know if it's sis or mom this time but I do know that mom has the money to pay for the help and if sis wasn't trying to save it for her inheritance I wouldn't be so adament about not going but I know that money is there and should be used on mom. I told my mom a long time ago, and just this weekend not to worry about leaving me a thing, to spend what she needs to spend on herself.

Do you think sis is trying to put mom in a NH on the slide because that seems like that is what it will come too.

What do you think family?

ps I'm not proof reading this. Guess it's time to stop answering the phone for a while again.
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Good for you, Pamela! So glad you had a great time with friends on Saturday! Now, keep that up! You're good to your mom.
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Wonderful news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Well well well hello to all!!

The yard sale was a success and I made $148.00 which was all good considering what I hauled out there. Yes I had to bring a few things back but instead of that I took them to a women's shelter that a friend told me about and gave the rest to them, (clothing that was just too big). There were actually 4 of us and we had a ball. We Bar-B-Que'd some Tri-Tips, on skewers with onions, bell peppers, and squash and corn on the cob...and made mojitos, heck after a while we didn't even care if we sold anything we were having such a ball. We played old skool Jazz & Blues I'm talking Ahmad Jamal, Count Basie, Cab Calloway, Billie Holliday.....the good stuff. Everyone made money, some more than others, but for all of us to get together and talk, and laugh was so much fun. The funny thing about it, we all had business cards out on the table (mine for seamstress), and we even picked up some business. Just seems like people wanted to stay chat and laugh because it turned into more of a social event then a yard sale.....talk about Networking now this was a grand idea.

Then came Sunday and I was still beat, not to mention a little hung over but I went to moms house at 7:30 a.m. as instructed. My mom wanted to know all about the yard sale and when I told her about it, she got annoyed. You see this is the type of event that mom would have loved to be involved in, better yet in charge of so as I told her I could see she was a little envious so I just stopped talking about it even though she kept asking. Always and I mean always her answers are always "YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS, or YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT". I wanted to say so bad "WHAT WE DID WAS FINE, AND IT WORKED FOR US AND I DON'T CARE TO HEAR WHAT WE SHOULD HAVE DONE" but instead I just said "yeah that would have been great" every time, she got the message.

Sis and family did not leave until I came over, no one saying anything to me, sis screamed from the living room "Bye granny, we'll see u a little later on", mom saying OK.

I was sleepy so mom let me sleep until 10:00 am. Then she woke me up and asked for oatmeal, boiled eggs, and toast. Cool, done. Then she looked at me and said "Whew your hair is nappy"! I said "yeah I'm happy to be nappy" not even looking for an argument here.

I asked her about the garage roof, and she acted like she didn't want to talk about it so I didn't. Matter of fact she acted like she had been forbidden to talk about anything regarding the house cause when I asked her she seemed to clam up so I stopped. She said nothing about coming to live with me, probably even forgot she'd said that in the first place (I'm glad of that).

The day went on, and I told her about the Senior Day Care's in the area and she said she feel comfortable there in her room. Immediately I got her up and ready and we went in the yard to water. We ate lunch out there and again I tried to ask her about the roof and nothing. She told me not to worry about it. ALRIGHTY-THEN!

I'm not gonna make this any longer. Bottom line here is that I had such a great time on Saturday that I didn't let anything that mom did or said put a damper on it. My girlfriends know of my situation and they all came to my rescue and made Saturday a heck of a day for me. We partied and because of that, being with my mom wasn't that bad because I was in such a positive state of mind.

It's just amazing how nice it is to do positive things, with positive people. That house is just dreary, and full of negative energy however I was so jazzed that I never slipped into that dark place. I wish that for all of my care-giving family here that you find something that can uplift your spirits atleast some of the time. This is the key.

Today is Monday and I still feel good. Usually after leaving moms house I don't feel good at all, but I spect I'm still on cloud 9. Oh by the way mom called about an hour ago to tell me what the estimate on replacing the garage roof is. Go figure that one!

How's that for a special weekend
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pamela . how was the yard sales . hope u gotrid of bunch stuff you were hopin to do .
let us know . is your mom still askin to move in with ya ??
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hugs & kisses to you pam! just think you got your online caregiver clan here for you. when they don't understand you, we do! happy weekend everyone ^_^
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Pamela, best wishes for a good yard sale tomorrow!
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Geez that was nice of them, to just boil it down to the actual date that they needed. Your poor mom must feel like a ping pong ball.

Hmmmm she inhaled her St Paddy's din din...well that is always a good sign!
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Hello care family just a quick update on this weekend.

Sis & family will NOT be leaving on Friday to go (out of town) to the tournament, instead they will be going on Sunday which is the actual date of the tournament, and the day I stood ground on availability.

Enjoy your weekend everyone.
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Pamela6148 remember what this website also taught us -- to remove the guilt. OK? that is what I practice. Not that I'm a bad irresponsible daughter, but this is for my own sanity and my own development and improvement as a human being entitledd to the same rights as my mom. Do what you have to do. This will keep you in balance. Never mind if your mom is alone for a few hours, remember too that surprisingly elderly can actually manage on their own for a few hours each day. They actually maybe relish that they are on their own as this sort of gives them the feeling that they are "independent and able-bodied" Get away from her from time to time for your own sanity and well-being! Enjoy and have a blast.
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Why do they do all this running around at your expense...geeez! Ask her Pammies
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Just came from taking mom a wonderful St. Patrick's Day Corned Beef and Cabbage dinner. Five years in a row that we have this meal together. Mom inhailed hers.

I compromised......I will be there on Sunday....I'm not heartless. Mom said she only wanted me there and didn't want the "help" there for 2 days. Manipulative, yep but it sounded so good I ate it up. What can I say.
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Then, as I said, I DO see that as an entirely different issue. I agree with you. They should pay for professional help to stay with your mom unless you are asked well in advance - and willing! - to cover for them.
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Yeah. I say, if sis wants to get away, since your mom has the money, sis should pay for her care. That's what the money is there for, not to save it for herself! Stick to your guns, Pamela!
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